DSF saying 4 month olds flirts

[LLOE7]

My DSF (step father) has said a few times to my 4 month old dd "look at you giving it the big eyes, you're flirting with me aren't you!" When she smiles at him. I've always ignored it as I know it's harmless but it's not sitting right with me. Today we went to the vets and my dd smiled at him to which he said to the receptionist "she's always flirting with me now" and then turned and said to dd "you shouldn't be flirting with ME- I'm your grandad!". This made me feel so uncomfortable and a bit embarrassed as the receptionist raised her eyebrow and gave an awkward smile. Is this just something that's said, or am I right in thinking it's a bit weird?
WIBU to tell him to stop?

That was abuse OP and I would not allow my children with them unsupervised if that was me. If they’ll do those sorts of things with you, god know what they’ll do with your children there. Even for just a few hours in the daytime. If your mum asks why, get her to read what you posted!!

I think I would call him out on it by saying "I know you dont mean to say this how it sounds, but the word flirting is making me uncomfortable, perhaps you meant she is charming you as a baby, not flirting"

Your update is shocking and I would want this man anywhere near my child and I would say why. A social worker would back you up

OP what you went through as a child was abusive and sexual in nature. Do not leave your child with them your mother made no effort to protect you from a very disturbing living situation and this man clearly sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. As a child your response was one of disgust because you had lived differently before and this may well have protected you from being touched. But your dd will consider his behaviour normal if she grows up with it which will leave her vulnerable.

Oh OP I'm so sorry you experienced what you did.

Please don't let your child be around these people unsupervised.

OP, your step father isn't just inappropriate, he's sexually abusive towards you. Exposing a child to sex in the ways that he did is way out of line.

Your mother didn't protect you from your step father, and she won't protect your child either. Don't let your child be with either of them unsupervised. You can't trust either of them, and you have to protect her now.

OP would it be worth calling the NSPCC to chat some of this through? You have been through a nasty experience and that will have ramifications on how you see things. I'm not saying your SF isn't sounding creepy, just that experts might be able to put this into proper context and tell you how much of a red flag it is/ isn't.

Oh, you poor thing. I'm so sorry for the things you've been through. I want to remind you that I'm the poster who said it was normal growing up for people to say babies flirt and are "sexy" but with no ill intent. So I don't say this this lightly, there is clearly ill intent from SF (let's get rid of the D he's not fucking dear - he's a shitbag!) he's abusive and your mother allowed it to happen.

I'd be cutting or reducing contact ASAP. I'd never allow unsupervised contact

I hope you're ok. This must be a lot to process

Bloody hell that’s some update. OP you’ve been conditioned to think that kind of behaviour is acceptable. It’s really not, it’s abuse. I hope you are able to keep your kids away from these people.

You poor thing OP, not only was your tosser step father massively inappropriate (and still is), your mother failed to protect you.

He obviously got aroused from involving your discomfort - the fact that he also coerced your mum into having loud sex when your friends were there was his way of metaphorically swinging his dick in your faces. I'm appalled at his and your mothers behaviour and applaud you for taking s stand.

I take it you know and trust this man?

Wtf

Say to him
"The fact that you are perceiving our baby smiling at you as flirting is sexism. A boy baby would smile and giggle at a family member in exactly the same way but you wouldn't call that flirting. You are only calling it flirting because she is a girl and you have a sexist attitude about girl's behaviour. If you can't put a lid on the sexism and think of her as fully human then you will not be a part of her life"

It’s a no to going any where near this man and as for your mother, her behaviour is even worse. Start as you mean to go on (stopping contact) because they certainly will continue to be who they are.

It’s hard for you to see the severity of their behaviour because it was your norm but it shouldn’t have been and it shouldn’t be your children’s either.

You’re a parent now, your responsibility is keeping your children safe and nurturing them, not appeasing supposed adults who can’t see past their own selfish abusive interests.

This is the perfect opportunity (with support) to tell your mother that you will not let her do to your kids what she did to you because unlike her, you will prioritise your children’s needs.

I hope you are ok op ?

I've never understood people that refer to children as "sexy" or "flirting". It's just odd and totally inappropriate to use such sexually loaded language to describe children. If anyone thinks I'm being unreasonable, look at the reason you look at such language. If it's OK to call a 1 year old "sexy", would it be appropriate when they're 5,8,11,13?
Parents do sexualise children and it's just unnecessary and quite creepy. It also conditions children from a very early age that they are rewarded or shown affection based purely on their physical appearance.

OP, I am so sorry for what you were exposed to as a child and the situation that your SF is putting you in. He does sound that he is a risk to both you and your children. You are not in the wrong for feeling this way. You are not over-reacting. Abuse takes many forms. I wish you and your children all the best OP.

We say it all the time at work. And parents do as well. Everyone knows it's not a sexual thing so I don't see the issue!

It's probably not meant in the creepy way it seems but yeah, weird! I'd be cringing every time she said it;

I came on to say I know someone who says this too, but with your update it’s genuinely inappropriate. Sorry you had to go through that OP. He sounds grim, and your mum should have been protecting you, not facilitating this.

I’m sorry you went through that OP - it was clear sexual abuse of a minor towards you from your stepfather, and your mother was complicit. Please reconsider exposing your child to them both, and don’t at any time ever leave your child unattended with either of them. I’m sorry too if that sounds harsh and hope you have someone in RL you can talk to.

@toddler

We say it all the time at work. And parents do as well. Everyone knows it's not a sexual thing so I don't see the issue!
Please read the thread.

This thread is so sad. OP, what you experienced as a teenager was abuse. I'm so sorry. It seems that you have minimised it as a way to cope or that you were conditioned to think it wasn't that bad. It really was.

I wonder if it would be useful for you to chat this through with a counsellor or perhaps the NSPCC as someone suggested.

In your situation I would seriously consider the contact your children have with your SF and your DM. Your SF is abusive and your mother has demonstrated that she wasn't able or willing to protect you. She would not protect your children either. I know you are probably reading these replies and are very upset. I am so sorry, none of this is your fault. Please seek out help if you need it. ❤️

Holy fuck

I’m so sorry, but what you went through was abusive. I’m so sorry, it’s quite possible that you’ve never considered it in this way before, but it really and truly is.

I honestly believe in my bones that you need to keep your kids away from this man. Even supervised, he is still inappropriate - fuck knows what could happen behind your back. Please, don’t ever leave them alone, even having your mum there to supervise - well, she didn’t protect you, did she? She’s not going to protect her dgc.

We say it all the time at work. And parents do as well. Everyone knows it's not a sexual thing so I don't see the issue!

Considering you haven’t bothered reading the thread, I imagine you have difficulty reading people, so it might be more of an issue than you realise. If you actually work with children, then that’s really inappropriate and unprofessional.

To be honest I am a bit shocked and don't know what to think, I always thought it was just them being selfish and my dsf being stubborn. I never considered the word 'abuse'. In adulthood we have a really great relationship, with my mum especially, I see her about twice a week. Her relationship with ds is so close. I don't have any childcare needs or issues as I am a sahm and my ds will be home Ed so he only goes to her house when he asks to go and play and I have something to do around the house so don't go with him, it's not often. My dd is only 4 months old so doesn't leave my side. My dm often comes over to my house alone to play with ds, so I think I will encourage that now instead of going to her house, my dm wouldn't think to question it. My dm is very much a walk over and her love for dsf clouds her judgement. She goes to work and also does everything around the house, my dsf doesn't even make himself a sandwich or a cup of tea, just waits for her to do it all. I feel she didn't stand up for me because she didn't want to deal with the confrontation with him, but even so why wouldn't you insist your husband wears pants to bed to stop the risk of him being exposed to your child? It was all odd and now I'm an adult it angers me that they made me feel like that as a child.