To look crazy and send this text to my mil

[AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken]

To look crazy and send this by text to my c**t of a mil:
Who we send cards to, gifts to and what gifts we send is non of your business. Trying to micromanage our life's to this level is bonkers and I'm at the end of my tether with it. You don't get a say in how much we donate at our sons Christening, or a say in how much my engagement ring is or whether or not we have children (if dh had listened to you dc wouldn't be here would he) , what job dh has (you got fil to do that. Who thinks they get a say in what job there adult children have, very entitled and crazy, that and was crossing the line and the straw that broke the camels back with putting up with your controlling interfering behaviour for the past 10 years).
You don't get a say in when and where I give birth, and if I want to tell my parents I'm in labour and not you its my decision, so sending my parents a patents a passive aggressive text because didn't betray my trust is bang out of order. You don't get a say in if I breastfed my child, just creepy how opposed you where to it. You don't get to talk to me or dh like 5 year olds (surprisingly I know you give a sick child water) or micromanage us in front of our son! Stop throwing emotional blackmail tantrums when you don't get your way. I will no longer be putting up with it- who thinks they can micromanage there adult children's lives to this level is very entitled and crazy. Ps I know you stole my dress dh got me and gave it to sil

Really want to send to her or is it a stupid crazy idea

Don’t send that. Apart from anything else, it’s too easy to use against you.

What do you want to be different in the future? Think about that. Have a future plan.

I understand how angry you must be - she sounds horrific - this is obviously years of bullshit from her, but if you send that and bring up every situation (which presumably you didn't say anything about at the time) she becomes the victim in this and you come across as bullying (I know you're not being) .... you need to attack each problem as it arises - if she talks down to you infront of dc, you need to take her aside and have it out there and then, and every time something happens until she realises, or if she doesn't but gets called out, she may nc you (win/win) ... don't send this - keep it but don't send it and in future don't let anything fester, deal with it as and when

Could you try the Father Jack approach? Everytime she says something ridiculous just say, "That would be an ecumenical matter". Once she realises she's not getting through she might leave you alone.

Seriously though you need to go low or no contact. Let DH have a relationship with her by all means but limit for yourself or it will drive you crackers.

She got the dress by taking dh into the shop telling dh to buy a dress for me and Sil. Both dresses were stored at her house (he was staying there for a few nights) and we never sore my dress again because she gave it to Sil as a gift from her. When dh asked about my dress she just said she does not remember that he got a dress for me.

Noooooooooo!!! Don't send that!!!! It will make you look completely psychotic and unhinged and she'll use that against you forever.

It's far too full of rage, anger and is full of mistakes and is pretty incoherent.
It's good to get it out of your system though, you'll feel better getting it out in a safe place (here).

If she's as bad as you say she is in that then it's time to draw a boundary line and yourself and dh gave to police the boundary.

She doesn't get told anything and she no longer has access to your home. When she oversteps the line you both (ideally dh) need to tell her she's out of line and to back off.

No good can come of a situation like his being allowed to bubble away, believe me it will boil over and could affect your relationship with your dh.

That message is very Jeremy Kyle, I felt like it was being shouted at me by one of his guests as I read it.

MIL is not the problem here, DH is. Although judging by your message it could easily be six of one and half a dozen of the other...

Don't send the text you will end up been the one in the wrong. You need to be firmer in person.
If she's been bossy or trying to force your hand /opinion say 'no, thank you', 'I'd prefer not to but thanks', 'it's not the way I/we are choosing to do it but THANKS for thinking of us'. Polite but firm, Always add a thanks and say it with confidence .
In the end you will seem the most reasonable as she's nagging and trying to be controlling but you are been polite.

And please tell me about the dress!!

Don’t send it op, it does make you look a bit unhinged and it will only give her ammo

Don't send she will just use it as ammo against you. Agree you need to be more assertive.

You can't send it as the grammar you've used makes it really hard to read, and makes you sound like a ranting loon.

Just nod and smile and ignore.

OP I'm in a similar situation, which I've posted about on MN. MIL wants DCs and me to attend an event that's not suitable for children, DH is already going but that's good enough for her and she's throwing a fit. I told her already DCs and I aren't coming and she doesn't want to accept it. When she brings up the topic now I leave the room - I've made my choice, we are not going, end of story. And I've told DH that from now on I am not engaging with her on anything more than I have to. I am outsourcing all my MIL issues to DH from now on.

For example she was at our place - we live in a rented flat - and she said "The appliances in this kitchen are so old and bad." Other than the stove we purchased the fridge and washing machine new and they are clearly not old. I said "We bought these ourselves." She then doubled down saying "what brand are they? They don't look good at all." I said "DH chose them so he can tell you the details" and then excused myself from the room.

Have you tried talking with her about it? One to one? As equals?

Dear MIL, I'm sorry you're disappointed that I'm not coming away for your birthday.
The truth is, we're both strong minded, opinionated women with our own way of doing things. I've bitten my tongue so many times when you've said or done things in a way that assumes we'll do it your way. But to be honest, this upsets me and I fear my feelings will come out at the worst possible moment, spoiling the weekend for everyone.
Why don't you and I spend a day together sometime to get to know each other better and hopefully you will see that I'm a capable wife and mother who's opinions and choices you respect, as I do yours? DH loves you so much, I hate that he is caught in the middle of us.

I suspect that your relationship is far last this though, but I think that your approach will make matters worse for everyone.

Don't send it - as PPs have said above, it will giver her sooo much ammunition.

If DH isn't prepared to stand up to her, perhaps you (just you) could refuse to have anything to do with her and tell your DH this is how it's going to be and you're not going to give an inch.

If he has to put up with her emotional blackmail and tantrums etc., knowing you aren't going to bend to his/her will, perhaps he might step up.

But only you know if your marriage is strong enough to withstand that and whether he will put you first now.

I have a mother like this. I wrote to her and tried to sort things out. It made everything infinitely worse and my letter was far more calm and caring than yours.

Your mils behaviour is crazy making and it’s definitely made you crazy! You’re wound up like a clockwork toy!!

No absolutely don’t send it. She will use that against you til her dying breath. Moreover it will alienate your dp from you at a time when you’re trying to get him on side to face up to reality.

As already advised. Low contact and grey rock. Therapy helps.

So I do want you to send it but for selfish reasons. I would love to see the response. Realistically it would be a stupid idea. You either need to get DH to sort it out with his mother or stop contacting her.

I am so sorry Allthegood that you feel this way and that your feelings aren't validated.
You have the right to feel this way and great that you can vent here in anonymity.
You can send the text but as pps have said will the outcome be what you want? I think you know the answer is no.

So I'd say agree to the burn letter - listing all the incidents and how they make you feel.

Some of this anger is I think towards your DH. So I suggest once you write the facts and the emotions down, agree a time to sit down and talk it through with him. Also write how his lack of support makes you feel and how or what you would like him to do to redress the situation.
Write it down and have a meeting/meetings about it with DH.

The facts are important if he constantly invalidates your feelings about it. I agree your feelings are important but you almost need proof as to why you feel how you do. Not fair I agree.

See how this works.

Keep or burn the letter up to you. But don't send.

If things don't change, you may have to put in place some of the self-saving strategies suggested by pps.

I could have written this text, today or any day over the last 15 years.
When I have tried in the past to raise it have met with resistance from DH.
When I tried with her face to face, she denied it all and then had fil speak to me.
So I did what I suggested to you. DH understood and has been stronger to standing up to his parents and there have been consequences -- our DCs have been punished.

I am sorry. I have 2 sons and I plan to be a better mil - its the only way I can justify how she treats me sometimes as a lesson on not how to treat my future dil or sil

ChakiraChakra Thank you! Wishing I knew how to do the tardis emoji now

I would definitely not send it. In the days before texts I wrote a letter like that to my partners batshit mother who behaviour was a lot like you described. I printed it out as a form of catharsis, tore it up and put it in the bin.
I should have appreciated exactly how bats hit she was however as she let herself into our house and went through the bins.
She sellotaped it back together and was sat on the sofa waiting for me when I got in from work demanding an apology! Clue.... she didn't get one.

Have you read the op or just made a snap judgment or do you think what the mil is doing is acceptable!!

I'd pick one single issue and deal with that first.

My mother in law was similar and my DC could see right through her when they were old enough.
They never had a warm relationship with her.
Your MIL will be the one missing out, not them.

Avoid as much as possible but your DH is another issue.

BertrandRussell what I want to be different is for dh to stand up to his mother, not let her talk to us like children and not tell her everything about our lives. If dh would be united with me about his mother it would be much less of a problem.

brookshelley is your dh on board with you or is he trying to guilt you into going to the event?

You married your Dh, not his family. You are not obliged to partake in any of his family events if you don't want to. Let him off to the party. If he is getting texts from his mother they are his problem. He needs to either ignore and delete them or tell her to stop texting. Tell him you no longer wish to hear about what she has to say and if he starts on about it again just tell him to stop as you are not having this conversation again. If he wants to be a doormat for his mother that's his problem. You however do not have to visit her or put up with any shit in your own house from her. Stand up for yourself as clearly your Dh won't.

Words like 'micromanage' and 'entitled' are so cringe.

I wouldn't! And no offence, but it is full of mistakes and won't put you in a good light (also it's too long to be punchy). Best thing to do would be to put it all to your husband, then ask him to firmly tell her to back off. Much more effective.

And tell your husband to take the kids on the birthday trip.