To not invite my best friend's partner to my wedding

[InTheBirdBox]

I have been friends with this woman since we were kids and we are just like sisters essentially.

She has been with her 'partner' for a number of years now.

I don't like using the word hate loosely but I hate this man. He has been emotionally abusive for years and late last year it turned physical.

My friend managed to break free for just enough time to message me quickly to ring the police which I did. I then rushed over. By the time I was there the police were there and he had fled. She was battered and bruised and honestly I could cry all over again remembering the state of her. It breaks my heart. I could kill him for what he did to my beautiful friend.

Fast forward to a few weeks later and like usual she forgave him and it's all happy families again. I know it's hard to leave when you're scared and I am there and supportive as much as I can be despite wanting to shake and beg her to get away from him.

I am getting married soon. Partners of friends are invited.

I do not want this disgusting specimen at my wedding. I don't want to see his face as he laughs and jokes with my friends and acts as if he isn't a monster.

But at the same time, I don't want to hurt my friend. She expects me to forget and forgive because she has. I also don't want to make it worse for her if she has to explain why I don't want him there.

I really don't know what to do for the best!

No. If he beats her it's because he is an abusive bastard AND because she refuses to leave. None of that is OPs fault. And if she does tell OP that he beat her over the wedding she should ask her what she expects her to do about that

Jesus, what's wrong with you?,have you no empathy, no friends, no one you care about? You simply cannot perceive caring about someone like the op does?

No one said it would be her fault, what was said was she would blame herself, and she's clearly not going to say to her friend, "what do you expect me to do about that" in the face of her beaten and bloodied friend.

And your subsequent posts are shocking. I can't even begin to address your lack of comprehension and empathy for thr op.

@Bluntness100 This has been going on YEARS!!
The Op is now destroying her own health, potentially damaging her own MH and by the sounds of it her DH is getting a little pissed off (as he should)

Whatever the Op has tried (and God she has tried) hasn't worked. So allowing the friend to continue to unload on her is just enabling her without any accountability.
Why should this friend be allowed to keep having this horrible affect on OP?!

To the point she is thinking about ruining her wedding day and endangering her guests to keep her friend happy and this abuser appeased?!

At some point the friend needs to face the facts. She can't keep chipping away at the OP. She needs to realise that she holds the cards. No one can help her but her.

What is so wrong with asking her what action she is going to take to stop this conundrums cycle that has been going on YEARS!
At what point does Op put herself first?!
If not her wedding day then when?!

Contraception, I don't disagree your points, but you are missing rhe nuance,

The op has been friends with this woman since they were kids.she is her maid of honour. She cares about her deeply.

And yes it's easy to say walk away and turn your back. But she's not going to do that. So then it's about finding the solution

Not inviting him can lead to her not coming, but more than that, it can lead to him using it as an excuse to beat her friend, in fact it's likely he will.

The op is unlikely to take that news and accept its not her fault. Because she loves and cares for this woman.

As such, the solution may well be to invite him. I don't believe he is a danger to the other guests, he is a danger to her friend, the typical cowardly piece of shit who beats women and then does exactly what the op describes in her initial post, runs for it when he thinks he will be held accountable.

So this isn't about the friend, it's not even about him, it's about what is best for the op. That's the nuance. And turning her back isn't an option.

And inviting him could put someone innocent at risk.
The friend is choosing to stay, she has the support, she has had the links to women's aid etc.

At this point if she chooses him over being her Best friends MOH then that's on her.

He doesn't need a reason to beat her.
I'm not trying to find a solution for Op

I want her to see that there is only so much she can give and at this moment her friend is sucking the life out of her.

And for this one day after everything the OP has done for her. Her friend should put the OP first.
And if she doesn't I'd see this 'friendship' as very one way.

You are between the devil and the deep blue sea here. My initial reaction was don't invite him but reading other posters replies I can see that isn't a good idea.

Where is your wedding, are you getting married locally or going away? I wonder if you could invite her to stay over the night before as part of the bridal party so she is with you getting ready beforehand. I think I'd be totally honest with her and say he is invited to the wedding and reception for her benefit. Tell her if he isn't keen on coming not to persuade him.

Chat to your fiance and put in place a strategy to remove him if there is any problem. Do you have anyone coming to the wedding who could deal with him?

@Contraceptionismyfriend Your victim-blaming nonsense is incredibly offensive.

I opened this post expecting to see some kind of excuse about not really knowing the partner or “restrictions on numbers from the venue” and ready to say YWBU but having read the post YA def NBU. Don’t invite him.

Yes, your friend is in an abusive relationship. But she is ultimately an adult and you should not compromise your wedding day because of her choices.

This. And to be honest, I would not invite either of them. The whole situation has got trouble written all over it.

It's not bloody victim blaming to ask where the line between supporting and enabling comes in FFs!

Again YEARS! So being the supportive shoulder to cry on hasn't worked. He could kill her! Statistics show he probably will!

But OP can't keep giving what she doesn't have!
How much more distressed does OP have to become before it's Ok to tell the friend that the ball is in her court?

If I was OPs fiancé I'd tell the friend myself her partner wasn't invited and I'd also start expecting OP to not be on demand 24/7

I do agree that he make things awful for the friend. But ultimately if it’s not this it will be something else. He’ll always have an “excuse” to abuse her. It’s not going to end unless she somehow finds the strength to leave and inviting him to the wedding or not isn’t going to change that.

This is so tough for you. I think you need to have a very open conversation with her about how you see him. It may help her see that their fiction of being a happy normal couple is not sustainable.

I would not invite him. People like him thrive on the pretence that he is normal. He isn't. he beat his wife up a few months ago. If he had beaten up a stranger in the street and got away with it by intimidating the witness, would you invite him to your wedding? There is nothing different between that and him beating his wife. I hate the way violence that happens between partners is treated differently to other violence. The victim may need different support but the abuser/criminal/violent thug is committing the same crime.

I would not have someone like him at my wedding and I don't buy the "you must invite him for fear he takes it out on her". He could show up at the wedding, not like her dress, and take it out on her. He could beat her up because he doesn't like going to weddings. Who knows? What I do know is that if he does beat her or abuse her it will be HIS CHOICE - not his wife's not the OPs. His choice.

As is clear, OP, you can't control anything about this situation. All you can control is your own life and choices. If you are happy with having an abusive criminal at your wedding - well no problem. but you aren't happy with it. If I were you I would sit with my friend and say "I'm looking forward to you being my MOH but I must tell you right now that I will not be inviting your husband. I cannot forget or forgive what he did to you and I do not want him at this important day".

To be fair, I don't think anyone's said that OP should turn her back - only to perhaps step back a little to protect herself and to consider whether her support has become enablement

OP, would it be worth telling her gently that you simply don't have the skills to deal with this and that only the professionals are likely to be able to help? Maybe you could reference the many times she's said "enough" and then gone back to underline this, also explaining the stress she's putting you under?

I would step back from this if it's dragging you down. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

It's just too easy to say walk away, turn your back on her, tell her to let the proffesionals deal with it,

But it takes a hard heart to do it and it is crucifyingly hard to do so when it's someone you love and care for. To say, yeah he's going to half kill you but I can't help you any more, and it's your own fault for staying.

And to ask the op to do that at her own wedding, is lacking any empathy.

But yes she needs to ultimately do it, but I doubt she can do it to prioritise her wedding, even the hardest will struggle with that. That doesn't mean it's right, just it's human to struggle to do what some here are suggesting,

Nobody has said to walk away!!! We are telling OP to set some firm and fair boundaries!

It's not lacking empathy. You're pulling that out of thin air.

Does this friend have children?
Because if she does I put money on that changing the tone of this thread.

I wouldn't invite him under any circumstances. I'm even torn on whether to invite her, TBH. At this point, you are enabling her, rather than supporting her.

If I was a another guest, and I discovered that you'd invited a known wife beating scumbag like him, I'd judge you for it.

Firstly, it'd come across that you were condoning his behaviour.

Secondly, what guarantee can you provide that he wouldn't assault another guest, especially after he's had a few alcoholic drinks? The answer is that you can't guarantee the guests' safety, therefore you are willingly putting other guests at risk.

No, I wouldn't invite him.

Whether he comes, or not, he will still find a reason to abuse her on the day.

He will pick a fight with her, at the wedding, if he's there.

Don't invite him.

If you invite him because you're scared of his reaction if you don't, you're sort of acting like your friend and giving in to him. No way would I invite this shithead, can you do what a pp suggested and invite her with another friend or relative?

Thank you all for your opinions/comments, I appreciate them all!

I wouldnt invite either of them. Firstly he wouldnt set foot anywhere near me and I wouldnt him to be close to any family and friends.
And as for your friend, I understand you want to be there but I think it's also time you take a stand for what you believe is right. She drew you in to her situation and involved you, so you do have a say in her life. Shes asking you to accept something that's unacceptable to you. She needs to know where you stand.

Thanks, I will definitely be inviting my friend. I hear what some of you are saying re stepping back for my own sake but I do definitely want her there, I wouldn't not invite her.

It's a very difficult situation OP, sounds like no matter what you choose, it will have a downside to it :( I hope your friend, someday, finds the courage to get away

I hope it all goes ok for you

@InTheBirdBox are you married yet OP? :) what did you decide?