Why do MIL and FIL demand 'alone time' with a baby?

[SilverBirchTree]

Since DS was born over a year ago, my MIL and FIL have been obsessed with having 'alone' time with him. Spending time with their son and myself as well is no good, apparently.

It started from when DS was a newborn, MIL constantly walking off with him in her arms, or shooing me off to go have a sleep or a haircut even when I said I was not tired etc.

As he has gotten older they have gotten more demanding about their 'alone time', and are now throwing an enormous tantrum (literally screaming and crying and my FIL even dropped himself onto the floor in anguish twice. I wish I was exaggerating) because we wont allow them to babysit DS all day while we are at work. Apparently we are denying them their 'rights' as grandparents.

I've seen other threads about the same thing- grandparents demanding or expecting sleep overs, being able to take the baby out of the house without asking, MIL walking out of the maternity ward with the baby...

My question is Why? Why do they need to be alone with a baby? What are they planning to do that they don't want to do in front of us?

I can’t be,I e adults would actually behave like this, it really isnt normal, you know. Of course, most grandparents want to spend time with their children offspring but this just sounds weird.

I am a grandparent and I would question their behaviour as it does not seem normal.How can you want to look after your grandchild to this extent that your willing to manipulate the parent in this way. I can't see any reason for their behaviour. It does not seem normal and I don't think you should allow your child to go with them just because their the grandparents. Their behaviour actually sounds very unnerving.

Believe.

Actually asking to see a child " alone"... What the hell..

I think you are right not to use them for child care, but maybe you could give them a couple hours once a week while you and hubby have dinner? It would probably make MIL very happy to do bath and bedtime and keep her off your back.

My parents love to get my kids to themselves -- it makes them feel closer to them when the kids are looking to them for care. If you are there they will always be looking to you instead. Same goes for fathers in some families. I firmly believe you have to leave a newborn alone with its dad for a couple of hours a few times a week at minimum so he has to develop that bond.

A bond with grandparents is a special gift if you can find a way to manage it without feeling worried for baby's safety or driven crazy by their outrageous demands and histrionics.

They are emotionally blackmailing you. Don't give in. They don't seem to be the right people to leave your child alone with. It makes no difference they are grandparents or not.

Grands get children at parents' discretion. That is non-negotiable.

Bad behavior, i.e tantrums, should be treated as you would a child. Firmly.

Quietly explain that tantrum behavior is unacceptable and receives nothing except being left alone to collect oneself and figure out how to interact in socially responsible manner.

maybe you could give them a couple hours once a week while you and hubby have dinner? It would probably make MIL very happy to do bath and bedtime and keep her off your back.

EllenMP have you RTFT at all? I dont think a bond with this particular set of grandparents would be a gift at all!

I'd video one of their visits and show it back to them! They sound like hard work.

I can't offer any real advice - both my DM and DMIL weren't interested in babysitting their grandchildren! But they were much older and had health priorities and had to wait 15 years after we were married before becoming grandparents (via adoption). They did love them though.

Hope you get them to realise they are being ridiculous and they don't actually have rights. Becoming a grandparent should be a joyous occasion, not one to cause such stress and upset (to you)!

Would you feel the same way if it was your mother and father asking for time alone with their grandchild? It often seems that birth mothers think of their partners parents as secondary or as having the relationship status of a neighbor. Just because they are not your blood doesn't mean that the child isn't.

ps when the terrible twos start, please please please have a naughty step for his granddad too!!!

My ex’s mum was exactly like this. Well, the whole family were bloody high-maintenance drama queens to be honest, ex included! But ex’s sister had a little girl and MIL was constantly complaining about how ‘unfair’ it was that the other grandparents got to spend more time with her and always asked to babysit when she wasn’t.

The thing with exMIL though was that she only ever offered to babysit or asked to visit her grandkids at completely stupid, unsuitable, last minute times. Then got offended when they said no. To the outside world she would make a huge fuss over her grandchild and how much she adored her... but she never actually offer to hold her or change a nappy or even help out a bit around the house so that the parents could have a break. She just seemed to want the World’s Best Grandma kudos while making zero actual effort.

I once ended up sitting upstairs cuddling the baby for an hour when she wouldn’t settle during a party that the parents were having. When MIL found out the baby was awake she started kicking off demanding to know why no one had told her... but did she actually come and offer to relieve me of my duties? Did she fuck. She just wandered in, glass of wine in hand, made a few shrieking noises about how much she loved the baby and gave her a huge over-the-top kiss, then swanned out again. It was all about the performance of making sure everyone knew what a wonderful grandma she was (and how hard done by she was, being ‘deprived’ of grandma rights by her cruel daughter)

I have so many questions it's unreal

• were they like this when your DP was growing up? I imagine weeping, wailing and floor flopping every time your DP did something they didn't like?
• how does your FIL go from tantrum on floor to getting up again? It is a complete transformation from madness to sanity or does he gradually regain composure?
• what do you all do why he does this?
• why aren't you NC?
• is your DP "normal" ?

As I say so many questions.

I wonder if the more you deny them time with the DGC, the more they want to have some time alone. They seem a bit over the top but it looks like they think this is the only way to get through to you

In my case as a grandparent, I have a good amount of "alone" time with my grandchildren. I am called upon to babysit at all hours of the day and night. I really do mean all hours of the night.

What I would really want is for my own DCs who are mothers of the DGC to actually spend time with me rather than just flashing through my life as they drop off or pick up. I would like to be "visited" and chat about all sorts of things over a cuppa and cake with the DGC playing about with each other.

Silverbirch , as you and DH are on the same page bird up your lions and tell them how they are in danger of ruining your relationship with them !

I’m a grandparent and would never behave like them. Ask your DH to speak to them about their behaviour. I don’t see my eldest son’s children very often as DIL too busy. It does upset me but I would never say a word to my DS or DIL. So I just enjoy the few times I see the GC. They are behaviour is childish and selfish.

Anyone who "demands" alone time is an entitled twat. Anyone who is "screaming and crying" or "dropping themselves onto the floor in anguish twice" is not emotionally stable enough to care for a small child

Sorry op I know it's ghastly dealing with pils like this but dropping to the floor is hilarious

Still.... that's really sad, sounds like your being taken advantage of there.

Maybe they are too busy to notice...

My pils can't get rid of us fast enough

I think they sound very strange and dramatic. Nothing wrong with grandparents spending time with their grandchildren but demanding Aline time is plain weird. N

Grandparents don't, I think, have any legal rights whatsoever when it comes to seeing their grandchildren. And frankly, if the parents had a shit upbringing why would they want to allow their own kids to have to go through it too? Just a thought. Some grandparents shouldn't be allowed within a mile of their grandkids. (Spoken as an ex-social worker who's seen a lot of dysfunctional families.)

You obviously have no real need of your M and FIL let's hope it continues that way. Most GPs like to establish a good,fun relationship with GC and this comes into the fore if they are ever needed to babysit or look after the GC , the child will be familiar with them and their surroundings and will settle. FiL does seem a bit over the top basically begging but then it is his GC. Most parents would be jumping for joy at the offer of babysitters, still your and Dhs choice.

I think I remember one of your previous posts. Was it about your MIL giving the baby food, when they were exclusively BF, and denying it? I said at the time she sounds like a narcissist, and I’ll say it again. That behaviour practically screams narcissism to me. Grandparents are entitled to a relationship with their Grandchildren if the relationship with parents is amicable. But it’s not a right and as many have said before, as if you would even consider leaving them with grown adults that act like tantruming toddlers. They will drive a permanent wedge between you and your DP and themselves if they aren’t careful. There’s only so long you can take the stress of dealing with people that think they are entitled to say and do as they please. Good luck OP!

They probably have no weird ulterior motives and just long to have their gc to themselves at times to show him off, have fun etc.. However, their behaviour and ignoring of your childcare rules mean that they haven’t earned your trust so YANBU. It’s sad that they don’t see this for themselves. It would benefit them to take a step back and think about the reasons you’re reluctant to turn to them for childcare. Respect and an open, honest line of communication between parents and carers is vital when it comes to childcare.

@numberoneson perhaps you should tell the "they brought your husband up, and he's ok" brigade some reasons why that's not a good enough reason to allow some grandparents to look after their GC.