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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's normal to have somewhere comfortable to watch TV/a film

208 replies

Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 11/02/2019 18:14

Been seeing a man for several months. He's a widower with teenage children. We meet once a week usually. We eat out, go for drives etc but sometimes (before/after the above or just on its own) sit in his home.

He has nowhere to sit comfortably and watch a working TV/a film.

(The main TV is in his kitchen-dining room, where you'd have to sit on a dining chair at the dining table, obviously. His sitting room has a TV used only for games by his sons.)

He seems to have zero problem with this and is happy to sit with nothing to watch, chatting. I happy to chat to some extent, bug beyond that think it's normal to be able to watch some TV or a film together on e.g. a sofa.

Would this bother you?

OP posts:
DParse · 11/02/2019 22:06

Does he try to fit in with you in other ways, OP? Is it possible that sitting on the sofa watching TV is just his idea of Hell?

I would be a bit worried about having a partner who wanted to sit on the sofa and watch TV/DVDs. I could think of very little I'd less want to do, and I'd start to wonder if we were really that compatible. DP has all sorts of interests which I don't share - but I have interests that he doesn't share, either. That's fine. We don't have to inflict them on one another...

harper30 · 11/02/2019 22:06

😂 people on mumsnet can be absolute dicks: 'it's HIS house he doesn't need to watch tv in a comfortable place if he doesn't want to, how dare you try to impose your will on him' or 'oh I NEVER watch tv on my sofa, it's just not something that's important to MY family.'
Ha ha ha.
OP people are just arguing with you for the sake of it.
It's super weird to not be able to watch tv or dvds in the living room where there is a sofa and a tv.
I would personally directly say to him 'I'd like you to make it possible for us to watch a film together in the lounge' and if he says no I guess he's just weird and unwilling to do something super normal to make you happy.
Tell him to sort that shit out so you can watch box sets in comfort!

PenelopeFlintstone · 11/02/2019 22:09

I agree with Harper30. You're not asking much, OP.
The second DVD player was a great idea and not expensive but he should pay for it. Getting the aerial sorted is even better.
Also, you could get them to show you how to use the existing equipment, write down the instructions and after a few goes it'll be second nature.

Original poster
Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 11/02/2019 22:10

Maybe he does it discourage his children from watching? Or he just uses his laptop/iPad? We don’t have a tv at all. They’re redundant.

His children watch TV all day, or at least it's on in the background in the kitchen-dining room.

He does not use computers, there are 90 year old ladies who'd leave him in the dust for IT literacy. And he doesn't want to. He gets myself of his kids to do anything he wants done online.

OP posts:
Mabumssare · 11/02/2019 22:11

People are really making this into something it's not

The partner does watch TV, he has a lot if DVDs, they watch TV together in the kitcken but it's not The most comfortable set up so OP is asking to get the TV working in the living room so they can sit comfortably. She is not trying to change his life and not trying to make him watch TV every waking minute.

It sounds like over time this had become their set up and he is happy enough with it probably over compensating and giving the kids the good space etc

Now you and he spend time together it would be nice to reclaim the living room buy he perhaps feels wary if doing it in case the kids see it as new woman coming in and taking over (which I don't think you are btw) which is why he is perhaps not following through. It would be nice for him to also have the living room to sit in and relax. How old are the kids ? Are they old enough to chat it over with them ? Have you guys discussed you moving in with them ?

Original poster
Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 11/02/2019 22:12

OP people are just arguing with you for the sake of it.

Yup, I got that impression.

Someone has said I've "invented cables".

Wish I had invented cables, I'd be sunning myself in St Lucia with a giant mojito.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 11/02/2019 22:13

Can you buy a new sofa and put it the kitchen/diner? Alongside the table?

Of would he still insist on sitting on a hard chair to watch telly? Grin

Original poster
Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 11/02/2019 22:17

It's super weird to not be able to watch tv or dvds in the living room where there is a sofa and a tv.
I would personally directly say to him 'I'd like you to make it possible for us to watch a film together in the lounge' and if he says no I guess he's just weird and unwilling to do something super normal to make you happy.

I'll do that. I'll mention it in terms of the possibility of me moving in. The 2nd dvd is a good idea and would save me changing it over (and his poor daughter doing the reverse every time she wants to watch watch her box sets) but it wouldn't solve the TV issue. Ill look into iPlayer, and the paid services as well as asking for the Ariel to be sorted.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 11/02/2019 22:19

OP, you said you'd spoken to him about changing things, but you didnt say what his reply was. I think its quite weird that he seems totally resistant to doing quite a small thing to make you happy.

My boyfriend would change the HOUSE round to make me happy - i feel a bit sad for you that this man won't even do a little thing that would mean a lot to you.

Original poster
Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 11/02/2019 22:19

perhaps feels wary if doing it in case the kids see it as new woman coming in and taking over (which I don't think you are btw) which is why he is perhaps not following through.

Perhaps it is.

How old are the kids ? Are they old enough to chat it over with them ? Have you guys discussed you moving in with them ? 13 - 19. We haven't, i don't know if he'd mentioned it to them. I don't discuss anything like that with them, I just try to be friendly and supportive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 11/02/2019 22:23

OP, you said you'd spoken to him about changing things, but you didnt say what his reply was. I think its quite weird that he seems totally resistant to doing quite a small thing to make you happy.

He bought the dvd player. He said something about why he doesn't want to fix the Ariel, can't remember what. I didn't push because he had to support quite s big family and I'm aware of costs and priorities.

My boyfriend would change the HOUSE round to make me happy - i feel a bit sad for you that this man won't even do a little thing that would mean a lot to you.

If be lying if I said it would mean a lot to me - it just irritates me a bit. But thank you for the sympathy, you're v sweet Grin.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 11/02/2019 22:25

Unfortunately your thread's brought out the TV snobs, OP. Pity as for me (and I love watching TV) it's a bit of a red herring, because what. I love even more than watching TV is sitting on a nice comfy seat. Your set up, if I'm understanding correctly, is that when you're at his house, even if you're alone there, you spend your time sitting in the dining room on hard chairs, whether that's watching TV, drinking wine, chatting or whatever. That for a whole evening would not suit me at all.

Next time he mentions moving in I would lightly say 'I don't think life in a house without a nice comfy sofa to curl up on would be for me'. I would also be finding that I got uncomfortable after a shortish period on the hard chairs and would rather go home to my own sofa. I wonder if then the penny would drop.

Original poster
Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 11/02/2019 22:33

*Talking about moving in?
You've only been seeing each other a few months - and once a week at that!

If you moved in then the 'normal' thing would be to communicate about what you're bringing with you, where it goes etc so naturally you would end up doing something re the living room.

However, communication is obviously not a strong point for either of you....so i'd be concentrating on that rather than discussions/ideas about moving in.*

Several months is not a few months.

Also we were discussing an imminent move in, but the possibility in the longer term.

Also we were not discussing a wholesale move in, as you have assumed, but a part-time move in for me to take a job opportunity in his town.

There is no way on this planet that I would give up my little house and move in with someone full time/permanently until years and years (and I mean years) into a secure relationship.

Also if would be wholly unfair in my view on his kids, I suspect they'd be ok with me coming and going and still having my house in a way they wouldn't be ok with a full time permanent move in - and that's very understandable.

This is merely about basic comfort and facility when staying at each others places (which he rarely does at mine for reasons I've stated earlier). I do a wide variety of things with him, I compromise, why is it so difficult to just watch some TV once in awhile on a comfortable seat in his home

OP posts:
Original poster
Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 11/02/2019 22:37

Your set up, if I'm understanding correctly, is that when you're at his house, even if you're alone there, you spend your time sitting in the dining room on hard chairs, whether that's watching TV, drinking wine, chatting or whatever. That for a whole evening would not suit me at all

We're not at the house much cause he, like me, is an outdoorsy, scenery type (though he prefers looking at it from inside a vehicle whereas I like getting out in it in, waterproofs required usually) but when we are, if I wanted to watch TV, yes I'd have to do it at the dining table.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 11/02/2019 22:38

Why don't you go to the cinema to watch films?

Original poster
Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 11/02/2019 22:40

If we go into the sitting room, we can only chat - or I have to organise a dvd, move the dvd player from the kitchen-dining room, free up a scart socket, plug it in etc and watch it, can't watch TV.

He would be happy to sit and chat but I'll already have heard any news by phone during the week, and there's only so much of listening to anecdotes and stories and opinions (that are now v familiar) that I can do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 11/02/2019 22:40

Why don't you go to the cinema to watch films?

We do, I've mentioned that several times.

OP posts:
Mabumssare · 11/02/2019 22:42

Looking at the kids ages makes me lean even more to the idea that he is worried how the kids would take it of he changed the set up for you and him. I am guessing those are very tricky ages with hormones etc and having lost their mum I imagine they might be a bit sensitive about a new woman so he doesn't want to rock the boat ?

I don't think it needs to be taken that way though but perhaps that's his worry and why he is hesitant? Maybe you could gently bring up this with him and see if that's what it is ?

Original poster
Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 11/02/2019 22:44

However, communication is obviously not a strong point for either of you....so i'd be concentrating on that rather than discussions/ideas about moving in.

I told him I prefer to sit on a sofa or comfortable seat in the sitting room.bi asked him could he fix the Ariel, I asked him to get a dvd - not sure what's so weak about my communication.

Should I demand a man with financial responsibility for a large family fix a TV Ariel for me, when no-one else cares, above other things

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 11/02/2019 22:45

In that case I agree that it weird.

Original poster
Iownmanyleatherboundbooks · 11/02/2019 22:47

Mabum - it happened back long time ago, he's had other women stay weekends before. I'm nothing new, in fact I think his failed relationships to date may be as much a factor in him thinking he won't bother changing things/going to much bother until he sees if it works out long term.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 11/02/2019 22:51

I think Mabumssare may have hit on it. His children have gone through a very hard time, it makes sense that he wants to keep everything "normal" for them, but doesnt want to upset you by explaining this clumsily.

Is he emotionally generous, otherwise?

FindPrimeLorca · 11/02/2019 22:58

I’m with you OP. My parents watch TV sitting at the kitchen table on wooden chairs and although they have their reasons it drives me mad. Sitting room, comfy sofa, big telly, feet up. Get him a chromecast.

Mind you, my DH doesn’t watch drama - now that really is a problem.

fruitpastille · 11/02/2019 22:58

Op, I bet if you were complaining that there was no dining table and you could only eat sitting on a sofa with food on laps in front of the TV you would get a lot more sympathy Grin

I agree with harper30.

GreatWesternValkyrie · 11/02/2019 23:02

Your question was would it bother others?

In a newish relationship (which this seems to be?), no. I like to watch movies in comfort of course, but think I’d accept his home as he wants it, considering that it may be set up for his kids benefit and that he’s keen to accommodate their wants given the circumstances they’ve been through. I wouldn’t want to influence change in their family home when I don’t actually live there.

If it started to get to the point where I might move in, then I’d have that conversation.