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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send meals home with DSC

259 replies

user1471499145 · 11/02/2019 21:55

DPs DCs stay EOW. He sees them twice every week as well.
Their DM lives with her partner. She has high earning job but doesn’t return home until 7pm ish. The DCs are 15 & 18.
DP has asked if I can send them home with a meal that can be frozen/re heated on the weekends they are with us because they are fed up with their meals.
I have done so far but this weekend I spent 6 hours cooking. I’m knackered.
& I’m feeding his ex - she sent a thank you for her dinner tonight !
I want someone to cook me dinner!

OP posts:
pantyclaws · 11/02/2019 23:50

Argh I remember the Lasagne story too.

OP you're worth more than this x

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/02/2019 23:52

I feel penny pinching to say this, but purely from a financial viewpoint - even if you oblige them by cooking double dinners at the weekend so that they can take them home. Their demands are gourmet by the sound of it and you are having to spend time shopping, cooking and paying for the extra ingredients to send them home with this lovely fare - like a catering company. Surely the DM should be paying for the food they eat in her home, not having you provide it for her and them.
And your DP doesn't see that this is taking advantage. He is using your skills as a gift to placate them all.
Its not right and you should be able to say no without them making you feel guilty - like you have to earn your place in the family or something. 15 and 18 year olds will get away with anything they can, but if they meet a firm no, they will start pestering their DM for Dominos and that is how it should be. Sorry you are going through this. YANBU

bellie710 · 11/02/2019 23:53

Well I think it is lovely that you are all getting on well and not bashing each other :)

IamaBluebird · 12/02/2019 00:00

If you were in such a long marriage from such a young age, you really do not have to be trying to navigate through this new relationship.
Why not just have some time alone . It sounds like it would be more fun than living with this idiot who treats you so badly. Good luck op, I'd just leave and cook lovely meals for yourself.

Original poster
user1471499145 · 12/02/2019 00:11

All I wanted to do was to ensure the DSC were happy & settled.
This unfortunately has come at a cost to my self.
All I ever needed was to win the lottery.
I still wouldn’t have bailed on them.
30 years of being conditioned makes me a doer. I am drawing a line at being a doer for an ex.
If I’ve 1 lesson in my life it’s - be financially independent. Don’t wake up like I do every morning dreading the day.
Thing is - I’m really, really clever.
I took the wrong path. I supported for too many years.
I lost my voice
I just need to find it

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 12/02/2019 00:15

Their father can do it if he wishes, or they can themselves. Cheeky sods

SpamChaudFroid · 12/02/2019 00:43

OP please make them one last pie!

Grumpelstilskin · 12/02/2019 01:09

Oh fecking hell OP, I remember the Lasagne and was so pleased that you went on your own holiday and sounded empowered. Now I see that this did not last. Please find your backbone. -And put laxative in the little shits' meal-

MrsTerryPratcett · 12/02/2019 01:17

I lost my voice

You don't even sound properly angry on HERE... Anonymously online.

Get really mad. Really really pissed off. Just here if you need to. All these people are treating you like shit. And you're a nice person.

CantStopMeNow · 12/02/2019 01:24

30 years of being conditioned makes me a doer
One second of awareness that you've been conditioned to be a do-er is enough.
From the moment you realised this you have had the power to change your conditioning, to de-bug your programme.
You haven't done this, instead you've happily let that old programme run.

Either you enjoy being a martyr and the attention that goes with being a victim of abuse - or you don't.
Whichever it is at least be honest with yourself about it.

Springwalk · 12/02/2019 01:33

People are taking full advantage of you. Start investing some time on your own life/work/hobbies you will feel all the better for it.
Can’t believe ex sent you a thank you msg bloody cheek!!

What are you mother bloody Theresa! Tell them all where to go!

Uggywuggy · 12/02/2019 01:43

You need to be a ‘doer’ in a different way...

Do start teaching those boys how to be independent (eg. cooking, washing, like you do with your own boys).

Do start teaching your DP to step up to the plate more as a parent and as a partner (what does he do for you?? You are doing so much for him and his offspring, does he reciprocate in his own way??)

Do start putting yourself first occasionally (like the Croatia trip - that was inspiring how you changed from being a door mat to an independent woman!)

DO STOP ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE TREATED LIKE SERVANT!!!!!
From this thread and the Croatia one, that’s what comes through loud and clear, that they see you as a cook and a cleaner. Nice. If they want a fancy meal, let them make it, or else they eat what they’re given. They’ll soon get over they’re ‘refined tastes’ when they’re staying there. And if DP has an issue with you not cooking the fancy meals, don’t argue, just give him the recipes and see how he goes. He’ll soon appreciate how much you’ve been doing!!

Cooking meals that the ex then eats??? Hell no.

Time to woman up and start saying no.

And as for the wagyu beef thread, god almighty!!!

Uggywuggy · 12/02/2019 01:44

*their

agnurse · 12/02/2019 05:47

The kids are at their mother's home. SHE needs to provide for their needs while they're there.

On top of that, I agree that they should be able to cook. By the time I was about 10 or 11 I'd been taught to make a salad, throw some fish and chips in the oven, make hot dogs and mac 'n' cheese, boil pierogies, and boil sausage. (Mum had me start dinner once a week as my sister had piano lessons and my brothers had Scouting that evening.) It's not rocket science. Not to mention she could just buy this thing called a SLOW COOKER and you just brown the meat (if that), chuck everything in the pot, and it COOKS ITSELF.

MordredsOrrery · 12/02/2019 06:21

Oh OP, your self-esteem sounds rock bottom. Flowers for you because you sound like a worn down saint in these threads. Other posters have good advice on how to change the worn down bit.

Rockmysocks · 12/02/2019 06:23

Sorry op, the expression 'shit or get off the pot' comes to mind. Stop complaining and do something about your situation.

recrudescence · 12/02/2019 06:44

Really feel for you - I hope you can find a better life than this.

eddielizzard · 12/02/2019 06:48

You need to get ANGRY.

ivykaty44 · 12/02/2019 06:54

Could you pop round and clean the ex’s house whilst she’s working late?

7yo7yo · 12/02/2019 06:59

I remember your last thread.
I honestly thought you’d leave!
Please leave op, they are fucking horrid the lot of them. And they aren’t your stepkids, they are your partners kids.

BrexitIsComing · 12/02/2019 07:15

I really thought you'd leave when I read the last thread. You need to find your self esteem. Stop letting them use you as a doormat.

Mokepon · 12/02/2019 07:22

Oh. I flicked throught this thread and saw lasagne gate, I'm shocked. I remember you, and I'm going to join the chorus.

RUN.AWAY!!!

You sound like a lovely, caring person who has lots to offer. But you deserve something better in return.

And when you tell him to leave you absolutely can tell him and his children they are spoiled and entitled, it isn't as if it's not true!

Good luck, OP. Do yourself the biggest favour of your life xx

ApolloandDaphne · 12/02/2019 07:29

You are better than this OP. Find your voice and use it.

punishmepunisher · 12/02/2019 07:46

Argh! I remember your last thread!

You need a hug and a slap. Tell your DP he's a cheeky cheeky cunt and to go hire himself a housekeeper. Fucking hell.

MakeItAmazing · 12/02/2019 07:57

I can't believe you're still with him. It's time to get some self respect and get The fuck out.