To look crazy and send this text to my mil

[AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken]

To look crazy and send this by text to my c**t of a mil:
Who we send cards to, gifts to and what gifts we send is non of your business. Trying to micromanage our life's to this level is bonkers and I'm at the end of my tether with it. You don't get a say in how much we donate at our sons Christening, or a say in how much my engagement ring is or whether or not we have children (if dh had listened to you dc wouldn't be here would he) , what job dh has (you got fil to do that. Who thinks they get a say in what job there adult children have, very entitled and crazy, that and was crossing the line and the straw that broke the camels back with putting up with your controlling interfering behaviour for the past 10 years).
You don't get a say in when and where I give birth, and if I want to tell my parents I'm in labour and not you its my decision, so sending my parents a patents a passive aggressive text because didn't betray my trust is bang out of order. You don't get a say in if I breastfed my child, just creepy how opposed you where to it. You don't get to talk to me or dh like 5 year olds (surprisingly I know you give a sick child water) or micromanage us in front of our son! Stop throwing emotional blackmail tantrums when you don't get your way. I will no longer be putting up with it- who thinks they can micromanage there adult children's lives to this level is very entitled and crazy. Ps I know you stole my dress dh got me and gave it to sil

Really want to send to her or is it a stupid crazy idea

Limensoda by cold and distant I kinda mean short replies and not telling her anything about me. She will use others private details as ammunition, even medical matters. I know my DH's cousin is in therapy thanks to mil telling me one time as a guilt trip tactic, dh's cousin would not want me knowing this but mil does not respect people's wishes or privacy. Even dh didn't know she was in therapy.
So when she asks how I am my reply will be fine thanks, nothing else. How is dc will get the reply fine thanks.

Oatsandraisens I told my parents I was in labour because mine are helpful and not controlling and interfering and most importantly respect my wishes. Mil does not respect people's wishes or right to privacy. She could have turned up at hospital. My mum helped by sterilising bottles and breast pump, mil turned up and told me I should just give up trying bf.

Cinderbelly think that might be the problem with my Mil but more that she can't stand dh now has our primary family and she isn't in it/ number 1 in his life any more. Wonder if that's why she didn't want us to have children because it would mean he is more part of this new primary family if you know what I mean. Or maybe she can't see/ want to see him as an adult.

Sparklybanana I'm not stopping contact with her just wanting to go low contact and have dh not tell her everything about our lives so she can't use it against us or treat us like children. It's not because of the birthday it's because she expects us to go to every family event and won't take no for an answer and she expects to be able to visit whenever she wants regardless of what we are doing/ if it's convenient. She calls me unreasonable and says I'm trying to stop her seeing her family even if there is a reason like I'm ill or have other plans. She wanted to visit one weekend and I was really ill, saying no can you come next weekend wasn't good enough for her. Boxing day isn't good enough it should be Christmas day. It's always her mums last Christmas for the past 6 years.
The water comment is annoying because she acts like we are children who can't do anything without her benevolent guidance.

If you are going to send anything then ffs, write it out properly and send by email. Your text sounds a little crazed. Which I understand is because you have reached the end of your tether but it does you no favours. Write it out, bullet point the issues rather than using rambling sentences. Then consider it. But dint send that text.

You have a massive DUH problem.

Why is he telling you her messages?!
You need to grow some overlies as well
When he's telling you this shit he's passing the buck!
Look him in the eye and say "Why on earth are you telling me this? I know exactly who I communicate with, I've told you several times I'm not going to respond so please deal with your problems with her yourself"

I've been where you are.
It took me saying to my husband that I think I hate his mother more than I love him and that I wanted a divorce because I wanted her out of my life to realise how bad things had gotten.

Luckily for me the next day (and without her knowing our conversation) she managed to nuke the relationship between him and her all on her own.

It's been a very lovely 2 years without her.

Mil has just sent a long email detailing her birthday weekend telling everyone what to bring. Not by saying please bring something to contribute discuss it amongst yourselves. But by detailing the exact thing each person must bring in a long list (Sil will bring this exact meal and drink, bil will bring this exact breakfast etc). We were not asked what we could/ would like to bring. She has even planned out what activities people will be doing for the weekend in the email. This level of micromanagement just gets on my nerves. She even micromanages the conversation, fucking everything its just suffocating. Thankfully I have put my foot down and I'm not going, I'll be buying the stuff she has demanded we bring and sending dh on his own. But I wish she would just fuck off, her birthday seems like another attempt to boss everyone around like children. No doubt there will be an emotional tantrum on the phone because me or dc are not going in an attempt to try to make us go. The activities are not even toddler friendly really!

Why do you let it bother you so much?

So what, she's a bit controlling about how she wants her birthday to go.

It sounds like she's this way because you pull back so much, if you made a little bit of effort with her it might go a long way.

Sorry but you just sound quite difficult and I don't think it's nice to not go to your MILs birthday, and really not nice to not let the kids go with their Dad.

in my experience, relationships where you don't get along with the family are never sustainable.

@AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken as the activities are not toddler friendly, that gives you the perfect reason (other than not wanting to) not to go!

My MIL is 'challenging' (to put it mildly!) so I understand to an extent your frustrations. Yesterday she was in my house for 3 hours, I was out for an hour and a half of that, and when I came back I had to spend half an hour putting things back as she moves stuff around. My favourite thing was when I nearly fell over the ducking hoover in the middle of the hall when I was laden down with shopping. She didn't hoover, just got it out and left it there! 😡

Sending hugs OP. Stand your ground and keep contact to a minimum xxx

*fucking, not ducking. Damn autocorrect 😡

don't buy the stuff -you are not going...
DH needs to realise the pain himself.... he has to do it all with/for her
have a look at Cinderbelly post above - it wasnt until her DH had to deal with it that the penny dropped.
Make sure she cant contact you...
Everytime DH says - shes been on again or whatever - just grey rock... I dont want to know I've made my decision etc...
If he tells you shes told him someone elses personal info eg the cousin thing....i'don't want to know...

I'll be buying the stuff she has demanded we bring and sending dh on his own

That's still pandering to him. I would ignore the email.

Basically, you've said you're not getting involved and then going back on your word. No wonder he doesn't believe you and keeps pushing.

Just leave it to him. If he wants to go and he wants to get the stuff he's been ordered to bring, let him do it. Otherwise he will never learn and things like this will keep happening.

Don't enable him anymore. Step back and let the drama wash over you.

Do not buy the stuff!
Stop moaning about this but then voluntarily putting yourself in the situations that you hate.

OP you need to step back and work on addressing the power balance. She is treating you as a subordinate, and you've inadvertently allowed it.

Think about how you'd react to her actions if it were a work colleague on equal footing, PPs phrases like "That's nice, but our/my decision is XYZ" are perfect.

And remember, only you can let you feel guilty. She can try her best, but instead of saying you don't care, just start not caring. It's bliss!

Don't buy the stuff! You're not going, it's not your problem. Make it all your DH's problem. Then he can deal with all of it.

what I want to be different is for dh to stand up to his mother, not let her talk to us like children and not tell her everything about our lives. If dh would be united with me about his mother it would be much less of a problem.

Of course you want this ^

It's perfectly reasonable to want this

But imo you will never get it and you will need to choose

Between leaving DH or putting up with him arselicking his mother

In the end I left my DP because I could no longer stand for one more moment his fucking mother coming first

But DP and I didn't have kids together

These men who can't grow a pair and can't cut the apron strings, cause SO many problems

It's very sad and very frustrating

I wouldn't have taken this once, let alone for years.
She only does it because people allow her to.
Do not buy the stuff she has demanded, she has a son to do this.
I can't understand why he allows her to behave like this, he'd have been told the first time too.
Why do women get involved with men like this, it must be apparent before you marry and choose them for your children's father.

I agree, you should not buy the stuff. He's going, so he needs to sort it out.

You're not helping yourself by doing things like this.

OP I'm done with mine. the years of my precious life wasted on those dispicable people is a massive waste. I kept trying, kept including them... and kept getting awful behaviour from mil...

It worries me that they will use same heavy handed tactics however on young children.

IE when my DC get phones Etc.

I think they are a dreadful influence and awful too be around.

OP... don't see her in and don't go the party.

Budsbegginingspringinsight good point, I never thought of that, anything I can do or what should I look out for when my dc get phones. Its a while off but my in laws would definitely start harassing my dc via their phones

Op, just seen your update. Agree strongly with the others.. don't buy the stuff, DH should do it.
Also, can't remember how old the DC are, but why isn't he taking them with him?

DC toddler age, and the activities arnt really toddler friendly. Mostly long walks for hours in all weather, and not sure if its pram friendly even if dc would sit in pram for that long

I don’t think you should send the text either. Once you cross that line you can never go back. Just don’t go to the party. If they kick off over your absence then tell her verbally why she has upset you.

I think you should point out to your dh that all of these things are things that people argue about after a divorce and that you love him and you don't want to be those people. And that every time he doesn't stand up for you as a couple and a family it hurts you. And that you need his support.

But surely the whole point of her party weekend was that the whole Family had to be there as it might be GMILS last ever celebration (as per the last 6 yrs)
Are your DC now not part of that? Therefore DH should be taking them (and struggling with DC bored as they can't do the activities / eat the food MIL has chosen / miss their Mum etc)
Remember the whole idea of you wanting low contact was so that you weren't bowing to her demands and being told what to do. I may be wrong here but it seems like what you wanted was for DH to stand up for you but what's actually happened is that you are staying at home with the DC whilst DH has a carefree kneesup weekend with his family enjoying the food you have got for him to take?

I'm not tying to be aggressive I promise, just trying to understand.