Why do MIL and FIL demand 'alone time' with a baby?

[SilverBirchTree]

Since DS was born over a year ago, my MIL and FIL have been obsessed with having 'alone' time with him. Spending time with their son and myself as well is no good, apparently.

It started from when DS was a newborn, MIL constantly walking off with him in her arms, or shooing me off to go have a sleep or a haircut even when I said I was not tired etc.

As he has gotten older they have gotten more demanding about their 'alone time', and are now throwing an enormous tantrum (literally screaming and crying and my FIL even dropped himself onto the floor in anguish twice. I wish I was exaggerating) because we wont allow them to babysit DS all day while we are at work. Apparently we are denying them their 'rights' as grandparents.

I've seen other threads about the same thing- grandparents demanding or expecting sleep overs, being able to take the baby out of the house without asking, MIL walking out of the maternity ward with the baby...

My question is Why? Why do they need to be alone with a baby? What are they planning to do that they don't want to do in front of us?

As a matter of interest OP, is your partner ok because it sounds like he grew up in a very toxic environment! His father throws himself on the floor and has a tantrum - really? That is batshit crazy!

Victim!? They sound a bit narcissistic tbh.
I do understand that relationships are different when parents are around, even the nanny probably feels like that, because the child relates to you first, and the adults are talking to one another so attention is not just between gp and dc.
If they were to settle down and listen they might earn trust, the way they are going will end up with no contact.

Why have you posted this again? I remember the first time you posted it.

I can see both POVs, no way would I leave a baby with them given their ridiculous hysterics, but from their POV, your parents look after him so they obviously think it's unfair that they can't. -

Agree with bertrand

Maelstrop Maybe because their behaviour has got even more batshit and the OP still doesn't know what to do? Is there a MN rule that states you can only post about a subject one time?

Whatever their motive OP all I can say is they are going about it the wrong way!

no way would I leave a baby with them given their ridiculous hysterics, but from their POV, your parents look after him so they obviously think it's unfair that they can't

I would have thought the hysterics (and feuds) would make it quite clear why they can't.

Goodness me, the drama some people create in their lives. They need something else to do, clearly.

They sound very draining and hysterical.

One thing I do think is that with small
Babies a lot of instinctive behaviour goes on. If I hear a young baby cry in the street my instinct is to rush over and cuddle and sooth it. Of course I don't, it wouldn't be appropriate at all. But if it was my grandchild I think it would be an even stronger urge. So maybe some of it is instinct, even if it's compounded by entitlement and narcissism.

My mother used to have tantrums like this - but only in front of us. Her behaviour and keeping her happy overshadowed the whole of my childhood.

The only way to break the cycle is to challenge them. I realised I didn't ever want DS to witness it or feel pressured to behave a certain way for fear of her tantrums.

The last time she did it, DS was about 2. I treated her the way I did his tantrums, by ignoring it, and waiting until she'd finished. I then told her (and meant it) that the next time she did that I'd video her, put it on YouTube under her real name and show it to her sister.

Funnily enough she's never had another one. All those years my dad said she couldn't help it - and well she can.

Good luck op - I feel for you but you need to put your DS first.

Can you try using their behaviour as an argument against them every time, but in a sweetly reasonable way? If FiL is writhing on the floor in a tantrum, ignore him but subsequently suggest he sees a doctor about it and say that, until he does, you really wouldn't impose the children when he clearly isn't well. Ditto when they shout and scream on the phone. Or say if they want to pour out raw emotion, fine, but they need to resolve that in their own interests because it just isn't normal. If they say it won't happen if they get their way, point out that you have now way of knowing that; you'd be really concerned about whether they could cope if the children play up whilst with them.

Be grateful for the free babysitting til the terrible 2s come they will back off then

They sound insane and I wouldn’t let them see my child. How is your DH’s behaviour given that he grew up having this shocking display modelled as normal behaviour?

I don't recognise this @FiveRedBricks, do you have a link?

@Maelstrop If there is a one post ever per problem per person rule on mumsnet I haven't seen it anywhere.

I am asking today about why GPs feel 'alone time' as opposed to family time is so important. Babysitting is out (the AIBU Q of my last post) and now I am tying to understand what they actually want to achieve and find solutions to make them feel included without leaving my son unsupervised with them.

I also find the specific repeated demands for 'alone time' frankly unsettling, coming from a professional background that involves working with victims of crime. I've found it reassuring to read posts by presumably normal GPs that there are harmless reasons why alone time is wanted.

I'm sorry if it's not interesting enough for you, I certainly wish this problem had resolved or at least moved on by now. Maybe read a different post if you're bored of mine 🤷🏻‍♀️

@QuintadiMalago you sound lovely!

Well there's 2 issues here:

1. Why would a grandparent want time alone with their grandchild? This isn't unreasonable in most cases. I'd assume it's because it helps them bond with the child and develop their own relationship. For example, my MIL would have her attention split between "entertaining" me and DD if I didn't leave them to it. Also DD was a bit of a velcro baby/toddler and wouldn't go to other people if I was there, so far easier for them to get to know each other if I wasn't there. This was an arrangement that suited both of us.
2. Should you let your MIL and FIL unsupervised access? No, they appear to be at best dramatic and at worse unstable. You have concerns about their attitude to safety. They would not follow your rule or instructions. YANBU.

So, you don’t like your PIL. Why not just start a thread abou that?

Wanting along time wth your grandchildren is entirely normal. It helps build a different relationship. The same is true of children with any other relationship. Think of it this way, do you enjoy your job as much if your boss is hovering about?

Don’t pick on this one thing because you hate your PIL.

It seems kind of sketch to me, lots of alarm bells ringing in my head, I'd tell them "No" if I were you, I'd be highly suspicious of what they were doing with him. If they're going to throw tantrums, let them. Ignore them, they're more childish than your child - It shows.

'My parents follow our instructions' - I think it's sad to differentiate between the 2 sets of gps given on how much control you have over them.

I think it's pretty obvious why they want alone time- they were trusted to look after your child occasionally, and now they are not. They feel distrusted. Plus you allow the other grandparents to look after the child when you are not there and not them, so this is a double- distrust.

Don't get me wrong, I agree with your decision-making! I wouldn't leave them with these people either for any prolonged time (I might nip to the shop). They don't have good safety standards, they don't listen to you and they are big drama queens. All not good.

I don't think there's anything sinister about their motives though and I think it's a bit naive not to be able to see why they feel incredibly rejected and hurt by your actions. It isn't just about the 'alone time' now, you've taken something away and made them the 'lesser' grandparents who can't be trusted. Even if this is a good decision for you and your child, that's hurt them, and this is their hurt showing.

Silverbirchtree

re an earlier comment you made in quote marks (that I have separated out).

"DH and I are on the same page".

Good. Presenting a united front is necessary.

"His parents are hard work and constantly involved in dramatic feuds with various people".

It is not your fault they are like this and you did not make them this way. From what you have written about his histrionic parents I am not at all surprised. Such disordered of thinking people find fault and argument in an empty room and this is precisely how such people do act. Its all about power and control to them. I would also think it a given that neither of them have any friends; there is good reason why this is. Obsessing over your child now and wanting "alone time" is par for the course for such people too. Please seriously consider posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. Both of his parents here enable each other, they are both one and the same.

"DH and I don't like drama so we mostly work together to appease them but we drew the line on babysitting".

No to any sort of appeasing them, stop doing that because it does not work and they will simply see that as weakness from you as a couple.

Do not JADE with such people either; ie justify, argue, defend or explain.

Further strengthen and maintain boundaries here; these anyway need to be consistently applied by both of you. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, your H's parents are no different. He may well want to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and further address his own fear, obligation and guilt. Sadly he is also going to have to let go on any residual hope he has here of actually having any sort of functional relationship with them. Such people too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

" We have to know our son is in good hands".

Indeed. Grandparents can be great role models BUT they have to be emotionally healthy people to be around. If they are not and are as histrionic as your ILs are then it is no point at all in trying to foster any sort of relationship with them because it will not happen. Such people also do not respect boundaries and will actively challenge these at any and all opportunities. You need to protect your own selves and family unit from such influences.

In answer to your question grandparents like alone time because parents can often be hard work with rules and instructions.

That said, their behaviour does seem ott, I hope you aren't exaggerating in order to justify this 'They are incredibly jealous of my parents who we do allow to babysit. My parents follow our instructions '

OP, I had an overbearing mil, but can see now it was entirely out of love and overexcitement and we’ve both calmed down a bit. I wouldn’t leave people who have so little control over their emotions alone with a young child. Toddlers in particular are capable of being immensely frustrating!

There motives are about power and control; its more than just merely sinister.

You do not need to explain or justify your feelings or thoughts.

Furthermore, arguing with or defending yourself to a narcissist is generally counterproductive. Narcissists tend to be interested in winning, not listening; competing, not communicating.

Don’t yourself minimize their dysfunctional behaviour (as some respondents have done, they cannot and do not comprehend that some people do indeed behave like this at all). Their self-serving behaviour and hunger for attention can suck energy from those around them. Over time people around narcissists may get fatigued or numb and fail to register how unhealthy narcissistic behaviour can be. Make no mistake: deceiving, manipulating and humiliating others is unhealthy and wrong.

I've never understood this need either.

Perhaps you have to be a GP to get it?

I would have thought though if you have a good relationship with the parents of your GC & show yourself to be a rational, undemanding adult, then time alone will happen naturally if that is what the parents want.