AIBU to think clothes can be distracting?

[angelicaorchnid]

My dd is taking some extra GCSEs she can't take at school at another school in May,

She received a letter with information about where to go on the days etc. In it they say to make sure they wear not 'outrageous' clothing. Because their boys are normal and get distracted easily (it's a boys school).

Dd thinks this isn't right, and 'girls bodies shouldn't be seen as objects of distraction for boys', I don't agree, I think it's reasonable for them to stipulate what to wear. Dd says she agrees but they could've done it without saying they were distracting, and boys should be able to control themselves.

AIBU? i'm not sure if i'm just old school and not with what's appropriate now!

Definitely contact the school, its really sexist

This is completely outrageous and you should write to the school to complain about it immediately (not after DDs exams). TBH I'd repost on FWR with a boring title like 'help me write this letter' and you'll then not have to deal with the deniers and will get some useful help.

The fact that this is an independent boys school makes it actually even more important that they get called out on it, they don't have Ofsted protecting the pupils from old fashioned teaching. If this attitude makes it into an official letter to external candidates I dread to think what casual sexist comments are tolerated or encouraged in the classroom. Poor parents are paying a fortune to have their boys exposed to this.

I have a problem with the way it's worded but not an issue with the dress code per se.

School isn't a place for tube tops, spaghetti straps, boobs or bellies hanging out, visible undergarments, or micro minis.

There is something to be said for respect for oneself and others. Even if it's warm out, it is possible to stay cool without looking as if one should be arrested for soliciting.

Wow. Now they’ve found a way for boys doing badly in exams to be women’s fault too! These poor men, us women just ruin everything don’t we.

Even if it's warm out, it is possible to stay cool without looking as if one should be arrested for soliciting.

Whereas the boys are being given the message that it's 'normal' to view girls as 'distracting' objects. They will be the Donald Trumps and Philip Greens of the future. It's not what you wear that makes you sleazy.

If the boys are so easily distracted that they will fail an exam because of something a girl wears then they are probably a bit too thick to be attending that particular school.
What bollocks.
They could say ‘we expect pupils to be smartly dressed with no beach or club wear’ because that would apply to both sexes and is a reasonable suggestion for a formal environment.

Absolutely awful, and utter bullshit.
Disgusting

That letter is in-fucking-believable... yet simultaneously depressingly believable

Your DD is right.
And I would name and shame the school.

Un-fucking-believable*

Also agree the sentiment is actually fine it’s the wording that is

The wording is totally wrong. Having rules about short skirts, bare shoulders and tummies and exposed cleavage is fine IMO. I work in a girls’ school and don’t want them turning up in sexualised clothing. It makes me uncomfortable. I’m a straight woman so it’s nothing to do with not being able to “control myself” but it is distracting and uncomfortable when you’re left not knowing where to look because the girls aren’t dressed appropriately for school on non-uniform days. Let’s not kid ourselves that wearing tops cut so low that their boobs are falling out or tiny short shorts with the bottom of their bum cheeks visible is an empowering choice. It’s made in the context of a patriarchy where girls’ clothing choices are shaped by the male gaze. I’m going to carry on telling the girls I teach that school (and school trips etc) are not the place to wear that sort of thing.

I don’t think anyone would argue that it would be appropriate for girls to turn up in tiny skimpy clothes that show everything.
It’s the way it is worded and the deep seated attitude that boys and men are not responsible for their actions.

Another nail in the coffin for single sex Ed for me

If separating sexes ends up with this sort of ridiculous issue it should be scrapped.
Just makes things worse imo.

I'm going to be shot down for this but am I the only one that thinks it was just meant as a bit of a 'tounge-in-cheek' joke tagged onto the end of a (perfectly reasonable) request for appropriate attire?

I agree that it was probably inappropriate but I don't think it was meant with any malice.

[stands back and waits for the baying mob]

I get that and I agree but I worry that the push back against that sort of language is sometimes leading us to throw out the baby with the bathwater. Uniform rules for teenage girls that say no to spaghetti straps, exposed cleavage, very short skirts etc are a good thing IMO. Of course, they often don’t like them. That’s because the latest fashions are often highly sexualised and they want to wear that. Providing and environment where that sort of clothing isn’t allowed takes a lot of the pressure off to signal your grown-upness through sexualised clothing.

They could say ‘we expect pupils to be smartly dressed with no beach or club wear’ because that would apply to both sexes and is a reasonable suggestion for a formal environment.

This is the only appropriate wording that is not sexist. Once you go down the route of saying no to spaghetti straps, exposed cleavage, very short skirts you are victim blaming. Please tell me which clothes boys wear that would be considered 'revealing'? A teenage boy and girl both wearing shorts of mid thigh length are viewed very differently because boys and girls bodies are viewed differently.

We only have girls. Why would our uniform rules need to account for what boys might wear?

Once you go down the route of saying no to spaghetti straps, exposed cleavage, very short skirts you are victim blaming

Victims of what? As far as I was aware this was a school dress code.

Surely it makes sense to be clear so there's no doubt about what is/isn't acceptable. For example "No exposed cleavage" seems perfectly reasonable and leaves the parents/students in no doubt as to what they can or can't wear.

no to spaghetti straps, exposed cleavage, very short skirts you are victim blaming

That is pretty much our dress code at my school-for the teachers!

Whereas what they have said is ‘ladies, boys can’t be trusted to manage their emotions for 2 hours, please cover yourselves up because we can’t expect the men to change can we, after all boys will be boys.’

This is just one of several comments expressing a similar sentiment. The fact that several (presumably) women think that being "distracted" is some sort of facility that any boy who wants to can switch off immediately and completely shows that they have no understanding of male reality, which must be very different from female experience, if these views represent what most women think.

(Though even if a girl is supermodel and decides to take the exam wearing only lacy underwear and high heels, I think most boys will be able to tear their eyes away for long enough to complete an important exam, with only a very modest effect on their grades. OK, there might be one or two whose brains explode and who just sit their drooling, but they probably weren't the most ambitious students anyway...)

DD is 100% correct! Policing women's clothing because men haven't learned to control themselves is bullshit of the highest order.

The point, @PettyContractor, is that it is the boys issue to sort out and resolve - not the girls to address by attempting to dress in a way that won't distract any single one of the boys. Which is probably impossible.

All this school needed to say was something along the lines of "please dress smartly with no beach or club wear". That's it.

@PettyContractor

Agreed.

Teenage boys will be distracted by girls, it's not sexism, it's not misogyny, it's biology and hormones.

I do agree though that, in a short test environment, most boys will be sufficiently focused on the exam in hand that the presence of the 'lesser spotted female' should have very little effect (less still what they're wearing, although it's still a school environment so a dress code is relevant).

As a side note, I went to an all-boys school but shared a couple of classes in the later years with girls from another school. It's amazing how quickly all the laddish bravado disappears in female company, they were the most respected, best treated people in the room by the male students!