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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this piss you off?

245 replies

Ellabella989 · 12/02/2019 18:44

I don’t know if I’m being unnecessarily insecure here so please tell me if I am.

My DP (been with him 2 years) is very close with his ex and her family. I don’t really have any issues with it she’s happily married and my DP has known them all a long time so I wouldn’t want to ever stop him seeing them.

He’s just let slip by mistake that he spent last Christmas with them all. He told me at the time that he was spending it just with his dad (they all live at the opposite end of the country so I didn’t go with my DP as wanted to be with my own family).

I’ve just asked him why he lied about it and he said he didn’t want to worry me at the time and then forget to tell me after Hmm.
I’ve never made him think that there’s an issue with him being friends with her so I don’t know why he would lie to me about.

Would this annoy you or should I just let it drop?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellabella989 · 12/02/2019 19:08

This is such terrible timing as we are meant to be moving in together in 2 weeks time and up until an hour ago we have been really happy together.
I’m now feeling very insecure and tense wondering what else he keeps from me. My mind is going into overdrive right now

OP posts:
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 12/02/2019 19:08

He isn't trustworthy imo.
You can do better op.

IvanaPee · 12/02/2019 19:09

Lying is bad enough.

Wanting to spend Christmas with his ex and not you?

Nah, fuck that. Life is too short to waste on someone who A) can’t be trusted and B) prefers the company of another woman.

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 12/02/2019 19:10

I'd be wondering why he'd rather spend time with his ex and her family than you.

Imo there's a big difference between still being friendly with people and actually spending a pretty family centric time of year with them.

Add to that the lie and I'd be walking away personally.

dylanthedragon · 12/02/2019 19:12

The first lie about where he spend Christmas would seriously piss me off. The second lie about forgetting to tell me while looking like a rabbit in the headlights would be the end of the relationship.

And that's without even taking into account that he didn't want to spend time with you and support you at Christmas visiting an unwell parent.

Yougotdis · 12/02/2019 19:14

I’d ask him why he chose to spend the day with his ex rather than you or even his own dad.

Weathermonger · 12/02/2019 19:15

It honestly doesn't sound like he intended to tell you, spending Christmas with your ex isn't something you just "forget about". I would would seriously consider putting the moving in together plans on hold for now. He sounds totally untrustworthy. I'm sorry OP.

Original poster
Ellabella989 · 12/02/2019 19:16

@yougotdis his dad must have had to spend it alone which has really angered me too.
He probably things my family are really boring in comparison to hers but it’s no excuse to choose to be with them for Xmas

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 12/02/2019 19:18

So he left his dad alone, too. And left you alone dealing with a family illness.

What a Prince you have there. Hmm

Be grateful you haven’t already moved in.

Somethingsmellsnice · 12/02/2019 19:19

Don't move in together.

Drogosnextwife · 12/02/2019 19:20

You are welcome to go with him! What is it happening again this year then? I would be getting up to fuck. What a weird thing to do!

Crunchymum · 12/02/2019 19:20

The whole relationship sounds a bit bizarre.

I know people who have remained close to their ex in-laws but there have always been kids involved.

Strange that the ex has since married? So your DP spent Xmas with his Ex, her family and her new DH? Odd as fuck. Did he go to the wedding?

MitziK · 12/02/2019 19:20

The lying's the problem.

I wouldn't tolerate it - one lie caught out casts doubt upon everything he has ever said.

Perhaps you should consider delaying moving in together, as you've found out something you didn't know before - that he lies to you and is completely convincing when he does. It's up to you whether you can put it aside, but it won't be something you can do in that short period of time, you'd just be pushing it away until the next time he says he's going to x place to see y and then, you'd be constantly wondering what he was actually doing for the next couple of years until he forgets what lie he told you.

Original poster
Ellabella989 · 12/02/2019 19:22

@crunchymum he did go to the wedding and I was meant to go too (didn’t particularly want to as thought it was a bit weird but I said i’d go. I had food poisoning though so he had to go alone)

OP posts:
Yougotdis · 12/02/2019 19:22

I would cancel moving in with him for now. He’s deliberately lied and misled you not only that he’s neglected his father on Christmas Day. At least you were with your family. I would suggest if his ex’s family are more of a priority than his own or you then he should see if they want to adopt.

Yougotdis · 12/02/2019 19:23

Him. Lol posted too soon.

IvanaPee · 12/02/2019 19:23

He probably poisoned your food so you wouldn’t be in the way...

I jest...sort of...

NunoGoncalves · 12/02/2019 19:24

Had you spoken about spending Christmas together? And he said no because...?

Belenus · 12/02/2019 19:24

The lie would annoy me. Compounding it by lying about the lie would annoy me even more. Him wanting to spend Christmas with her and not his own father or your family would make me think he still had serious feelings for her that go beyond friendship.

I definitely wouldn't be moving in with him. Sorry OP. Only you can know if the relationship is worth saving and it's easier to say LTB when you're not the one doing it. But do consider your options, and make one of those options LTB.

trulybadlydeeply · 12/02/2019 19:25

Nothing wrong with keeping in touch with an ex and their family, particularly if the split has been amicable. However to spend Christmas day with them, leave his Dad on his own and to lie to you about it is appalling. I can't help but wonder how the ex's husband feels about this?

If he has lied to you about this then he will lie to you about other things. Don't move in with him yet, and tread very, very carefully.

Tistheseason17 · 12/02/2019 19:29

Choosing to spend Xmas with ex rather than you?
You deserve to be the no. 1 choice and possibly it's not with him.

finn1020 · 12/02/2019 19:29

Why would he want to spend time with his ex and her family, instead of you? I thought at first they must have young children and it was for their sake, but no. That’s sad and very hurtful. And he lied about his intention to spend the day with her, then lied again when he was discovered as there’s no way in hell he “forgot” to tell you. He didn’t plan on telling you. And he didn’t want to support you when you went to visit a sick parent.

I would be really concerned that he prefers her over you. And that he’s a liar, and also lies to try and cover other lies. And that if he had half a brain he knew he’d be doing something that would be upsetting and hurtful to you, but didn’t care anyway. He doesn’t take responsibility for his own choices either.

Is this the sort of relationship you want to be in? He is making choices that are showing you what type of man he is. Sorry OP, but better you work thru this for yourself now than in 10 years with kids to consider too.

Nunya · 12/02/2019 19:32

It's not just the Xmas day with the ex, or even the lie, but the type of person he has turned you into in his imagination that is hurtful

This! I would be really upset too! That would not be ok with me. Him telling you now that you can come/could come is all fine, but he didn’t tell you anything about it then and^ knew your dad had been unwell so you were going there?? He kept it to himself intentionally, I don’t buy that he just forgot to mention it afterwards. In fact you only know now because he slipped up. Of course he would be extremely fed up if the situation were reversed! Naturally now you’re going to wonder if there are other lies or omissions you’re going to find out later. I would have to ask him why he wanted to spend Christmas with his ex and her family instead of his own or yours? Definitely weird.

Hanab · 12/02/2019 19:35

🌷
Please delay moving in until you talk it through...

Awrite · 12/02/2019 19:37

Trust your instincts

He lied. His reason for lying is pretty insulting to you. He made an assumption about you, thus justifying his lie.

Not on.

Then there's spending the day with his ex when they don't have children. Then there's leaving his Dad on his own.