Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this piss you off?

245 replies

Ellabella989 · 12/02/2019 18:44

I don’t know if I’m being unnecessarily insecure here so please tell me if I am.

My DP (been with him 2 years) is very close with his ex and her family. I don’t really have any issues with it she’s happily married and my DP has known them all a long time so I wouldn’t want to ever stop him seeing them.

He’s just let slip by mistake that he spent last Christmas with them all. He told me at the time that he was spending it just with his dad (they all live at the opposite end of the country so I didn’t go with my DP as wanted to be with my own family).

I’ve just asked him why he lied about it and he said he didn’t want to worry me at the time and then forget to tell me after Hmm.
I’ve never made him think that there’s an issue with him being friends with her so I don’t know why he would lie to me about.

Would this annoy you or should I just let it drop?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 13/02/2019 08:54

This isn't about what he did on Christmas Day. It's about the lies he happily tells you
It is about Christmas as well though. Christmas we wake up with and spend with our nearest and dearest. Which isn’t the op or his sick dad.

AstralTraveller · 13/02/2019 08:54

Fins somewhere fast or move in with him temporarily only. He is taking the fucking piss.

AstralTraveller · 13/02/2019 08:55

Find somewhere

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 08:58

Do you have family nearby you can stay with?

punishmepunisher · 13/02/2019 09:02

Fuck that OP. Game over.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2019 09:05

I would not be moving in, and would be looking for somewhere else independently. So if you move in together and have a family, he will bugger off at Christmas to spend time with them, over his partner and kids. Op open your eyes to him, do you want a life like that. His heart is not with you, or he would want to spend what is one of the most important days of the year with you. Wake up!

IncrediblySadToo · 13/02/2019 09:12

Find somewhere else now.

Depending on how sure you are you want to stay near where you are now for friends/family/work either find a six month lease, or storage & rent a room or stay with friends.

No matter what, you need to do this. You need to make this decision without the pressure and he needs to SEE that this IS a big deal.

I don’t think it was accidental at all. I think it was because you’re moving in very soon, he knows your lease is up, so this was a good opportunity to have told you when it was the most difficult time for you to kick up a fuss & before you moved in and then he could say ‘I’m going to Ex’s’ at Christmas and if you objected he’d say ‘I told you I was BEFORE you moved in. You can’t complain now’ type thing. He’s manipulating you...and yes, trying to make YOU look like the unhinged one.

He doesn’t care how you feel. He’s fine about lying to you.

Walk. Away.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/02/2019 09:18

Ouch what a kick in the guts.

Am sure he's telling the truth about there being nothing going on, but they lying about it for 2 YEARS? Dealbreaker. Sorry. I'm not surprised you're questioning what else he's lied about/hidden.

And as for leaving his Dad on his own all day Christmas Day? Selfish bastard. Why couldn't he have taken him with him at least?

Sorry, but I think you would be better off putting a stop to the whole moving in business right now. You don't have to make any decisions right now but find somewhere else short-term to rent then at least you can have a bit of headspace without the pressure of a 2-week clock ticking. Flowers

Figgygal · 13/02/2019 09:23

How long were they together and how long have they been apart ?

I get some exes staying close but him spending every Christmas with her and her family is just weird (especially with no kids together)

Original poster
Ellabella989 · 13/02/2019 09:25

They were together 3 years when he was at uni in his early to mid twenties. They have been apart for about 9 years now and she has been with her husband for about 6 years (married for 1)

OP posts:
Sleepsoon7 · 13/02/2019 09:49

I would prioritise finding somewhere to live that means keeping your independence. Even if you stay in a relationship with him (which I wouldn’t!) you will retain your self esteem and independence by not moving in with him and making it clear that his behaviour in lying to you is unacceptable. I think you realise this relationship is actually very different to what you thought it was and it is hard to come to terms with that. However whilst you are young and without children to consider then don’t Settle for something you know know is seriously flawed. If need be put your furniture etc in storage and rent a room somewhere convenient to work or friends (or become a house sitter) whilst you look for somewhere to stay more permanently.

Wedgiecar58 · 13/02/2019 09:56

He lied to you because he knows it's not OK.

How could it be unreasonable for you to be annoyed at a) the deceit or b) the fact he spent Christmas with his ex and her family ????

No offence but this doesn't sound like a normal relationship with respect and boundaries, certainly not on his part. I would cut your losses now. This man doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth or consider your feelings.

Don't you think the ex would have been so so smug when she asked him where you thought he was and he replied: "oh I told her I was spending Christmas with my family". They probably had a right old laugh about it at your expense!

Come on woman, exercise some self-respect and get rid. You can't trust this man and the foundation of a relationship is trust.

Original poster
Ellabella989 · 13/02/2019 10:06

He said that she had been asking for me to go too but he thought i’d Want to be with my dad so he didn’t bother to ask me. Erm ok then!
I’m taking on board all of your comments btw. I’m not going to just let this slide and move in pretending everything is hunky dory

OP posts:
Namechanger001 · 13/02/2019 10:15

Ellabella I think people can be friends after a relationship but that friendship has to change when new partners come onto the scene. It’s just inappropriate to suggest that the friendship can continue with including major holidays and life events still featuring both parties. It’s just bloody rude to think that he can continue to spend what should be a special time not with your significant other but instead their ex. I can’t believe he still thinks you should be okay with him popping off down there AGAIN next Christmas. It’s just bloody odd and selfish that you should just get used to it. He’s not really sorry- he’s just sorry you found out.

Butterymuffin · 13/02/2019 10:16

Prioritise finding somewhere to live for now as pp have said. That doesn't mean an inevitable end to the relationship (though I think this is difficult to get over) but it puts a marker down that you're not a pushover and won't accept being lied to. If you move in now, it shows him he can get away with putting you way down his list of priorities.

EatingElephantsIsCF · 13/02/2019 10:19

This would annoy me. I suppose you know where you stand now. Re-evaluate.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 10:31

He said that she had been asking for me to go too but he thought i’d Want to be with my dad so he didn’t bother to ask me

It's more than that though isn't, it. He lied to make sure you couldn't come with him. So he didn't want you there. He didn't even want to take the chance you might come. Did he lie to her too? Make out he'd asked you? Or that he didn't wish to spend Xmas with you? He didn't even phone you during the day, what does that tell them about his relationship with you? Nothing good.

Potentially he is being honest about her side of this, and that the issue is all him, he's hanging on in there and can't let her go and doesn't wish her to think you're important to him.

I strongly suspect if she chose not to be with her parents on Xmas day, he would not go. I also think him telling you was deliberate.

NunoGoncalves · 13/02/2019 10:36

The thing is, presumably you two discussed spending Christmas together? And he had a reason why you couldn't/shouldn't? But then secretly went to her house and told you he had seen a male friend but deliberately didn't tell you about her?

I'd never be able to trust someone like that again tbh. And without trust, the relationship would be over.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 10:44

Yes, its the deliberateness of it, lying in the weeks and months leading up to it. Knowing he was going and not telling you, lying to your face he was going to his dads, when he knew he was going to hers, the going and buying them presents, lying on the day, avoiding you, lying by text, coming back and lying to your face after it, it's literally months of lying,

And then the petty manipulation, how he would not stop you being friends with someone, because yes, thinking he should wish to spend Xmas with you is stopping him being her friend.

Original poster
Ellabella989 · 13/02/2019 10:45

Yes we discussed it and he said he would give me some space to be with my dad. On Xmas morning I spoke to him and he said he was with his dad and would pop out later to see a male friend he has down there. I then didn’t hear from him until I was going to sleep and he made no mention of the fact he had been with the ex and had dinner with her. I have also found out that they got each other gifts (just small things like chocs) but when he got home and was showing me everything he got he made no mention of her having bought him anything. He also made no mention that he has given her something too.
I don’t need to know every detail of his life but I don’t want to be kept in the dark about him spending so much quality time with his first love. I still feel absolutely livid and I had a terrible sleep thinking about it

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 10:57

Yes we discussed it and he said he would give me some space to be with my dad

When you contextualise that with the fact he went the previous year, and is planning to go again this year, was urged to ask you and refused to do so, then that's incredibly manipulative of him. Playing thr big guy when it suited him perfectly for you to go to your dads. I also would bet good money he didn't just turn up with chocolates op. And ignoring you throughout the day, not wanting to call you in front of them.

As said, this isn't a simple lie, it's literally months of it.

loobyloo1234 · 13/02/2019 10:58

If it was innocent he would have told you where he was OP. Don't let him gaslight you. You are armed with enough evidence to put the move on hold at least. Don't be a doormat

Mookatron · 13/02/2019 10:58

I'm not surprised you feel terrible. It's a breathtaking amount of dishonesty and he doesn't seem particularly apologetic either.

It's up to you of course, but I would not move in with this man. You know yourself you would not stop him having friends but he's trying to make it about that so he can avoid thinking about how he's sabotaged your relationship by lying.

Kathulu · 13/02/2019 11:00

I wonder what her husband thinks of this, he's away at Christmas and the ex boyfriend insinuates himself into the family for the day, playing happy families with his wife, his in-laws?

OP - For what it's worth, you have no kids, no property ties, (yet,) and he's lied to your face "because of how you'd react." (Which is a huge gaslighting red flag for you right there.) I'm not one for saying LTB but take your time, If you have to move in with him for financial or practical reasons don't feel like you have to accept his behaviour. His ex made her choice and it wasn't him. Why he feels the need to cling to her is something he has to work through and all you have to do is find out what you're willing to accept in terms of his behaviour within your relationship.

Original poster
Ellabella989 · 13/02/2019 11:05

@kathulu apparnetly the husband doesn’t care at all Hmm which just makes me look more like the mental, insecure one.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread