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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL taking baby out without telling me

240 replies

avidreader3 · 13/02/2019 23:20

I wanted to get other opinions on this as I'm not sure whether I'm being overly sensitive about it.

My MIL is currently visiting, we see her every few weeks, so she isn't too familiar with the baby. Earlier today she was in the house playing with the baby. I popped upstairs for a few minutes. Next thing I hear is the front door shut. I look outside the window and see her walking down the street with the baby in the pram and the dog. She hadn't told us she was going out, she had my handbag in the pram and the dog hadn't even got his collar on.

I had a bit of a rant at my partner about this and he phoned her and told her to come back. Apparently she was just going for a walk, couldn't find the dog collar so didn't put it on and knew my handbag was in there but didn't think much of it. Plus she doesn't seem to think it's weird to just take my 5 month old baby away from me without telling me.

I still feel wound up about it. Is this weird behaviour or do I need to chill out?

OP posts:

SemperIdem · 14/02/2019 09:17

Very strange behaviour. I wouldn’t have liked it either, not at all.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 14/02/2019 09:20

Sneaky behaviour!
Your dh needs to wise up, she put your ddog at risk, and your dc if she had had to let go of the pram to deal with ddog.
Fortunately all is well and now you have the measure of her she has buggared up your trust big time but you can be more alert to her ways.

CarolDanvers · 14/02/2019 09:20

I don't buy this whole "oh well your partner survived to adulthood so she can't be that bad" bollocks

Me neither. My MIL raised four kids but was happy to let my three year old not eat a thing for almost 48 hours when I was in hospital giving birth to his sister as “well he wasn’t hungry”. Wasn’t the only time this happened. I do actually believe caring for small non verbal children involves skills unlike many who dismiss it as being an easy and limited job. I look after my one year old niece sometimes and am amazed at how much I have already forgotten despite having raised two children, who are teens now, as a single parent. When I looked after all three of a family members small children I asked her to leave me their written routine and had again forgotten just what a juggling act it was with so much to remember.

CarolDanvers · 14/02/2019 09:23

Then there’s my own parents who would let their three year old play out unsupervised for up to five or six hours or more a day and thought nothing of leaving an 8 and a three year old home alone at night till the early hours of the morning and who had their oldest child providing all day child care from the age of 7 onwards till younger child was deemed old enough to be left alone.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 14/02/2019 09:48

This actually reminded me of something that happened when my Mum was a baby, my Grandmother put then still new Mum in her pram in the garden whilst she made herself a cup of tea. When she came back from making the tea, both baby (my Mum) and her pram were both gone. My poor Granny was hysterical, shouting for help as someone had taken her baby.

Thankfully they lived in a small village and word was quickly put it, one of the neighbours had seen my Grannies sister come up to the door and take my Mum for a walk. My Granny was furious but at least relieved that her sister had the baby! My great grandmother and other great aunts set out to find my GA and bring baby back to my very upset Granny.

When they found her miles away, my GA was very confused and couldn’t understand what she had done wrong. Unfortunately in the case of my GA it was a culmination of erratic behaviour that highlighted to my GGM that there was something not quite right with my GA. Not long after, GA was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour- and passed away around the age of forty. My Mum has no memory of her but I know from pictures that she was a beautiful woman- it was tragic really.

Disclaimer- I am not in any way suggesting that op’s MIL has a brain tumour- or indeed that anything is wrong with her. I suspect that MIL sees OP’s DD as an extension of her son and therefore an extension of herself. She wouldn’t think twice about just taking op’s Dd out- as she sees her as belonging to her and likely sees OP as inconsequential.

NataliaOsipova · 14/02/2019 09:49

Oh come on - this is utterly bizarre. Even taking the baby and the dog out of the equation, it’s still bizarre. I’m visiting you in your house. You pop upstairs and I immediately decide, without telling you, to go out of the house for a walk? That in itself is odd and rude; the natural thing to do would be to tell the other person that I was going out. Just so they’d know. But to take the baby is awful. OP could have been searching the house for them had she not seen them from out of the window. Totally out of order.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 14/02/2019 10:00

She took your handbag?

cathf · 14/02/2019 10:15

Another dil who regards 'her' baby as her own personal property and a means to be in charge and control everyone else.
I do wonder about these frothing threads with posters being livid and furious and outraged by what would be in most families a pretty ordinary and uneventful thing to do.
It must be exhausting creating such drama over nothing but the Op is clearly not alone, so if the answers are anything to go by.

joyfullittlehippo · 14/02/2019 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

punishmepunisher · 14/02/2019 10:45

My biggest issue here is that the poor dog could have legged it or been hit by a car!

What moron takes a dog that is not theirs out with no collar or lead? That would make me seriously question if she's responsible enough to take a baby out if she can't even take the necessary precautions with a dog.

Marcipex · 14/02/2019 10:46

I guess cathf is the granny.

Ghanagirl · 14/02/2019 10:46

@QuintadiMalago
Have you been drinking?

joyfullittlehippo · 14/02/2019 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/02/2019 11:02

God forbid a mother doesn't just produce babies to please her extended family.

burritofan · 14/02/2019 11:06

prods baby currently in my uterus, whispers, "you're not mine, you know. I shall deliver you straight into MIL's waiting hands. Or cathf's"

ShartGoblin · 14/02/2019 11:07

MIL lover here, my mother in law is lovely and kind so no anti MIL bias (so no threads about her on mumsnet).

She behaved very strangely, if she is otherwise a trustworthy woman I'd probably have a nice cup of tea and a chat and explain that, while you know she was probably being helpful and thought nothing of it, it's very scary to find your child has gone missing and you'd rather she let you know first. Don't go in accusatory, just explain how you felt and ask if she could help you with that. However misguided, "helpful" people respond better to you asking for help in the future than focusing on their unhelpfulness in the past.

Nat6999 · 14/02/2019 11:21

My ex SIL once took my DS aged 2 months when I had gone upstairs to the toilet. DH was downstairs with him, she took DS round to MIL house & didn't return him for over 4 hours. They had no bottles & he missed a feed, I was hysterical, I'd been having problems bonding due to a traumatic birth & PND, DH hadn't the balls to ring mil & ask for DS to be returned. We ended up having a massive argument & didn't talk for about 3 days afterwards, his family played a big part in why our marriage didn't last.

SandAndSea · 14/02/2019 12:01

I don't buy this whole "oh well your partner survived to adulthood so she can't be that bad" bollocks

^^ This.

Wedgiecar58 · 14/02/2019 13:50

Make it absolutely clear that this is not acceptable.

And next time she is round, consider locking the doors and keeping the keys on your person. I'm not kidding.

ScrambledSmegs · 14/02/2019 14:03

Yes, I think it's weird. I mean, surely it's normal to tell people when you're popping out, let alone when you're taking their handbag, dog and baby with you?

Is she ok? Is there a chance that it's a symptom of something else?

Cantbeattheeightiesmusic · 14/02/2019 15:00

This thread is nuts!

Has no one considered that the MIL might have actually shouted up the stairs that she was popping out, and went off presuming she'd been heard?

The OP hasn't said that the baby wasn't wrapped up with a coat/hat etc , so it's not as if MIL had completely lost the plot as many seem to be making out.
Yes she should've had the dog on a lead, but may be she thought it'd walk by her side behaving itself. As for the bag, it was likely already in the pram, so no big deal.

Posters are being so over dramatic.

Oceanbliss · 14/02/2019 15:23

Cantbeattheeightiesmusic
This thread is nuts!
Has no one considered that the MIL might have actually shouted up the stairs that she was popping out, and went off presuming she'd been heard?

If that is what happened than MIL would have explained that she had shouted out before leaving and said sorry if you didn't hear me I didn't intend to cause any anxiety. Then this thread would never have started.

Cantbeattheeightiesmusic · 14/02/2019 15:41

Ocean, may be she did explain on the phone to her son, but he might not have relayed that to the OP.
Besides, the OP said she heard the door shut and looked out the window to see MIL going down the street.
It's odd that the OP didn't either shout out the window or run out the house to MIL herself (if she was that concerned).

It's all very odd.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/02/2019 15:44

Just popping out with someone else's baby is nuts even if she called up the stairs. I don't get how anyone can rationalize this

RiverTam · 14/02/2019 15:49

That is utterly bizarre. She basically absconded with your baby, handbag and dog!

I'm not a GP/MIL hater at all and often find threads about GPs/MILs rather horrible and upsetting, but having read all your posts I would keep her at arms length or, as you say, always supervised.

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