To expect my oh to come home early when I’ve had an emotional trauma?

[FrankiesMum78]

Sorry, strange title but I didn’t know how to abbreviate this.

Basically my partner had just gone out with his mates when I found out something really upsetting, don’t need to go into details but I was devastated (it wasn’t anything to do with him). It was the first time he’d gone out with the boys for a while so I didn’t want to drag him back home straight away, and I thought I could keep it together for a bit.

I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.

Three hours later he rolled in drunk, in the meantime I’d cried my eyes raw. It wasn’t terribly late at night but they had gone out really early.

Now, on top of being so upset about the original thing, I’m mad as hell that he abandoned me when I needed him, but he said it’s my fault for not letting him know how upset I really was. For me to send an SOS text like that is totally out of character and should’ve set alarmbells ringing, especially as I also texted to say I would come and get him but was too upset to be giving all his friends lifts home too.

I feel really let down, but also angry that (as usual) he’s managing to turn my anger at his behaviour round so that somehow he’s the wounded party.

It’s a blow as after quite a few ups and downs I felt that things were working out.

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.

If your text message was as vague as this I'm amazed he came back so early. So YABU

I think you didn't communicate well that you needed him, he's not a mind reader like others said. The traumatic incident does out things in context so knowing that will help to know if you are being unreasonable or not

Without knowing details, the answer can range from “you are needy and won’t even let him be out with his friends for a few hours so you made up an emergency for him to run back home” to “LTB” if there was a real emergency and he neglected you. Impossible to tell.

Eh? Don't understand these comments. Sounds like she was explicit. She asked him not to get drunk and to come home.

Surely, if it was a genuine emotional trauma, you would have rang him no matter where he was?
For instance, if a family member had passed away/was gravely I'll, my DH would come to be with me no matter how long it had been since he saw his friends.
Texting might have minimised your distress?

If it was a genuine trauma-eg x has died, why didn’t you just tell him what had happened?

you’re very dramatic.

Whatever it is, OP clearly feels upset by it. I doubt this thread is helping much.
Difficult to answer, yes. Time to stick the boot in? Probably not.

My ex went out for drinks after work the day my friend died. It’s the most disappointed and upset I ever was at him (other than our break up not long later). We knew it was imminent but that wasn’t the point. I had the day off work, and I text him in the morning to let him know it had happened. Apparently I should have told him to come home straight after work, so it was my fault. Men can be utter dicks.

Why is everyone asking the OP what the story is? Seems like rubbernecking. Surely if she's upset and asks for help, he should come back.

Unless this happens every week and OP has left that out, of course...

Thanks for the feedback so far, well mostly. I realise that reading my post back through someone else’s eyes that doesn’t know me it might seem very different and you don’t know me. Just to respond to a few things:

No, I am not prone to being clingy/jealous/high maintenance/controlling etc, far from it - my oh goes out with the boys frequently, just not recently, and I always happily drive them there and back to save them wasting their money on taxis.

No, I am not prone to ‘emotional traumas’, as I put in my post it is very out of character for me, which is probably why I didn’t handle it as well as I could’ve with hindsight.

No, I don’t get angry very often, I am a very laid back, easy going and accepting person, but when I do get upset about something my oh has said/done/not done he always manages to turn it round and somehow cone out the victim.

And no, I don’t lay traps to see if he falls into them, or ‘test’ him, or set him up to fail, those replies actually made me laugh as that’s not something I would expect any grown up to do. Not the ones I know anyway.

I don’t think it matters what it is that has happened, and I resent those of you that offered very flippant suggestions. To even come on here and ask was a big thing for me and I don’t appreciate being trivialised. I came for honest, respectful opinion and advice. Actually, it is something very significant to me, not trivial and it’s no ones business but ours.

All that being said, I can see some points of view that I could’ve made it more explicit that I was so upset. If you knew me you would know that I wouldn’t even suggest him coming home early unless it was serious, but I didn’t want to ruin his night entirely by summoning him home. With hindsight I should have, but it certainly wasn’t something I could’ve talked about in a text or even over the phone.

Thanks for those that have offered genuine fair opinions, I really appreciate it and realise that I should have been clearer and have been unfair on him. That’s why I came here, for your honest and kind advice.

For you judgy people, I expect you feel a bit clever scrutinising my post and sitting on your high horses, and maybe your replies are actually a reflection of yourselves!

Excited you had a right to be upset with him because he knew what happened. In this case the OP didn’t tell him what happened. He had to deduce it from a text saying come home early which he did. No matter what the magnitude of the event, his reasonableness remains the same. He didn’t have hindsight.

Cant say really.. from what you've put it sounds as though you are being slightly over dramatic about it. But that's without knowing the severity of the traumatic event. I'm sure there are some events which would render your anger understandable.
But without knowledge of the 3xact event it does sound like you've overreacted slightly here.
You texted him not to be out late and he actually wasnt. You didnt ask him to come home right away so why did you expect him to? You also say he doesn't go out often and so I cant really understand the level of anger directed at him. It's not his fault that whatever happened happend at the same time as he was out drinking. He was probably already pretty drunk when you texted and didnt grasp that you were as upset as you actually were. From the detail you've given it sounds like hes not really done anything wrong tbh.
Are you sure you arent just upset about what happend but kind of taing it out on him a bit because he is close to you?
It does seem like you are putting quite a lot of emotional pressure on this guy... and without understanding how severe the event was I cannot know whether that is understandable or not.

I hope you are feeling better though I do know it must have felt like a very big deal to text for help if you dont usually reach out like that. But it may not have seemed as big a deal on the other side as it felt to you. If you worded it how you said you did and he had already been drinking not surprised he did not rush back.

Well. If I was distraught then I'd call and say come home. Or text and say call me please, it is an emergency. And expect that response. I wouldn't say stay out , but not too late.

And I've had sadly to make a call like this.

@Dustyfan she meant 'please come home now', but she wrote 'don't be too drunk, don't be too late'. As long as he could've got drunker and could've been later, he complied with a slightly non-specific request

OP you resent that people are guessing at something trivial, but my guess is that you're new around here. It's not uncommon on Mumsnet for people to see a small insignificant thing (much like those which posters have mentioned- in jest) as a huge, life altering occurrence.

I was on your other thread Op did you and DH have the 'talk' re the chores??

You sounded down

FruminousBandersnatch

“Unless this happens every week and OP has left that out, of course...“

No, it doesn’t, very out of character.

I think it's sad you didn't have a friend to call fo support. If you wanted him to come home you should have said. Hope you, and whatever it was are ok now.

MarthasGinYard

“I was on your other thread Op did you and DH have the 'talk' re the chores??

You sounded down“

I was, and we did, it all got a lot better. Thanks so much for asking x

I wouldn't call being out for a further three hours "staying out late" or "abandoning" you

When my dad died, my husband was at work. I called him and told him my dad died and asked him to come home. Ask for what you want.

Missingstreetlife

“I think it's sad you didn't have a friend to call fo support. If you wanted him to come home you should have said. Hope you, and whatever it was are ok now.”

I don’t have anyone that close since I lost my dearest friend some years ago. It will get better with time, thanks, you just sometimes need someone to lean on. X

Yes - but we don’t know you do we??? You came into here being so vague, vague enough to imply your partner is a real arsehole for leaving you in your emotional trauma, but you don’t want to tell us the drama? What if your the sort of person to be emotional about your pet goldfish? Then of course majority would say YABU. Did someone die? Then of course YANBU.

But you don’t want to tell us the details for us to make a proper view in things, you just want to tell us enough to blame your partner. That, in itself is downright unreasonable.