To not invite my best friend's partner to my wedding

[InTheBirdBox]

I have been friends with this woman since we were kids and we are just like sisters essentially.

She has been with her 'partner' for a number of years now.

I don't like using the word hate loosely but I hate this man. He has been emotionally abusive for years and late last year it turned physical.

My friend managed to break free for just enough time to message me quickly to ring the police which I did. I then rushed over. By the time I was there the police were there and he had fled. She was battered and bruised and honestly I could cry all over again remembering the state of her. It breaks my heart. I could kill him for what he did to my beautiful friend.

Fast forward to a few weeks later and like usual she forgave him and it's all happy families again. I know it's hard to leave when you're scared and I am there and supportive as much as I can be despite wanting to shake and beg her to get away from him.

I am getting married soon. Partners of friends are invited.

I do not want this disgusting specimen at my wedding. I don't want to see his face as he laughs and jokes with my friends and acts as if he isn't a monster.

But at the same time, I don't want to hurt my friend. She expects me to forget and forgive because she has. I also don't want to make it worse for her if she has to explain why I don't want him there.

I really don't know what to do for the best!

I'm afraid op it's likely you need to invite for her sake. I don't think you could live with yourself if he beat the shit out of her over it. Even though it wouldn't be your fault. You'd still feel it was.

However I'd ask her, ask if she wishes him invited and go with that.

I'm sorry I get this is horrible and it's your day, but you sound like you care about her, and aren't able to put her at risk,

I'm afraid op it's likely you need to invite for her sake. I don't think you could live with yourself if he beat the shit out of her over it. Even though it wouldn't be your fault. You'd still feel it was.

What if he beat her because she looked too much at one of the OP's guests? Or because the OP looked at him funny?

And I mean "because", not as an admissible reason.

I posted upthread saying don't invite him, talk to her and explain you werenstull very hurt by what happened last year and you don't what him at your wedding.

The more you post, the more I think you are a wonderful friend and the more I think you deserve a special day, without her choices encroaching on yours.

Others are right in saying he will always find an excuse to abuse that is what they do. What does you fiancée think about it? I am assuming he has seen how upset and hurt you have been over this.

She is at risk because she lives with him. (and, sadly, by leaving too, but hopefully, less)
Not because of any actions by other people.

My DP wishes that she wouldn't use me as her sounding board so much anymore because it really takes a toll sometimes and I get quite distressed about it (quite often she'll ring or text me to tell me about arguments/fights they've just had etc...). recently I can't shake the feeling I had last year driving to her house thinking what if she's dead when I get there so I get quite worried when she tells me things are happening.

He obviously feels for her and can't stand her partner although they haven't ever actually met. He says he doesn't ever want me to be around him at her house i.e. just me, her and her partner alone But of course, I'm his priority so he wants whatever is least stressful for me even if that were to mean having neither of them there, he'd be happy with that.

What if he beat her because she looked too much at one of the OP's guests? Or because the OP looked at him funny?

I do understand what you're saying, if he is going to do it' he will find w reason, but I'm talking about the ops peace of mind here. If she finds out he left her friend half dead because he wasn't invited it's highly unlikely the op will be able to emotionally detach and think well if it wasn't that it would have been something else.

It's shit, but it's right now trying to work out which scenario could impact the op the least.

You know the thing on a flights safety talk about putting your own oxygen mask on first well you need to do that her situation is stealing your oxygen it is draining you impacting your partner and that isn't fair you need to take care of you

No. If he beats her it's because he is an abusive bastard AND because she refuses to leave.
None of that is OPs fault.

And if she does tell OP that he beat her over the wedding she should ask her what she expects her to do about that.

Hi OP.

I can completely understand why you would not want to invite this man to your wedding. Imagine the thought of drama at your wedding alone was what first crossed my mind. So I get it and no one can judge you for even asking this question.

You sound like someone who really loves and respects your friend. I would want to keep that friendship intact and make sure my friend knew I was there for her. Theres a few issues and considerations to take into account before you make a final decision.

1. You are fully aware of your friends situation because she has confided in you and trusted you with her most personal problems. She may think your using that against her and even if she accepts that he cannot come, she may not tell you again when something is wrong as she will know you are judging her partner. Its always tricky in relationships and telling friends about issues from the relationship as the friend never forgets what happened once the couple have sorted their problems. Something like this will change your relationship with her depending on how she sees it and what stance she takes from only her being invited.

1. When is your wedding? Most couples plan a wedding over 1/2 years and send invites out like 3/4 months beforehand. If invites are going out soon then you may need to make an immediate decision. On the other hand, if they are not going out for a while then just leave it on the back burner for the moment and see what happens. I say this because they may split up before your wedding and there is no need to say anything to your friend about this until its really needed. If your wedding is 2 years away and lets say for example he changes or they have resolved all these problems and perfectly happy a year down the road and then you do not invite him because of something that happened a long time ago (in their eyes) then this may give your friend more reason to think your judging and trying to use your wedding to make her unhappy.

1. Is your friend a bridesmaid or maid of honour? If so then this may mean you have to invite him because a lot of effort will go into this role and its really unfair to exclude her partner (from her perspective). I get that there are very important reasons as to why (like I said you are right in what you are saying) but the other thing is that there may be other partners of friends attending your wedding that may be abusive, cheaters, controlling etc and you do not know this because you are not close to them or know their private lives.

1. Depending on how big your wedding actually is, even though its yours day on my wedding I wanted to make sure that guests were happy and enjoying themselves also. If there is like over 100 people there chances are you will not even speak to him at all and you will be inviting him for the sake of your friend that you love and care about! Like does he know anyone at the wedding or will be sat with people she doesn't know?

Lastly, OP if it was me (even though my husband is very loving) I would not attend a wedding of my best friend if she didn't invite my husband/partner. My husband is great but when we first got together we had problems and I confided in my best friend about this, if she used those previous problems against my husband now years later then I would find this very offensive.

It all comes down to how your friends relationship with her partner is at the moment, does she seem happy, does she complain still, is she still scared of him? If so then she may understand your reasoning but if she is so happy and feels their problems is in the past then she may just think your judging him. As you have been friends since you were kids I would just be careful.

If you do decide to not invite him then please have a conversation with her about it first. Do not send invites out without his name as that would be very upsetting for her I think.

What do you say when she messages?

Have you asked her what she's going to do about this?

What does she bring to the friendship?
It sounds like she brings an awful amount of negativity to your life. She is draining you, how much longer is your partner expected to put up with this?

Thanks DeadGirl.

My friend knows I don't like her partner, I do not hide it and she knows I do not condone his behavior at all. I haven't seen him since the altercation last year and she knows why. I make my excuses not to be around when he is etc... whether he is aware of why I don't come around I don't know.

I hear what you are saying about being offended if your husband wasn't invited for things he did 'years ago' but really... If he beat you to a pulp... would you expect people to forget that because it was ages ago? If he'd cheated years ago and he worked on it and they made it work I'd forgive, if he was an alcoholic and made the effort to work on his addiction I'd forgive. But I can't forgive the fact that he left my bruised and battered friend on the floor for me to find. I can't even begin to consider it because he is still abusing her to this day emotionally. Idon't care how long ago it was or if in years to come he seems a model person. You don't ever do that to someone.

Apart from listening to complaints, presumably you've signposted help for her such as Freedom Programme, counselling, Womens Aid, etc? If so, what's her reaction to this - is she willing to engage with any of it, or is there always a reason not to?

I've changed my view after your updates and now worry you might be enabling her instead of merely supporting. You're (very understandably) distressed, it's impacting on your DH and generally taking a toll - and far from making the least difference to the situation she's in, she's actually expecting you to pretend everything's fine

Frankly I think you've done enough, and as PPs have said, your upcoming wedding would be a good opportunity for her to put your needs first for a change. If you're as close as you say it might be worth putting this to her gently ... her response might well be a pointer for how to move forward

@InTheBirdBox

I understand and for me it was different, we just argued with our words and did not get along at times but we out grew that. I would suggest that you just have a chat with your friend then and ask her how she would feel if you did not invite him? Make it seem like you are putting the decision in her hands kind of and that way she will respect you more for being open about it.

Yes, I've suggested everything, I've even offered to ring them for her to get advice I can pass on if she doesn't feel she can. She did go to counselling once but never went back.

It's scary, it's as if she agrees with everything I say at the time. It's always the last time, she's always going to leave him and this is it, there's no going back now, she's going to speak to someone etc...

And then it's all over again and he apologises and he 'understands now', he 'knows he has problems and he's going to work on them'... But he never does. It's like she's in a trance and she can't see how she's doing a full circle over and over and over again.

If I'm being honest it's absolutely infuriating and some days I do just sigh and want to walk away.

Yes, I thought you'd say that OP

Are you happy to go on being used as a sounding board when there's no real intention of self-helping, or - having tried so long with no result - do you feel it's time to start thinking of your own needs too?

Honestly, I’d feel like I was condoning it by having him there.

I wouldn’t be afraid to say it either.

My best friend’s partner is an emotionally abusive prick.

I’ve told her he’s not welcome in my home and that I will see her alone but never the two of them together.

If she chooses to believe that I’m a bad friend because of that then so be it.

She knows I love her but I won’t condone their relationship.

Then tell her that you've heard it before! Ask her why the last time was the last time but she's still there!

This has been on YEARS!
Are you and DH planning on children?
How much more can you give her?

She is draining you! And he may be abusing her but that is all on her. She must see what she is doing to you! What sort of friend does this to their best friend for YEARs!!

I haven't read the thread, sorry, but my immediate reaction is not to invite either of them.

You would have to explain to her why she wasn't being invited, much as you would love her to be there, but that you don't want him at the wedding and that you don't want to give him a reason to stop her coming on her own.

This might risk the friendship, but it might also make her think about how her adherence to this horrible man is impacting on her life and friendships.

OP I’m going to be in this situation too in the next couple of years.

I still have the photos she sent me of her face to make sure they didn’t get lost.

My friend split up with him for what we thought was good but then after about 7 months got back together with him.

He’s never once made any attempt to apologise for what he done to her (he got her phone and was sending the rest of us horrible messages in our group chat and wouldn’t tell us where she was).

I don’t think I could have him there but like you am so worried about upsetting her and the conversation we will eventually have to have.

Let us know how you get on

I do understand what you're saying, if he is going to do it' he will find w reason, but I'm talking about the ops peace of mind here.

So was I. The OP could end up feeling guilty by inviting and by not inviting. Any situation could lead to him finding a reason to abuse her friend.
Best to keep in mind that the responsibility is his and his alone.

Mikewazowskismrs sorry to hear you're going to have to deal with this too! It's really tough!

I think this had to be her call. Ask her if you should just invite her (offer her a secret plus one that doesn't need to go on the invitation) or if she'd rather you can put him down. Awful situation but she needs to feel in control.

Is not the friends call at all!
Her friend has no right to expect Op to endanger her other guests!
This absolute wanker is a danger to everyone at that wedding! OP can not knowingly put him there.
It's horrific what he is putting her friend through but she can not expect others to subject themselves to that.

Oh my love, if she's MOH and you don't invite him, you have to be prepared that she won't show. How will that make you feel?

I think the suggestion of her being on top table is good though and put him right out of your eyeline. I'm so sorry, what a horrible situation for you both.