To not invite my best friend's partner to my wedding

[InTheBirdBox]

I have been friends with this woman since we were kids and we are just like sisters essentially.

She has been with her 'partner' for a number of years now.

I don't like using the word hate loosely but I hate this man. He has been emotionally abusive for years and late last year it turned physical.

My friend managed to break free for just enough time to message me quickly to ring the police which I did. I then rushed over. By the time I was there the police were there and he had fled. She was battered and bruised and honestly I could cry all over again remembering the state of her. It breaks my heart. I could kill him for what he did to my beautiful friend.

Fast forward to a few weeks later and like usual she forgave him and it's all happy families again. I know it's hard to leave when you're scared and I am there and supportive as much as I can be despite wanting to shake and beg her to get away from him.

I am getting married soon. Partners of friends are invited.

I do not want this disgusting specimen at my wedding. I don't want to see his face as he laughs and jokes with my friends and acts as if he isn't a monster.

But at the same time, I don't want to hurt my friend. She expects me to forget and forgive because she has. I also don't want to make it worse for her if she has to explain why I don't want him there.

I really don't know what to do for the best!

Really difficult, as I agree with others that he might stop her coming. Could you not have this conversation with her ? Let her know you love her and can't cope with the memory of seeing her after the police were called, so just can't have him there. Check that she will still come ?

I don't understand how the state cannot stand in and prosecute under these circumstances. She is in an abusive relationship and quite literally has diminished responsibility for herself. He is going to kill her. Why can't he be imprisoned for beating her? This makes me so angry for your poor friend, and the thousands of other women in her position.
I totally agree with this though. I've wondered for decades why it is it needs the victim to be in a strong enough place, psychologically, to agree to take the arbitrator to court, when the police have witnessed the situation at the time. Maybe 30 years ago when less was understood about domestic abuse and what a big factor EA is, but in this day and age, it stuns me arbitrators can't be taken to court for what they do because the victim is under their 'control'.

This really is a tough call, I feel for you.

I’ve had two friends on separate occasions (nothing as important as a wedding) insist that invite their abusive OH because they will get the flack for it if I don’t. So I reluctantly agreed. However I’m getting married next year and although neither friend is still in the same relationship, if they were and asked for their respective OHs to be invited again I think I would refuse. I would also find it hard to accept that it means they may not come either. I think the best thing to do is speak to your friend and explain how you are feeling and see what she says. I hope it works out and you don’t have to have the scumbag there on your special day.

I would tell her you will not have him at your wedding and let her decide. If he will take it out on her, she’ll know better than you. She will chose to step down as maid of honour.

She’s choosing him over your friendship and it’s her choice to make. Being her friend doesn’t mean you must be forced to have a violent and abusive man at your wedding.

I see someone else mentioned it too - top table. I've attached a traditional seating plan. There are variations but MH - without partner - would definitely be at it. Don't discuss it with her. She then doesn't have to hide it from him and if it's mentioned, "it's traditional" (and either you're doing a traditional wedding, or you're not but "fancied a bit of tradition").

Our mutual friends don't really know the full situation though they know parts. Me and her sister are the only ones she properly confides in.

Would they question you if she weren't there?
Would they ask her why she wasn't going?

I had a near identical situation. She was my bridesmaid. Sadly she couldn't get over it so she pulled out and didn't come to the wedding. We tried to patch the friendship up but it didn't work. We haven't spoken in over a year, think the friendship is dead and buried sadly.

I wouldn't change the decision we made though.

This is the one day in your life that is about your and your DH to be. It’s a day to celebrate your love and spent with friends and loved ones. It’s not a Wife Beater social club. I would not invite him. Put yourself first on that day.

I would never forgive myself if something happened to her because I didn't invite him.

If it did, it would be
a) because of him
b) because she took him back.

For him, there will always be reasons for him to beat her or abuse her in other ways.
But you, and we as society, can make our point clear that we do not want to socialise with such people.

Adding to my post, you have been an amazing friend and supported her. But this one day is not about her. And it is the one occasion, she can actually repay your kindness and friendship by being there for you and not putting you in this horrible awkward position. I’m so sorry to sound callous but her being a victim does not mean everyone else has to walk on egg shells and do the same around him.

Yes they would definitely question why she wasn't there. We are known to be incredibly close and have been since we were young. Most people would be confused it she weren't there.

I'm going to have to try and speak to her properly and see where she is. It may be that she isn't expecting an invite for him for all I know.

I'd tell them why. And I'd be upfront about it with her, if the question ever arose.

The silence helps the abusers.

Hoe stay if they asked I'd be honest. Tell them about the phone call, about the state she was in and that you couldn't risk your guest safety by inviting him and that unfortunately she chose him.

The more people around her who know what's happening the better.

This man is violent. Get a few drinks in him who's to say he doesn't turn on one of your loved ones. Does your husband know? Because if I were him I'd be taking this section out of your hands and be saying he will not be at the wedding.

You are an amazing friend. But you can't care more about her safety than she does.

He will find some excuse to be violent towards her, no matter what you do.

Don't invite her? He beats her because he thinks everyone knows or hates that her friends think they are better than him.

Do invite her? He beats her because she wasn't glued to his side all evening, someone looked at him funny, she smiled and said thanks to a waiter...

He is an abuser and he will use ANY excuse to continue. You cannot stop it.

I have been in her position and I would still say don't invite him.

He’s an abuser and he will hit her no matter what. It won’t be your fault. It will be his. Her situation sounds terrible and you’re a good friend but this is your wedding. Don’t let your wedding day be about their relationship.

A friend invited a couple where the man was abusing the woman to her wedding. After one too many beers he started shouting at his partner outside calling her a slut and a whore in front of loads of people. My friend thinks they ruined her wedding. Logically she know it wasn’t the woman’s fault but she’s still bitter about it.

What does your husband to be think about this? Is he aware of your dilemma?

She expects me to forget and forgive because she has....I also don't want to make it worse for her if she has to explain why.....I don't want to make this worse for her.....I would never forgive myself if something happened to her because I didn't invite him

There's a fine line between supporting someone and enabling them.
You are now at that junction.

YOU are not responsible for her situation - SHE is.
Yes she's a victim.....yes it can be hard to leave....but she is still responsible for her own choices and actions.
She's choosing to keep him in her life.
If anything happens to her then only her and her abuser are accountable....and he will abuse her no matter what

She wants you and everyone else to play the game and enable her to keep him in her life.
She wants you to act like everything about him and what he's doing to her is normal.
By inviting him anywhere you send both of them the message that his behaviour is acceptable and that he is untouchable.
He gets more opportunities to play Nice Guy in public whilst still being abusive.

Without risking sounding selfish, I'm so emotionally drained by all of this. Not just the physical side I witnessed last year but the things she tells me he has and continues to do
You do know it's ok to have boundaries?
You can leave your door open for her - whilst refusing to be a sounding board for the abuse....that doesn't make you selfish.
Maybe she needs to see you be strong enough to say no to him, to stand up to him or to refuse to tolerate being drawn into the abusive dynamic?

My worry is that she'll stop talking about it. I don't want her to feel like she can't tell me these things.

Its as if the abuse extends to us though. Obviously not to the extent my friend experiences it but I've spent nights crying to DP about what he's done, not knowing what to do for the best, times like now when instead of being excited about my wedding I'm worried about this.

It's so difficult but I really don't want to make her feel like she can't tell me. Surely it's better that she's talking about what he's doing rather than keeping it to herself?

I'm going to have to talk to her. It's not a secret that I dislike him, she knows I do and she isn't daft but she may well be expecting me to tolerate him for the day because he's her 'partner'. I need to find out.

I was in a similar situation. Thankfully no violence involved but my friends husband is a prolific cheat and emotionally abusive to the point she had a breakdown. I refused to have him at my wedding. It was horribly awkward, I told her I understood if it meant she couldn’t attend but that I wouldn’t have the happiest day of my life ruined by the inevitable rage I would feel if I saw his twattish face as I walked down the aisle. She understood and came without him.

Surely it's better that she's talking about what he's doing rather than keeping it to herself?

But she may be using you to unload her emotional charge, passing all the stress to you, while feeling relieved at having confided in someone.

I really don't know if it's better that she keeps talking about it without doing something about it.

Breaking the silence should lead to action. There's no point in being an emotional raft for abused people if it allows the abuse to continue.

With my friend, the conversations tend to be geared towards "what are you going to do about it?"
I've stopped talking to my friend's husband, and I refuse to invite both to my home. I'm also not getting drawn into her dramas. She can contact me when she wants. I'm not even the only one she confides in.
I suspect you'll find that your friend has also confided in other people who aren't talking about it, because it's a secret. Meanwhile, she keeps the drama going.

I'm saying this as a victim of domestic violence myself. When I spoke out it was for action, not sympathy.

@Inthebirdbox You sound like a lovely friend to have and are being fantastic to your friend but this is your big day and harsh as it sounds she needs to understand this. By all means invite her but you cannot have a man like him there. You will spend your day on tenterhooks just wondering when (not if) it is going to kick off. That is no way to spend your wedding day - for once it needs to be all about you and if your friend is a real friend she will understand this.

You really need to speak to her he is making you dread your own wedding tell her that you don't like him will never like him and what does she want you to do about the wedding be firm .

I would ask her. Tell her if she doesn’t want him there you can work some reason but if she does then you sadly should be inviting him only to keep her close.

By not inviting him it could cause issues and unfortunately as others have said probably another beating. Either that or you will see her being distanced from yourself by this sorry excuse for air

No OP, she chooses to tolerate him, that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate him on what’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life.

This one day isn’t about her.

The more you post about it the more my mind is being changed about it you need to let some of her drama go over your head .

As a previous poster said, the choice to abuse your friend is one that her partner makes, and he will find an excuse for it whatever you do.

She might get a hard time if she comes and he isn't invited.

She'l probably get a hard time if he comes too- she'll doubtless be accused of drinking too much, or flirting, or not paying him enough attention. Or he won't let her come along to any part of the pre-wedding arrangements.

If neither of them come, she'll probably get a hard time anyway- she'll probably be accused of telling you about their business.

My point is that you can't second-guess violent abusers. For as long as this man is in your friend's life he will make it his business to find a reason to hurt her, and it will be his fault, not yours. Given that this will happen regardless, there's little point in inviting him so that he can be vile at your wedding.

Your idea of not sending an actual invite as she is a maid of honour so doesn't need one might well be a diplomatic way of dodging the issue. And you never know, if she does make it there without him it might move her a bit further along the path.