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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite my best friend's partner to my wedding

175 replies

InTheBirdBox · 11/02/2019 09:52

I have been friends with this woman since we were kids and we are just like sisters essentially.

She has been with her 'partner' for a number of years now.

I don't like using the word hate loosely but I hate this man. He has been emotionally abusive for years and late last year it turned physical.

My friend managed to break free for just enough time to message me quickly to ring the police which I did. I then rushed over. By the time I was there the police were there and he had fled. She was battered and bruised and honestly I could cry all over again remembering the state of her. It breaks my heart. I could kill him for what he did to my beautiful friend.

Fast forward to a few weeks later and like usual she forgave him and it's all happy families again. I know it's hard to leave when you're scared and I am there and supportive as much as I can be despite wanting to shake and beg her to get away from him.

I am getting married soon. Partners of friends are invited.

I do not want this disgusting specimen at my wedding. I don't want to see his face as he laughs and jokes with my friends and acts as if he isn't a monster.

But at the same time, I don't want to hurt my friend. She expects me to forget and forgive because she has. I also don't want to make it worse for her if she has to explain why I don't want him there.

I really don't know what to do for the best!

OP posts:
MountPheasant · 11/02/2019 09:56

Don’t invite him. Your wedding, your choice.

Now you’ve actually seen her bruises you have a good reason to dislike him, separate from just hearing her stories of him. If you say ‘I could not live with myself having him at my wedding after what I saw that day’ then how can she argue?

Its the most wonderful day of your life- imagine it being tainted every time you spot him out of the corner of your eye. She should understand this or she’s not as good a friend as you think.

I feel for you OP, going through something similar, though less severe, with my younger sister right now.

Fabaunt · 11/02/2019 09:56

Absolutely not, this is your wedding. Invite her and her sister or her and another friend.

presentcontinuous · 11/02/2019 09:58

Your poor friend.

The risk of not inviting him is that she doesn't come either. He doesn't sound like the kind of man who'd "let her out" without him.

Lllot5 · 11/02/2019 09:59

The problem you may have is if you don’t invite him he may pressure your friend not to go. Trying to isolate her from her friends etc.

crosspelican · 11/02/2019 09:59

I don't understand how the state cannot stand in and prosecute under these circumstances. She is in an abusive relationship and quite literally has diminished responsibility for herself. He is going to kill her. Why can't he be imprisoned for beating her? This makes me so angry for your poor friend, and the thousands of other women in her position.

Bluelady · 11/02/2019 10:01

If you don't invite him you'll alienate her and play straight into his hands. "Oh look, that's how much your friends care about you, they won't even invite me to their wedding". He'll probably forbid her to go too. And give her a hard time.

Obviously your not wanting him there is completely understandable, I wouldn't either. But I'd suck it up for the sake of your friendship. Leaving an abusive relationship is like beating addiction, it only happens when the victim has the determination to do it.

Singlenotsingle · 11/02/2019 10:01

Don't invite him to your happy day, but explain to her why. Be prepared for her not to be able to come either, though, as she probably won't be allowed to without him.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 11/02/2019 10:02

I wouldn’t invite either of them. Imagine if he got angry at being excluded and gatectashed your wedding? Violent partners are often very jealous.

As for her, I honestly don’t understand how women stay in violent relationships, when the have the option to leave (some don’t, I get that).

MatildaTheCat · 11/02/2019 10:03

How extremely difficult. Unfortunately I agree with the poster above who points out that he might give her a very hard time about him being excluded and she will quite properly either not come or take a beating if she does.

Can you talk to her and keep offering your support in leaving him? It takes many goes for most women to leave so don’t think badly of her.

Trills · 11/02/2019 10:04

Can you talk to her about it? What does she think the consequences might be?

Would you rather have both of them there, or neither, if that was the choice?

If you don't invite them both, will he make it hard for you to see her?

How bad will it be for him to be there, and are you willing to put up with his presence in order to be able to continue to support your friend (and hopefully eventually help her to leave him)?

SnuggyBuggy · 11/02/2019 10:05

It's generally rude to not invite partners but in cases like this it would be far ruder to inflict someone like this on all your guests

Trills · 11/02/2019 10:05

Cross-posted with @MatildaTheCat and I think we said the same thing

FlamingGalar · 11/02/2019 10:05

I completely understand that you wouldn’t want this absolute peice of work at your wedding, OP. However, I would be concerned that his lack of invite could make things very difficult for your BF. I can’t imagine him merrily waving her off to your wedding for the day and not giving her a hard time about it. If I were you I would grit my teeth and invite the bastard - for the sake of your friend if nothing else.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 11/02/2019 10:06

Don't invite him but be prepared for her to not come.

He sounds controlling so will probably stop her coming

Reallyevilmuffin · 11/02/2019 10:09

I completely agree with you not wanting him there. Don't invite. Although tongue in cheek - how long before we have a 'AIBU that my long-term partner has not been invited to the wedding despite all other partners been invited and I don't want to go' thread Wink

NWQM · 11/02/2019 10:10

It’s your day. Nothing should mar that. Obviously though you know that if you don’t invite him your friend is unlikely to come.
So you probalay have a stark choice - what would upset you more... seeing him there or not having her there?

Do you other friends not know what happened? You say they will be laughing and joking with him.

If you decide to invite him then think about where he will sit - is your friend in the bridal party or could she be? Does the room lend itself to him being ‘hidden’? I had a friend whose placed a certain guest against behind a very convient pillar. And do tip off your photographer. He can again be placed where he can disappear from the wedding memories.

notacooldad · 11/02/2019 10:12

There's not a happy solution to your dilemma.
I agree with others if you don't invite him it will cause her problems and possibly he won't let her come.
If you don't invite either she will be hurt and no doubt you will feel bad.
If you invite both you will be on edge not knowing what may happen.

I have no idea what to suggest.

KC225 · 11/02/2019 10:14

I wouldn't want him at my wedding. Why would you want someone like that smiling and drinking and celebrating your union. He is the opposite of what a loving spouse represents.

Talk to her, tell her you are still upset and hurt about last year and all that all she has confided to about her relationship. Tell her you don't want him at the wedding but explain that you don't want to make things difficult for her.

Invite her and her sister/friend but don't be offended if she takes his side and refuses to attend because you won't support her decisions.

MatildaTheCat · 11/02/2019 10:15

How extremely difficult. Unfortunately I agree with the poster above who points out that he might give her a very hard time about him being excluded and she will quite properly either not come or take a beating if she does.

Huge apologies, this should obviously read, ‘probably’ not ‘properly’.

WaroftheWorlds · 11/02/2019 10:16

There are two separate issues here. Your devotion and love to your friend and your desire not to have your wedding day (that I imagine you and your DP have spent time and money on for a day that is perfect for you) tainted by the presence of this monster.

I agree with PPs who essentially say the exclusion of him may result in her being indirectly excluded. This is not as simple as your wedding, your choice. Actions and choices have consequences, and this consequence may well be her not attending, or him taking out his upset at his exclusion on her.

In all honesty, I don't know if this is right, but I probably wouldn't exclude him for fear of it impacting her.

Abusers are not rational. He will not see his exclusion as something thst would make him think about his actions. There is a risk he will use it as a tool.

How incredibly difficult for you.

buttons101 · 11/02/2019 10:17

I wouldn't invite him, and YADNBU if you choose not to have him there.

ThinkIveFoundYourMarbles · 11/02/2019 10:17

Talk to her, tell her you are still upset and hurt about last year and all that all she has confided to about her relationship. Tell her you don't want him at the wedding but explain that you don't want to make things difficult for her.

This 100%.

lunicorn · 11/02/2019 10:18

I think you need to meet up with her for a serious chat about it.
Don't invite him, but do talk to her about why you're inviting her alone. Is there any way of having her at the wedding without him knowing it happened?

ashtrayheart · 11/02/2019 10:19

She has forgiven him because she is blinded by love, but you aren’t and do not have to invite him. And that’s how I would explain it to her. I agree that he might not let her go, but at least you aren’t then colluding with her that he’s a nice guy. I hope she can get away from him at some point.

Lovemusic33 · 11/02/2019 10:19

I think not inviting him could put her at risk, if she goes without him he could get angry with her?

It’s a hard situation. I had a friend like this once, I managed to get her away from him one night after he abused her, she went running back the next day and the abuse continued for years, she would just make excuses for him, in the end I couldn’t be around them at all, I was angry that she continued to allow this man to physically and mentally abuse her.