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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would this piss you off?

245 replies

Ellabella989 · 12/02/2019 18:44

I don’t know if I’m being unnecessarily insecure here so please tell me if I am.

My DP (been with him 2 years) is very close with his ex and her family. I don’t really have any issues with it she’s happily married and my DP has known them all a long time so I wouldn’t want to ever stop him seeing them.

He’s just let slip by mistake that he spent last Christmas with them all. He told me at the time that he was spending it just with his dad (they all live at the opposite end of the country so I didn’t go with my DP as wanted to be with my own family).

I’ve just asked him why he lied about it and he said he didn’t want to worry me at the time and then forget to tell me after Hmm.
I’ve never made him think that there’s an issue with him being friends with her so I don’t know why he would lie to me about.

Would this annoy you or should I just let it drop?

OP posts:
Mookatron · 13/02/2019 11:09

I wonder if he would've cared if she'd hidden the fact he was there...

ChakiraChakra · 13/02/2019 11:10

I too, wonder what the hell the new husband thinks.. or indeed what the ex thinks! Is she being told he's all alone with nowhere else to go?

Together three years. Apart nine, her with a new bloke on the scene for the lat six, you on the scene for the last two. It's just mindblowingly WEIRD that he continues to spend Xmasses with her, both that she lets him (and/or wants him there) and that he wants to go there, including the choice to NOT want to spend it with you and/or or his dad.

And then he lies repeatedly to you about it because he knows it's weird - and he still does it!

Mindboggling. Just mindboggling the whole thing.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 11:12

which just makes me look more like the mental, insecure one

No it doesn't, because we have to presume the husband knows, that she speaks to him on the phone that day, that the husband spoke to his in-laws.

This isn't about the fact he was there Xmas day, it's about the elaborate lying to make sure you didn't know and couldn't join him.

Mookatron · 13/02/2019 11:13

And don't accept the mental, insecure label. No. This is not about him going to hers for Christmas, although you could have reasonably objected to that at the time had he given you the chance. This is about him lying about it, turning you into a 'mental girlfriend' in his head and trying to make You think like that too. He is being an utter, utter dick and treating you very badly. It doesn't matter how he paints that to other people.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 11:15

And you'd have to assume that if she lied to her husband about it, in such a prolonged and elaborate manner, urged her husband to go elsewhere, then refused to speak to him that day, that he too would have a significant problem with it.

I'd guess he played the I'm all alone card too to wangle an invite.

Original poster
Ellabella989 · 13/02/2019 11:21

I can just imagine what would have happened - he’s not particularly close to his dad so would have made out to his ex that he was going to be having a miserable Xmas with him. She would have then invited him over to spend the day with them (she’s a very sociable type of person) and he would have jumped at the chance!
I don’t get the impression she would have kept any of it from her husband. I wish DP would have just been upfront about it all. I might have been a bit Hmm about them spending Xmas together but I would have respected him for being totally open and honest with me about it all. The fact he has gone to such lengths to hide it all from me just makes me think he still has feelings for her

OP posts:
TwitterLovesMAPs · 13/02/2019 11:29

Who cares what the ex’s husband thinks of it all? He’s not the one being lied to is he. And anyway, you’re entitled to draw your own boundaries where you feel comfortable. Just because the husband is cool with it, doesn’t mean you have to be.

Fuck all that. I personally wouldn’t be able to forgive a lie like that. It’s pretty big. And if he can lie about that, what else can he, or is he lying about?

Kathulu · 13/02/2019 11:40

His ex may just have been sociable in inviting him over but that means there are two options either she knows he still has feelings for him and is getting a thrill from keeping him hanging around with false hope, or she finds it all a bit sad and pitiful and keeps him around because he's telling her lies too.

Anyway that's irrelevant because the main thing is his actions with you. He's lied to you, projected his feelings onto you and refused to support you when your dad was ill. He's not above gaslighting and manipulating you into making you feel like you're reacting incorrectly and that his behaviour is perfectly acceptable.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 11:47

The fact he has gone to such lengths to hide it all from me just makes me think he still has feelings for her

I don't think there is any other realistic conclusion you can draw. Particularly as it's important to him to do it again.,and the lengths he went to to make sure you didn't know and wouldn't come.

I suspect he's still in love with her and never got past her dumping him. As said, I had a boyrfriend who did this to me and my father, it went on for five years, from 16 to 21, he was three years older, so 19 to 24, until my father took him aside and said "look son, this has to stop now, she's never going to go out with you again," . That's wasn't for my sake, it was simply my dad was fed up with him coming round to spend the evening with him, although he felt he was a nice lad. The age difference made it weird and my dad knew the score. He said he felt awful doing it, but it had to be done.

He seemed to be under the impression that if he hung in there, was in my family home, at some point I'd go out with him again. It's probably why I'm so invested in this thread, I've been the female on the other side.

I , for my part, didn't pay it much attention, he'd come round when I was home, and say " but you can't be going out" and I'd be like, yeah I am,,and he's still be there when I got back,, I'd just go to bed.

But he did have girlfriends and I always felt pity for them. I recall going into a local bar, and he was on a date, and followed me into thr ladies and asked me to go out with him. Just left his date sitting there, watching him walking into the ladies. I can even remember the look on her face as we made eye contact when I came out the loo.

What is weird for me though, is he was in a relationship with a girl who he dumped to go out with me. He is now married to her. He treated her appallingly over the following years, but she just hung on in there. I can't even imagine how shit that must feel. To be in love with someone who is in love with someone else.

As said, it's probably why I'm so invested in this one and urging you strongly to take a very very big step back here, because there is too big a chance this is going to end up killing your self esteem

Santaclarita · 13/02/2019 11:47

I doubt the husband is cool with it. If he is, I'd be more thinking they have some kind of 3 way relationship.

Don't care about the 'cool' women on here who are friends with every ex they have and apparently spend loads of time with them, that's just wrong and weird. There's no reason for it, they don't have kids. If they had kids, yeah understandable, but not without. He is too attached to her and won't ever let her go.

If you haven't, dump him. He has no respect for you. The ex will always be most important.

joystir59 · 13/02/2019 11:47

It is interesting that this info cones out just before you are due to move into his house. See it as a gift from the angels and somewhere else to live. You are not this man's priority. You deserve honesty. Being in a relationship is about deepening trust and openness. Your partner wants to live his own separate life and will lie to you to do so. Is that what you want OP?

joystir59 · 13/02/2019 11:48

That should have read "see it as a gift from the angels and find somewhere else to live"

wireswireswires · 13/02/2019 11:50

This would absolutely be a relationship ender for me. What a huge lie!

And I'm married with a ds and one of my best friends is my ex boyfriend. I would NEVER lie to dh over something as important as that. Or actually want to spend it with him instead!

wireswireswires · 13/02/2019 11:54

If he thinks a lot that massive is no big deal he'll do it again. Do you want to live in fear of what he's lying to you about?

Original poster
Ellabella989 · 13/02/2019 11:59

A few months ago he told me that she had invited us to go abroad with her, the husband and a few other people. I don’t have an issue with people remaining friends with ex’s but I think it’s too extreme to be doing things like spending Xmas together and going abroad together when kids aren’t involved (regardless of whether me and the husband go to). I didn’t kick up a fuss but just said no thanks as would rather go abroad just me and him.
The more I think about it all the more weird I find their closeness.
I’m seeing him later so will be having an extremely definite conversation with him about boundaries. I’m also currently looking for rentals in my area

OP posts:
Kathulu · 13/02/2019 12:02

Good luck Ellabella!

MumW · 13/02/2019 12:02

apparnetly the husband doesn’t care at all hmm which just makes me look more like the mental, insecure one
But his wife isn't being deceitful and your DP is. Big difference.

I think I'd be delaying moving in as a minimum.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 13/02/2019 12:03

How can you trust she is even married?

Original poster
Ellabella989 · 13/02/2019 12:04

I’ve seen all their wedding photos and can see her social media where she’s always posting photos of them together and renovating their house

OP posts:
PompeyBez · 13/02/2019 12:07

I'm not one to comment normally, but this is so not ok that I had to!! I think it's fine to be friends with ex's and occasionally catch up etc, but to spend Christmas day together is Hmm I could understand if there were kids involved!! The fact that he has lied is the worst thing. What else has he lied about? What's going to happen next Christmas? Is he going to leave you at home and go to his ex's again. This would be a deal breaker for me, just because of the lies. Sorry OP, you must be so upset and confused right now!

outpinked · 13/02/2019 12:10

YANBU. Spent Christmas with his ex instead of his new partner, brilliant.

RainbowWaffles · 13/02/2019 12:12

He didn’t invite you to spend Xmas with him and spent it with ex her family instead. Not okay. He lied about, not okay.

I moved in with someone despite a similar red flag and I spent years feeling trapped and regretting it. Someone who lies is a liar sadly.

cinamogirl · 13/02/2019 12:15

I am so angry on your behalf OP! What a sneaky little rat! For the record, my ex was very close with my family, my Dad in particular (think previously working together/pub teams together etc) When we broke up they originally kept in touch. Throughout the years (6 years since we broke up) my ex and I have both moved on with our respective partners, had children and got married. My ex and my Dads relationship has understandably fizzled out because of this. Different priorities move people in different directions in life. It seems to me your DP still prioritises his ex and her family over you and your relationship. Sorry OP, I hope you are ok x

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2019 12:25

Yes he could well have feelings still for her, and if she broke up with her dh, I bet my bottom dollar, he would be there at the drop of a hat.

Ellapaella · 13/02/2019 12:26

How easily the lies slip off the tongue eh?... that's what would bother me more than the fact he spent Christmas with them.