Page 9 | AIBU to think clothes can be distracting?

angelicaorchnid · 2019-02-11T20:50:48+00:00

My dd is taking some extra GCSEs she can't take at school at another school in May, She received a letter with information about where to go on the days etc. In it they say to make sure they wear not 'outrageous' clothing. Because their boys are normal and get distracted easily (it's a boys school). Dd thinks this isn't right, and 'girls bodies shouldn't be seen as objects of distraction for boys', I don't agree, I think it's reasonable for them to stipulate what to wear. Dd says she agrees but they could've done it without saying they were distracting, and boys should be able to control themselves. AIBU? i'm not sure if i'm just old school and not with what's appropriate now!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/02/2019 19:13

Thank you @CountFosco.

ForalltheSaints · 12/02/2019 19:14

Perfectly reasonable to ask for modest clothing, but because it is an exam not a fashion parade. Nothing to do with boys allegedly being unable to control themselves, which in my opinion the school should not have said.

Jaxhog · 12/02/2019 19:19

She received a letter with information about where to go on the days etc. In it they say to make sure they wear not 'outrageous' clothing. Because their boys are normal and get distracted easily (it's a boys school).

I sort of get where they are coming from. Boys in boys only school can get a bit over excited at the sight of girls! But I can't imagine this would last for more than a minute or two and certainly wouldn't seriously deistract them in an exam. They may also be worried about girls being disturbed by some teenage boy leering. Although I do wonder what they think the girls might wear that would be so distracting?

But your DD is right in that it is one sided by implying that the boys can't control themselves, and need girls to wear sombre clothing. At least they aren't asking for girls to wear a black Abaya (yet).

CountFosco · 12/02/2019 19:24

Perfectly reasonable to ask for modest clothing, but because it is an exam not a fashion parade

No. It is perfectly reasonable to have a dress code (smart casual, business smart etc), it is not reasonable to tell girls to dress 'modestly'.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/02/2019 19:28

What about a girl who suddenly gets her period, experiences flooding or has crippling pains?

Not made more or less likely by what her opposite sex classmates wear

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/02/2019 19:31

The school could have achieved the same result by saying “All pupils are reminded that the dress code for the exams is smart clothes, suitable for the office”. If they felt the need to be more specific, they could add - “no shorts, vest/strappy tops, no exposed midriffs.”

WolefGenius has cracked it.

I agree that the above would be much better wording.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/02/2019 19:39

there speaks a person who has never had their period leak onto their white jeans. During an exam, I might add. I found it distracting

YOUR OWN white jeans, naive - it wasn't someone else's choice of clothes that led to you being maximally embarrassed and distracted.

I have started my period unexpectedly, and yes, it has been bloody (sic) embarrassing, but I'd never have worn white jeans if I was on. It sounds as though you were on your period but your protection wasn't adequate for your heavy flow. You really wore white? Had you not the slightest bit of common sense?

If I've misunderstood (your wording is ambiguous), I do feel more sympathetic towards you - but again - it was your own clothing choice which case your problem - not someone else's.

AND - I would think that your predicament wasn't just distracting for you.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/02/2019 19:42

Although I do wonder what they think the girls might wear that would be so distracting?

Perhaps there has been some ridiculously inappropriate clothing worn during previous exam sessions Jaxhog.

ChesterGreySideboard · 12/02/2019 20:10

Not made more or less likely by what her opposite sex classmates wear

I didn’t bring up girls having problematic periods in response to what others, or they, wear but in response to the idea that boys are governed by their hormones which may cause embarrassing things to happen and girls aren’t.

Decormad38 · 12/02/2019 20:12

AIBU to get annoyed when my dh whistles constantly! He almost doesn’t know when he is doing it. He seems to be totally oblivious to the time of day. So in the evening he will be whistling at the top of his lungs and I’m really tired as I’m not a night owl and he is and I just want to scream! AIBU?

Decormad38 · 12/02/2019 20:13

Oh god posted in wrong bit sorry!

Tavannach · 12/02/2019 20:44

Please be comfortable without being 'outrageous':; Okay
ladies cringeworthy.
please wear something modest Fine. Is a burka okay?
as our boys are only normal, and distract easily.' So despite an expensive and presumably thorough education, unable to focus on an exam they'll have been drilled in for two years if they can catch a glimpse of female flesh.
Do they not have internet access? Girlfriends? TVs?
I imagine the boys wouldn't notice or care. It's the writer who has problems.

blueshoes · 12/02/2019 21:49

I agree with melj1213 about the dynamic at single sex schools (and when they come together) and the fact that external candidates are allowed to take their exams on the premises as a privilege and not a right. The letter is clumsily worded but I agree with the sentiment that external candidates should not distract the boys who attend the school because the school's duty of care is to those boys.

MiniMum97 · 12/02/2019 23:55

The class was things like sewing a button on, cooking a simple meal, that type of thing - the jobs their mothers did and obviously their wives would do once married. The class was for the bit in between 😉

I know I was incredulous when he told me!

@Magenta82

@ChesterGreySideboard

araiwa · 13/02/2019 04:14

The fact theyve changed the wording from last year suggests to me that they had a problem with girls coming in wearing inappropriate clothing last year. So they have been more direct in their language and the fact it mentions 'ladies' is because it was only them that came in wearing inappropriate clothes. Im sure if some boys had come in only wearing speedos and flip flops, they would mention it. But they didnt, so they didnt

RiverTam · 13/02/2019 08:00

Then they should have spent the intervening year instructing their pupils on how a girl's clothing is not something for them to get distracted by, and a few other useful life lessons while they were at it. Instead of lobbing this over for the girls to sort out.

This is from exactly, exactly, the same kind of thinking as 'she asked for it, she was wearing a short skirt'. Exactly. Rape apologists in the making.

angieloumc · 13/02/2019 08:17

Absolutely ridiculous. Boys should be able to control themselves whatever a girl wears. When my DD was in year 8 there was a science trip to Holland in July. In the parents meeting a teacher actually said 'No denim shorts for girls as it's distracting for the boys'! I was livid. As it happened most girls did wear denim shorts, mine included.

RiverTam · 13/02/2019 08:49

what I also hate about this (have been brooding on the way into work) is that girls are expected to shop for their clothing in some kind of vacuum, completely ignoring what the shops are full of. Control yourself, girls - step away from the crop tops, a boy might get 'distracted'! Funny how girls are expected to control themselves but boys not.

It occurred to me that whenever DD's school (primary, non-uniform, and certainly as far as DD and he pals are concerned, clothes are by and large a T shirt and leggings) clamp down on clothing it is always items that girls are more likely to wear - because that's what's in the shops. Always.

Bluelady · 13/02/2019 09:44

However badly worded the letter - and it's atrocious - surely it's just commonsense to wear appropriate clothing. Surely anyone with half a brain would realise that vest or crop tops or shorts aren't suitable attire to sit an exam.

PBo83 · 13/02/2019 09:51

It occurred to me that whenever DD's school (primary, non-uniform, and certainly as far as DD and he pals are concerned, clothes are by and large a T shirt and leggings) clamp down on clothing it is always items that girls are more likely to wear - because that's what's in the shops. Always.

That's because there is far more variation in girls clothing than in boys so there will be more rules/restrictions when it comes to a school's dress code.

Boys are really only likely to wear jeans, trousers, shorts, t-shirts, polo-shirts and jumpers (all perfectly acceptable for girls too).

What might not be considered suitable attire (not for some 'don't distract the boys reason' but just because it's a school) would be short skirts, crop tops, anything low-cut etc. I'm sure if a boy turned up in a short skirt and crop top he'd be told to change too!

Footwear is another thing. Boys are really only likely to wear shoes or trainers (again, both acceptable for both sexes). Girls are more likely to want to wear sandals, heels, something 'strappy' which would be restricted on H&S grounds. Again, if a boy turned up in flip-flops (a H&S nightmare) I'd expect he'd be told to change them.

The reason that dresscodes tend to seem stricter for girls is because there are far more options for girls which may be considered unsuitable for school (be this from a 'smart appearance' perspective or a practical/safety one).

Stompythedinosaur · 13/02/2019 09:56

I think that's terrible and very sexist. I would definitely send a letter.

I'd be fine with specifying a dress code both both sexes.

PBo83 · 13/02/2019 09:58

what I also hate about this (have been brooding on the way into work) is that girls are expected to shop for their clothing in some kind of vacuum, completely ignoring what the shops are full of. Control yourself, girls - step away from the crop tops, a boy might get 'distracted'! Funny how girls are expected to control themselves but boys not.

This is nonsense. I've been clothes shopping with/for my stepdaughter since she was 5 (now 12). Boys have never had any impact on what she wears. She decides what she likes and we decide if it's suitable/appropriate.

She was never restricted on what she looked at but me and her mum had the final say on what we bought. She wanted to wear crop tops for ages before she was finally allowed. This wasn't because of 'boys', this was because we deemed them impractical and inappropriate for girls under a certain age.

In my opinion, there are far too many shops offering inappropriate clothes to young girls. It's not our job to restrict what they look at but determine what we believe is appropriate for them.

RiverTam · 13/02/2019 10:06

So why are girls expected to control themselves and ignore all the 'inappropriate' clothing when they go shopping, but boys aren't expected to be able to control themselves if a girl in a crop top homes into view?

(my experience of a non-uniform school is indeed that clothes become an absolute non-issue, the girls wear leggings/jeans and a t shirt and trainers, the boys wear jeans, T shirt and trainers. But when the school have something to say it's always about the girls clothes and I think they should be thinking about what they are asking of the girls.)

Bluelady · 13/02/2019 10:10

How much control does it need to not wear a crop top? It's a choice. And not a particularly difficult one at that.

PBo83 · 13/02/2019 10:13

@RiverTam

(my experience of a non-uniform school is indeed that clothes become an absolute non-issue, the girls wear leggings/jeans and a t shirt and trainers, the boys wear jeans, T shirt and trainers. But when the school have something to say it's always about the girls clothes and I think they should be thinking about what they are asking of the girls.)

I would suspect that, if it's not an issue the majority of the time, when they school do say something (or issue a reminder of the dress code) it would be that one or two pupils have worn something that breaks the dress code. If they are talking specifically about the girl's dress code then I would suspect it's because one or more girls had been coming to school in something that breaks the schools rules.

So why are girls expected to control themselves and ignore all the 'inappropriate' clothing when they go shopping, but boys aren't expected to be able to control themselves if a girl in a crop top homes into view?

As I said above, they're not (certainly in my house and my experience). Children can look at whatever clothes they want and it is upto the parents (who pay for them) to decide whether they think they are appropriate or not. Personally I don't think, for example, that crop tops and short skirts are suitable for an 8 year old girl, others might think differently. This has nothing to do with 'boys being unable to control themselves' and everything to do with what parents think might be too 'sexual' for a girl of a certain age to be wearing.