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Original poster

Would this piss you off?

245 replies

Ellabella989 · 12/02/2019 18:44

I don’t know if I’m being unnecessarily insecure here so please tell me if I am.

My DP (been with him 2 years) is very close with his ex and her family. I don’t really have any issues with it she’s happily married and my DP has known them all a long time so I wouldn’t want to ever stop him seeing them.

He’s just let slip by mistake that he spent last Christmas with them all. He told me at the time that he was spending it just with his dad (they all live at the opposite end of the country so I didn’t go with my DP as wanted to be with my own family).

I’ve just asked him why he lied about it and he said he didn’t want to worry me at the time and then forget to tell me after Hmm.
I’ve never made him think that there’s an issue with him being friends with her so I don’t know why he would lie to me about.

Would this annoy you or should I just let it drop?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 12/02/2019 20:19

he didn’t want me to think it was weird that he was with her on Xmas day

But it Is weird. And he knows it which is why he lied. And it was a lie that made her more important to him than you. I would not be moving in. Imagine this coming Christmas when he either goes there again, or you're thinking 'is he only here because there's no excuse not to be now we're living together?'

Hawkinsfirefly99 · 12/02/2019 20:21

The whole set up is quite frankly, weird.

Walkway.

Margot33 · 12/02/2019 20:22

Telling lies is a big red flag to me. Please don't move in with him.

minababelina · 12/02/2019 20:23

Are you completely in love in him? Is he amazing in many ways? Or is it normal for him to unintentionally behave irrationally like that? If it is, I suppose you could forgive him, but then again why continue a relationship with someone like that? Also, my experience says that someone who lies about something like this, could do it again. And again! Imagine this woman's husband having your boyfriend over for Christmas! Have you asked if the husband was there? Do you know if she was the one who left your partner? Could it be that he never got over that? Good luck, but be careful not to waste your time with someone who does not seem to be on your moral league!

Hawkinsfirefly99 · 12/02/2019 20:24

Would he still be spending Christmas there if you two got married or had kids of your own? It stinks op. You can do better.

MiGi777 · 12/02/2019 20:29

That is an absolutely huge lie to tell. That will change how you feel about him because you'll never be quite sure he's telling you the truth from now on. I feel for you on this especially after two years together.

LanaorAna2 · 12/02/2019 20:34

That lie's a whopper. Don't move in with him. Who's down for paying the rent by the way?

lucy101101 · 12/02/2019 20:39

I wonder if he told you now (whether consciously or subconsciously) because he is getting cold feet about moving in together? I think you need to think very carefully if that is something you actually want to do at this point...

Mybelle · 12/02/2019 20:42

So when you saw him after Christmas did you not ask how each other’s Christmases were, did you ask how his Dad was? Because if you did and he (obviously) didn’t mention spending it with an ex then it was an intentional cover up. Speaking about Christmas afterwards would have surely jogged his memory and that was his chance to be honest.

Lovingbenidorm · 12/02/2019 20:42

Sorry but I’d have no going back on this one.
He lied about something huge.
He didn’t forget to tell you, he’s just shitting himself because he’s been caught out.
I would lose all respect and trust

Charley50 · 12/02/2019 21:00

That's a hell of a lie.

Mummylife2018 · 12/02/2019 21:00

PLEASE DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS MAN!!!!

kateandme · 12/02/2019 21:03

im really sorry op.this is shit for you.
fucking hell,i at least thought he went to be with his dad and they happened to be there.but this.wow!
do you have someone to support you in rl right now.dont let this go swingin round yor head driving you crazy on ur own.u need a big hug I think.xx

DointItForTheKids · 12/02/2019 21:18

He absolutely always intended to go to her for Xmas and to not tell you ever. That means the making of arrangements and communications to that effect between him and her which he deliberately kept secret from you #1. He clearly always definitely wanted and intended to go but has pretended otherwise #2. Then the act of going and lying by omission for ALL this time but let's be fair and just count that as one lie, #3. Then he went there on whatever day he set off still maintaining he was going to one place when he knew full well he was going to another, #4. Then when you asked him he made up a fake reason why he didn't tell you - that he didn't want you to think it was weird (it is) #5 and that he simply 'forgot', #6. And the he spent it with his dad (which is a KICKER because it was supposedly because his dad was on his own/ill - sob story layer to help with you greenlighting it and I imagine ditto resistance to your wish to spend Xmas with your dad, #7!.

This is a fully planned act of deception, lying, and lying by omission kept quiet and secret for months and months, deliberately. Followed immediately when he slipped up and let the cat out the bag, with a load of BS and immediately grovelling (due to guilt) and almost gaslighting you by switching to how you could have come to the wedding and all that jazz to re-direct you to how 'reasonable' he is so you stop questioning him.

I'd not be moving in with this man, I'd probably not be remaining with this man either.

liitlepenguin · 12/02/2019 21:22

You can do much better

Why did they split up ? Sounds like he still holds a torch for her

Trust me you shouldn't be second best to anyone

Original poster
Ellabella989 · 12/02/2019 21:36

Sorry had to go out for a bit so only reading all your responses now. I’ll try answer all the questions:

  1. It’s his home (owned) that I’m meant to be moving in to.
  1. He’s best friends with the ex’s dad (which is a bit weird in itself as there’s such a big age gap between them). He’s still very close to the ex too and they talk a lot and always meet up whenever he’s down there.
  1. She split up with him about 10 years ago. I’m sure he would still be with her otherwise seeing as he gets on so well with them all.
  1. He said he spent a couple of hours in the morning with his dad and then buggered off to the ex’s house to spend the rest of the day with her and her mum and dad.
  1. Her husband wasn’t there for Xmas as he was working away.
  1. I asked him if he also spent the year before with them and he’s not giving me a straight answer so he clearly did!
  1. I remember asking him how his Christmas was going and he messaged me back to say he was with his dad and having a nice day. He then went quiet for about 12 hours and I didn’t hear a peep from him until midnight when he messaged again to say he had nipped out to see a friend (a male friend of his). Absolutely no mention of having been at the ex’s house.
I genuinely don’t ever make any sort of fuss about him spending time with her or her family so I find it very concerning that he would think he has to hide it from me and be so convincing about it
OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2019 21:49

My goidness he sounds very shady, definitely do not move in with him. Why is he lying to you, if there is nothing going on. It would make me so uncomfortable that he is still so friendly with his ex and family.

Brightburn · 12/02/2019 21:49

Why are you still giving him the time of day?

pallisers · 12/02/2019 21:58

Don't move in. You don't have to rush any other decision but please don't move in with him.

At the very least you have to deal with the fact that he lied to you - he knew what he was doing when he didn't tell you he was going to his exes for xmas (and who the fuck does that anyway - very very weird).

She is clearly the one that got away for him. Or he is in love with her dad. Or he is a weirdo who has no boundaries or understanding of human nature. who knows? But what he isn't showing is that he is the man who thinks he is the luckiest guy in the world to be with you.

GabriellaMontez · 12/02/2019 22:02

I'd struggle to trust him again. Wonder if he'd be doing that if you had kids.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/02/2019 22:23

Does the ex’s husband definitely exist? You’ve seem their wedding photos?

It all sounds extremely odd, and no, I have enough self-esteem that I wouldn’t tolerate any of that shit, as every other poster has said

MadeForThis · 12/02/2019 22:29

He's a liar. And a bad one.

Get rid.

Original poster
Ellabella989 · 12/02/2019 22:30

Husband definitely exists as seen lots of photos of them on social media including their wedding pics.
Looks like I’ve got a lot of thinking to do over the next day or two

OP posts:
iamkahleesi · 12/02/2019 22:31

I'm sorry OP. You deserve better than to be so disrespected by the person who is supposed to love you. He lied because he knew he was wrong.

BlueSlipperSocks · 12/02/2019 22:32

How long have you been in a relationship with this snake? What are his plans for next Christmas?

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