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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think clothes can be distracting?

241 replies

angelicaorchnid · 11/02/2019 20:50

My dd is taking some extra GCSEs she can't take at school at another school in May,

She received a letter with information about where to go on the days etc. In it they say to make sure they wear not 'outrageous' clothing. Because their boys are normal and get distracted easily (it's a boys school).

Dd thinks this isn't right, and 'girls bodies shouldn't be seen as objects of distraction for boys', I don't agree, I think it's reasonable for them to stipulate what to wear. Dd says she agrees but they could've done it without saying they were distracting, and boys should be able to control themselves.

AIBU? i'm not sure if i'm just old school and not with what's appropriate now!

OP posts:
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Bluelady · 12/02/2019 09:39

It's wrong and it's stupid but I think what might have happened here is that a very junior staff member drafted that letter and nobody checked it. It's a facile and unsuccessful attempt at light hearted humour which definitely needs to be addressed because it's impacting on the school's reputation.

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/02/2019 09:42

"Teenage boys will be distracted by girls, it's not sexism, it's not misogyny, it's biology and hormones."

The typical response to it, to place blame and responsibility on girls, is sexism and misogyny. Boys need to deal with it or the consequence of it, rather than expect girls and women to sort out their issues for them.

Auntiepatricia · 12/02/2019 09:45

Totally agree with your DD! Angry

Right here is what the boys are being taught. That they can’t be expected to control themselves. That they can blame women for distracting them. This is frankly fucking bullshit and damaging too.

Original poster
angelicaorchnid · 12/02/2019 09:47

I think I've decided to send an email to the head before dd takes her exams, but not a confronting one.

Just an 'I agree with the sentiment, but i think the wording gives a bad impression of the school and portrays some damaging stereotypes, just to let you know so you can check it over' type of thing?

OP posts:
PBo83 · 12/02/2019 09:48

@AssassinatedBeauty

It's not about blame or consequences. I'm not condoning any wrongdoing on the boy's behalf (although there was no suggestion of any), simply saying that the statement "Teenage boys will be distracted by girls" isn't a sexist one. In fact, I'm fairly sure that teenage girls are also distracted by the presence of attractive boys.

It's not a case of blame, it's just the way it is.

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/02/2019 09:50

@PBo83 and my point is that it is the response that is sexist, not the biological reality.

PBo83 · 12/02/2019 09:52

@AssassinatedBeauty

To be fair, I don't think it was meant to be sexist, just an ill-thought-out attempt at humour.

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/02/2019 09:56

That's part of this whole issue, the fact that no one means to be sexist, they just accidentally show their underlying casually sexist assumptions. I'm sure this is a thoughtless and careless statement, but that's the issue. Girls should not have to experience casual sexism like this.

Bluelady · 12/02/2019 10:01

No they shouldn't but they do and will because the people who recognise that as sexist are still in a minority. That's why every opportunity for challenge needs to be taken. And throwing your toys out of your pram doesn't help. Rational and calm objective is the way to go.

Bluelady · 12/02/2019 10:01

Objection even, damned iPad!

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/02/2019 10:03

Who's throwing toys out of their pram? The OPs suggestion of a letter seems a very rational response.

Bluelady · 12/02/2019 10:05

It is a rational response but there's been a fair bit of toy throwing upthread.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/02/2019 12:29

I disagree.

Teenaged boys are just hormone repositories.

While they are capable of "controlling themselves" ie, not assaulting, raping, making remarks, they CAN'T stop themselves from having an erection - and I would think that that would make concentrating on their exam paper more difficult.

I think the school's request is reasonable, having seen what many young women and teenage girls regard as appropriate wear.

Expecting to dress provocatively and not be groped may be valid. Expecting to dress provocatively and not cause a physical reaction in teenaged boys isn't.

For many, if not most, girls, that's why they dress "sexily" isn't it? To get noticed?

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 12/02/2019 12:55

they CAN'T stop themselves from having an erection

Haven't seen that many male teens walking around with tents in their pants at beaches,swimming pools, or just on the streets in the summer.

ChesterGreySideboard · 12/02/2019 13:03

In fact, I'm fairly sure that teenage girls are also distracted by the presence of attractive boys.

And where is the advice telling teenage boys to cover themselves up?

PBo83 · 12/02/2019 13:07

@SchadenfreudePersonified

Absolutely agree.

"Controlling themselves" should mean just that, behaving in a way that is appropriate and treating people how they should be treated.

It cannot mean controlling an unconscious reaction determined by hormones and human biology (by its very nature, that's uncontrollable!).

I was a teenage boy and, for those few horribly awkward years, there is no way you can control your thoughts, or indeed the awkward physical reaction to those thoughts. What you can do is control how you act on them (i.e. you don't).

PBo83 · 12/02/2019 13:09

And where is the advice telling teenage boys to cover themselves up?

There doesn't need to be, the boys are in uniform. I'm sure if they started turning up in muscle vests then they'd probably add that to the dress code.

Magenta82 · 12/02/2019 13:14

There doesn't need to be, the boys are in uniform

This is an email sent out to external candidates, some of whom will be male.

ChesterGreySideboard · 12/02/2019 13:15

I was a teenage boy and, for those few horribly awkward years, there is no way you can control your thoughts, or indeed the awkward physical reaction to those thoughts. What you can do is control how you act on them (i.e. you don't).

So because boys are such helpless things at the mercy of their hormones girls must modify their behaviour?
That does a disservice to both boys and girls.

PBo83 · 12/02/2019 13:27

So because boys are such helpless things at the mercy of their hormones girls must modify their behaviour?

There's no 'behaviour; involved, it's a dress code.

And yes, mentally teenage boys are at the mercy of their hormones, it's not a fun time. Luckily most boys are brought up to respect and behave correctly towards girls.

ChesterGreySideboard · 12/02/2019 13:35

They are modifying their behaviour, girls and women do it all the time to avoid men.

I have no problem with there being a dress code, just the fact that the girls are told that they mustn't distract the boys.

Girls have hormones too you know......

PBo83 · 12/02/2019 13:55

They are modifying their behaviour, girls and women do it all the time to avoid men.

In what way are they modifying their behaviour? I don't understand. They are being asked to adhere to a dress code. The only time they would be modifying their behaviour is if they had planned to wear a short skirt and low top to do their exams.

If your main issue is with the wording of the letter then I would generally agree with you. I don't think it was ever intended to be offensive however, just an tongue-in-cheek joke that was ill-thought-out.

Girls have hormones too you know......

Yes, I know (I have a near-teenage stepdaughter!). Girls aren't constantly being told that their hormones are inherently bad though are they? They're not being told that they are potential rapists and that they're misogynistic, sexist wankers just because they lustfully looked at a particularly attractive boy.

TwinMummy1510 · 12/02/2019 14:01

I think I have interpreted the email differently to most posters on here....

The bit where it says about not distracting the boys because they're "normal"....I read that as normal humans, normal teenagers rather than it being normal behaviour for only the male sex. They only have boys at their school so that's the reason they're only referencing boys - and it's that which makes the wording sound as bad as it does.

Lots of boys and girl teens tend to be at the mercy of their hormones and do get distracted by hot guys/girls very easily - and a guy in a muscle vest and shorts would be just as distracting as a girl in a belly top. So yes, their boys could be distracted. If they had girls there then their girls could be distracted too.

Do I think the letter is well worded? Hell no! It's clumsy and probably conveys an unintended meaning. Do I think they're being deliberately sexist? No, probably not.

I would question it if you feel uncomfortable and see what they have to say. But I automatically read this differently to how most people seem to have. And I'm not blind to everyday sexism or the battles that women face - I just don't see it here necessarily.

PBo83 · 12/02/2019 14:06

@TwinMummy1510

Agreed with every bit of that.

I do think some people are deliberately misinterpreting what, like you say, was probably someone's clumsy and badly worded attempt at humour, in order to be offended and raise a number of unrelated arguments.

ChesterGreySideboard · 12/02/2019 14:18

In what way are they modifying their behaviour? I don't understand. They are being asked to adhere to a dress code. The only time they would be modifying their behaviour is if they had planned to wear a short skirt and low top to do their exams.

There you go, you just answered your own question.

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