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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL taking baby out without telling me

240 replies

avidreader3 · 13/02/2019 23:20

I wanted to get other opinions on this as I'm not sure whether I'm being overly sensitive about it.

My MIL is currently visiting, we see her every few weeks, so she isn't too familiar with the baby. Earlier today she was in the house playing with the baby. I popped upstairs for a few minutes. Next thing I hear is the front door shut. I look outside the window and see her walking down the street with the baby in the pram and the dog. She hadn't told us she was going out, she had my handbag in the pram and the dog hadn't even got his collar on.

I had a bit of a rant at my partner about this and he phoned her and told her to come back. Apparently she was just going for a walk, couldn't find the dog collar so didn't put it on and knew my handbag was in there but didn't think much of it. Plus she doesn't seem to think it's weird to just take my 5 month old baby away from me without telling me.

I still feel wound up about it. Is this weird behaviour or do I need to chill out?

OP posts:

Yidette86 · 15/02/2019 20:13

Still can't believe there's some people that think this isn't a big deal... Of course it is for a few reasons.

Neither myself or my partner would go out with our baby without saying something to each other, because that's just the normal thing to do... My MIL is absolutely brilliant, love her millions and I know she would never dream of just deciding to take our baby out without speaking to us first, if we had a dog she also wouldn't disappear with that either, especially without a lead and my handbag (what sane person would?)... Because she's a normal reasonable person.

ineedaholidaynow · 15/02/2019 20:18

So Cream did the MIL make the best decision when walking the dog along a road without a collar and lead?

Thecreosotekid · 15/02/2019 20:19

Is this really so fucking weird?

Yes it really is fucking weird. Bundling your DGC into their pram, taking the dog (minus collar and lead) and her DILs handbag and going out without a word.

And to the pp saying she’s tired of these ‘ drama llama threads ‘ and asking whether the OP was just trying to show what a great mum she is and how she can’t bear to be parted from her baby. What a load of crap. I’m probably also older than the majority on here and am a grandma and I say this is thoughtless and dangerous behaviour (what if that dog had run into the road or just run off completely? ). Since when is someone being a drama llama because they expect someone to at least say “ I’m just taking DS and the dog for a little walk. Is that ok? Or better still “Can I take DS and the dog for a walk? “

MissConductUS · 15/02/2019 20:25

And baby isn't the same as a car.

Right. A baby isn't replaceable if it goes missing. My point was that taking someones car without asking would at a minimum be extremely thoughtless. So taking someone's baby without asking would be far, far worse.

ReaganSomerset · 15/02/2019 20:34

I feel sorry for MILs- not allowed alone time with their GC

I don't get this at all. Why do they need 'alone time'?

Juells · 15/02/2019 20:40

I'd pay good money not to have alone time with anyone else's baby

Neither myself or my partner would go out with our baby without saying something to each other, because that's just the normal thing to do...
It would never have occurred to me to 'tell my husband' that I was taking the baby out for a walk in the pram. If my mother or MiL were every staying, I wouldn't expect them to seek me out if they fancied tootling down the road with the baby in a pram, either.

As I said upthread, the dog and handbag are the things I'd have been about.

neveradullmoment99 · 15/02/2019 20:45

We always tell each other we are going out. Its courtesy. Very strange behaviour.

Yidette86 · 15/02/2019 21:11

So leaving without the dog and your handbag are the things that would concern you the most, but not your baby? I do find that quite strange.

We always thought it was common curtesy to communicate with each other before one of us heads out, even without a baby.

Yidette86 · 15/02/2019 21:12

*with

Yidette86 · 15/02/2019 21:16

I don't think we're talking about a typical person here either, even more reason why I wouldn't want them wandering off without my child without saying something.

Yidette86 · 15/02/2019 21:17

*with... Damn auto correct

Juells · 15/02/2019 21:28

We always thought it was common curtesy to communicate with each other before one of us heads out, even without a baby.

Yes, if you're going 'out, out' But not for a little wander down the road with a pram. Perhaps we have different mental images of what the road looks like? I'm thinking of where I lived when my children were babies, and it was a quiet cul de sac with a green in the middle, with no traffic. Three minutes to walk around.

manicmij · 15/02/2019 21:49

I must be some sort of misfit as I wouldn't be upset. Surely partner's mother wouldn't be off for a day trip with the baby but just a bit of fresh air. The dog not being on a lead would be a concern for the dog and others including GP. Why are folk so possessive and utterly lacking in judgement when it comes to GPs and children.

Smoggle · 15/02/2019 21:50

Juells - wouldn't that be quite weird though, if you went upstairs to put some washing away and came back down to find husband and baby gone?

Quite dangerous once your baby was a toddler too - surely you'd have no idea if your husband had taken your toddler with him or the child had wandered off?

Motoko · 15/02/2019 21:51

I'm thinking of where I lived when my children were babies, and it was a quiet cul de sac with a green in the middle, with no traffic. Three minutes to walk around.

That's not exactly "going down the road" then, is it? All he'd have to do is look out of the window, and he'd see you out there. That's not really any different from going out into the garden.

Yb23487643 · 15/02/2019 22:36

Really weird! My mil did something similar shopping, was walking with me & baby & pushes pram while I turned my back to look at something on a shelf in a shop. Turned & they’d gone, she’d left shop & headed off in the opposite direction. Was so weird, could’ve said to me “I’m taking baby outside” or “if you want to keep shopping I’ll just be going towards M&S” or something. Total weirdo & made me lose trust massively. So any “control” or closeness she was aiming for was pretty much ruled out of the question for a year or so. & I’ll never forget it. There were some other weird things on the same day, trying to get baby to eat before weaning she & persevering with letting baby eat a chunk of meat despite 1 episode of gagging. Bizarre. It’s a kind of madness I swear. I hope I’m never that type of MIL!!

onegiftedgal · 15/02/2019 22:59

Her behaviour is definitely not OK. She has massively over stepped the mark and it makes no difference that she has raised your partner and he turned out fine (as another poster mentioned) as if this gives her some right.
She has taken your baby away without your permission! Imagne all of the things that could have happened.
It is a deal breaker for me.
My PIL did similar with our 3 children, then 7, 5 & 2. We were staying at their house and my DH & I were only in the next room washing up when we realised that it had gone quiet. No message or anything, just vanished. They don't have mobiles so we split up and searched the neighbourhood. We eventually found them in a very large adventure playground (I'm talking over 200 children) over a mile away. They had driven them there (no car seats) and whilst they were sat inside the cafe having a drink, our children were split up, lost and alone all crying their eyes out. My DH was livid and when he asked them what the fuck they were doing, they replied that it was easier just letting them get on with it as it was impossible to look after all 3 at once!
It is abduction, neglect and abuse of trust - a crime actually and I don't know why PIL seem to think that they are exempt. Wtf is wrong with that generation?

pallisers · 16/02/2019 00:53

Why are folk so possessive and utterly lacking in judgement when it comes to GPs and children.

because the grandparent so lacks in judgment that she takes a walk with a baby and a dog with the dog off-lead - which you said yourself was wrong. The dog runs off - what does she do?

you can't answer the OP on the basis that the MIL went out for a walk with the baby. That would be fine. But she didn't. She went out for a walk with a baby, an off-lead dog, and the OP's bag. That is what people are judging.

I may be alone in this but if MIL (not that she would she is delightful - I love her) took my lovely dog out off-lead, I'd be so f-ing angry that she had risked him being knocked down and killed that I wouldn't have time to be angry about her taking my baby and handbag without as much as a shout up the stairs to tell me. But many of you seem to not give a shit about the poor dog. weird.

expat101 · 16/02/2019 07:07

You and your Partner were upstairs?

Do you think as you both left her downstairs she might have just been giving you a bit of space to do whatever it was upstairs together, while she, dog and child went for a walk out? Sounds perfect to me.

CaptainBrickbeard · 16/02/2019 07:33

^Expat have you actually read any of the thread at all? What about the dog not being on a lead? How is that perfect??

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 16/02/2019 11:11

It is perfectly acceptable for a grandparent to want to take a walk with their GC and even to take the dog BUT it or NOT acceptable to do it without letting the parents know.

It’s a simple matter of courtesy. This morning I was down the end of the garden when the back door opened and DH shouted “Hey Bugger I’m just popping to the newsagent and DS is coming with me”. This meant that when I went back in the house I wasnt looking for DH or 15yo DS wondering why they didn’t appear in the kitchen when I told them there was a fresh pot of tea ready! It DID mean I knew I could pop into DSs room and grab his (vast collection) of washing up and open the windows for a bit to get rid of the “teen fug”. It’s not about getting permission it’s just letting others know what is happening... what if there’d been a fire? OP and her OH could have been panicking about where MIL and baby were....

ralfeesmum · 16/02/2019 11:18

I would be very worried that she took off without even a murmur - just scarpered, apparently sneakily too.

Are we looking at the start of possible dementia issues here? Is this incident out of character?

mrsmuddlepies · 16/02/2019 11:31

I haven't read the full thread but I have noticed the nasty, perhaps it's the start of dementia comments. There was a thread a few weeks ago and women were egging each other on to gaslight the disgraced MIL to think she had dementia. It was suggested that leaflets be left around, comments made about driving and pretending the MIL had forgotten things. I asked if these female posters would punish other people by gas lighting them into thinking they had a brain tumour or cancer. The gas lighting posters went quiet and the OP reassured me that she would never do that. I forwarded the link to the Alzheimer's Association.
I really dislike the vindictiveness shown by some women on here towards older women. It is unhealthy and cruel.
This situation aside where the MIL was in the wrong but it seems to bring out all the 'we hate older women' comments. Age is a contributory factor for dementia but so is alcoholism and obesity and lack of exercise. Some of you need to have some compassion towards those caring for loved ones with terminal illnesses.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/02/2019 11:43

That is totally unacceptable, not asking your permission to take YOUR baby out, and taking the dog out without a lead on, very irresponsible, it is not her dog, and what if it jumps up and injures people.

ralfeesmum · 16/02/2019 11:54

And if MIL hadn't returned safely with the child, mrsmuddlepies? Or,even worse, a policewoman had turned up on the doorstep with tragic news?

You can't afford to take chances with a baby's security and safety. Too late for that when/if something negative occurs.

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