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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my oh to come home early when I’ve had an emotional trauma?

365 replies

FrankiesMum78 · 10/02/2019 22:45

Sorry, strange title but I didn’t know how to abbreviate this.

Basically my partner had just gone out with his mates when I found out something really upsetting, don’t need to go into details but I was devastated (it wasn’t anything to do with him). It was the first time he’d gone out with the boys for a while so I didn’t want to drag him back home straight away, and I thought I could keep it together for a bit.

I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.

Three hours later he rolled in drunk, in the meantime I’d cried my eyes raw. It wasn’t terribly late at night but they had gone out really early.

Now, on top of being so upset about the original thing, I’m mad as hell that he abandoned me when I needed him, but he said it’s my fault for not letting him know how upset I really was. For me to send an SOS text like that is totally out of character and should’ve set alarmbells ringing, especially as I also texted to say I would come and get him but was too upset to be giving all his friends lifts home too.

I feel really let down, but also angry that (as usual) he’s managing to turn my anger at his behaviour round so that somehow he’s the wounded party.

It’s a blow as after quite a few ups and downs I felt that things were working out.

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.

OP posts:
MrsGarethSouthgate · 10/02/2019 23:55

Did you tell him what the something was that had upset you? Or did you just say you were upset at something?

AnyFucker · 10/02/2019 23:56

The MN equivalent of vaguebooking

< yawn >

WendyCope · 10/02/2019 23:56

He didn't 'abandon' you, he was already out with his friends. Who you say he doesn't see much.

Haven't RTFT, it's silly.

Itsyersel · 10/02/2019 23:57

@FrankiesMum78....going by that long post you wrote a few minutes ago....you seem like you think you are perfect, you come across like a bit of an arse...and I suspect you are a bit of a drama Queen. HTH

Original poster
FrankiesMum78 · 10/02/2019 23:58

OlennasWimple

“I wouldn't call being out for a further three hours "staying out late" or "abandoning" you”

When you are hurting with no one to lean on 3 hours is a lifetime, but then him coming home drunk left me ‘alone’ and feeling abandoned even when he was back.

OP posts:
PCohle · 10/02/2019 23:58

I'm sorry something upsetting had happened.

I think you do need to be clearer in your communications with him. "Don't get too drunk or stay out too late" = you can get a certain amount drunk and stay out for a bit. If you wanted him to come home at once I think you needed to say that.

Saying you didn't want to ruin his evening by summoning him home and then being really upset he didn't psychically know you were in fact summoning him home is unfair (and probably did ruin his night!).

Is there a chance his ability to detect nuance in your message was affected by the fact he'd already had a couple of drinks when he got it?

I appreciate you don't want to reveal what has upset you, but if it something that effects him too (eg to do with fertility) he may just have wanted time to process himself.

IAmNotAWitch · 10/02/2019 23:59

It is a lot easier to just tell people what you want from them, then be vague and hope that they guess.

I had some bad health news the other day. I called DH, told him the news, said I was pretty upset and could mhe please come home now I needed him. He came immediately.

He does the same when he needs something from me. We have taught our kids the same. It just makes everything so much simpler.

Original poster
FrankiesMum78 · 11/02/2019 00:01

Itsyersel

“going by that long post you wrote a few minutes ago....you seem like you think you are perfect, you come across like a bit of an arse...and I suspect you are a bit of a drama Queen. HTH“

I wrote that long post to try and respond to a lot of comments in one go, and I am far from perfect, but thanks for your support.

OP posts:
Itsyersel · 11/02/2019 00:02

@FrankiesMum78

You are very welcome Smile

Fabaunt · 11/02/2019 00:02

To be honest OP you sound very high maintenance and extremely hard work. You’re clearly not too traumatized that you can stay online trying to belittle your partner when he came home early from his night out. “Please come home” and proceeds to spend the time on mums net instead.

YBVU

Original poster
FrankiesMum78 · 11/02/2019 00:03

@PCohle I think you’re right. It is very out of character, and if people on here knew me they would understand why a text like that is a red flag. Thanks for your kind comments, very much appreciated.

OP posts:
wireswireswires · 11/02/2019 00:03

It is actually impossible to judge without knowing what happened. And you're asking out opinions.

My sister in law has these meltdowns st Leary once a week. But each time she'd say she's not prone to them so....

FredaFox · 11/02/2019 00:04

If it was so important to you that he came home why not call him?
If I'm out with friends i don't sit on my phone checking texts. It's rude

Shodan · 11/02/2019 00:04

I can't believe some of these replies. Do you all really need a loved one to spell out exactly what has happened before you'll respond to a cry for help? Do you really expect an explicit request to come home?

If just a friend of mine texted me what the OP said - I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. - I would go immediately, not fanny about thinking "Oh well, they didn't ask me to come home, so I'm going to sit here and get drunk without a care in the world"

If my partner had texted me that I'd have been out of the pub like a shot, regardless of whether they've given all the gory details by text.

If someone you claim to love sends a message asking for moral support, a shoulder to cry on, because something upsetting has happened, you go. It's not difficult to have some empathy.

OP I would be pissed off at a partner who did what yours did. It sounds like he lacks emotional intelligence tbh.

wireswireswires · 11/02/2019 00:04

At least! Good god my phone is being rotten today!

Original poster
FrankiesMum78 · 11/02/2019 00:06

Fabaunt

“To be honest OP you sound very high maintenance and extremely hard work. You’re clearly not too traumatized that you can stay online trying to belittle your partner when he came home early from his night out. “Please come home” and proceeds to spend the time on mums net instead.

YBVU“

Or maybe I have no one to turn to and foolishly thought this community would offer kindness and support, to help me see if I had behaved badly? I am not belittling him, if I was I’d have outed him to his mates on Facebook.

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 11/02/2019 00:07

I hate it when posters say "You sound like hard work". Like you can tell from a couple of posts.

However, I would guess two things, OP. First is that he didn't realise how upset you were. Second is that he felt he was doing what you had requested (not staying out late and not getting too drunk).

I don't think you have a reason to be angry (or mad) with him, but I can understand you feeling a bit fed up he didn't try to connect the dots.

WendyCope · 11/02/2019 00:08

Seems pretty together now though Grin

Pinkyyy · 11/02/2019 00:08

I am not belittling him, if I was I’d have outed him to his mates on Facebook

Bloody hell OP. I was holding on for a reason to provide you with some sympathy, but that's too ridiculous to put into words.

Original poster
FrankiesMum78 · 11/02/2019 00:11

LemonTT

“Excited you had a right to be upset with him because he knew what happened. In this case the OP didn’t tell him what happened. He had to deduce it from a text saying come home early which he did. No matter what the magnitude of the event, his reasonableness remains the same. He didn’t have hindsight.”

You’re right, I wasn’t explicit enough, but he didn’t come home early. As a rule oh and his mates only go out for between 3 and 4 hours. I think what upset me more was he was drunk, so flaked our once he got back.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrankiesMum78 · 11/02/2019 00:13

Pinkyyy

“I am not belittling him, if I was I’d have outed him to his mates on Facebook

Bloody hell OP. I was holding on for a reason to provide you with some sympathy, but that's too ridiculous to put into words.“

I was just making a point, good god you don’t think I actually considered doing that?

OP posts:
BrizzleMint · 11/02/2019 00:14

You need to say (to him) what happened.

"Please come home ASAP we've been burgled" is very different to "Don't stay out too late because I'm upset"

PrismGuile · 11/02/2019 00:14

You should have made your expectations clear.

WendyCope · 11/02/2019 00:14

You're just trying to garner sympathy and you're not going to get it.

Give up OP YABVU.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 11/02/2019 00:16

If you needed him to come home, you should have said "I need you to come home", and you should have called rather than texted. Since you texted and just said "Don't be late", it is reasonable to think it wasn't that urgent, especially since you didn't say what the problem was. You'll do a lot better if you learn to be specific and communicate clearly.

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