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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would this piss you off?

245 replies

Ellabella989 · 12/02/2019 18:44

I don’t know if I’m being unnecessarily insecure here so please tell me if I am.

My DP (been with him 2 years) is very close with his ex and her family. I don’t really have any issues with it she’s happily married and my DP has known them all a long time so I wouldn’t want to ever stop him seeing them.

He’s just let slip by mistake that he spent last Christmas with them all. He told me at the time that he was spending it just with his dad (they all live at the opposite end of the country so I didn’t go with my DP as wanted to be with my own family).

I’ve just asked him why he lied about it and he said he didn’t want to worry me at the time and then forget to tell me after Hmm.
I’ve never made him think that there’s an issue with him being friends with her so I don’t know why he would lie to me about.

Would this annoy you or should I just let it drop?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellabella989 · 12/02/2019 22:34

@blueslippersocks 2 years and I’m sure he’ll be going back there next Xmas. Feel so angry and refusing to talk to him until I’ve had some time to think

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 12/02/2019 22:35

It’s his home (owned) that I’m meant to be moving in to

No no no. Don't give up your own place and move into his house after this. You'd be making yourself so vulnerable.

cinnamon9 · 12/02/2019 22:38

Hang on a minute. The ex's husband was away for Christmas?? This is now sounding reeeeally dodgy OP. Why would her husband be away at Christmas?? Are they actually still married?

He was alone in the house with her...?

Have there been any other occasions when he might have seen her apart from Christmas?

I'm afraid on balance I think you should call it a day. Ultimately it comes down to the lies, but I would also be deeply suspicious there aren't more lies...
He owns the house so you have no logistical issues to deal with- it will be easy to not move in. Try and book a holiday somewhere and leave him behind. You don't deserve this.

MerryBerryCheesecake · 12/02/2019 22:53

Sorry, this is going to sound heartless.

You are likely a convenient shag/companion when he's bored while he waits for her husband to disappear from whence he came.

Move in with him and he will likely be looking for free housekeeping services too, that is until she wants him back.

His very odd behaviour would suggest to me he is playing the long game and still wants her and would drop you like a red hot stone if she gave him the nod.

BlueSlipperSocks · 12/02/2019 22:55

OP you invested 2 years of your life with this man. He thought nothing of spending Christmas with his ex when her partner was away. There can't be much to think about surely?

Poor you though. Finding that out must have been a shock 😣

DointItForTheKids · 12/02/2019 22:59

I'd have to agree with Blue. What an absolute shit this man is! What a bloody LIAR my God! He was there with her all day without anyone else there?!

And how horrible is he to have fucked his own dad off (as well as you) in order to go and see her.

Makes it v clearcut for me but appreciate it's an enormous shock for you OP. But he sounds completely untrustworthy and ungenuine and I'm sure you deserve much, much better than this.

CarolineForbes · 12/02/2019 23:14

Do you really want to spend life with a man you can’t trust? He’s lied so convincingly, clearly had no intention of telling you the truth and also is refusing to be straight about the Christmas before.
And as PPs said there’s being friends with your ex and there’s being so involved I would question if there are still feelings there. It’s crossing a boundary.
And what sort of person is so keen to spend Xmas with their ex that they leave their Dad all alone all day and night? That’s actually made me really sad!
He’s put her as more important to spend the day with than both his own partner and father. Clearly shows where is priorities are!

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 12/02/2019 23:18

He's a liar op. Don't entangle your life any further with his or you will regret it. Take it from those of us who know.

VioletPickles · 12/02/2019 23:29

I imagine you want to believe him and minimise it for the sake of the future you had planned with him, but really, will you ever forget this? Or forgive? I couldn’t. I’d be bloody furious, and even though it will hurt, he’d have to go. Sorry OP Wine

MarthasGinYard · 13/02/2019 00:02

After reading your updates Op I'd be furious TBH

He's such a liar

Premeditated and calculated

Scheming shite

I'm taking it this 'ex' lives near his dad hours away?

So he chose to spend Christmas with just her.

Nice

GabsAlot · 13/02/2019 00:10

lie upon lie andits all unravelling-he cant even remember it all

dont move in with him he clearly at least has feeling for this woman still maybe hoping she changeds her mind one day

you woldnt see him for dust

kateandme · 13/02/2019 04:23

is this going to be another lasagne gate thead where we all see it and say 2"RUN" and then a year later another thread that partner has cheated with his ex and now they are left in the shit.
thinking about it?why.on every level of a relationship he has disrespected you.

AwakeNow · 13/02/2019 04:37

Yes it would, and I would not want to be with somebody dishonest. You probably don't either.

TitsAndTomatoes · 13/02/2019 05:06

Im sorry this has happened to you OP.
But its painfully obvioud his plans were always to spend Xmas with his ex and his dad was an excuse.
Its shit because youve invested 2 years. However, you are in the best of positions to walk away if you dont have children or live together.
You deserve SO much better x

starshollow1 · 13/02/2019 05:09

I can't imagine how hurt you're feeling but please know your own worth here. If you move in with this man he will lie to you again. What else has he lied about that you don't know? I'm struggling to think what is worse, the original lies, the cover-up (which lasted years!), still being dishonest when he accidentally outed himself, leaving his dad alone at Xmas, leaving you with an unwell parent at Xmas, the fact he would rather spend such a family time away from you, or the fact all of this was done with an ex.

Any one of those would be a deal breaker for me.

I'm not saying all of this to be harsh, but it sounds like he is very good at minimising his actions. There is no discussion/justification that can fix a potential lifetime of feeling like someone's consolation prize. You deserve more than that OP Thanks

timeisnotaline · 13/02/2019 06:29

You should be with someone who wants to spend Christmas with you. And maybe he will meet someone and discover he wants to spend Christmas with them, but it’s not you. (Or maybe his ex will become available in which case he will break landspeed records getting back there). I was thinking it is a pretty bad set of lies then you said something about you know he’ll do the same thing next year and I thought that’s it then, what’s the point?

Tink2007 · 13/02/2019 06:33

His ex is happily married - was the ex’s husband at the Christmas get together as well?

sparklefarts · 13/02/2019 06:43

Wow. End game for me OP. I do not take being lied to

KeepCalm · 13/02/2019 07:00

No. Just no. Get that right in the bin.

I'd say it's perfect timing having not yet moved in with him!!

AlwaysCheddar · 13/02/2019 07:05

He dumped his own dad at Christmas.
He dumped you at Christmas.
Dump him for good!

Boysandbuses · 13/02/2019 07:11

This is a no brainer. Dump him.

Special occasions will revolve around her family.

I can not believe your dad has been ill and he chose to spend Christmas with his ex and her parents and bin off his own dad.

He is showing you, who is priority.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 13/02/2019 07:14

It’s totally bizarre (for many reasons) and YANBU

Why didn’t he spend it with you and your family if he doesn’t get on with his dad?

I would def not move in and would be mentally preparing to end the relationship (as hard as it is and as bad as that sounds)
This guy is showing you who he is - he didn’t “forget” or do this by accident.

If you do want to continue the relationship you need to discuss properly and as part of that I’d ask now what his plans are for next Christmas. Hint: he won’t say let’s hve Christmas in our home together darling

You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery.
I would run like the wind.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 13/02/2019 07:16

Don’t move in with this liar and probable cheat. He thinks nothing of being dishonest right to your face. That’s no good.

FilthyforFirth · 13/02/2019 07:17

Why would it be happening again this year?! Surely after 3 years together and living together (if you do) you would be spending it together?

icelollycraving · 13/02/2019 07:19

Yes, actually in a way it is great timing. You haven’t moved in yet. You aren’t tied to this man with a mortgage etc so you totally have the power to make a fresh start.
I’m guessing you are extremely hurt, pissed off and let down but so much better to know now than further down the line.
His priority is his ex and her dad. That’s a very odd dynamic. I wouldn’t want to share a partner with the one who got away. Don’t sell yourself short.