Why do MIL and FIL demand 'alone time' with a baby?

[SilverBirchTree]

Since DS was born over a year ago, my MIL and FIL have been obsessed with having 'alone' time with him. Spending time with their son and myself as well is no good, apparently.

It started from when DS was a newborn, MIL constantly walking off with him in her arms, or shooing me off to go have a sleep or a haircut even when I said I was not tired etc.

As he has gotten older they have gotten more demanding about their 'alone time', and are now throwing an enormous tantrum (literally screaming and crying and my FIL even dropped himself onto the floor in anguish twice. I wish I was exaggerating) because we wont allow them to babysit DS all day while we are at work. Apparently we are denying them their 'rights' as grandparents.

I've seen other threads about the same thing- grandparents demanding or expecting sleep overs, being able to take the baby out of the house without asking, MIL walking out of the maternity ward with the baby...

My question is Why? Why do they need to be alone with a baby? What are they planning to do that they don't want to do in front of us?

OP I think you're married to my husband

Haven't read the full thread purposely.
They're doing it because they are controlling bastards. They want full control of grandchild, without you around. It's that simple.
Now I'll read back and find out how unreasonable I am lol.

They do this to satisfy their own cravings/feelings/obsessions and are blind to the needs and wants of the child and parents!

My DM is obsessed by my little nephew. I recently attended his birthday party where my DM ignored the 3 other (girl) grandchildren and followed toddler boy GC around for 2 hours. Standing over him breaking up his food. Pushing into all the photos. Not encouraging him to play with other kids but to be giving her attention. It was so cringe
I sat on the floor with him at one point (she can’t.. haha) and was encouraging him to follow the movements of the entertainer playing games/singing and she was then standing over ME ‘supervising’ and telling everyone how she was in love with him because he’s a boy. Whilst the other 3 girl GC stood nearby

It is all about how it makes them feel. I know it’s weird but you have to stand your ground or it will become more and more about them and extreme!

I'd love time alone with my granddaughter, to give her parents a break as I remember being a young mum. It's not a right and I'd stick to their rules as so much has changed since I had babies. I think for most parents and grandparents this sort of contact gradually develops as the children get older.

I love spending time on my own with my great nephews. I like being able to focus on them and get to know them. I don’t understand why it’s considered such a weird thing to hope for on Mumsnet. But I would not leave any child alone with people who behave like this! “and are now throwing an enormous tantrum (literally screaming and crying and my FIL even dropped himself onto the floor in anguish twice. I wish I was exaggerating)“ because they are clearly unhinged. I have seriously never met an adult who threw himself on the floor like a toddler. Does he have some sort of mental incapacity?

I think what it comes down to is that a lot of children naturally want to be with their parents. So a baby or toddler naturally chooses mum or Dad when tired, or upset or just generally gravitate to them

By being alone you get to be the one they want

I have no issues seeing my Dsis with her DC and do not feel I can’t get to know them with her there. I have looked after them alone but I wouldn’t dream of insisting it was a regular Occurance!

I think for most parents and grandparents this sort of contact gradually develops as the children get older.

This is what bothers me about a lot of these grandparent shenanigans. Babies want to be around their mothers, and in the case of breastfed babies need to be around them. Why not accept that for the first 2-3 years anyone other than the primary caregivers will be secondary figures in the child's life?

Unless GPs are ill or very elderly, there is no reason that they need to be so grabby about baby DGCs. As they get older there will be plenty of opportunity to build a relationship.

I don’t get this either. My mil is obsessed with spending time alone with my ds. When she sees him even for a minute she has to separate him from the group and bring him off somewhere.

It's a fine line isn't it?

My lovely MIL didn't know where to put herself when ds was born as her other DIL hadn't allowed her any freedom with her dgc.

She used to wait to be offered a cuddle with him etc which really upset me. Especially as ds was a longish stay NICU baby so we'd had to limit cuddles even for us. I didn't want contact rationing for anyone when I knew how that feels!

She also asked for a list of things she could and couldn't do when she looked after him. Yes, ds is 'ours' but he's also family. We had a chat and I told her to go with her gut.

They have an amazingly loving relationship and I'd not change that just to be in control!

It doesn’t matter WHY they’re behaving like this. You and DH recognise it’s unacceptable and putting sensible boundaries in place.

A good option could be to further reduce contact, and to end phone calls when they are behaving inappropriately.

DH might benefit from some of the recommended links and books on the Stately Homes (dysfunctional families) threads on relationships.

I wouldn’t ever leave my DC in the care of people behaving like this.

MN is such a parallel universe sometimes. If my DM or MIL had offered to have mine whilst I had my hair done or had a sleep - I would be gone before you finished the sentence.

As someone who has the opposite situation in that all DCs grandparents are not interested/not confident in having DC without me and our DH there I often wish they'd want to spend time alone with DC. I think it would be lovely for DC and nice for me and DH to get a break and some alone time together. Have you ever left them alone with your DC? What does your DH think? Can they be trusted? I admit the tantrum on the floor would be a worry to me!

I totally adore my Grandson. However I can think of nothing worse than being alone with him for more than an hour or so!! He is the most full-on child I have ever met and I would be a crumpled heap if I had him overnight!! He is 5 now and the situation hasn't changed lol. I simply can't keep up with him... maybe we should hire him out to all these GPs who demand 'alone time', he would soon cure them.

They are batshit crazy.

Firstly, they don’t have any rights.
Secondly, any adult who behaves they way they do, wouldn’t have any alone time with my child
Thirdly, so what if you offend them. No one died from being offended.

Has your FIL ever visited the Sistine chapel, by any chance?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

So you’d be fine with leaving DC with MiL and FIL like OP’s who are Stately Homes types and regularly throw tantrums, including FiL throwing himself on the floor, patchwork?

@Redwinestillfine my DH keeps trying to reason with them but they hardly let him speak. If he talks about their behaviour at all they start with 'don't you spin this around!' 'You're not the victim here!' 'Don't try and go tit for tat on us!' They feel so aggrieved and that we are so mean that they won't hear a word on any topic other than how awful we have been.

So he doesn't get very far. I'm trying to be supportive of DH who doesn't want to lose his relationship with them, but in don't speaking with them for now. I don't think it's my job to listen to insults and hysterics.

They have an amazingly loving relationship and I'd not change that just to be in control!

But your MIL treated your feelings with enormous respect and consideration. That kind of trust can’t be forced. I was happy to leave my children in the care of their grandparents quite early, but I never once felt that my in-laws pushed for anything I wasn’t comfortable with. Sounds like this pressure started early.

DD was a very hard baby, I would have really loved grandparent's to take over, but they diden't , she is now dx with ASD, learning difficulties.

However they do sound very overbearing, and the more behaviours they display, the more that you will not allow them to look after your ds. You want to know that he will be safe in their care, if you are unsure than you can't have them looking after the baby.

@Loopytiles we bought a copy of Susan forward's emotional blackmail book and DH has found it confronting but true. It's given us a bit of a script to use when speaking with them, which is helpful

They really are being over the top. They will want to have time with your son on their own in the future but he's very little at the moment. When he is older they'll enjoy taking him out to different places.

I don't understand why they are being so dramatic about it right now, your father in law throwing himself on the floor for example. Never heard the like.

They may not feel embarrassed but their behaviour is embarrassing and your husband must feel it.

Stick to your guns or compromise by going to their house or having them to yours for a visit and sitting in a different room for a while,

Perhaps there's another family member, like a brother or sister, who can talk a bit of sense into them. I'm very much on your side but wonder if there is a bit of a back story that you may not even be aware of. Give it some thought.

Obviously the OP’s in laws and some other grandparents are completely bonkers. But if the grandparents concerned are sane and sensible, I don’t get why some people are so strongly opposed to them spending a bit of time alone with the children, so long as the children are happy with it. It’s lovely to be able to chatter on to a child you love without being overheard- I make up songs of such surpassing silliness that I’d be inhibited by the presence of another adult! And what’s wrong with a child starting to build their own relationships with other adults? Obviously the OP’s in laws shouldn’t be left in sole charge of a hamster, and obviously no snatching babies away from the breast and so on, but in normal circumstances?

Bertrand for me it depends on trust. If I trust the person it's fine otherwise no matter how nice they are if I can't trust them then no.