Why do MIL and FIL demand 'alone time' with a baby?

[SilverBirchTree]

Since DS was born over a year ago, my MIL and FIL have been obsessed with having 'alone' time with him. Spending time with their son and myself as well is no good, apparently.

It started from when DS was a newborn, MIL constantly walking off with him in her arms, or shooing me off to go have a sleep or a haircut even when I said I was not tired etc.

As he has gotten older they have gotten more demanding about their 'alone time', and are now throwing an enormous tantrum (literally screaming and crying and my FIL even dropped himself onto the floor in anguish twice. I wish I was exaggerating) because we wont allow them to babysit DS all day while we are at work. Apparently we are denying them their 'rights' as grandparents.

I've seen other threads about the same thing- grandparents demanding or expecting sleep overs, being able to take the baby out of the house without asking, MIL walking out of the maternity ward with the baby...

My question is Why? Why do they need to be alone with a baby? What are they planning to do that they don't want to do in front of us?

This is very weird. You don’t have to leave your DC with them. I certainly wouldn’t be leaving them with someone who throws themselves onto the floor in a tantrum. That’s deranged. Tell them no, it’s not happening.

He is their grandchild? Why do people always act like in-laws have sinister motives?

Oh shit, I'll comment but I've been slated on another thread about a Mil problem.
I'm very lucky because I love my daughter-in-law, she's one of my favourite people and I feel really lucky that I know her and I'm part of her family and she's part of mine.
I can only tell you how I feel with having alone time with my grandsons, for me it's amazing to be able to watch them grow up, when I was their father's parent I was so effing busy I never had the time to just watch him. I'm now able to take time, such a luxury when they're small and to try to build a relationship with them. For me it's just to get to know them as people. I love their father, my son and I love their mother, my daughter in law. My grandsons primary relationship is with their parents, their secondary is probably with my DIL's parents I just want them to know I'm here if they ever need me. I look at them and recognise traits of my son and it's so sweet watching these tiny people. It's like my heart had gone back in time.
My relationship with my Adult children sounds very different to yours. I would and never have demand alone time

I came on to say maybe they want to blow raspberries on his belly but would be embarrassed to do it in front of you - but having read your post, I guess it's not that with your PIL! Wow. I have no idea how you handle a grown man tantrumming on the floor, but I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable giving him unsupervised care responsibilities.

Last sentence should read I WOULD'NT not would

@QuintadiMalago you sound lovely. I wish you were my MIL

I have a MIL and I really appreciate her ....actually I think I do love her...for how much she loves my DC and how incredibly warm and loving she is towards the child. But I'm pretty sure she'd never describe me as her favourite person: we have a personality gap in that (I think?) she thinks I'm eccentric, and I think she is reserved. It's funny because she is so warm towards the DGC but so reserved towards both me and her adult DS... But none of that matters when I see how wonderful she is with her DGC

They sound emotionally unstable and it would now be concerns about your child’s safety with them if they are unable to process their emotions like well adjusted adults.

In general the whole alone thing is really about building a relationship with the grandchild and becoming confident in the role. Also I think it’s good for children to form relationships away from the parents as this will be part of their support network as they grow.

Understandable, but a privilege not a right and certainly not something they can demand.

They sound nuts - I have never heard of such a thing and I have two grown up sons so have come across a lot of parents and families in the last 20 yrs.
Stand your ground and don’t be manipulated by their silly tantruming ways. There’s absolutely no reason for them to have ‘alone’ time - these are your children and as long as they get to see them there’s no infringement on their ‘rights’ as they call it, as grandparents.
Both sets of grandparents of my DC were great and spent lots of time with their GC but never did anyone demand ‘alone’ time.

It all sounds very dramatic. How does your DH feel about it? Screaming tantrums and dropping to the floor, demanding their rights. Goodness, talk about put you both under pressure.

Is there any background to this, do they feel you favour your parents? Do they think your family spends more time with they baby.

Your DH needs to have a calm word, telling them that the baby is so young, and there will be plenty of time in the future to make plans. Tell them their constant pressure to have the baby alone is not helping - nor is them demanding 'their rights' and enjoy spending the time with all of us.

Who do you leave the baby with if not them while at work? Do you pay for childcare?

Oh crikey, they don’t sound stable enough to be alone with him. Were they not embarrassed at their outbursts or did they think it would work?

My in laws were a bit obsessed with DGC1 and were decorating a nursery in their home when I was pregnant. I did find it a bit disconcerting and said I didn’t think I’d be comfortable having my baby away overnight and the fact he was BF. They would take him from my arms and take him out in the garden away from me, suggest bottles and try not to hand him back when he cried. I hated it but I also had anxiety and untreated PND so don’t know if my feelings were too strong/paranoid. Looking back 3DC and 10 years later I think they were probably a bit over excited and having been very young when they had DH they happily handed him over to either set of GPs on weekends. I think they just wanted the same. We’d love a night away now but unfortunately I think I shot myself in the foot as they won’t have them overnight now they are older.

@BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney we hired a nanny and they hit the roof.

But having a nanny is working for us, we're not planning to make any changes to his childcare arrangements.

Sorry OP, hijacked myself there! I think it should be under consideration that GP are allowed alone time with their DGC, in order to develop a relationship with the kids that flourishes independently of the parents. I think that could potentially benefit the DGC in allowing them to experience a different way of living to that which they have at home, and benefit the parents in giving them some off time. But when I say "under consideration" I mean it shouldn't be an absolute taken-for-granted thing. Only if the GP can be trusted in a physical and moral way (ie not bad caregivers, or racist, or a thousand other things you may not want your kids exposed to) and also if the child's parents and GPs are in agreement as to how this relationship should proceed. The fact that your kids' DGP are throwing themselves on the floor and stuff would give me pause for thought in this case maybe. I wonder why the situation has escalated? Is there a reason, prior to the screaming, that you didn't want them to sit the kids, ie you felt they couldn't cope physically or something? It sounds like a really difficult situation. My MIL is slowly getting quite absent minded due to old age, so I do worry when she has my DC without us there....but up until now this has been something I've been happy to do (it happens around about once every few months that she has the DC alone, but she - my MIL - usually has her 2 sisters with her at the time) and I've also been extremely grateful that she/they have been willing to do it....I hope this can continue as long as possible as I think my DC and the gran/great-aunties really enjoy it.

@sleepylittlebunnies they are not at all embarrassed at their outbursts, they have continued for almost 3 months to ring us up crying and shouting and demanding to babysit. They honestly believe that they are in the right and see nothing wrong with their behaviour which they have described as their natural 'outpouring of raw emotion, grief and hurt.' ....over us hiring a babysitter.

@DonkeyHotei when the baby was small I would leave him with them for an hour or so while I had a haircut etc.

But as he got older they started to do more and more silly and dangerous things with him and I began to question their judgement and their understanding of modern safety standards (I actually posted here at the time and was overwhelmingly told I was not UR).

They also make a real point of doing the opposite of what we ask, as if to show us we had not right to tell them what to do. For instance MIL would tap her foot waiting to hold him while I BF, then I'd ask her to hold him still because he just ate, inevitably MIL would start jiggling him the moment he left my arms...silly petty things like that.

So when we were deciding on childcare, DH and I agreed pretty quickly that it would be too hard to manage his parents and better to take the financial hit and hire a pro.

Nope, nope and nope.

I totally understand grandparents wanting time alone with their lovely grandbaby away from the nervous watch of new parents but it isn't a right.

MIL was desperate to get DS and do all the lovely 'mummy' things she remembered doing with her own children, however, she never, ever put me under pressure. Quite the opposite in fact.

She only expressed those feelings after I asked if she would look after him for a few hours. She was kind and respectful.

If FIL had behaved the way yours have they would never be alone with our child.

And as for the 'Grandparents Rights' stuff make sure to tell them to do a little research on the matter. They have absolutely no rights to be alone with your baby.

has*

Clearly what they’re doing here is not normal or healthy but I’ve always been keen for my kids to have time with both sets of grandparents without me there. It’s an important relationship for them both, and one I can only see benefits my children.

@KC225 DH and I are on the same page. His parents are hard work and constantly involved in dramatic feuds with various people. DH and I don't like drama so we mostly work together to appease them but we drew the line on babysitting. We have to know our son is in good hands.

They are incredibly jealous of my parents who we do allow to babysit. My parents follow our instructions and are naturally cautious people. We know DS is safe with them. So I can see how they think it is 'unfair' because no, it's not equal.

I think there can be different reasons. (Theae are my general thoughts about this, I think your ILs are an extreme case!).

It may be control, that they believe their children and grandchildren in some way “belong” to them.

It may be that they feel the relationship needs space. Ie when you’re there, they don’t get a look in, because grandchild only has eyes for you.

Thirdly, it may be that they find your company difficult, but they want to maintain a relationship with their grandchild.

Has your FIL ever visited the Sistine chapel, by any chance?

Their insane behaviour would insure that I would never, EVER leave my child unattended with them under any circumstances. Not a fucking chance. They are absolute lunatics.

I loved my weekends spent at my grandparents’ house, just with them. Special times and not the same as visiting with my parents.

But demanding, throwing themselves in tne floor? And when the baby is so tiny?

That would put me right off.

@SilverBirchTree all those things make me feel you are in the right here. Tbh, it already sounded like you had a good argument when you said they were throwing themselves on the floor. But the other stuff: things that are dangerous, and also stuff that goes against what you've directly asked them to do or not to do reinforces that. As always on Mumsnet we've only got your word to take but based on what you've said, I wouldn't want my kids left with anyone under those circumstances either. My MIL does annoying things like feeds my DC chocolate until it's coming out of their ears and has the TV on 24/7 with cartoons...BUT it's not often enough that it's anything other than a (slightly excessive) treat, so no bother in my case. It's good that your DP and you are on the same page, and good that you've made the decision to get childcare sorted. Just stick to your guns on this and don't let yourself be made to feel like shit over your decision (easy for me to say, I know)

They sound deranged. I wouldn't leave the baby with them.
I have a sister who still tantrums, screams and cries for hours to get her own way. Including in public places. She is old enough to be a grandparent and I wouldn't leave a baby with her either. She's the only adult I've ever known who does this so it's interesting to know there are others.