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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this piss you off?

245 replies

Ellabella989 · 12/02/2019 18:44

I don’t know if I’m being unnecessarily insecure here so please tell me if I am.

My DP (been with him 2 years) is very close with his ex and her family. I don’t really have any issues with it she’s happily married and my DP has known them all a long time so I wouldn’t want to ever stop him seeing them.

He’s just let slip by mistake that he spent last Christmas with them all. He told me at the time that he was spending it just with his dad (they all live at the opposite end of the country so I didn’t go with my DP as wanted to be with my own family).

I’ve just asked him why he lied about it and he said he didn’t want to worry me at the time and then forget to tell me after Hmm.
I’ve never made him think that there’s an issue with him being friends with her so I don’t know why he would lie to me about.

Would this annoy you or should I just let it drop?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/02/2019 15:51

*The lies make me worry that he hides other stuff from me too

Very wise of you

I’ve been in relationships before where the trust was damaged and I hated always feeling paranoid and insecure

So why would you continue in another one the same? Especially when, instead of putting his hands up, he turns it back onto you by saying what you "need" to do?

You mentioned that he probably spent the previous Christmas with her too and didn't tell you about that either, so moving in with him now will simply persuade him he's got away with it ... and once that happens it'll soon become your fault for being "controlling"

Hanab · 13/02/2019 15:59

Lady,
In my himble opinion he is putting her ahead of you. No harm in being friendly but when he prefers to apend time with her rather than you especially on holidays, i feel he is disrespecting you & your relationship.
If there were kids involved I would say well he was spending time with them.
I could not tbh accept this. No matter how loving & kind he is to me every other time. Surely after 3odd years you become priority?
He in my opinion needs to distance himself from her. She is going to become a thorn in this relationship if ahe is not already.

Ps: xmas with her and her DP/DH not there would immediately have red flags flying high.

Hanab · 13/02/2019 16:00

I need to type slower .. apologies for spelling errors

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 16:13

I think where Kat is taking you is a much nicer place to be, it makes it excusable, he just a lost little boy who wants a family, it's not about her. And I can understand why you'd grab at that, it's so much more palatable.

But it's not feasible, the fact of the matter is it is about her. It's always been about her, it's destroyed precious relationships. Do you really believe he wants to be part of her family than he wishes to be part of yours? Are you ok with that?

And you know why he lied, it's simply staring you in the face. And has been repeated over and over on this thread, the level of deception he went to here is huge.

I'm sorry but if you beleife this is he is simply some lost little boy aching for a family, but your family isn't good enough, he wants to be part of her family instead, then you will get desperately hurt at some point going forward. 💐

SparkiePolastri · 13/02/2019 16:37

He’s messaged me today to tell me he only loves me and I need to trust him.

Come on Ella - you know this isn't how it works. Him saying this makes things worse, not better. Confused

He currently looks like a rabbit in headlights and is trying to be overly nice and apologetic

You realise this is not because he's worried he's going to lose you, but because he's worried his secret little carry on is in jeopardy.

Kathulu · 13/02/2019 16:49

Just to be clear blunt - I'm only thinking forward to the myriad of excuses he's going to use to twist Ellabellas perception of what's going on.

What I want is for her to be able to anticipate what he's likely to say that he thinks will allow him to continue lying and minimising his behaviourSmile

Kathulu · 13/02/2019 16:59

Sorry about the "just to be clear' looks and sounds like I'm being a dick Wink

Original poster
Ellabella989 · 13/02/2019 17:09

Thanks everyone. I’m going to take a bit of time away from this thread as it’s making my anxiety go through the roof seeing all of you say that he is using me and is still in love with her and might be cheating on me. I agree with everything you are all saying but I’m finding the whole situation very upsetting. I’m 99% certain I will have to break up with him over this as it’s already turned me into a paranoid wreck.
Thanks for all the advice everyone

OP posts:
NewFoneWhoDis · 13/02/2019 17:09

Just recently my family has been blown apart by someone and his married ex that he was just friends with. His wife had the same troubling concerns you did initially when she found out about the friendship but it was just innocent texts. Until he sent her a text that wasn't meant for her and was as far from innocent as could be - one that proved beyond a doubt that they were shagging.

She had tried to be trusting of the friendship. After all, she had male friends in her friendship group. As he had female ones. But this one ex she just felt uneasy about. Turns out she should have trusted her gut.

I hope you don't move in with him. He will only cause you grief.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 17:17

I'd be surprised if he was cheating on you with her op. But I do think he's clearly very hung up on her and that's what this is about. There is simply no reason for him to lie to this extent if this was innocent.. I don't think it's just he's some sad lonely man looking for a family. He may well wish to be part of her family, but it has to be about her.

That doesn't mean it's reciprocated in any way from her side.

However I'm also not sure how you can continue in the relationship knowing the extent of his deceit, and I'm positive he will end the relationship before he lets you tell her what he's been doing.

And no you don't need to trust him. Trust is earned, it's not something you demand when you've spent months lying to someone like this.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 17:20

And Kat yes He may well say that 😔

MumW · 13/02/2019 17:32

He’s messaged me today to tell me he only loves me and I need to trust him.
Then he needs to respect you by being open and honest and not lieing about/hiding things.

I think it's unlikely that he's cheating but he is obviously uncomfortable enough about his relationship and feelings towards her to want to lie/hide it's extent from you.
This is what would worry me, something feels a bit off and unhealthy and, in your position, I'd be wanting to step back and see what happens next. For instance, what is his reaction if you say you want to delay moving in together - is he able to understand that he has crossed a boundary and you need some space to consider this?

IvanaPee · 13/02/2019 17:34

I don’t think he’s cheating.

But I do think if he had a choice he’d be with her. Sorry Sad

cinnamon9 · 13/02/2019 17:42

pparnetly the husband doesn’t care at all  which just makes me look more like the mental, insecure one.

his last girlfriend used to kick off about it all the time apparently

ThanksPoor you OP. I hope you're ok.

Op- can you see how he is gaslighting you? Even his last girlfriend gets gaslighted!

He is not taking full responsibility for his actions- his ongoing deception- he is trying all he can to make you think it's YOU whose being unreasonable. But you are not.

I disagree with some pp's in that I don't think he planned to tell you and I think he was caught out. He is a liar and he has been caught. I wonder what lies / stories he has told his ex. I wonder if he told her or her DH that you weren't able to make it there for Christmas and omitted to tell them he hadn't invited you, or even told you.

RED FLAG that his previous gf "was kicking off about it".... hmmmm HmmHmmHmm. Please beware of this OP. It's happened before. It is not just you and don't let him gaslight you into thinking it is.

I know it's so incredibly hard when you realise you are going to have to break up with someone. Thanks I have been there a few times. Please please think about what your older self would say to you now. In ten years time, I bet you will be so glad you left this relationship and hopefully went on to have a healthy and amazing relationship with someone truly worthy of you. Please put yourself first here OP. The hassle, distress and upheaval of organising your stuff and some accommodation, and the heartache of splitting up are horrible but they WILL be temporary, and you WILL get to a place in the not too distant future where you thank your lucky stars he blurted that out while watching Masterchef.

Good luck OP, let us know how you get on X

MumW · 13/02/2019 18:01

Please please think about what your older self would say to you now
And what advice would you give your best friend if she was in your situation?

Belenus · 13/02/2019 18:02

Please put yourself first here OP. The hassle, distress and upheaval of organising your stuff and some accommodation, and the heartache of splitting up are horrible but they WILL be temporary, and you WILL get to a place in the not too distant future where you thank your lucky stars he blurted that out while watching Masterchef

This, OP. Give yourself a chance to find someone who puts you first. Don't invest time, love and energy in someone who lies to you.

SparkiePolastri · 13/02/2019 18:59

I agree with everyone else who says they doubt he's cheating.

But in all honesty - if I had to rank partner indiscretions - I'd put a zipless fuck considerably below the sort of emotional connection and devotion that extends to family members, and outlasts actual, real life girlfriends.

Both, obviously, are intolerable, but the latter is significantly worse.

Totally respect that you need a break from this thread. I don't think people are trying to make you feel worse or more anxious. Just very much confirming your gut reaction to this, and acknowledging you're right to feel this way.

Thanks
Greatdomestic1 · 13/02/2019 19:13

I'm sorry that your partner has lied to you op.

Do you think it is possible he has changed his mind about moving in together and him lying about Christmas is going to force your hand to put that on hold?

He's an accomplished liar and I'm not sure I believe be just let that slip.

Take some time and do what is best for you.

MidnightMystery · 13/02/2019 19:15

Perfect timing in my eyes do not move in with him he will break your heart.

Anon10 · 13/02/2019 20:10

Sorry you are going through this OP. Sad

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