AIBU to think clothes can be distracting?

[angelicaorchnid]

My dd is taking some extra GCSEs she can't take at school at another school in May,

She received a letter with information about where to go on the days etc. In it they say to make sure they wear not 'outrageous' clothing. Because their boys are normal and get distracted easily (it's a boys school).

Dd thinks this isn't right, and 'girls bodies shouldn't be seen as objects of distraction for boys', I don't agree, I think it's reasonable for them to stipulate what to wear. Dd says she agrees but they could've done it without saying they were distracting, and boys should be able to control themselves.

AIBU? i'm not sure if i'm just old school and not with what's appropriate now!

That reads as our boys can't be trusted to control themselves.

Well yes it insults the boys too.

To be honest, if you kick up a fuss, I would expect them just to scrap allowing others in to use their school as an exam centre. Yes, it is poorly worded and a more general request would have been better. But it is not excusing male violence and their priority has to be their own pupils.

I remember being in exactly this situation as a teenage girl - taking an exam in a boys school. I was grateful that I was allowed to take my exams there as my school wasn't at all helpful about it. I also remember being a teenage girl and deliberately dressing to distract boys - I didn't do it for my exams though, but I am pretty certain some of my peers would have.

not Tonbridge.

I'm very tempted to get dd a shirt with something about clothing not being an excuse for sexual assault, just to be petty.

I thought an email would be good as I would have a trail of everything said?

while that may seem like an idea you don't want her to get there and be banned at the last minute

Justajot - You are rather behind the times on this issue. I can just imagine the headline if they tried to prevent a girl from taking exams because she dared to speak up about their sexist attitudes #metoo

Email sounds sensible OP

This is just a slightly badly worded letter to an audience that they aren't particularly used to dealing with. They aren't talking about sexual assault, just about sitting in a room doing an exam.

Email them if you want, but I really don't think it is worth getting het up about.

Justajot, you can’t see the faintest problem with a letter from an exam centre making it a fifteen year old girl’s responsibility to dress in a way that doesn’t cause male ‘distraction’?

I can see a problem, I just think it's a small problem.

I do think that all exam takers should dress in appropriately and it's likely that the only experience they have of inappropriate dress in exams has been girls dressing skimpily in summer, so they've addressed that rather than a more general request.

If they had said something like ‘please ensure that you are not wearing anything revealing or outlandish so not to distract other students. Remember to wear something warm and comfortable as you will be sat still for a long time’, then it would be fine. Whereas what they have said is ‘ladies, boys can’t be trusted to manage their emotions for 2 hours, please cover yourselves up because we can’t expect the men to change can we, after all boys will be boys.’

I think if I was your daughter I would just attend for the exam in a niqab

I can see a problem, I just think it's a small problem.

It’s the tip of a massive iceberg.
Yes it is a small problem but the message it gives to boys is that they are not responsible for their actions, girls are.
If girls will dress provocatively/get drunk etc then it’s not your fault if you take advantage of the situation.

Wow. I’m another one saying name and shame.

I’ve also never hoped for the Fail to write an article on a Mumsnet post until now but this one deserves it - this is disgusting.

The boys aren't getting the letter, if they are getting this message then they are getting it from something other than this letter and probably someone other than their exams officer.

Are you being deliberately obtuse, Just? Mid-teenage girls are being given the message that male lack of self-control is their problem to solve, in a culture with a pathetic rape conviction rate, where a rape victim’s underwear is still admissible evidence.

The boys aren't getting the letter

External candidates are getting the lettter. Some of them might be boys.
Also if this is the pervasive attitude of the school then it will rub off onto the school’s pupils.

I think it is a massive leap from 'distraction' to rape. It is just a badly worded letter to external candidates, not a letter to boys telling them that skimpily clad girls are fair game.

There's no real reason to think that this is the pervasive attitude of the school.

I think it could have been worded better, but the basic message of asking external candidates to dress appropriately seems reasonable and it may be unfortunate that the exams officer has only experienced external candidates not dressing appropriately who were girls.

You’re missing the point still Just. This is a message to young girls, reinforcing a social message that they also get from a lot of other sources, that male sexual self-control, rather than being a men’s/boys’ issue, is something they have to take responsibility for.

I think you can split it into two issues -

1. Should exam candidates dress in a manner that is not distracting to other candidates? I would argue that they all should. That includes girls wearing the types of clothes most schools allow their 6th form girls to wear. So things like beach wear are out.

1. Should the message have been written as it was? No, it wasn't ideal, but I don't think this particular instance is worth getting upset about. Distraction comes in many forms but some are more commonly experienced than others and the letter comes from that experience, but could have been phrased more carefully. While I was at university, one of the guys on my course swept into a lecture, half way through, wearing a floor length ball gown. That was quite distracting, particularly for the lecturer. I'd guess that the letter writer hadn't experienced that distraction or they might have tried to cover more bases with their letter.

for once I want the daily fail to see this and splash it all over the place.because of this is real it is beyond appalking and I cant believe you op think is reasonable.poor daughter being brought up like that!

I would be suggesting to the school that if these boys cannot concentrate on their exams due to a girls' outfit then this will be the boys' problem and if it impacts their exam results then this will be a true reflection on their abilities to concentrate on their studies, which is exactly what an exam is there to assess.

Honestly I'm stunned that the school did this.

I would write a polite letter to the Head in a ‘bringing this to your attention’ way and outlining why it’s inappropriate. It’s completely possible he/she is not aware of it and that these instructions have been sent out every year for donkeys. If he/she has any sense he/she will request an edit!!