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Original poster

Would this piss you off?

245 replies

Ellabella989 · 12/02/2019 18:44

I don’t know if I’m being unnecessarily insecure here so please tell me if I am.

My DP (been with him 2 years) is very close with his ex and her family. I don’t really have any issues with it she’s happily married and my DP has known them all a long time so I wouldn’t want to ever stop him seeing them.

He’s just let slip by mistake that he spent last Christmas with them all. He told me at the time that he was spending it just with his dad (they all live at the opposite end of the country so I didn’t go with my DP as wanted to be with my own family).

I’ve just asked him why he lied about it and he said he didn’t want to worry me at the time and then forget to tell me after Hmm.
I’ve never made him think that there’s an issue with him being friends with her so I don’t know why he would lie to me about.

Would this annoy you or should I just let it drop?

OP posts:
Aa51761713 · 13/02/2019 07:19

hold up, you gotta remember that it was a year ago, I a 2 year relationship ship... which means that it was fairly new relationship at the time.... what was going through his mind a year ago... probably genuinely thought it was better not to say.

a year on, he knows you better, he knows himself better, he knows the relationship better... and would react completely different.

Qcng · 13/02/2019 07:27

Yeah, choosing to spend Xmas day ALONE with another woman...?
Thanks but no thanks. Something seriously dodgy going on here.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 07:27

This is very odd indeed, from him being best friends with the dad, to spendinging his Xmas there, why would they even want him.

And why are you not planning to spend this Xmas together, either with his parents or yours, or alone.

The whole thing is very strange indeed.

NabooThatsWho · 13/02/2019 07:33

I hope you realise you deserve better than this. I hope your standards are high enough that you leave this relationship.

He’s a liar and has no conscience.

DoctorDread · 13/02/2019 07:34

So sorry op. I went through similar with my now ex husband (as in repeated lying about things that should have been deal breakers for me) and wish I'd stuck to my guns and not moved in/got married etc. Only reason I can't regret it is because of my three kids but he caused me so much unhappiness and I never really trusted him.

Don't move in. At the very least, put that on hold.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 07:35

I'd be wondering if he drops hints about being alone to wangle and invite, and likes playing happy families with them,

The lying indicates he feels he has something to hide, which makes you question why he is doing it, what his motives are.

And why you're not invited, he clearly wouldn't like you there. I think this guy has some unresolved problems. I'd be very wary here. That's a very big lie.

IncrediblySadToo · 13/02/2019 07:36

Walk away

IF it had been the first Christmas and you’d only been together a VERY short time I MIGHT have given him a little leeway if nothing else had been lied about. Maybe. But this Christmas...no way.

The fact that he lied about where he was, irrespective of where that was, I’d dump him. Life is too short to be with someone who lies rather than deals with whatever the truth brings. You can’t trust them to be honest about anything. Then later you get a lot of ‘I didn’t really think/feel/want I just said yes because I didn’t want to upset you’ etc

Secondly, he didn’t WANT to spend Christmas with YOU. At all. No talk about compromising what time you spent where or anything. He just lied because he wanted to be with them more (irrespective of her being an ex) he wanted to be there more than with you. Without any discussion.

Third...his Ex who dumped him. It looks like she’s moved on and maybe he has too...but nope. I’d not be happy. ESPECIALLY after these lies.

Sassenach85 · 13/02/2019 07:45

I usually do my nosey and don't get involved in these threads .... but omg please have respect for yourself! This is end game for me 100%. Horrible and you will be devastated but you can't surely see this working? TBH I'm gobsmacked that you were okay with the extent of his "admitted" closeness before the whole Xmas lie!

Damntheman · 13/02/2019 07:56

You're not being overly sensitive about this. I don't think it's that odd to still be friends with an ex and their family. But LYING about it is so far from okay, it seems to me like he never intended to tell you.

I would be thinking long and hard too about our future. I would wait a year to move in I think, and only stay on the promise that xmas in future (including this year) is now spent with you and your family, or you and his dad - not the ex and her family. Boxing day is for visiting friends, xmas day is for family. If he won't agree to that then that will tell you what you need to know about his priorities. It isn't unreasonable at all of you to be upset by this.

SparkiePolastri · 13/02/2019 08:01

So, twice he's spent Christmas with her, and twice he's forgotten to tell you about it afterwards?

What a coincidence, the silly forgetful man! 🙄🙄

This isn't about what he did on Christmas Day. It's about the lies he happily tells you.

Please don't hang around and do the 'pick me' dance. You have more dignity than that.

If they're who he wants to be with, then they're who he wants to be with.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 08:04

I had a boyfriend who did this, tried to get close to my dad, would bring videos round and spend the evenings watching them with him, and it was simply a way to try to get back with me, would ask me out when I come back from college, eventually my father called a halt to it.

I strongly suspect the lying indicates this isn't about his friendship with the father, because if it was he would be open, he is simply trying to stay involved in case there is ever a chance to get back with her.

He is clearly not committed to you, or he would wish to be with you and your family, on Xmas, to support you, be with you. He's not doing that and he's lying through his teeth.

I do think you should not move in with him, there is clearly a major problem with this guy. Please don't be his second best.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2019 08:04

Wow and you are sure that he is going back there next Christmas, what if you are married and have kids, that certainly would not be happening on my watch. I expect he would not be happy if it was reversed, think very carefully about this man. It does not sound like his heart is with you.

RestingBitchFaced · 13/02/2019 08:07

Wow I would be furious! He obviously didn't 'forget' to tell you about it afterwards either, so that's another lie. He needs to distance himself from his ex and her family, and show you some respect. Don't move it with him yet either. He wants to have his cake and eat it

Star81 · 13/02/2019 08:09

When you spoke to him did he understand why you were surprised and shocked by his lies ?

IvanaPee · 13/02/2019 08:10

Don’t waste any more of your life on him. Seriously.

mathsquestions · 13/02/2019 08:17

LTB

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 08:17

He is clearly lying to you still though, inviting you to go too, who would do that and actually go. He doesn't want you there, if he did, he'd have been open about it last year and the year before. He's only invited you because now you know. Then lying he forgot to tell you. And you knowing he'd still be with her if she hadn't dumped him. Plus he's making it clear he's going back this year.

Would this piss you off?
NoParticularPattern · 13/02/2019 08:18

Oh man this is so weird. I mean I kind of get people still being friends with their ex, I can understand why they might spend Christmas together if they had young kids together etc, but to spend Christmas with her, without her husband, leave his dad at home on his own and lie to you about it is ridiculous. I don’t quite understand why she entertained it when she has apparently moved on, but it seems fairly clear that he’s got some serious feelings still for her. It wouldn’t exactly astound me if it turned out they were sleeping together sadly. Absolutely do not move in with him!

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 13/02/2019 08:23

Noone remains so friendly with their ex that they would rather spend Xmas with them than their new partner...unless they are a) still shagging or b) hanging around until they can be shagging again.

Don't move in. Tell him to fuck off and creep around his ex all he wants, he now has all the time in the world.

SparkiePolastri · 13/02/2019 08:24

Would love to know how he accidentally outed himself.

AND then made it quite clear he'll be going back there again this year.

Sleepsoon7 · 13/02/2019 08:31

When my now DH and I got together it didn’t occur to us to spend Christmas apart but the real red flag is the deception and lying. If this is happening so soon in your relationship then the future does not look happy for you as a couple. Even if it’s difficult / expensive/ awkward to change your plans I would definitely not move in with him in his house where you essentially have no rights or interest in the property and in all honesty can no longer trust him. I know it’s easy for us to say LTB but at the very least keep your independence and really assess whether you have any kind of future together. Have confidence in your own self worth.

Original poster
Ellabella989 · 13/02/2019 08:44

He slipped up when we were watching Masterchef and he said “oh that’s the dessert that ex made for us at Christmas”. I then questioned him about the fact he said he hadn’t seen her over Xmas and he eventually admitted that he spent from 12pm-12am with her and her parents. They all live about 20 mins from his dad’s house which is about 8 hours drive south of where he and I live.

I said to him that I was certain he wouldn’t want to spend future Xmas’s with my family as he clearly thinks they are boring in comparison. His response was that I shouldn’t mind him spending Xmas with them again in the future as they are all good friends and he would never stop me being friends with anyone.

He’s saying all the things like “I love you and only you” and “she’s just a friend and I don’t look at her at all in that way anymore and haven’t done for about 9 years”.
I get the feeling he’s just being manipulative though and trying to minimise and make me feel like I’m being mental.

I’m not responding to him at the moment as I need some serious breathing space to plan what I’m doing with regards to the bloody move. There is so many things to sort out if I don’t move in with him so I need to make sure I have a plan. My lease runs out the day I’m moving in with him and I can’t extend it as my landlord is selling. I would need to find somewhere else to rent quickly

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 08:44

It's interesting timing too. "Accidentally" lets it slip two days before you move in op, he will know it's going to cause you to have serious doubts, and if any sense, call a halt to this.

The fact you write he'd no doubt be with her if she hadn't dumped him is deeply concerning, and that you were tempted to let it drop in your op. Staying with him is going to kill your self esteem.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 08:47

His response was that I shouldn’t mind him spending Xmas with them again in the future as they are all good friends and he would never stop me being friends with anyone

Well he's laid his stall out op. And I think you know this is beyond abnormal. If he loved you he would wish to spend Xmas with you, where ever you are. He's making it clear to you shes his priority.

Singlenotsingle · 13/02/2019 08:51

So what's going to happen next Christmas? (If you stay with him, that is!) Obviously he can't get away with that lie again!

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