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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To look crazy and send this text to my mil

214 replies

AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 11/02/2019 08:40

To look crazy and send this by text to my c**t of a mil:
Who we send cards to, gifts to and what gifts we send is non of your business. Trying to micromanage our life's to this level is bonkers and I'm at the end of my tether with it. You don't get a say in how much we donate at our sons Christening, or a say in how much my engagement ring is or whether or not we have children (if dh had listened to you dc wouldn't be here would he) , what job dh has (you got fil to do that. Who thinks they get a say in what job there adult children have, very entitled and crazy, that and was crossing the line and the straw that broke the camels back with putting up with your controlling interfering behaviour for the past 10 years).
You don't get a say in when and where I give birth, and if I want to tell my parents I'm in labour and not you its my decision, so sending my parents a patents a passive aggressive text because didn't betray my trust is bang out of order. You don't get a say in if I breastfed my child, just creepy how opposed you where to it. You don't get to talk to me or dh like 5 year olds (surprisingly I know you give a sick child water) or micromanage us in front of our son! Stop throwing emotional blackmail tantrums when you don't get your way. I will no longer be putting up with it- who thinks they can micromanage there adult children's lives to this level is very entitled and crazy. Ps I know you stole my dress dh got me and gave it to sil

Really want to send to her or is it a stupid crazy idea

OP posts:
Wedgiecar58 · 11/02/2019 11:31

Don't send that. It makes you sound really stupid.

Cremeeggsareforever · 11/02/2019 11:32

Write her name on paper and freeze it in the freezer.

Can you imagine if her dh found that. Hilarious for me as an outsider, very awkward situation for the OP!

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2019 11:39

Why didn't she want you both to try for children? Was there something else going on in your lives? It's a very unusual approach. And who told you she did this, your husband?

Yougotdis · 11/02/2019 11:40

Message to dp ‘I’ve already said no unless you want to live with mummy permanently stop asking. I won’t be changing my mind’. Message to mil. ‘I’ve already said no I won’t be coming. Stop asking me and stop asking my husband I won’t be changing my mind’.

Maybe a way forward is to forward think social occasions. Are your dc of soft play age? If so always meet at one and let dc drag her off. She can be the bonkers nanny that the other parents roll their eyes at while you have a nice drink.

Stay in hotels rather than at hers and have more than one social plan in the area. So she can’t monopolise the time. Likewise if she wants to stay she books a hotel nearby.

Knittedfairies · 11/02/2019 11:55

If you send that, she will hold it against you forever. She will distribute copies to the whole family, her MP, GP, Theresa May and the Queen. Laminated copies will be made available for visiting gas men and plumbers.

Rant here, but for the love of God don't send it to her.

TowelNumber42 · 11/02/2019 12:06

You are ranting as a substitute for DOING something.

Tell DH you have had enough and will not spend another second of your life in her presence. Then you do that. Then you actually do that.

The pain that is her batshittery must all land on him. Stop being his human shield. He will be desperate to get you back being his sacrificial lamb. Don't do it. You have to let him suffer if he's to realise the problem is for him to solve with his mother and is actually fuck all to do with you.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 11/02/2019 12:13

If i ignore her texts to me, she complains to dh then he relays it to me asking why can't you talk to my mum. At the moment she just want to call me to give me the sales pitch/ guilt me into going to her birthday weekend. The guilting will involve her mother (it's been her last Christmas and Easter for the past 6 years) which then does make me feel guilty

Change your number and don’t tell Mil
Tell dh that if he gives MIL your new number then he’ll be sleeping at his MIL for the foreseeable
Tell your dh that you’ve had enough of his DM and you no longer want to hear about her
Tell your dh not to tell you if she texts him

To be frank, if he’s not prepared to stick up for his family, then he will need to field her texts and calls - you need to go nc.

I’d also be saying she can’t see the dc either. I can only imagine what she’s been saying to them. Plus it’ll only get worse as they get older.

brookshelley · 11/02/2019 12:47

AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken DH is on my side that I’m not taking DCs and he knows MIL is BU but she won’t drop it. So I’ve refused to discuss it at all. I literally got up and left the room when she brought it up last week. She wants a power struggle and I’m not giving it to her. My DCs, my rules.

Mummylife2018 · 11/02/2019 15:03

I cannot believe so many posters are telling OP to essentially just 'put up with it' and be a doormat!! No, OP should absolutely not put up with it and if she wants to send the text then she should!!!!

CFs (Controlling Fuckers) will always be CFs until somebody stands up to them!!!!!

Maelstrop · 11/02/2019 15:14

Just block her number. Don't send her that ill-spelt appalling rant unless you're prepared for the consequences. If your DH sides with her now, he'd definitely do so if he read that!

DH can deal with her, you ignore except for the polite smile and wave. When she tells you to do something, you tell her no, just as forcefully and challenge every single time until she learns that you will NOT do as she tells you!

Handprints2018 · 11/02/2019 15:25

Block PIL. Tell DH you have and why and practice the phrases people mention above.

Your ILs are intrusive and controlling but because your dh lets them be.

Oh and change the door locks and if dh distributes the new ones he can go stay with his parents.

mummymeister · 11/02/2019 15:30

Mummylife2018 - I think you are misreading some of the posts. no one is telling her to put up with it. lots of people are telling her to deal with the problem and the problem is her OH feeding her MiL information all the time. the MIL only knows about these things because he is telling her. then when the MIL decides to kick off its her OH who comes back and tells her what has been said or done. lots of what she hears and knows is third hand from him. lots of what the MIL hears and knows about the OP is third hand from him.

Its a horrible and ridiculous situation but if the MIL stops getting fed a daily diet of her business by her OH then this will all basically stop.

The message she wants to send is a poorly constructed rant that just makes her come across as a bit hatstand to be honest. People are only able to behave like control freaks if there are people willing to be controlled. Her OH is the enabler in all of this - hes the one she needs to sort out.

thebabysmellsofpooagain · 11/02/2019 15:31

Please don't send that text.

Go as LC as humanly possibly and deal with any individual incidents as they occur:

  • Please don't speak to me like that/in that tone
  • sorry, that doesn't work for me/DC
  • I'm sorry that you don't like the decision that has been made, but the decision has been made and I will not be changing my mind.

Good luck OP!

gamerchick · 11/02/2019 15:34

Don't write anything down that could be used against you later.

Say it to her face instead.

purpleboy · 11/02/2019 15:41

Show DH this post and tell him either he needs to sort it or you will!

Rockmysocks · 11/02/2019 15:43

Cool heads offering good advice here. You're caught up in the rages with all guns blazing.

Not sending her the message isn't caving in, it's politic. Block her and tell your husband to deal with her.

GahWhatever · 11/02/2019 15:52

Practice the following two phrases:
'Thank you for thinking of us'
'That doesn't work for us'.

You can use them individually or one after another in either order. After over 50 years I have reached this point with my own DM:
Her: 'You would be better off doing X'.
Me: 'That doesn't work for us but thanks for thinking of us'.

Her: 'Random mistaken analysis of something which is actually thinly veiled criticism;'
Me: 'Thanks for thinking of us, Got to go, bye' and hang up.

Crucially don't get into discussion, don't give reasons to be overcome by her, and do not take any advice (or if you do don't let her know).

Explain this all simply to your DH in a pleasant way every time it happens. The phrase to use with him if he tries to intervene on her behalf 'Please don't become her flying monkey; you are supposed to be mine! haha!'

StressedToTheMaxx · 11/02/2019 15:53

Oh OP! I remember being here in this exact same situation with my mil and dh (2 years ago) As soon as I read your post I was flooded with memories.
It is so consuming and exhausting trying to fight your dh and mil just to have an opinion in every single little thing.
Eventually I couldn't take it any longer and when dh came home his bags where at the door.
We split- he went to a hotel because he couldnt face living with his 'd'm again even though she is wonderful
He had a lightbulb moment eventually and realised where he wanted to be.
She now bearly see dh or the dc.
But until he has that moment of clarity he will never be fully on your side.

StressedToTheMaxx · 11/02/2019 15:56

And as for the text, I sent one not even half as expressive/ honest and shit hot the fan mega 😂
I knew the relationship with her and I was dead anyways
You could write anything and she will have a super tantrum. You are wasting your time and effort and will be the bad guy to your dh

DownAndUnder · 11/02/2019 16:02

I could’ve sent a very similar text to my ex MIL but even my usually useless ex sorted his own mother out. If he won’t you will have to say something.

Fairenuff · 11/02/2019 16:14

As usual on these threads, you don't have a problem with your MIL, you have a problem with your dh.

So ignore her, she isn't important.

When he asks you to do/say something regarding her just say, no I'm not willing to do that. I want nothing to do with her. You know why, I am not going to keep repeating myself.

Let him bear the brunt of her attacks. If he chooses not to do anything about it that's his prerogative. Leave it between the two of them and stay out of it.

Original poster
AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 11/02/2019 16:52

Thanks for all the advice and letting me vent. Won't be sending the text to her, your right she would just use it against me and play the victim. After putting up with her for so long I wrote a badly written rant just trying to get everything out quickly.
I'll try to ignore her, go as low contact as possible, let dh deal with her and see her as little as possible. I'll be cold and distant when I have to see her, practice the phrases suggested and maybe some eye rolling at her.

StressedToTheMaxx thanks for the reply, it is consuming and exhausting when it's over every little thing. The smallest things that she thinks is important and we must do. Glad it worked out for you in the end

GahWhatever thanks I'll definitely start using those phrases

OP posts:
RabbityMcRabbit · 11/02/2019 16:57

OP that text makes you sound unhinged. Don't send it. As PP said, no good can come of it.

Limensoda · 11/02/2019 17:01

I'll be cold and distant when I have to see her, practice the phrases suggested and maybe some eye rolling at her

No need for the cold and distant and definitely not the eye rolling!
You are back in a battle if you do that. Just be polite and use suggested phrases. There's no need for any aggressive gestures.

RandomMess · 11/02/2019 17:03

@AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken you have a serious DH problem he is in the FOG and needs to read some books like toxic parents, he is the one not ensuring that his parents respect you both.