Why do MIL and FIL demand 'alone time' with a baby?

[SilverBirchTree]

Since DS was born over a year ago, my MIL and FIL have been obsessed with having 'alone' time with him. Spending time with their son and myself as well is no good, apparently.

It started from when DS was a newborn, MIL constantly walking off with him in her arms, or shooing me off to go have a sleep or a haircut even when I said I was not tired etc.

As he has gotten older they have gotten more demanding about their 'alone time', and are now throwing an enormous tantrum (literally screaming and crying and my FIL even dropped himself onto the floor in anguish twice. I wish I was exaggerating) because we wont allow them to babysit DS all day while we are at work. Apparently we are denying them their 'rights' as grandparents.

I've seen other threads about the same thing- grandparents demanding or expecting sleep overs, being able to take the baby out of the house without asking, MIL walking out of the maternity ward with the baby...

My question is Why? Why do they need to be alone with a baby? What are they planning to do that they don't want to do in front of us?

QuintadiMalago you sound lovely. I have a similar relationship with my MIL although I'm probably not her favourite person, she treats me very much like her daughter and I treat her like my mum.

Saying that, she was extremely excited when DC1 came along and like many others, wanted to keep her alone and have her overnight for sleepovers. Major obstacle was that she was ebf...and continued to be until well over 1year. Once on solids, I did let them keep her for several hours at a time and even full days when I went back to work but not overnight because of feeding. I'll be honest, it got to me a lot when she kept talking about taking her overnight to give me a break. I didn't want a break from her, even after she was on solids, I didn't feel the need for me time but MIL is young, fit and healthy and I knew baby's safety was never ever at risk with them.

She is now a happy 2 year old and the bond they have is incredible. It makes me so happy to see the way my DC greets her when they meet. I'm glad I gently stood my ground but bit my tongue when it was frustrating me because I know MIL had the best of intentions and just wanted to enjoy her GC

Did your DH have a happy childhood? His parents sound deranged.

Absolutely no way would a grown adult who has hysterics on the floor be left alone with my child.

To answer the question, IMO in laws often want alone time with their grandchildren when they are tiny babies so that they can for a minute pretend it's their baby. I think this tends to be more the case when they don't like their DIL. My sister's MIL only likes babies and has no interest in children so will demand to hold the baby as much as possible but then will make no effort when the children are older - in fact they are pretty much NC now at the MIL's choosing.

My DC are 1 and 5. The 5 year old has alone time with both sets of her (totally sane) grandparents, sometimes overnight, and they all have a lovely time. The 1 year old is too young to really benefit from this and so he stays with us for now. I know they would love to have him, but as they don't live very close he doesn't know them very well and they completely understand this.

Even if our parents lived locally and offered to provide childcare for us, we would still send our DC to nursery. I think it's best to keep GP time to fun only with no obligations and I think the DC benefit from other children etc. Just my preference.

YANBU!!

For me, the bit I would be rather concerned about it the 'throwing himself on the floor' and crying, etc - they sound unhinged.

Your PILs sound batshit and I would not let them near my child without me present.

My grandparents lived in a different country to us growing up and we saw them 3/4 times a year and we had an amazing relationship with them! So I don’t buy the whole ‘need to bond properly without (in particular) the mother there’ thing at all.

Nobody has a right to spend any time at all with anyone else’s children even if they’re neice/nephews or grandchildren. You get to build a relationship by having a good relationship with the parents, being a decent caring person and NOT by throwing silly tantrums or being controlling.

I never thought twice about my children being alone with either my parents or my husband's parents...but then none of them would have a tantrum every time I said something they didn't agree with.

Their behaviour is preventing them having a more natural relationship with their grandchild. Nothing else.

They want alone time as a power grab against you and to specifically do things they know you won't approve of.

If it was just to have some fantastic quality time with their grandchild they'd behave in a far more nurturing way and make you believe and trust that leaving your child with them was a natural extension of your child rearing.

They’re not trust worthy people. I am fairly blaze about child rearing. I’m happy for mine to go off with most family members for the whole day/overnight and I don’t have any particularly strict rules, I trust the judgement of the aunt/uncle/whatever. But I never let them be alone with my FIL, not even for five minutes, bevause he’s silly like your PIL and I can’t trust him. They weren’t left alone with MIL when they were babies either because she purposefully did things that we didn’t want (which were very few like not giving three month old food or not giving reluctant weaner bottles). I know that some parents are a bit OTT with following routines etc but you definitely don’t fall in this category. Your PIL sound unhinged. I wouldn’t leave my children with people like that.

FIL even dropped himself onto the floor in anguish twice

bloody hell, has he ever been to the sistine chapel?

“bloody hell, has he ever been to the sistine chapel?”

.
I really want to know what he does next.

There is no fucking way I’d let them have alone time after tantrumming like that.

In your position I would write to them. Something short and simple. Along the lines of :

Dear PIL

It is important to us for ds to have a good with all his grandparents.

We are sorry you are struggling to understand our decision to not leave ds with you alone. You have been very vocal on this issue.

Our decision was taken after much thought as you are unwilling or unable to look after ds according to our instructions. We also have some safety concerns.

We are very upset about your response to our decision and no amount of wailing and pleading will change this. Moreover your behaviour is making it very difficult to see you. Consequently we now feel that if this behaviour continues we will be forced to see less of you as we do not wish ds to be around to witness the tantrums.

So please in future let us celebrate and have calm times together and perhaps given time we may be able to review this situation.

Love the SBT’s

oops “good relationship”

Asking for alone time IMO is completely reasonable, if I were a grandparent I would definitely want this, why would anyone only want 'supervised' contact. So them asking for that is entirely normal. They want to build their 1 to 1 relationship and if they know your parents get this then I'm not surprised they are livid. I think you need to separate the 2 issues...

The 2nd issue of them (from your accounts) is that they are somewhat unhinged... and I'm sure they would disagree with you, so perhaps involving a 3rd party to address their behaviour would be beneficial. Perhaps family counselling to improve the communication between all of you. Yes they are at fault but they aren't going to see that without some help, I don't think.

My parents are the type to throw themselves on the floor in anguish. MIL used to have the DCs over for holidays, whereas I wouldn't let my parents babysit from the next room.

I just don’t get it. I have two DGD and I can’t even begin to put into words how much I love them but I’m happy to see them and spend time with them whether they’re with DD and DSIL or not. The oldest calls for me when she wakes up and wants me to play, bath, do bedtimes with her when I visit which I love to do, so we get to spend most of the day together. I get to cuddle the baby when she’s awake and after the eldest goes to bed which is also heaven. I love chatting to DD while we do our stuff and she can have a rest, shower etc in piece.

I have had the eldest overnight a few times and on my own at DD and DSILs for a few days and often DD will go out when I visit, but I enjoy spending time her then no more than i do when we are all together and we have a lovely close bond without needing regular alone time.

if you aren’t happy then I’d say be firm but calm and say no you don’t feel ready to leave DS. If they start to challenge that just say everyone is different and this is how you and DH feel and you arent going to keep discussing it. Better still DH says it. It’s not ok for them to put this pressure and emotional blackmail on you and don’t rise to the bait.

@ComeMonday 😂😂😂😂😂

I can only tell you how I feel with having alone time with my grandsons, for me it's amazing to be able to watch them grow up, when I was their father's parent I was so effing busy I never had the time to just watch him. I'm now able to take time, such a luxury when they're small and to try to build a relationship with them. For me it's just to get to know them as people. I love their father, my son and I love their mother, my daughter in law. My grandsons primary relationship is with their parents, their secondary is probably with my DIL's parents I just want them to know I'm here if they ever need me. I look at them and recognise traits of my son and it's so sweet watching these tiny people. It's like my heart had gone back in time.

^^This.

However, these people sound beyond batshit and I would never leave my children with people who behave like that.

Well it's not unreasonable for GPs to want alone time with their GCs but in this case I would stay firm until you fell you can trust them. Throwing physical tantrums is a massive problem I think coupled with their use of language about "grandparents' rights!" They don't sound as though they would respect your wishes if they were caring for your baby and I'd be a little worried that they wouldn't return your baby when they were supposed to etc.

I have read that the parental urge with babies can be far stronger in a GP than actual parents, something to do with biological legacy and the fact that often GPs finally the ability to spend time enjoying their GCs. My Dsis has problems with our DM as she is also pushy and obsessed with my DN. Both Dsis and I did not have a great experience growing up with our DM, she was incredibly busy with work, graduate school and career etc. and was mostly tired, irritable and annoyed at us at any given moment. It was clear to us that our DM did not enjoy being a mother although we are proud of her achievements, home life was not good. Seeing her as an obsessed GP is actually a bit galling for me and Dsis given our experiences with her.

I would keep as quiet as possible however about letting your own DPs spend time with your baby. I can understand why that must be so upsetting to your PILs as well as being a clear statement that you think they aren't to be trusted (even if that's true!)

for me it's amazing to be able to watch them grow up, when I was their father's parent I was so effing busy I never had the time to just watch him. I'm now able to take time, such a luxury

I think with IL is was partly this - I also suspect MIL had pnd plus I think they had DH too soon - though MIL was only few years younger than my Mum she was obsessed with what she felt she missed out having not been young for long enough.

Plus control issues - ( my parents are like this as well I married into a very similar set up neither DH or I can know anything) and I’m not “family” though I’ve refused to let them push me out with my DH and kids. It is odd that they have frequently demanded things or input on areas they wouldn't countenance their own parents having a say in.

Constant undermining of DH and I as parents – even to point of putting DC at risk by doing opposite of what we said.

Another DGM I knew said she liked alone time for the attention of pushing the pram got her – I often felt like MIL was like that that my children were more props that people to her.

It was years before we could trust them alone with the kids – constantly having to thwart attempts to get that and stop MIL running off with pfb at every opportunity.

Boundaries, refusing to be undermined, refusing to discuss parenting choices, children becoming little people and time as they can see children aren’t screwed up by our parenting have all helped calm them down. I feel we've had to learn how to manage them. They are much better DGP than my own parents and my children do benefit from having them in their lives.

There are fewer digs though still quite a few aimed at me. They’ve also gone other way with safety – now they think we are too lax when DH and I were doing similar things at much younger ages.

My parents or inlaws never did this. We did live some distance away though so we visited as a family. When the kids were older they stayed overnight and often went on holiday with them for a week but when they were babies they didn't do much alone with them at all and were delighted to see all of us and not baby focussed. The throw on floor tantrum sounds bizarre for an adult and would put me off. I've never known an adult without either severe learning difficulties, pseudoseizures or dementia throw themselves on the floor histrionically.

language about "grandparents' rights!"

We heard a lot of about this as well - I think that slowly died down when we hadn't seen them for a while. They'd upset DH and they may have actually looked into it.

Shortly afterwards their social circle shift due to work changes and I think they also had less people egging them on as it were.

Some of my fondest memories of my paternal grandmother and maternal grandfather are of times we spent together when my parents weren't around. My grandfather used to walk up to the local shop with us to get his paper, and would introduce us all around him with great pride. He was a fabulous and endlessly popular man so we were always greeted like queens. I was so proud of him, and he of me. And he bought me orange Calippos when they were new and my mother wouldn't. I loved him so much and will miss him always. So I think children spending "alone" time with grandparents can be wonderful.

That said, anyone who screamed and had a tantrum at me about anything would not be spending time alone with my children so YANBU OP!

What do you think is going to happen to your DS if the GPs babysit?
I suggest absolutely nothing.

"I am asking today about why GPs feel 'alone time' as opposed to family time is so important. Babysitting is out (the AIBU Q of my last post) and now I am tying to understand what they actually want to achieve and find solutions to make them feel included without leaving my son unsupervised with them."

See, whilst I do understand that it is ok to want (not demand) some alone time with a small child, I think with your inlaws it is now about equal treatment with the other grandparents. You have, in effect, stated that one lot are fit to look after your son alone and the other lot are not and they are outraged and offended by your view and see it as totally unfair and a judgement on them. Whilst I ENTIRELY agree with your position, I doubt you will be able to appease your inlaws without complete capitulation to their wishes. You are simply not going to be able to give them what they want and so you should stop bothering to try IMO.

Good luck OP, it all sounds incredibly draining.

Quinta's post is lovely and I encourage my dcs to spend time with their grandparents. In fact I was very disappointed at my IL's lack of interest when my dcs were little. However the FIL's reaction is very weird - throwing himself on the floor?!! Are they from a different culture where emotional displays are more normal?