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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would this piss you off?

245 replies

Ellabella989 · 12/02/2019 18:44

I don’t know if I’m being unnecessarily insecure here so please tell me if I am.

My DP (been with him 2 years) is very close with his ex and her family. I don’t really have any issues with it she’s happily married and my DP has known them all a long time so I wouldn’t want to ever stop him seeing them.

He’s just let slip by mistake that he spent last Christmas with them all. He told me at the time that he was spending it just with his dad (they all live at the opposite end of the country so I didn’t go with my DP as wanted to be with my own family).

I’ve just asked him why he lied about it and he said he didn’t want to worry me at the time and then forget to tell me after Hmm.
I’ve never made him think that there’s an issue with him being friends with her so I don’t know why he would lie to me about.

Would this annoy you or should I just let it drop?

OP posts:
Mmmhmmm · 13/02/2019 12:30

The lying would make me think he still has feelings for her.

I wouldn't be moving in together either.

Ellapaella · 13/02/2019 12:30

However the fact that there are no kids involved make it all very strange. Totally out of order.

waffleblanket · 13/02/2019 12:38

He's way too involved with her. He would pick her over you, and that's not the kind of relationship you want. You should be first.

This would be a complete deal breaker for me. Game over.

I had an ex who was exactly like this funnily enough. He hid that their friendship was inappropriate and lacked boundaries, and lied about being with her all the time. He was also close to the mum and dad. It was twisted and weird and I was pissed off at my having my life weirdly entangled in theirs.

I'm very glad I ended it and walked away.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 12:38

My take on it is these men try to become the perfect son in law, they want to show how they fit into the family dynamic, are jovial, helpful, generous, etc, and want to spend as much time as they can with their love interest.

Having a girlfriend gives them an air of resoectabolity, they become trust worthy, not some creep hanging around doing the pick me dance, it's of course I just want to be your friend, I have a girlfriend don't I? The girlfriend is what gets them in the door, if he was single for an extended period it's doubtful the husband would tolerate this, and everyone would be suspicious as to his motives.

However at some point it unravels. Either the girlfriend gets too serious and might hinder him, or the guilt gets too great, or it becomes apparent what he is doing, like this, when the magnitude. Of the lies unravels.

If it's any consolation it's pretty much a given he is lying to her as well. Either about the seriousness of the relationship With you , about even asking you to come at Xmas, or why he wouldn't ask you, or call you on Xmas day.

woolduvet · 13/02/2019 12:43

That's so far over the line I doubt you'd be able to see it with binoculars!

He wanted to spend a special day with his ex, so lied to you and has deceived you ever since.

He put her first, I couldn't deal with that.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 12:49

When you speak to him, tell him you want to talk to her about Xmas day, that she should know that he lied to you and kept it his secret, they you were never invited, that you want her reassurance. I guarantee you he will fight tooth and nail against it if he really thinks you will tell her, after likely calling your bluff.

Because it will damage his relationship for good with her, and cause them all concern about what his true motives are here.

Anon10 · 13/02/2019 12:53

Please consider leaving this man. Not only is he untrustworthy, but he obviously is still so attached to a past relationship that he is intentionally opting out of spending very important occasions with you. I can’t imagine any woman I know being ok with this. The action itself is enough. Let alone the lie. It’s extremely bizarre. He must still have feelings of some sort for her. Who ended the relationship? Her or him?

Original poster
Ellabella989 · 13/02/2019 12:58

She ended it

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 13/02/2019 13:00

He would run back to her tomorrow if she clicked her fingers, and that’s just from reading this thread!

Surely you don’t think you’re only worth being a consolation prize, or second best?

Mookatron · 13/02/2019 13:00

Sorry Ellabella989 this must be very painful. Flowers.

Belenus · 13/02/2019 13:33

A few months ago he told me that she had invited us to go abroad with her, the husband and a few other people. I don’t have an issue with people remaining friends with ex’s but I think it’s too extreme to be doing things like spending Xmas together and going abroad together when kids aren’t involved

It sounds to me as if she wants the kind of friendships that you have in your university days when you do all hang out together in big groups and spend holidays together. He's using this as leverage - and I agree with Bluntness that he is using the friendship with the father as a way in. I strongly suspect he is lying to her in various ways.

I am sorry OP. You do deserve better than this.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/02/2019 13:44

he told me that she'd invited us to go abroad with her, the husband and a few others

Yes, and if you'd agreed to this, I guarantee he'd have found some reason it couldn't happen after all

As for Christmas, how sure are you that a) He spent time with his dad at all? b) That her mum and dad were present at their little get together? and c) That her husband would have any reason to find this acceptable?

Frankly I've rarely heard such a clear example of a partner being so thoroughly played. No matter what excuses he spouts - and BTW "I forgot to tell you" is just pathetic - you'd have to be mad to move in with someone like this

Kathulu · 13/02/2019 14:26

Playing Devils Advocate, you did say he had a crap relationship with his parents maybe it's the family he wants and when they were together that filled a need for him. So less about the ex-girlfriend and more about the support he felt whilst part of the family. Especially if they were inclusive and welcoming. They may now just be too nice to tell him to back of and forge new relationships.

Original poster
Ellabella989 · 13/02/2019 14:33

@kathulu that could well be the case as I know he gets along with them really well and enjoys their hospitality as they live in a nice home and are great cooks etc.
His dad is a bit miserable and his mum lives about 5000 miles away.
I just don’t get why he couldn’t just be open about it. I would have tried to be understanding. The lies make me worry that he hides other stuff from me too. I’ve been in relationships before where the trust was damaged and I hated always feeling paranoid and insecure

OP posts:
Kathulu · 13/02/2019 14:39

@Ellabella989 - that's your boundary then. The relationship with his ex doesn't necessarily worry you, too much, but the lying, him minimising your feelings and making out that you're somehow outside the norm for having perfectly normal feelings of insecurity caused by the lies. That's the issue.

Has he lost any other past relationships due to not being able to let go of his ex?

Original poster
Ellabella989 · 13/02/2019 14:41

He did mention that his last girlfriend had major issues with his friendship with his ex. Maybe that’s why he feels he has to hide it from me as she used to kick off about it all the time apparently.
He’s messaged me today to tell me he only loves me and I need to trust him.
My head is a mess!

OP posts:
RainbowWaffles · 13/02/2019 14:48

I need to trust him.

Why is it that it’s always men who lie insisting that you need to trust them rather than demonstrating that you can?!

IvanaPee · 13/02/2019 14:50

You don’t fucking NEED to trust him. How dare he?

You would trust him if he hadn’t lied. Repeatedly.

Plus, he has sabotaged another relationship already because of his ex? Come on!

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 13/02/2019 14:54

The only 'need' is for him to fuck off.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/02/2019 14:55

He actually said you NEED to trust him?

CF!!!

He needs to earn your trust.

He's sounding worse by the minute, OP. Sorry. Flowers

wireswireswires · 13/02/2019 14:58

No. He's broken your trust by lying.

Fucking ridiculous thing to say. You can't FORCE yourself to trust someone, you do or you don't.

And you don't, can't and won't when they've told you such a massive lie!

woolduvet · 13/02/2019 15:02

Trust is earned! Not blindly given to idiots who lie and deceive.

Kathulu · 13/02/2019 15:05

Loving someone doesn't stop them from lying, putting their own wants and needs before the person they loves metal or emotional well being. This where his commitment to you has to come before an attachment to others whether it's the ex or her family. As a couple you should be each others priorities.

He may feel very hard done by, as if you're interfering in a relationship you know nothing about but he's lost previous lovers because he can't let go. Lets be honest prioritising an ex relationship over a current isn't healthy. Maybe he needs to be single while he moves on. Maybe his ex isn't aware of the lies, maybe he's told her that he only wants to be friends but the big bad evil world doesn't believe him, (poor misunderstood lamb.)

Either way do you feel confident that he won't continue to lie, minimise his contact, lie to the ex and family and say you're crazy and controlling.

I've been where you are Ella, I wish you peace of mind and space to get clarity on what you want to happen next. Take care.

Nomorepies · 13/02/2019 15:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Blackbear10 · 13/02/2019 15:41

So logistically how is it going to go this Christmas when you live with him and I presume will spend your first Christmas together in your joint home? (if not this year at least at some point in your relationship)
Will he wake up to you in the morning, have breakfast, cuddles and pressies then announce ‘right I’m off to see the ex all day, enjoy your Christmas love’

You do know he clearly still has feelings for his Ex and is just waiting for her to either want an affair or to split with the husband.
You are convenient as a stop gap until she is free again.

Obviously he will be telling you how you’re the only one for him and he loves you more than anything. It’s classic!

You’re worth so much more than this! Don’t build your life with him knowing that he will ruin it all if his ex clicked her fingers.

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