To not invite my best friend's partner to my wedding

[InTheBirdBox]

I have been friends with this woman since we were kids and we are just like sisters essentially.

She has been with her 'partner' for a number of years now.

I don't like using the word hate loosely but I hate this man. He has been emotionally abusive for years and late last year it turned physical.

My friend managed to break free for just enough time to message me quickly to ring the police which I did. I then rushed over. By the time I was there the police were there and he had fled. She was battered and bruised and honestly I could cry all over again remembering the state of her. It breaks my heart. I could kill him for what he did to my beautiful friend.

Fast forward to a few weeks later and like usual she forgave him and it's all happy families again. I know it's hard to leave when you're scared and I am there and supportive as much as I can be despite wanting to shake and beg her to get away from him.

I am getting married soon. Partners of friends are invited.

I do not want this disgusting specimen at my wedding. I don't want to see his face as he laughs and jokes with my friends and acts as if he isn't a monster.

But at the same time, I don't want to hurt my friend. She expects me to forget and forgive because she has. I also don't want to make it worse for her if she has to explain why I don't want him there.

I really don't know what to do for the best!

It's such a hard one - on the one hand, you don't want to make it more difficult for her and not inviting him could result in him trying to cut her off from your friendship or 'punishing' her for your failure to include him.

On the other hand, treating violent criminals as 'friends' in situations like this shows them that they can get away with what they are doing scot free. That they will be allowed to continue their normal lives even by those who know exactly what they are doing and be invited to join in at a ceremony celebrating love despite being the embodiment of everything that can go wrong in what should be a loving relationship.

I can understand that you don't want to be put in the position of being seen to condone his behaviour or 'forgive' him and I'm really sorry, because I'm completely torn on this and have no useful advice to give!

I feel for you OP. I am in exactly the same position with my friend and the peice of shit she is trapped sharing her life with. I don’t want him at my wedding, don’t want to see his face polluting my photos, don’t want to hear his snide remarks as we are enjoying our meal. Basically what I want is for him to conveniently drop dead sometime between now and June. It’s sadly unlikely, so for the sake of my friend we are all going to have to tolerate him. He is not a physical abuser, but every type of emotional and financial abuse and manipulation has been deployed. It breaks my heart that she is wasting the best years of her life on him. I drew to think How he would torture her if we don’t invite him to the wedding. It’s shit all round.

*dread to think

I invited my mum's abusive husband to my wedding. I didn't want to but the only outcomes I could see from not doing were,

1- he would stop her from coming and use it to drive her and me apart.
Or 2- she would defy him, come alone and be 'punished' for it afterwards. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy the day if I was worrying what was waiting for her when she got home.

I agree with a PP that there is no happy way out of your dilemma.

My ex was abusive, though not physically. I suspect that he was invited to my brother's wedding as they wanted me to go. I would never have been able to go without him.

He kicked off at the wedding anyway, and created a really bad atmosphere. I didn't really get to engage in the wedding at all.

Does your friend have to know that partners are invited? As in, do you have mutual friends?

You sound like a great friend, by the way! She is blessed to have you.

You don't have to invite him, but I absolutely think she will not come if he does not, because he will not allow her to.

I had this exact situation! My best friend and her boyfriend were always breaking up and he was just vile I hated him! Her whole family were invited to my wedding but I said to her look I'm really sorry I just can't have him there I just can't stand him, she was completely fine with it and by the time the wedding had come around they'd broken up again anyway!

YOu absolutely do not have to have him there, and he could ruin the atmosphere. If you can, have a chat with your friend about your feelings, she probably understands.

How about friend’s invite be written as friends name plus 1 guest.

Give the invite to friend and explain because of his past behaviour you will not condone it by writing his name but if it will be harder for her not to bring him so be it.

If she's your MOH, please talk to her and explain your thoughts on this. She needs to know that you don't judge her whatsoever and will be there as a safe place when she has the time to leave. She also needs to know without a shadow of a doubt how unacceptable her partner's actions are.

There are no easy answers here.

I did attend a friend's wedding where she had invited the violent partner of a bridesmaid, and they were on our table. She turned up with make up covering the bruises on her face, he didn't show up at all. She lied her way through the dinner about how unwell he was (we were all staying in the same place for two nights, so there was no way he was too ill to come say hi...).

My point being - you can't protect her purely by inviting him.

I can absolutely understand you not inviting him. But she won’t come either you know. He won’t let her.

Can you afford to invite more people. Would you be able to invite her and her close family (if they get on) and friends and him. Surround her with people who love her and get on with her. And hopefully the penny will drop. But please don’t put her in a position where she has to choose because either way she’ll loose. Or sit her on the top table and stick him on a table full of people who know he’s scum.

See I think all this talk of condoning his behaviour is high minded bollocks. Moral high ground v supportive friendship. I know which I'd choose.

The reality is your friend will suffer if you don't invite him. Best case scenario is she won't be allowed to attend, worst case is he takes it out on her and she gets a good kicking. Whichever way it goes he'll make it her fault because that's how abusive men operate.

So you have two choices as I see it. The first is to not invite him and spend your wedding day worrying about what he's doing/done to her. The other is to invite him so you know she's safe and put in place measures to contain his behaviour.

Not an easy choice but I know which I'd make.

Invite her round. Get lots of cake in, buy her flowers then talk to her from the bottom of your heart. Be very honest and tell you love her but you simply can't move on from this and can't have this man at your wedding.

Hopefully she'll understand and come anyway. Maybe this will be the last straw and she'll get rid of him! But be prepared that she may be upset and not come at all.

Whatever her reaction, don't stop being there for her. You sound like a great friend OP

I’m not going to be popular here, I don’t think you should invite either and I think you should step away from your friend. You can’t help her, I understand that you want to help her but it’s a fine line to walk between support and enabling.

He’s not just abusing her he’s abusing everyone who loves her. And, in a very real way, she’s aiding and abetting him in doing it. Not consciously or maliciously, but she is.

Right now she has you, and probably others, all tippy-toeing around so as not to anger him and make things worse for her. You have the constant worry if she’s ok; you’re always waiting for the 3 am phone call to rush to her side perhaps in a & e and now, you have to plan how best not to rouse the beast over your wedding ffs?

It’s draining and stressful and no way to live. Been there, done it for years I was you. I finally wound up in court prepared to testify as a witness to the abuse and my friend never forgave me, you won’t believe the amount of emotional blackmail she put me under to withdraw my statement. She wanted to drop the charges and the cops said they’d prosecute anyway. In the end he pleaded guilty so I didn’t have to testify, he did a few months inside, she took him back when he got out.

Took me a long time to realize I was endangering my own emotional health with concern for her while they were, as you said, all ‘ happy families’. While it was hard, I had to distance myself while making sure she knew I would leave the door open for when she was finally ready.

Your friend is the only one who can help herself here and until she walks away there is nothing anyone else can do but be there ready to help her pick up the pieces.

Going through a somewhat similar issue.
I wouldn't invite him.

I don't think you should even contemplate inviting him. There is no way on earth I'd include him to keep the peace for her - that's just enabling his abuse even more.

Invite her, and let her make the choice.

Just as she's making the choice to stay with an abuser.

I completely understand that you wouldn’t want this absolute peice of work at your wedding, OP. However, I would be concerned that his lack of invite could make things very difficult for your BF. I can’t imagine him merrily waving her off to your wedding for the day and not giving her a hard time about it. If I were you I would grit my teeth and invite the bastard - for the sake of your friend if nothing else.

Unfortunately I agree with this. What an awful situation though. I hope your friend finds the strength to get away from him some day

As much as I would hate someone like that to be at my wedding, I would just invite him. The 'consequences' of him not getting an invite will most likely be taken out on her.
She may even fall out with you for not inviting him as she has already said 'forgive and forget' - which btw I think is ridiculous. It's a hard situation and I suppose talking to your friend is the only way to know how to go about it really. Whatever happens I hope you and your friend stay on good terms and she gets away from that guy soon!

I agree with other posters. Talk this over with your friend and ask what she prefers you do. Not inviting him will not, after all, affect his behaviour in the slightest. As far as he is concerned he does not need your approval. After all his partner causes him to assault her — its all her fault, not his, ( his point of view, not mine!)
So give your dear BF a chance to share your big day.
Hopefully the day is approaching when she will feel able to leave him for good.

Invite him then put him at a table of your biggest scariest friends? Do you maybe know a rugby team? A Biker gang? Or a squad of marines?

Keep her separate from him with all her MOH duties all day, and think of all the chances you can to get her away from him for hen nights, dress fittings, decoration making etc, even if its all lies, and stage an intervention. Give her every chance you can.

I did this. Invited my friend and her husband. Before the wedding she told me that he was physically abusive, and she was having an affair, and she'd decide on the day who she was bringing.

I said that wasn't happening, she never turned up, we never spoke again.

I agree with WarpedGalaxy.

I think this from another PP is key here:
'treating violent criminals as 'friends' in situations like this shows them that they can get away with what they are doing scot free. That they will be allowed to continue their normal lives even by those who know exactly what they are doing'

Inviting him is essentially playing along with his hold on her, allowing it, perhaps, to extend a little bit more.

if she doesn't come that is heartbreaking for her and very sad for you, but she needs to understand that everyone around her won't go on supporting this 'relationship' and treating it as if it's normal.

Talk to her. Tell her you love her and want her there but you just cannot invite him.

I made the decision, rightly or wrongly, to invite as I love her more than I hate him.

With pp - don't invite him and accept that she may not come. For me the lack of invites for my abusive ex was one of many hitches in my fantasy bubble of 'oh he is ok really'. Once you have too many of these, you have no option but to see the relationship through other people's eyes. And then, hopefully, there is still time to get out. I know this will be painful for you and her, but you will be doing her a favour in the long run, especially if you convey the message with love.