Why do MIL and FIL demand 'alone time' with a baby?

[SilverBirchTree]

Since DS was born over a year ago, my MIL and FIL have been obsessed with having 'alone' time with him. Spending time with their son and myself as well is no good, apparently.

It started from when DS was a newborn, MIL constantly walking off with him in her arms, or shooing me off to go have a sleep or a haircut even when I said I was not tired etc.

As he has gotten older they have gotten more demanding about their 'alone time', and are now throwing an enormous tantrum (literally screaming and crying and my FIL even dropped himself onto the floor in anguish twice. I wish I was exaggerating) because we wont allow them to babysit DS all day while we are at work. Apparently we are denying them their 'rights' as grandparents.

I've seen other threads about the same thing- grandparents demanding or expecting sleep overs, being able to take the baby out of the house without asking, MIL walking out of the maternity ward with the baby...

My question is Why? Why do they need to be alone with a baby? What are they planning to do that they don't want to do in front of us?

Time between kids and grandparents without parents can be wonderful. I love that my MIL has such s close relationship with my kids, and she’s certainly dafter (in terms of crawling on the floor, or making silly voices) when it’s just her and the children, but histrionics like dropping to the floor won’t help anyone.

And whilst she doesn’t follow our rules entirely - they stay up a wee bit late, have a bit too much pudding etc - she’s respectful and would never go against anything directly asked.

It sounds like they are just ridiculously OTT people and the grandchild is just another example as opppsed to that being the actual
Issue

wow.no.id say all gp should have that alone time for all the pp have said.but in your case op nope.i would feel comfortable with them.but you sound like your still letting them and letting there tantrums win?
I think they could damage your child more spending time with them than if they didn't see them!

Has your FIL ever visited the Sistine chapel, by any chance?

Hahahahaha Well played!

Pooh this frustrates me. My MIL always wanted to have my baby overnight. I was breastfeeding and had no reason to leave my baby so it didn’t happen but if we ever went for dinner and the baby fell asleep, she would get all funny about us not leaving her when we went home. She definitely had control issues. If I had a jumper on DD MIL would say she was too hot, if I had no jumper she would freak about her getting cold even in the middle of summer. The few times I left her with expressed milk she claimed my DD didn’t like it (she had issues with the fact that I breastfed). Compare that to my Mum who loves her Grandbabies to bits and would happily have them every day (she doesn’t). My Mum does things the way we ask and never oversteps boundaries. I truly believe my MIL and likely yours have control issues. They want to be in charge and think they do/did everything better.

If your baby is not safe then it doesn't happen.

How they feel about it is irrelevant as to whether it happens.

Have you or DH actually told them why you allow your parents to babysit but not them. If not I can see why they would see this as unfair (if they're not aware that you think they're dangerous/unfit to look after your child).

@user1471517900 we told them that we have a different approach in regards to safety than they do, and we feel more comfortable with a caregiver who shares our approach.

We have to be so careful not to offend them because they fly into hysterics when they feel insulted.

Let them fly into hysterics. Let them flagellate their skin raw writhing on rough carpet fibres in the throes of emotional agony. Let them demonstrate the depths of their emotional needs through the medium of dance, if needs be.

You are not responsible for their unreasonable reactions.

Are you being rational, sensible and putting the safety of your child and the well-being of your family first?

Yes? Then leave them to their silly antics.

My MIL does this. She gets all emotional when she feels we are "withholding" her DGCs from her. The reality is that she is totally incapable of caring for young children. If a baby cries for more than 2 minutes she starts to panic "OMG what is wrong with the BABY?!?!?!!" and in a few cases has started crying herself! So like hell I would leave my DCs overnight with someone like that.

The only reason they want the baby is for control, I'm sorry. There are plenty of relatives I have a close relationship with who I didn't do regular overnights with as a young child. It's ridiculous.

We have to be so careful not to offend them because they fly into hysterics when they feel insulted

Bloody hell, I can’t imagine how draining this must be but you and your dh have definitely made the right decision in managing their time with your Son.

The foot tapping while you were breast feeding him would irritate me hugely, I hope you prolonged the feed in response.

See, I was ready to come on and defend them - PIL often get a hard time on MN and if your parents are allowed to babysit it must seem unfair to them, blah blah blah. But they throw themselves down on the floor like screaming toddlers when they don't get their own way? Fuck that. Until they can prove they are emotionally stable enough to care for your child which sounds like never they shouldn't be looking after him alone. They sound batshit.

QuintadiMalago Your DIL is so lucky to have a considerate, loving and boundaries-aware MIL like you. You sound utterly wonderful!

They sound deranged! Their behaviour would not suggest to me they are suitable people to look after children frankly!

@comemonday 😂😂 brilliant

I agree with others upthread, they are unstable and I wouldn’t leave my baby with them either. My own mother is an over emotional nightmare and I don’t let her babysit either and my children are older.

They sound off their heads and I wouldn’t leave an infant with them either.

That’s very extreme behaviour; my mum loves my DD but I think she probably prefers it when I’m there as she doesn’t have to worry about the responsibility of looking after her. My mil can be a bit much with her involvement and she’s spoken about taking DD places but that’s more her thinking about specific places that DD would enjoy.

I think it sounds like they are entering Grandparent Wars. In my case my mil and fil have entered themselves into some unspoken battle over my children with my parents about who are the 'favorite' grandparents. They are trying to state their claim on him and they will passionately despise you for allowing your parents to babysit .Mil especially in our case. If my parents are ever mentioned as having spent time with the children, mil looks like she's going to be sick! She is toxic.You and your partner are in control. Keep firm boundaries. Give an inch and these type of people will take a mile.

They sound batshit and I'd do as you have done.

Just repeat: MIL, this is our baby and we will parent him as we see fit. You've had your children. This is ours. Also, you did X and Y which were dangerous. We feel happier for our dc to be looked after by our nanny.

I'm not fussed if the GPs follow our 'rules' when they babysit, I'm happy for a bit of spoiling to go on tbh so I wouldn't have an issue with things being done differently. And in an ideal world, GPs should be able to form a relationship with the DCs independent of the parents - I think it's good for them and I don't think in most cases it's about control, it's about bonding and love.

However, in the case of the OP, I would not be allowing unsupervised access probably at all but certainly not before the GPs have shown they are capable of a level of emotional maturity. They do not sound like nice people and are unlikely to be able to foster a healthy relationship with the DCs independently anyway.

They sound like utter fruit loops and the wailing and gnashing of gums would be enough for me not to leave him with them . That’s not normal .. at all

OP it sounds a very stressful situation for you. Do you ever worry that they will arrive unannounced while you are both at work and demand to see the baby while he is with the nanny.?
Poor you... You must dread the phone calls and visits. They sound defiantly unreasonable and unhinged

You're doing the right thing. Will your DH talk to them and explain how their behaviour is impacting you and actually making things worse for themselves?

My question is Why? Why do they need to be alone with a baby?

It's obvious though, surely? You don't trust them, put rules on their behaviour they don't agree with and don't give them alone time with the baby.

They think some / all of your rules are stupid / wrong, they don't think they are wrong in how they behave with regards to safety, they want you to go away and leave them to it and are fed up of you dictating how things are.

They're probably very used to their histrionics working so they keep going on and on until (they hope) they wear you down and you give in.

They are modelling behaviour in front of your DC that love is possessive, demanding and exclusive and that it throws a temper tantrum when it doesn't get what it wants. I wouldn't stand for this though I do kind of understand their desire to fuss the grandchild on their own from time to time.
But I just if there's more to this story than meets the eye OP. I have to ask, to prompt such a dramatic response from them makes me wonder if you are a bit of a smother mum? Are you always there watching and commenting on what they do all the time? I only ask as generally speaking when one side pulls one way, the other side can pull back twice as hard. Still no excuse for their behaviour though.