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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL taking baby out without telling me

240 replies

avidreader3 · 13/02/2019 23:20

I wanted to get other opinions on this as I'm not sure whether I'm being overly sensitive about it.

My MIL is currently visiting, we see her every few weeks, so she isn't too familiar with the baby. Earlier today she was in the house playing with the baby. I popped upstairs for a few minutes. Next thing I hear is the front door shut. I look outside the window and see her walking down the street with the baby in the pram and the dog. She hadn't told us she was going out, she had my handbag in the pram and the dog hadn't even got his collar on.

I had a bit of a rant at my partner about this and he phoned her and told her to come back. Apparently she was just going for a walk, couldn't find the dog collar so didn't put it on and knew my handbag was in there but didn't think much of it. Plus she doesn't seem to think it's weird to just take my 5 month old baby away from me without telling me.

I still feel wound up about it. Is this weird behaviour or do I need to chill out?

OP posts:
CallMeRachel · 14/02/2019 00:13

@QuintadiMalago Huh?? Confused

Topseyt · 14/02/2019 00:15

I would have been furious at this and would have read her the riot act.

She massively overstepped the mark with her presumptuous and entitled behaviour.

Iwrotethissongfor · 14/02/2019 00:22

YANBU. Would the posters saying YABU really do that to someone else? “I’m just pooping upstairs for a minute” ... right quickly now I’ll grab the pram and warm clothes and get the baby in them and rush out not bothering to shout up to ask (or indeed even tell) the new parents if I should take them out a walk or or ask where the dog’s collar is? If you would let me assure you - that’s pretty odd behaviour and no one is thinking ah how helpful and restful!

For everyone who posts saying well they raised your partner competently so they should be allowed to do whatever they want with your kids - you do realise that not everyone who was raised by their parents was raised well. A lot of people have fairly distant or tense relationships with parents. They might stick with some contact but found their upbringing difficult damaging or even traumatic and actually are keen that their own children aren’t subjected to the same, whilst trying to allow some contact between grandparent and child. Others still really like their parents but know they’ll do practical things they don’t like or find unsafe: put them to bed on their tummy, not use a car seat properly etc. It’s not so clearcut. In any case this doesn’t arise due to a clear case of what the fuck behaviour running out door in a state with everything a mess so she can avoid you before you come back downstairs 🤦🏽‍♀️

Nunya · 14/02/2019 00:28

Someone is only being helpful if they actually do something that you want doing!

Exactly! I think it’s weird to have taken the dog without his collar and your handbag with her and it wouldn’t be ok with me if she had taken my baby without a word with me first. Of course she is going to think you’re overreacting, but as your dp reminded you “we know that she is not normal”^. Hopefully this will have shown her that she needs to communicate with you first before leaving out with your baby.

CantStopMeNow · 14/02/2019 00:52

She did it deliberately OP, obviously wanted 'alone time' with your baby and did it the very first opportunity she got.

My partner kind of shrugged it off as a 'well we know she's not not normal' type of comment
He's just given you the perfect reason excuse to ensure she is never left unsupervised with your dc ever again!

Knackeredmommy · 14/02/2019 01:11

Totally out of order, of course she should have asked and checked. Sounds off because she didn't even ask for the lead, she wanted to go before you came back downstairs. I'd have spoken to her myself. Don't take my child anywhere without letting me know!

StoppinBy · 14/02/2019 01:12

Not ok at all and especially not ok without putting the dog on a lead, our dog is also very well behaved but has his lead on when we walk him unless it is a safe area for free running.

If your MIL is crazy (and your DH's comment implies she may be unpredictable normally) then this is even worse IMO.

QuintadiMalago · 14/02/2019 01:13

@CallMe Rachel re read your post at 23.58 you called the Mil a sick twisted woman , you could almost see her running up the road with glee, wanting to get the baby alone.
um I'll just point out that you weren't there and your post was total bollocks

SandAndSea · 14/02/2019 01:16

She was completely out of order.

brookshelley · 14/02/2019 01:16

For everyone who posts saying well they raised your partner competently so they should be allowed to do whatever they want with your kids - you do realise that not everyone who was raised by their parents was raised well.

Not only that, but people change. My PILs must have been OK when they had DH and SIL, but today at 70 years old they are not capable of caring for small children alone. Lack of energy, unwillingness to accept updated medical guidance (e.g. CAR SEATS FIL thinks they are pointless), etc.

OP it is very weird for your MIL to take the baby outside without telling you, the lack of lead for dog strongly suggests she just grabbed her chance to have the baby alone and wasn't able to plan for it properly.

QuintadiMalago · 14/02/2019 01:16

Ok, I tried but I'm going back to Twitter, nicer place than here. Enjoy your Mil hating. When you're a Mil you'll obviously all be perfect

ReaganSomerset · 14/02/2019 01:20

QuintadiMalago might be your mother in law, OP.

YADNBU. I'd never leave them in the same room alone together again.

StoppinBy · 14/02/2019 01:23

Oh, I see the issue.... quantid... are you the MIL in question? You seem to be the only person who feels the behaviour was ok.

My PIL raised my DH, they also towed him behind vehicles on public roads in a go kart, put him in a crane basket and put it at full height and left him there while they had lunch as a joke and found my SIL's boots stuck in the middle of the dam when it dried up in the summer (she had gone out at the age of 6/7 in the middle of the night and got stuck in the dam, lost her boots in there and no one knew until they found the boots) among other things, my FIL cannot accept being told something is scary to our DD, even when she says it herself and will throw an adult tanty, snatches things from our kids but tells them off if they do the same to him, kicks/throws balls in the house.... then tells the kids off for doing the same, the list goes on and on

Yes they raised two children, doesn't mean they raised them safely, just that they got lucky and didn't die lol.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 14/02/2019 01:35

When ds was a baby we had a fractured relationship with my MIL (are now NC), she decided to take ds out for a walk whilst visiting. Only to return ten minutes later, furious and embarrassed. Whilst out, a neighbour had spotted her with ds, stopped and asked ds if he knew the lady he was with. Then proceeded to demand to know who she was and why she had our child. Did she have our permission and accused her of lying about being ds’s grandmother as she knew his Granny (my Mum) personally and that dh’s Mother and Father lived in Australia.

Mil was furious for being made to feel like a child snatcher and even more annoyed when I said that she should be reassured that we lived in a village where people looked out for each other and the children in the village.

One good thing was that she didn’t try again to hijack ds and take him out without asking- instead making sure dh was with her.

You need a nosy neighbour op! I bet your dog went along to protect your dd! Dogs are not stupid- they can be very protective over babies in the family!

QuintadiMalago · 14/02/2019 01:36

I'm definitely not the Mil, honest I'm not!
There are so many way over the top replies it's hard to believe that you all mean what you've said. I think it's really sad that so many women just don't trust their Mil's.

sleepylittlebunnies · 14/02/2019 01:38

It does sound very odd. If MIL thought she was being helpful she’d have offered to take the baby and dog out for an hour or so to give you and DH a little break. It’s very strange when you said you were popping upstairs that she didn’t even just say ‘where’s the collar and lead, put the baby in the pram and I’ll go for a walk with them’. Did she have reason to think you’d say no? Has she asked before and you’ve declined?

It just sounds a bit desperate and hasty to get them both out the door when you would be back downstairs in a minute. Good that DH called her back. What is it about her that made him say that you both know she’s not normal?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/02/2019 01:39

I think she's hugely overstepped boundaries. What an awful thing to do - if the dog had run off, what would/could she have done? you might have had your phone/ keys in your bag, you couldn't have gone out after her for all she knew - it was a thoroughly irresponsible act.

I don't buy this whole "oh well your partner survived to adulthood so she can't be that bad" bollocks - and agree with StoppinBy's post - my own MIL seemed to have completely forgotten how much care small children need, her memory only seemed to go back as far as her own children being about 7 and pretty self-sufficient! She nearly drowned herself and DS1, taking him out into the lake when he was 2 and absolutely couldn't swim - I'd told DH she wasn't to do this but he thought I was being over-protective and let her - she lost her footing in the water and couldn't regain it, so was underwater herself, trying to hold DS1 above the water. It was only because DH actually turned around in that direction and saw them that they didn't both drown (I wasn't there) so no, I do not remotely subscribe to the idea that just because their own children made it to adulthood, they are perfectly safe with a new baby.

QuintadiMalago · 14/02/2019 01:41

For all those saying I must be the Mil, read the fucking thread for my first repsonse
RTFT

QuintadiMalago · 14/02/2019 01:43

Op be truthful you didn't post in AIBU to ask if you were being unreasonable, you just wanted a load of Mil haters to agree

brookshelley · 14/02/2019 01:44

QuintadiMalago we've read it and disagree with you.

Having raised one or a few children 30-40 years ago doesn't mean grandma can do whatever she wants without asking the parents.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/02/2019 01:50

"My partner kind of shrugged it off as a 'well we know she's not not normal' type of comment."
What did your partner mean by this avidreader3 ? Does your MIL have a history of odd behaviour, because that's what that comment makes me think?

It is very weird. I've seen many threads where grandmothers seem to think they are in charge and can override the parents, and her taking the baby out like that would chime with that. But why not lift your handbag out of the pram? Why take the dog at all, never mind taking the dog out without its collar and lead? It's the dog thing which seem completely mad to me.

QuintadiMalago · 14/02/2019 01:58

This reply has been deleted

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SilverBirchTree · 14/02/2019 01:58

That's so not OK. What an odd entitled thoughtless thing to do.

She was obviously sneaking out, otherwise she would have waited five minutes and asked you where the dog collar was.

I'd be furious and wouldn't leave her alone with the baby for a long time.

Has she even acknowledged that it was the wrong thing to do?

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 14/02/2019 01:59

I would be livid if this happened, you are completely in the right. Even if she only intended on walking around with baby in Oran, why would she not inform you? And who would take someones dog out without a lead thinking this normal? I would worry about her what is going on right now. I wouldn’t allow unsupervised contact again

Italiangreyhound · 14/02/2019 02:02

It's utterly weird behaviour and if you had not actually seen her leave you might have called the police and reported your baby missing.

Just totally unacceptable.