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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite my best friend's partner to my wedding

175 replies

InTheBirdBox · 11/02/2019 09:52

I have been friends with this woman since we were kids and we are just like sisters essentially.

She has been with her 'partner' for a number of years now.

I don't like using the word hate loosely but I hate this man. He has been emotionally abusive for years and late last year it turned physical.

My friend managed to break free for just enough time to message me quickly to ring the police which I did. I then rushed over. By the time I was there the police were there and he had fled. She was battered and bruised and honestly I could cry all over again remembering the state of her. It breaks my heart. I could kill him for what he did to my beautiful friend.

Fast forward to a few weeks later and like usual she forgave him and it's all happy families again. I know it's hard to leave when you're scared and I am there and supportive as much as I can be despite wanting to shake and beg her to get away from him.

I am getting married soon. Partners of friends are invited.

I do not want this disgusting specimen at my wedding. I don't want to see his face as he laughs and jokes with my friends and acts as if he isn't a monster.

But at the same time, I don't want to hurt my friend. She expects me to forget and forgive because she has. I also don't want to make it worse for her if she has to explain why I don't want him there.

I really don't know what to do for the best!

OP posts:

dworky · 11/02/2019 10:20

Don't invite him to your wedding, you don't need an excuse.

When you say she has forgiven him, she hasn't but she simply cannot see a way out yet. This is typical of abused, traumatised women. Please remain supportive and offer her practical advice when you can. She really needs you.

abbsisspartacus · 11/02/2019 10:21

Exclude them both tell her to her face why tell your friends too put simply you do not want him there and you do not want to put her in a bad position so they are both out

SingaporeSlinky · 11/02/2019 10:21

Is she a bridesmaid or just a guest? I was thinking if she’s a bridesmaid, she could be at the top table, and you could suggest partner might not want to come since he’ll be sat on a different table with people he doesn’t know?

MrsJayy · 11/02/2019 10:25

Invite her and a +1 like others have said if he doesn't come then she might not be able to or be honest with her if you see her alone tell her how you feel but you are at risk of isolating her btw she isn't your responsibility but she is your friend so don't leave her out of your wedding because of him.

Original poster

InTheBirdBox · 11/02/2019 10:27

For those saying make sure I still support her and how difficult it can be to leave, I 100% understand this. I will never not be there for her.

It's extremely hard to watch though. I want to shake her. I want to scream at her sometimes and ask why is she doing this to herself. I'm ashamed to say I have done in the past. But one thing she has always had is a shoulder. I will never abandon her.

She is my MOH so perhaps top table idea is a good one!

I don't want to make this worse for her. I've managed to avoid him ever since but I'm so torn with this.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 11/02/2019 10:31

Oh so she is in your bridal party well id either put him at a table where you don't see his face or suggest he comes in the evening because he wont know anybody

GabsAlot · 11/02/2019 10:32

is he one of tnose people that wont let her go though even though shes moh-u have to be very careful with abusers theyre got so much control that she might make excuses not go

diplodocusinermine · 11/02/2019 10:33

Don't invite him if you don't want this abusive arse at your wedding. You are not responsible for your friend's relationship with him. You have been there for her when he has physically abused her, you were prepared to help her leave. This is not your mess to fix now.

Tink88 · 11/02/2019 10:33

Do you think she will go without him? Do you think he will let her?

She knows other partners are invited she could possibly side with him and you could lose your friendship over it and that could put your friend at further risk

TheInnerVoice · 11/02/2019 10:35

I’d invite him, then I’d poison the fucker. seriously though I would suggest that as she’s MOH she’ll be at the top table and as nobody else knows him it would be better for him to come in the evening only.

Mayrhofen · 11/02/2019 10:39

I agree that by not inviting him you are at best risking her not attending, and at worse putting her through more abuse because sure as eggs is eggs, he will blame her.

oldmum22 · 11/02/2019 10:43

I think I would probably invite him ,not because I wanted him there but because I can only guess how difficult it could be made for your friend. I agree about "hiding" him at the reception and tipping off the photographer. It may well be that between now and your wedding he will get his marching orders anyway .

Juells · 11/02/2019 10:43

If you don't invite him you'll alienate her and play straight into his hands.

That's what I think as well, that she'll blame herself for having phoned you because now you're 'taking it out on him' and she'll think twice about phoning again if she needs you. It would be wiser to be friendly with him so he has no excuse to get her to cut you off.

SaturdayNext · 11/02/2019 10:45

She expects me to forget and forgive because she has.

You need to make it clear to her that you simply cannot forget the sight of her battered and bruised at his hands when he wasn't even man enough to stay put and face up to what he had done. You don't have to have a man like that at your wedding. If that means she won't be MOH, so be it.

And don't go for compromises like inviting him just for the evening. In your shoes I really wouldn't want to be in the same room as this piece of shit, let alone inviting him to any part of something as important as my wedding.

MrsWolfe · 11/02/2019 10:49

I feel you but if you want her to come, you'll need to invite him. Not only is she going to feel put out because you haven't and make it out that you're doing it to hurt her as he's her family which will put pressure on your relationship but even if she does come around and still want to go, he's going to guilt her into either staying at home or forbid her from going with the risk of further violence.

HeckyPeck · 11/02/2019 10:51

I was in a similar situation and I didn’t invite the scumbag.

My friend understood and came anyway. She’s free of him now too thankfully.

I understand it might not go that way, but for me if felt like inviting him would have been sanctioning what he did. I also hated him and would not have been able to pretend otherwise.

Karigan195 · 11/02/2019 10:54

Here’s the thing: if she’s in an abusive relationship and you don’t invite him he will probably stop her going. This could spill into resentment at you for not inviting etc and used by him as a means to isolate her from friends who would help her.

If she’s isolated she’s much easier to abuse.

So yeah totally get that you don’t want him there but it may have consequences. Think about them first.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/02/2019 11:00

She hasn't forgiven him, despite outward appearances she hasn't and she never will. But, she is not in a place yet where she can leave and so
she will just isolate herself as to not make him angry. I don't blame you at all for not inviting him, but the likliehood is she will not come either because the fall out from that will not be good.

I'm so sorry for your friend. I've lived that life (although not as extreme I don't think) and it's an awful way to live. Bless her.

outpinked · 11/02/2019 11:02

Difficult situation. If you don’t invite him, you risk alienating her. It doesn’t sound like he’s the sort of man who would allow her to attend if he isn’t also present. I think you should invite both and let people at the wedding know what sort of a ‘man’ he is, see what happens...

MikeUniformMike · 11/02/2019 11:03

Your wedding, your choice.
I wouldn't invite him, but you risk her not coming, or her falling out with you. It might even cause a row.

Aridane · 11/02/2019 11:04

I would invite him as I would want my dear friend to attend and would recognise that the reality would be that she wouldn’t be attending without him

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 11/02/2019 11:06

Talk to her, properly
Tell her you can't have him at the wedding, because that would be condoning his actions. It is up to her if she chooses to stay with him and you will always be there for her no matter what but you cannot be around him.
Tell her to tell him that as MOH she will not be able to spend time with him at the wedding, so it is better he doesn't attend. I think even if you invited him the fact she is MOH, will have attention on her, and her attention not on him, might set her up for abuse either at the wedding or after. It is a very sad situation.

SingaporeSlinky · 11/02/2019 11:09

Why don’t you talk to your friend and explain that as she’s your maid of honour, she’ll be helping you get ready in the morning, getting into her own bridesmaid dress, any other responsibilities like walking down the aisle, sitting at the top table, helping you at the reception if you need the toilet etc. So just ask if she thinks her partner will be fine basically being on his own for most of the day. She couldn’t maybe explain all that to him and see if he wants to just stay home. Then it’s their decision.

Nomorepies · 11/02/2019 11:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

UpAndDown89 · 11/02/2019 11:16

Don’t invite him. Yes, it will probably mean she won’t come but:

if you invite him, you are condoning his behaviour and essentially telling him all is OK now by accepting him at such massive event
not being able to go to her best friend’s wedding will signal to her that something is wrong
MOST IMPORTANTLY - this is the biggest day of your lives as a couple. A day to celebrate your love. Do you really want a wife beater in all your photos and memories? It will put a massive damper on your day every time you look up and see him there.

Yes, your friend is in an abusive relationship. But she is ultimately an adult and you should not compromise your wedding day because of her choices.

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