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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To look crazy and send this text to my mil

214 replies

AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 11/02/2019 08:40

To look crazy and send this by text to my c**t of a mil:
Who we send cards to, gifts to and what gifts we send is non of your business. Trying to micromanage our life's to this level is bonkers and I'm at the end of my tether with it. You don't get a say in how much we donate at our sons Christening, or a say in how much my engagement ring is or whether or not we have children (if dh had listened to you dc wouldn't be here would he) , what job dh has (you got fil to do that. Who thinks they get a say in what job there adult children have, very entitled and crazy, that and was crossing the line and the straw that broke the camels back with putting up with your controlling interfering behaviour for the past 10 years).
You don't get a say in when and where I give birth, and if I want to tell my parents I'm in labour and not you its my decision, so sending my parents a patents a passive aggressive text because didn't betray my trust is bang out of order. You don't get a say in if I breastfed my child, just creepy how opposed you where to it. You don't get to talk to me or dh like 5 year olds (surprisingly I know you give a sick child water) or micromanage us in front of our son! Stop throwing emotional blackmail tantrums when you don't get your way. I will no longer be putting up with it- who thinks they can micromanage there adult children's lives to this level is very entitled and crazy. Ps I know you stole my dress dh got me and gave it to sil

Really want to send to her or is it a stupid crazy idea

OP posts:
Confused2009 · 11/02/2019 09:03

Personally i wouldnt because it will create problems between you and your DH, if hes still in the FOG and willing to put up with her then he will go mad youve sent it. Instead go NC, shes his mum not yours and you dont have to deal with her if you dont want to. Block her on everything and if she asks why just tell her you refuse to put up with her unreasonable behaviour any longer.

ChakiraChakra · 11/02/2019 09:04

Re the birthday, that's actually very easy for you. Let her and DH feet on with whatever shite she's going to throw at him, and one liner him. House abut the classic MN No thanks, that doesn't work for me.?

ChakiraChakra · 11/02/2019 09:05

Urgh typos 😳

bluetheskyis · 11/02/2019 09:05

Take the moral high ground and keep your dignity and don’t send that text! Speak to your DH and agree on boundaries for your MIL and put some distance between you and her would be my advice.

fezzesarecool · 11/02/2019 09:05

If you do want to send her something then reword it and be more diplomatic

For example, I understand you are concerned but we are adults that are making our own informed decisions

If you send it as it is no good will come of it and although you may be right in what you are saying you come across very badly and any fall out will be put on you.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 11/02/2019 09:07

It's not a message that you want to send OP. You will be the unreasonable one.
Think about the damage MIL can do with that message at her birthday weekend that you have refused to go to!

I would suggest you vent wherever you need to vent - here, friends, DH, but NOT send to MIL.

Calzone · 11/02/2019 09:07

The message is pretty incoherent actually and makes you sound slightly deranged......

Don’t go to the birthday weekend.
You are a grownup and can decide what to do.

Why don’t you let dh take a child with him and give you a break for a couple of days?

My MIL is horrid to me so I have nothing to do with her. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Owwlie · 11/02/2019 09:07

I wouldnt send it. But I would write it all down, make sure it has everything you want it to say (bullet point each thing) and give it to your DH to read. Reading it all set down as one list may make him realise how bad it is. Have a calm conversation with him about how you can't deal with her anymore. Ignore her messages and he and your son can then visit her without you.

bluetheskyis · 11/02/2019 09:07

She’s DH’s problem - explain to him why you don’t want to go to the birthday then tell him it’s not up for discussion. He’ll need to deal with her. Can your D.C. go with him or are they too young?

Original poster
AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 11/02/2019 09:08

Unless I go no contact, what do I do when we see her and she talks down to us like we are 5 years old infront of my dc? And tries to micromanage the whole time bossing us about. Went for a few days to her house around Christmas and she tried to tell us what to do the whole time treating as like we are her infant children. He is too young to notice at the moment but what about when he is older.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 11/02/2019 09:09

Feels like unreasonable behaviour and lack of adult communication on both sides, to be honest.

MarthasGinYard · 11/02/2019 09:10

Don't go and stay for 'a few days' again far to long.

Tell your DH you cannot abide this condescending way in which she speaks to you both and you are a united front when it happens again.

MarthasGinYard · 11/02/2019 09:11

And no of course you don't send the message.

GummyGoddess · 11/02/2019 09:11

If you don't want to see her you don't have to, but no good will come of that message as it's an angry and jumbled rant. Even if it were calm and clinical someone like that just won't get it.

If you decide to no longer see her, tell your DH that and then he can go and take DC if he wants but you do not have to go.

LargeGlassofWhiteWine · 11/02/2019 09:13

Don't send the message.
Don't go on the birthday trip.
Do go NC with her as much as possible.
When you have to see her go grey rock to get yourself through.
If she chucks a tantrum it's down to your DH to handle it, she's his mother.

ChakiraChakra · 11/02/2019 09:13

@fezzesarecool (that username! 😁) has the prefect response for when she's trying to talk down to and micromanage;

I understand you are concerned but we are adults that are making our own informed decisions

If it were me and she tried to micromanage me at her house at Christmas I'd just laugh heartily and say no thanks, I'm fine doing X! With a big grin on your face.

flumpybear · 11/02/2019 09:15

Don't visit for her birthday. Tell your DH you need time away from her so you can calm down.
Moving forwards you need to push back. Try getting some phrases, if she treats you like 5 year olds say something 'MIL look we're not 5 years old, explain it to us like we're adults it's xyz will be the outcome'

Boundaries are not in place at the moment so you need to set them, and get your husband to at least back you up if he's too gutless to sort it out now.

Regarding the dress situation - does she have a key to your house? How did she get the dress? Perhaps mark your favourite items on the label or something so you can prove it next time ... what a bitch!

Hadalifeonce · 11/02/2019 09:15

OP, when she tries to micromanage, you could just respond with 'that's not the way WE do things' 'We obviously have different views, and we have made this decision' 'No, that doesn't work for us'

Keep it short and to the point, it's not rude, and hopefully after she has heard these things a few times, will get the point; and if she doesn't but keeps harping on with the same old stuff, she will start to sound completely unreasonable.

GummyGoddess · 11/02/2019 09:15

If you do see her just ignore her and calmly say 'I know.' or 'This is my decision and I have made my choice.' to whatever she's saying and do not engage. Do not give her additional information, do not engage in small talk and have your own exit strategy planned even if it means taking two cars or staying in a hotel.

SaturdayNext · 11/02/2019 09:15

It's going to get to her much more if you simply close down all attempts at emotional blackdown every time with short one liners along the lines of "No, it doesn't work for me". As for what you do when you see her, keep visits to a minimum, don't stay in her house, and when she tries to boss you say something like "We're old enough to make our own decisions, please don't issue orders".

Koalablue · 11/02/2019 09:16

When i was just married my mil was a bit like this. One day it got too much so i got in the car with the windows up and imagined she was in the car with me. Then I let rip at her, called her every name under the sun, used every swear word i could think of. Then when it was all out my system i went home feeling so much better.
20 years later we get on like a house on fire and I'm glad i managed to get it out of my system. No one got hurt and it felt bloody good.

curiousierandcouriser · 11/02/2019 09:17

what do I do when we see her and she talks down to us like we are 5 years old infront of my dc?

Either ignore her or respond to her in the same way. Go low contact and let your DH deal with her. Anything you do or say will be used against you - doubly so if you put it in writing!

NWQM · 11/02/2019 09:18

I feel like I could have sent that text. I didn’t and don’t think you should. It really won’t help. She won’t suddenly go ‘oh yeah I get how annoying I am’. She thinks she is right. Sending that kind of text just will prove it in her eyes.

Things aren’t perfect for us but I’d say control the situations as much as you Cana. Your terms. What makes it bareable. We now see less of our in-laws because when we go we stay in a hotel. Gives us all a break during the stay. We go less because of cost. My DH has too choices - this or tackle his Mum’s behaviour. In all fairness the latter would have been hard so hotel it is.

Her behaviours reflects on her and not you. Your DC will get that when very young. It really won’t undermine you unless you react. Just stay firm.

I say all this because I kind of wonder if you are being firm and she sees it - thus she is using her milestone birthday as a last throw of the dice to control everything / everyone. Not going is a pretty big statement. Not sure you need to say anymore - from her perspective you are already saying don’t like you, don’t want to send time with and don’t care if that hurts you. I’d leave it there.

TheInvestigator · 11/02/2019 09:19

It really doesn’t make much sense, it’s just a complete jumbled diatribe.

If you want to confront her about it then you need to write it well, otherwise you sound deranged.

It needs to be thought out, carefully worded and edited to be eloquent but firm. If you want to do it, then do it in a letter written properly.

PlugUgly1980 · 11/02/2019 09:19

Go no contact or limit it as much as you can. I don't see my in-laws. DH takes the kids to them, I never go. Very occasionally they call to pick the kids up or drop them off, and I don't engage. Just let DH deal with them. My eldest is 5 yrs old and loves all her grandparents which is fine. She's asked why I don't go and visit MIL and FIL with them, and I've been honest and explained we have different opinions on things, but the important thing is we all love her still, and it's nice she gets chance to play with grandma and grandad.