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Original poster

To look crazy and send this text to my mil

214 replies

AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 11/02/2019 08:40

To look crazy and send this by text to my c**t of a mil:
Who we send cards to, gifts to and what gifts we send is non of your business. Trying to micromanage our life's to this level is bonkers and I'm at the end of my tether with it. You don't get a say in how much we donate at our sons Christening, or a say in how much my engagement ring is or whether or not we have children (if dh had listened to you dc wouldn't be here would he) , what job dh has (you got fil to do that. Who thinks they get a say in what job there adult children have, very entitled and crazy, that and was crossing the line and the straw that broke the camels back with putting up with your controlling interfering behaviour for the past 10 years).
You don't get a say in when and where I give birth, and if I want to tell my parents I'm in labour and not you its my decision, so sending my parents a patents a passive aggressive text because didn't betray my trust is bang out of order. You don't get a say in if I breastfed my child, just creepy how opposed you where to it. You don't get to talk to me or dh like 5 year olds (surprisingly I know you give a sick child water) or micromanage us in front of our son! Stop throwing emotional blackmail tantrums when you don't get your way. I will no longer be putting up with it- who thinks they can micromanage there adult children's lives to this level is very entitled and crazy. Ps I know you stole my dress dh got me and gave it to sil

Really want to send to her or is it a stupid crazy idea

OP posts:
S021 · 11/02/2019 09:42

That text is awful.

Bluelady · 11/02/2019 09:43

If I received that text I'd think the sender was unhinged or drunk.

TriciaH87 · 11/02/2019 09:45

Maybe just tell her if you need her advice you will ask but as adults you would appreciate she with holds her opinions as it is your lives and you do not dictate hers. Then ask for the dress back that she borrowed and has gave to her daughter as your husband bought it and you need it for an event coming up.

Original poster
AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 11/02/2019 09:46

sandandc how did you get your dh to understand?

mooglycrunch did she have a key to your house, going threw someone's bin to sellotape a ripped letter up is completely crazy

OP posts:
rededucator · 11/02/2019 09:47

And your husband should call his sister and say 'you'll never believe what our mental mother did .... so can I have my wife's dress back, which I bought and paid for' the mother will be the one that ends up looking like an idiot.

GabsAlot · 11/02/2019 09:48

youve got a dh problem then-if he thinks theres noting wrong with what she does it will never change

when my late mil told my dh to leave me(long story) he told her gto get lost and not cntact him again unless she apologised

would you dh do the same for you?

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 11/02/2019 09:53

Did you post here about the dresses? Seems I remember!!
Just block her, let dh handle her, agree to not mention her name in your home.
Tell dh to enjoy the trip but you and dc won't be going.
I went nc with mil.
Dh followed on very soon after.
4 years of bliss now!!

Upsy1981 · 11/02/2019 09:55

How long have you been with DH? And how old are you? It took my MIL a long time to realise that we were adults in our own right and we had plenty of bumps in the road a long the way. I have written many a ranty letter in my time but never sent them.

She can do what she wants to you and tell you to do whatever she wants but just take no notice. Yes, I know it's annoying. But just say hmmm to her in a non-committal way and then do exactly what you and DH had planned anyway. She can offer her opinions and act the way she wants to but there is only so far you can control that. What you can control is how you react to her. Play the long game. Show her that you are being successful adults and parents and that will be your victory in itself and, if she is that type of person, it will get on her nerves more to see you being successful than it will to receive a ranting message which she will just manage to turn around to make her the victim and you the unreasonable one anyway.

And this thing about 'You have a DH problem jot a MIL problem'... I'm sorry I disagree. If someone is treating me unfairly and talking to me in a disrespectful way or stealing my clothes, then I will challenge that, no matter who it is. I don't need DH to be challenging someone on my behalf. DH and I are two individuals.

BookCzar · 11/02/2019 09:57

I think you should just ignore her and vent here. Trying to explain something to someone who simpy doesn't have the capacity to understand is tiring and serves no purpose.

NottonightJosepheen · 11/02/2019 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 11/02/2019 09:59

Don’t send it.

Do go on contact
Tell your dh it’s his issue now
Do tell him you don’t want to read or know any texts he has from her
Do tell him even if it’s about you, you don’t want to know
Do change the locks on your house

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 11/02/2019 09:59

OP I feel you have come to the end of your tether with MIL and her advice,,,its ok to feel that way it really is,What you need now is to forget the dress its nothing, go get another,if it means that much to them let them bloody have it,no skin off your nose and you need a clear plan going forward.How much contact if any is down to you and better done with your husbands full knowledge,He might disagree with you but if you are open and direct with him and he knows you are serious then it will help.Just tell him enough is enough.If he cannot see the problem or is unwilling to do anything to help you then she is not welcome at your home when you are there and you refuse to engage with her.He can please himself and do as he wishes but its the end for you.Be clear and concise and then let him explain.You need to stand back but the only issue I would guard against is if you can;t get an agreement moving forward then your relationship could run into trouble.Tell him you understand he loves his family and you would never ever do anything to stop that but he is on his own with it and you are done.Protecting your relationship is a key thing here or it will drive you apart, You have no obligation to see his family but don;t turn against him and cause problems if he wants to. you have to be fair for this to work going forward,,,Good Luck

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/02/2019 10:01

Now you have that out of your system DO NOT SEND IT!

THIS ^

And every time she sends you crackers, do the same - write it down on a piece of paper - and BURN what you have written.

CatG85 · 11/02/2019 10:07

Unless I go no contact, what do I do when we see her and she talks down to us like we are 5 years old infront of my dc? And tries to micromanage the whole time bossing us about. Went for a few days to her house around Christmas and she tried to tell us what to do the whole time treating as like we are her infant children. He is too young to notice at the moment but what about when he is older

You say something at the time, in a diplomatic but clear way. Don't let it fester and say everything after the events when it just makes you look unreasonable.

Blinkingblimey · 11/02/2019 10:10

DO NOT SEND IT!!! It’s quite obvious that you’re justifiably at the end of your tether but sending this will make you look like a child throwing a tantrum - which in her mind will justify her treating you like an immature teen. If you ever resort to the written word a calm, well thought out, non confrontational letter would do far better....one you have spent a good week or so intermittently re-reading to make sure the tone is sensible. Does you dh actually see the problem and ignore it or his he oblivious? If the first you need to have a proper chat with him (maybe he needs the calmly worded letter?!) and forge a way forward together as a team. If the second you have a bigger problem😬

Limensoda · 11/02/2019 10:11

You don't have to get your husband to understand.
You decide what you will or will not put up with and deal with each issue as it crops up.
Your don't have to get angry or get into an argument, just state your point and walk away.

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2019 10:12

If you feel you need to say something, do so in a measured way that makes you look reasonable.

Do not send that message, it looks like you were drunk out of your face when you wrote it, it's just an angry childish rant.

Bangingdoors · 11/02/2019 10:14

Send the text to your dh, he's the problem and he needs to realise what he's allowing to happen.

sweetmarie · 11/02/2019 10:20

Just pop round once a month for a 15 minute cuppa and smile & nod.

Oddcat · 11/02/2019 10:20

Silence and no contact is the only way to deal with people like your mil.

That text contains enough ammo to keep her going for years !

TheJobNeverEnded · 11/02/2019 10:21

Don't send it.

Re your Dh, if she is texting him how do you know about it? Because he is telling you.

Don't engage. Tell him his mother is no longer a topic of conversation for you. Change your number or block her so she can no longer contact you. Same for if any flying monkeys start ringing you about her. Cut the conversation dead by saying I am not going to talk about it and if you continue I will end the call, and then do it.

Go completely NC with her.

Please don't allow your Dh to take your children to events with MIL without you. I have been that child and it just allowed my Grandma to put the boot in about the parent who wasn't there.

Re the dress surely your Dh had a receipt which states he bought 2 dresses and not one super expensive dress.

But I have been in a similar situation but Dh saw it for what it was but took ages to grow a spine. The straw that broke the camels back for him was the safety of our child and FIL trying to one up us on safety knowledge (the man who hadn't lifted a finger to raise his own children). Hmm

MorrisZapp · 11/02/2019 10:21

I wouldn't worry about your kids noticing that their gran is a bit bossy. Most grans are a bit bossy. Mine was an absolute battleaxe, but she loved us to bits and we loved her. Unless your mil is actually shouting DO IT LIKE THIS in your faces your kids won't notice or care that she micromanages anything.

Somethingsmellsnice · 11/02/2019 10:27

Definitely don't send that.

However if she persists in sending texts to your DH get your DH to reply saying AlltheGood is not able to come to long weekend so please don't mention it again. If she did. He replies I have already explained the situation (on repeat).

If she starts texting you/phoning you say the same or refer her to DH.

Keep contact to the minimum.

However you do realise that the main problem is with your DH rather than MIL. Until he is on the same page he will enable her to continue her behaviour.

Eatmycheese · 11/02/2019 10:27

In response to your initial question then yes, you most certainly would.

That’s exactly what a woman like that wants from her DIL

mummymeister · 11/02/2019 10:32

So, its a DH problem really and rather than confront the real issue you are having a go at the side issue.

How does your MIL know whats going on in your life to such a micro level? Because your DH tells her. if he didn't tell her, she wouldn't know. So he is the problem here yet you don't seem to want to try and sort this out.

if you send this message it makes you look like a teenager listing every wrong that has ever been done to you in a ranty way. so don't do it.

You have to sit down with your DH and explain that this just cannot go on. He feeds his mum info knowing how she reacts so why does he do this? its very passive aggressive isn't it?

For the immediate issue text to say, thanks for the invitation but I am not coming. this is not open to discussion. and just keep hitting re-send everytime she messages you. its called the broken record technique and it works.

but honestly this marriage isn't going to last unless you get your DH on side right now.

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