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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To look crazy and send this text to my mil

214 replies

AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 11/02/2019 08:40

To look crazy and send this by text to my c**t of a mil:
Who we send cards to, gifts to and what gifts we send is non of your business. Trying to micromanage our life's to this level is bonkers and I'm at the end of my tether with it. You don't get a say in how much we donate at our sons Christening, or a say in how much my engagement ring is or whether or not we have children (if dh had listened to you dc wouldn't be here would he) , what job dh has (you got fil to do that. Who thinks they get a say in what job there adult children have, very entitled and crazy, that and was crossing the line and the straw that broke the camels back with putting up with your controlling interfering behaviour for the past 10 years).
You don't get a say in when and where I give birth, and if I want to tell my parents I'm in labour and not you its my decision, so sending my parents a patents a passive aggressive text because didn't betray my trust is bang out of order. You don't get a say in if I breastfed my child, just creepy how opposed you where to it. You don't get to talk to me or dh like 5 year olds (surprisingly I know you give a sick child water) or micromanage us in front of our son! Stop throwing emotional blackmail tantrums when you don't get your way. I will no longer be putting up with it- who thinks they can micromanage there adult children's lives to this level is very entitled and crazy. Ps I know you stole my dress dh got me and gave it to sil

Really want to send to her or is it a stupid crazy idea

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 11/02/2019 10:32

Don't sent it.

The thing is, going against the grain here a bit.....this is your side of things. Does she actually TELL you what to do, or is she just interested and involved in your lives?
eg I have adult children and we discuss their jobs / promotion with them all the time (they often initiate.)
Likewise- when she asks if you are breast feeding, is she telling you that you MUST or is she simply asking whether you will?

I think there is a difference between someone being really 'in your face' telling you what to do, and expressing motherly concern and an opinion.

You come over as on a very short fuse so I'm not entirely sure if you are overreacting and someone else in the same circs would just shrug it off.

SaturdayNext · 11/02/2019 10:37

did she have a key to your house, going threw someone's bin to sellotape a ripped letter up is completely crazy

WTF? Change the locks today and tell your DH that if he dares give his mother a key he's out on his ear.

Original poster
AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 11/02/2019 10:39

If i ignore her texts to me, she complains to dh then he relays it to me asking why can't you talk to my mum. At the moment she just want to call me to give me the sales pitch/ guilt me into going to her birthday weekend. The guilting will involve her mother (it's been her last Christmas and Easter for the past 6 years) which then does make me feel guilty

OP posts:
WinkysTeatowel · 11/02/2019 10:43

You and DH need to have this conversation and agree how to manage it. You need to make it clear what will and won't happen and he needs to get on board and present a united front.

Showing him how she makes you feel might make him realise the depth of your feeling...

SaturdayNext · 11/02/2019 10:46

Surely your DH knows why you can't talk to his Mum? Tell him to man up and tell his mother he is not going to police who you choose to communicate with.

Original poster
AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 11/02/2019 10:47

Does she actually TELL you what to do yes she got fil to sit dh down and tell him you need to get a different career to earn more for your family (we are able to pay the bills fine and have never asked them for money) why don't you apply for this job (that doesn't even pay much more and is in a more expensive area for housing). She told my DH to not try for a baby with me (married, both have jobs, mortgage on a house, early 30s at the time. I'm not saying you need that for a baby but she was saying we can't cope having a baby so don't have one). If dh doesn't do something she will call and ring constantly. Will use lots of emotional blackmail and even get other family members to do so if needed

OP posts:
Oddcat · 11/02/2019 10:47

Show your DH this thread.

oldmum22 · 11/02/2019 10:49

Don't send text.
Don't go to birthday bash
Don't interact with MIL

Do speak to DH
Do set boundaries eg length of time you spend with her
Do ignore guilt tripping

WhatchaMaCalllit · 11/02/2019 10:49

@AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken - In relation to this:
If I ignore her texts to me, she complains to dh then he relays it to me asking why can't you talk to my mum
you must reply "DH, I have no desire to speak to your mother on this. You must tell her that she is to stop pestering you yourself. That is not my job." and repeat as many times as it takes for him to say to his mother "Stop pestering me about why AllTheGood isn't talking to you. It's clear she doesn't want to".

He has to stand up to his mother. He's still in the Parent - Child relationship with his mother and not in the Parent - Parent relationship.

As for going to her birthday weekend you say to your DH "Dh, I don't want to spend a weekend with your mother celebrating her birthday with her and whoever she wants to invite. I'm not stopping you from going but I will not be talked into going. I will not be changing my mind on this so there is no point in you or her trying to change my mind". Then don't go. As you've said that it's been her mothers last Christmas/Easter/Birthday for the past 6 years and you've been guilted into going, then don't go this time. You've done your bit and you don't have to do any more.

Your DH though does need to decide that it is you and him that are a team now and not him and his mother. Once that dynamic changes, it should get better for you.

Flamingosnbears · 11/02/2019 10:51

Not worth all the drama that would follow from sending it...

outpinked · 11/02/2019 10:52

Nah I wouldn’t bother sending it purely because it adds more fuel to the fire. Your DH needs to deal with her, it’s his Mother after all.

abbsisspartacus · 11/02/2019 10:53

You need to block her and when he comes to you tell him he will get blocked too

Or just reply to ever text off her no thanks no thanks NO NO NO NO ( I always go with miss manners first)

Passing4Human · 11/02/2019 10:58

Definitely do not send that text. She will not read it. She won't even get past the first sentence or two before deciding that this text backs up all her thoughts of you as unreasonable and uncooperative, and now add crazy into the mix. She'll likely forward it on to various folk in your family as an example of what she has to put up with (in her eyes) and the whole thing will blow up against you.

You can't reason with someone utterly unreasonable. I know that you think if you find the right words you will get through to her and she'll understand suddenly. She won't. It is also possible that your DH will never step up and stand up for you in the way that you want.

I think the best strategy here is to find a way to limit contact with MIL and disengage from any drama at her end as much as possible. Just one way of doing this off the top of my head: take her long-weekend birthday fandango which is coming up as an example. Your DH needs to stop telling you when she complains that you aren't replying to texts or whatever. You do not need to hear her "feedback" like that. Do some research around disengagement. It really is possible (I speak from personal experience) and it's self-protection. I can see how understandably raging you are in your draft text, and it's not healthy. For self-preservation disengage as much as you can, with your DH as a buffer. If he won't stand up for you against MIL then he can at least act as a buffer so that her complaints about you don't get fed back to you.

youknowmedontyou · 11/02/2019 11:02

Do not send that and deal with your DH!

Cremeeggsareforever · 11/02/2019 11:06

YABVU. If I were your DH, I would have serious things to say to you if you had sent my DM a text like that, regardless of your feelings about her.

littlemisscynical · 11/02/2019 11:07

Some great advice on this thread

k1233 · 11/02/2019 11:07

Do you know what I'd do. Something I read about a long time ago that apparently works. Write her name on paper and freeze it in the freezer. Google for ideas. At worst nothing will change. At best she may be far enough out of your life to not bother you anymore.

littlemisscynical · 11/02/2019 11:10

Speaking from experience here OP. It is so freeing to sit down with your DH, discuss boundaries going forward and then put them in place together. You likely won’t need to have a big confrontation if you have a united front. Deal with behaviours as they arise using simple assertive statements. Job done! Trust me. I never thought it would be so easy. No trouble from my MIL now at all and we all get on so much better.

diddl · 11/02/2019 11:10

"If i ignore her texts to me, she complains to dh "

And what does your husband then do?

diddl · 11/02/2019 11:12

"No isn't a word she understands. And he is now asking why can't I just go for a day or two"

So your husband doesn't understand "no" either?

JinglingHellsBells · 11/02/2019 11:20

The thing is as others have said, your DH appears to be happy with all of this!

ie his father sitting him down to talk to him about changing jobs....

Did your DH not get upset?

You appear to be getting upset on his behalf as well as your own.

If you can't present a united front towards his interfering parents, there is no hope.

FlippinNora1 · 11/02/2019 11:27

Do not send that text. A close friend sent something far less harsh to her mil. The mil memorised it and cut it all into teeny tiny pieces which she twisted around and used as ammunition against my friend. It will never go away!

I agree with everyone, your DH is the real problem. He needs to grow some balls and cut the apron strings. It’s so lame that he allowed them to sit him down to talk to him about his career. I’m presuming he is an adult?

LizzieSiddal · 11/02/2019 11:28

Set rules for yourself such as...

I will not text her unless I wish to.
I will not spend more than a day with her, unless I want to.
I will not listen whilst she tells me what to do.

You need a few phrases to repeat, until everyone gets bored of asking...
“That doesn’t work for me”
“That’s not convient”
“That’s not how we do things”
“No, Ds will not be doing that”

You do not need to offer explanations to her or FIL. Just keep repeating the phrases.

As far as your H is concerned tell him you are completely fed up, that you expect him to support you but as he isn’t you will be taking things into your own hands in future and you will not be discussing it.

My MIL is awful, fortunately Dh stuck up for us all and we ended up having much less contact with her. You have to protect yourself and your dc.

spanishwife · 11/02/2019 11:28

Mumsnet unicorn where you can use apostrophes correctly but can't spell 'saw' or 'through'

HeckyPeck · 11/02/2019 11:30

you must reply "DH, I have no desire to speak to your mother on this. You must tell her that she is to stop pestering you yourself. That is not my job." and repeat as many times as it takes for him to say to his mother "Stop pestering me about why AllTheGood isn't talking to you. It's clear she doesn't want to".

This is great advice.