AIBU to think clothes can be distracting?

[angelicaorchnid]

My dd is taking some extra GCSEs she can't take at school at another school in May,

She received a letter with information about where to go on the days etc. In it they say to make sure they wear not 'outrageous' clothing. Because their boys are normal and get distracted easily (it's a boys school).

Dd thinks this isn't right, and 'girls bodies shouldn't be seen as objects of distraction for boys', I don't agree, I think it's reasonable for them to stipulate what to wear. Dd says she agrees but they could've done it without saying they were distracting, and boys should be able to control themselves.

AIBU? i'm not sure if i'm just old school and not with what's appropriate now!

No. Not deliberately misinterpreting. The cause of the crass and sexist wording is not the point, the issue is that it happened and the school saw no issue with sending it out. It's not important whether the reactions of boys to girls is unavoidably biological, boys have to learn to deal with that and find ways to not let it affect them. None of that has anything to do with what girls are doing.

Note that raising a concern over such casual sexism (whether careless or deliberate) is not an overreaction. This is part of the drip drip effect that adds up to a bigger issue. It needs challenging whenever it happens.

Your daughter is correct. That is appalling and sexist suggesting boys are unable to control themselves and girls are mere sexual distractions. Girls should be able to wear what they want without fear of being shamed or told they are "asking for it" which this sentence implies. Disgusting.

I wouldn't write "I agree with the sentiment" as I hope you don't! You could say something like "Although I agree that both male and female pupils should dress appropriately for the setting,..." or similar.

My DH went to a boys school and did a "life without women" class. That was a few years ago but doesn't look like much has changed!

What they hell was in a Life Without Women class?
Did it tell you how to wash your own socks?

What did it involve @MiniMum97 ? I've tried googling but couldn't see anything relevant.

and a guy in a muscle vest and shorts would be just as distracting as a girl in a belly top.

And how many times have boys been instructed to mind what they wear as to not "distract" girls? Never. There might be dress codes specified,various reasons mentioned but never have men or boys been told what not to wear as it's too sexy or distracting for women/girls.

This?

I would venture that women and girls are very often referred to as 'hormonal' in a very negative fashion. Hysterical, I believe the Victorians might have said. Different terminology, but much the same inference.

So I refute the poster above suggesting that our hormones are only ever given a positive spin!

All that aside, what a crock of shit. Boys are no more at the mercy of their hormones than we are as teenagers.

Girls have hormones too you know......

When their physical reactions are as potentially publicly embarrassing and uncontrollable as boys' are, I'll have more sympathy

@SchadenfreudePersonified maybe they should wear specially designed loose trousers with plenty of pleats at the front to hide their physical reaction. Then they wouldn't have to worry about it, problem solved. You could make it the compulsory school trousers. Or there could be a whole new product range of Spanx style control and minimising underwear. Why has no one thought of this before?

OP, why do you agree with the sentiment? The sentiment is fucking awful!! It is 100% laying the responsibility of boys behaving themselves at the door of a girl's wardrobe.

It's absolutely disgusting and I would be fucking livid.

When their physical reactions are as potentially publicly embarrassing and uncontrollable as boys' are, I'll have more sympathy

What about a girl who suddenly gets her period, experiences flooding or has crippling pains?

They are all potentially embarrassing and uncontrollable, and they don’t stop when you stop being a teen.

By agreeing with the sentiment I mean I agree that it's reasonable to have a dress code, but for everyone, not just girls!

Also not having it explained away as boys getting distracted by girls, but just because everyone should be dressed appropriately for the exam.

yabu they do the same thing if you visit someone in prison
is that sexiest or realist?

I think it was badly worded but I dont think it was intended to be offensive. It's mostly written in a way that shows they are not used to speaking to a female audience and so their wording is very clunky and expressed badly.

If you want to bring it up to the school I would do it in an "FYI this was badly worded so perhaps you could consider changing the wording for future cohorts" way rather than an "I'm offended and demand an apology" way.

I attended an all girls grammar school for secondary and sixth form. We did a lot of joint activities with the boys grammar across town, mostly arts and STEM competitions. One of the big activities was the annual musical put on jointly by the two schools. Each school would host the musical every other year.

When it was hosted by my school it would be talked about by girls for weeks that XYZ boys had been cast and would be in our school every week. The amount of girls who found excuses to hang around the rehearsal spaces or "study" at one of the tables in the atrium between reception and the theatre after school (rather than the library where people usually studied) was phenomenal. When we were hosted at the boys school then it was the same - boys would hang around wherever we were, there would be constant whispering and commenting.

None of it was ever intended to be rude, malicious or offensive but it was just because it went against the norm of each school and so anyone "different" attracted attention. The schools were aware of this and so we would be issued guidelines as to appropriate behaviour - including dress code - when visiting the other school. For the Lower school that meant proper uniform on any visits so no skirts rolled up to mid thigh that teachers gave up trying to stop girls doing in school by the start of October half term and for sixth form (who didn't wear uniform) we had a stricter dress code for visits than for regular school days (eg we could wear smart jeans for school but not for trips/visits).

I see this as the exam officer being unsure how to word "Girls, dress appropriately for an exam" since they, as a boys school, only have need for a formal uniform/dress code for male students. Much like how my teachers always used to start classes etc with "Good morning Girls/Girls, can you ...?/Ladies when you finish X can you do Y please/Lunch is over, you should be in class ladies etc" and whenever we had male visitors it was ways amusing when they'd start referring to girls/ladies and have to apologise or start stumbling as they tried to correct themselves to refer to a mixed gender group.

I can’t imagine any school sending that out

I can. My DDs' school changed the girls' uniform for similar reasons

what is appropriate dress for taking an exam? Unless it's science or DT I don't get what it matters.

I'm pretty sure there was no dress code when I took my finals. And there were blokes there!! Some had beenbeen to boarding school .

Fuck's sake.

in 2019, in a post #MeToo world, there is no excuse, none whatsoever.

This could be completely avoided by saying

Our pupils wear full school uniform in exam time halls.
External candidates are requested that they wear similar.. Please no shorts /flip flops/

Not sexist.

OP, I'd suggest they either change it to a request for formal clothing (not sexist) since the pupils are in uniform or they segregate the pupils and the external candidates. I assume from the comment about being comfortable the school is happy for external candidates to wear e.g. jeans and a t-shirt so if the pupils get so easily 'distracted' by 'outrageous' clothes then maybe it's better for the external candidates to not be exposed to potential sexual harrassment or bullying.

And as for it being a 'jokey' comment, I fail to see what is funny about advertising that your pupils are not able to behave respectfully towards external candidates.

Exactly why couldn't they just say smart but comfortable clothing similar to school uniform. No need for all the sexist drivel.

Terrible wording but I assume they mean 'normal' as in 'normal, hormonal teenage boys who get distracted by the very concept of a boob'.

I have two (boys and boobs) and they couldn't concentrate on taking an exam if there was visible cleavage in their eyeline - they wouldn't dare look but they'd know it was there...

Not the girl's responsibility though!

The school could have achieved the same result by saying “All pupils are reminded that the dress code for the exams is smart clothes, suitable for the office”. If they felt the need to be more specific, they could add - “no shorts, vest/strappy tops, no exposed midriffs.”

it's still buying into the same message, though, isn't it? And it drums home how stupid uniform is, if you end up with boys who can't cope with seeing a bit of female flesh. If it's a warm day why the hell shouldn't they wear shorts, a vest top and flip flops?

I winder how non-uniform schools cope with this kind of thing?