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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite my best friend's partner to my wedding

175 replies

InTheBirdBox · 11/02/2019 09:52

I have been friends with this woman since we were kids and we are just like sisters essentially.

She has been with her 'partner' for a number of years now.

I don't like using the word hate loosely but I hate this man. He has been emotionally abusive for years and late last year it turned physical.

My friend managed to break free for just enough time to message me quickly to ring the police which I did. I then rushed over. By the time I was there the police were there and he had fled. She was battered and bruised and honestly I could cry all over again remembering the state of her. It breaks my heart. I could kill him for what he did to my beautiful friend.

Fast forward to a few weeks later and like usual she forgave him and it's all happy families again. I know it's hard to leave when you're scared and I am there and supportive as much as I can be despite wanting to shake and beg her to get away from him.

I am getting married soon. Partners of friends are invited.

I do not want this disgusting specimen at my wedding. I don't want to see his face as he laughs and jokes with my friends and acts as if he isn't a monster.

But at the same time, I don't want to hurt my friend. She expects me to forget and forgive because she has. I also don't want to make it worse for her if she has to explain why I don't want him there.

I really don't know what to do for the best!

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 11/02/2019 12:49

I’d invite him, then I’d poison the fucker. I'd get the biggest scariest fuckers I knew to do something really fucking terrifying to him. Having lived through abuse, I'm pretty clear on my feelings about it happening to loved ones.

Bluelady · 11/02/2019 12:54

@Andistillsaid, the reverse side of what you say is that by not inviting him, OP would give him a stick to beat her with. It's a lose/lose situation either way. The best outcome is damage limitation.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/02/2019 13:00

She expects me to forget and forgive because she has

I understand how hard this is for you, but given the extreme violence I'm afraid I don't think she should expect this. It's right that you stand by her, but while I wouldn't go on about what he's done, actively pretending everything's fine would be too much for me

If he can be trusted to behave in public I'd probably invite him to avoid more problems for your friend, but I'd be making it very clear that you'll have nothing to do with him on the day

Given all the support you offer, I believe she owes you at least that without any "yes, buts ..."

MistressDeeCee · 11/02/2019 13:08

I couldnt invite him

See how much time is spent around considering and accommodating abusers. I do understand why but it's so wrong, even if it's to 'save' a friend. nobody at all can guarantee that if he is invited that will prevent him hitting her. He may feel slighted at the wedding, and then what?

If he doesn't beat her that day then he'll do it another day anyway.

I absolutely wouldn't want him there, furthermore it would sicken me to see him being introduced to, talking and joking with female relatives in particular. & Would you even want to introduce this piece of shit man to your spouse..?

I love my best friend - but not to the point of spoiling my special day and event because her man lays hands on women. I wouldn't even want to look at him.

& you do know if you invite them but ignore him, there'll be a row when they get home anyway and that could still lead to violence.

You cannot prevent his violence.

Have a chat with her and let her know why you won't be inviting him. Hopefully she can still come with someone else. If not well then, at least you will have been honest, and also true to yourself. & Won't have to worry about him mingling with your friends and relatives, being in your wedding photos etc

DobbyLovesSocks · 11/02/2019 13:11

If she is in the bridal party. does she need a formal invite? I don't think I 'invited' my bridesmaids and best man as we had already chosen outfits and sorted out accommodation before we sent out the formal invites so their attendance was a given.
She has already agreed to be your MOH so you could say that you are not sending invites to bridal party which will negate need for you to include/not include her partner on the invite.

We had a similar situation with some of DH's family who decided to decline our invitation (long running family feud ) so we told venue that no invite= no entry in case of trouble

Ginger1982 · 11/02/2019 13:13

This is tough.

On the one hand, you don't want him there and why should you wine and dine the bastard? On the other hand, he may stop her coming so you would lose your MOH and you may spend the day worrying about what is happening to her at home when you should be focused just on you and your husband. If they are both there, at least you know she is safe for that time.

So, so hard Thanks

Howdoidothis4eva · 11/02/2019 13:14

The risk you take with excluding him is that he gets angry and takes this 'slight' as another excuse to hurt your friend.

Whisky2014 · 11/02/2019 13:16

There's no way id be inviting, paying for and entertaining an abuser. Fuck that.
Id invite her only and explain why.

Haffiana · 11/02/2019 13:17

Agree with PPs. Tell her that you support her utterly and part of that support is that you will not enable her in treating her abusive relationship as normal.

Sometimes people really need to know that what they are enduring is not normal and would not be accepted by other people. It can really help.

Whisky2014 · 11/02/2019 13:17

But its not fair to basically say, if the friend gets hurt it's ops fault. It's not. It's the abuser. And the fucking friend should leave him!

BarbarianMum · 11/02/2019 13:23

I wouldnt invite him, I wouldnt want to normalise his abuse of her by including him in my social circle. If he wants to harm her, he will. He doesn't need a non-invite to your wedding to give him a reason. If she wants to choose her relationship with him over normal life, over you, over your wedding she can. All you can do is be there for her if she one day decides to choose something else.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/02/2019 13:29

I know you don’t want him there. I get it. However I think you do need to invite him. For her sake. Giving her the choice of whether or not he comes is good. Giving him the option of just coming in the evening as she will be really busy is a great idea. But beyond all else if he comes:

  • have 3 guys to act as bouncers
  • give the photographer a photo of him and say he’s to be excluded wherever possible
  • designate someone or a few women, who can take care of her if it all kicks off

Dh and I ended up looking after a bridesmaid at a wedding years ago. They had a screaming match in the room, he’d then taken his stuff and driven off. She chased after him in the car park and fell over in the dark and has a nasty wound on her head. Dh and I decided to call an ambulance. They patched her up and left. All bloody night long I stayed with her calming and counselling her in a freezing cold room. No thanks from the b&g or the woman or her bf. Ffs.

So yes, you need someone, who actually knows her, not some poor unsuspecting wedding guests, who have a day of travelling and returning to a different country the following day as we did.

Howdoidothis4eva · 11/02/2019 13:30

I didn't mean it like that, I actually think because of this risk she shouldn't invite her friend either, as although it's obviously not OP's fault if something happens, I'm sure she'd still feel guilty.

Travisandthemonkey · 11/02/2019 13:38

Abusers thrive on secrecy.
By making it clear to her that you will not invite him because of his actions you hopefully will slowly make her realise that this life isn’t normal and other people aren’t going to brush it under the carpet.

I know she’s your MOH. But it might actually make her slightly realise that this is not a normal relationship and that other people see him for who he is.

Right now she’s pretending it’s all ok and has probably persuaded herself that all is forgotten and forgiven.
She needs to know it isn’t.

And if he does something to her, that’s because he is an abuser. Not because of anything you or her have done

MikeUniformMike · 11/02/2019 14:05

She is your MOH and he's not invited? I would say that the message there is you don't like him.

TheWernethWife · 11/02/2019 14:06

Do not under any circumstances invite him to your wedding, can't believe PPs are saying let him come. The man is a violent twat and has abused your friend. Don't reward his bad behaviour by hiding it, let others know why he's not invited. I bet he'd run a mile from a large bloke who'd knock seven shades of shit out of him.

Original poster
InTheBirdBox · 11/02/2019 14:08

Thanks all for your opinions. I'm going to have to think long and hard about this.

Without risking sounding selfish, I'm so emotionally drained by all of this. Not just the physical side I witnessed last year but the things she tells me he has and continues to do.

Of course it's nothing like being there like she is but I invest so much love and support in helping her through the tough times, it's incredibly hard to stomach watching her go back and feeling like I have to just say nothing until it happens again.

I would never forgive myself if something happened to her because I didn't invite him.

As she is my MOH perhaps i just don't formally invite and see if she brings it up?

OP posts:
Original poster
InTheBirdBox · 11/02/2019 14:08

MikeUniformMike I wouldn't care if he dropped dead tomorrow no.

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 11/02/2019 14:18

He may not allow her to come. And that's awful.

But this is not her day. It's yours. You can't have him there. You can't go through seeing him mingling with your friends and family. Seeing him laughing and joking at your literal expense.
She is choosing to stay and she needs to be the one to leave.

Say to her you want her there, you love her but he will not be near your wedding and that you will never accept him.

She needs to then choose who she wants.

And to be honest If she didn't come and people would ask why I don't think I'd be able to keep my mouth shut that unfortunately her abusive significant other didn't allow her to.

Nogoodusername · 11/02/2019 14:22

I completely understand how you feel, but would caution that the person who will lose out in this scenario is your friend - he will make her choose, will play the victim that you are excluding him, and would punish her for even considering going to your wedding. I’ve been there - I had to swallow my absolute hatred because I didn’t want to let him succeed in alienating her from all her friends

MrsJayy · 11/02/2019 14:23

This sounds tough I know you love her but you might need to step back a little or just tell her how you feel as awful as her situation is you can be her friiend without her dumping on you.

SaturdayNext · 11/02/2019 14:23

I know you don’t want him there. I get it. However I think you do need to invite him. For her sake.

No, OP absolutely doesn't need to invite him. It's her wedding, there is no reason whatsoever why she should feel obliged to ask an abusive arsehole to be present on one of the most important days of her life. If friend is at risk as a result, who knows, it might just be the turning point when she realises that a relationship where she is in danger is one she needs to get out of immediately.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 11/02/2019 14:25

And if she does choose to stay with him then that is a choice she makes. It's awful and I understand it's apart of the abuse but until she is willing to make the move the OP can not hand over her wedding day to him!

GiveMeFiveMinutes · 11/02/2019 14:26

Do your other friends know what he did?

It could potentially cause a massive drama if they know what he has done, things will likely be said after everyone has had a few drinks. It has the potential to end up being a very nasty scene.

GiveMeFiveMinutes · 11/02/2019 14:30

*if you were to invite him.