To expect my oh to come home early when I’ve had an emotional trauma?

[FrankiesMum78]

Sorry, strange title but I didn’t know how to abbreviate this.

Basically my partner had just gone out with his mates when I found out something really upsetting, don’t need to go into details but I was devastated (it wasn’t anything to do with him). It was the first time he’d gone out with the boys for a while so I didn’t want to drag him back home straight away, and I thought I could keep it together for a bit.

I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.

Three hours later he rolled in drunk, in the meantime I’d cried my eyes raw. It wasn’t terribly late at night but they had gone out really early.

Now, on top of being so upset about the original thing, I’m mad as hell that he abandoned me when I needed him, but he said it’s my fault for not letting him know how upset I really was. For me to send an SOS text like that is totally out of character and should’ve set alarmbells ringing, especially as I also texted to say I would come and get him but was too upset to be giving all his friends lifts home too.

I feel really let down, but also angry that (as usual) he’s managing to turn my anger at his behaviour round so that somehow he’s the wounded party.

It’s a blow as after quite a few ups and downs I felt that things were working out.

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.

LaFreaka Mon 11-Feb-19 15:47:59
Lot of people pissed off that they didn't get to find out what the trauma is - well done OP for not telling! How to drive MN mad. grin

Honestly no one cares what the trauma is. It's just that you can't answer "am I being unreasonable?" if you don't know what level of upset you're talking about. If I started a thread, "I've packed up all my husband's possessions in boxes and left them outside with the bins. AIBU?" How can anyone answer that if I refuse to say what he did. "He upset me" is meaningless. Maybe I'm the kind of person who gets upset if someone moves my favourite coffee mug. Or maybe he slept with my sister. I'd hope I'd get different responses.

Honestly no one cares what the trauma is
Ohh Passing of course they care - it's the drama and this thread has been nothing but drama. It's like a tame episode of Eastenders. I'm glad the OP did not divulge her disappointing news - she made the mistake of assuming she'd get a reasoned discussion. On another night, maybe another part of MN she would have, she's not the first one to come a cropper on AIBU, she'll have learnt her lesson that it's not the place to ask for advice, it the place for other people to have fun fucking with your head - joining a pack mentality, showing little understanding or humanity.

@LaFreaka you're glad that the OP has wasted multiple people's time? They've taken the time to compose an answer to try and help her in her situation, some have even offered kind words of support. The OP wanted a bit of attention, she got it and promptly left.

They've taken the time to compose an answer to try and help her in her situation, some have even offered kind words of support

Oh come off it, it’s a post on a forum not a summons. The very nature of being on MN is wasting time

No-one is forced to reply, any reply you do make to any thread on MN should be with the awareness that you don’t actually know the full or indeed any of the story.

Anyone who spends time they don’t have on a forum is foolish anyway

you're glad that the OP has wasted multiple people's time? FFS it's an internet forum - we all waste fucking hours reading trivial shitye. Get off your arse and do something else - blaming the OP for poster's overuse of the internet is bloody ridiculous. You waste time on the internet - your choice - no one made you or anyone else.

Pinkyyy

90% of posters on here have probably enjoyed having a rant at the OP, I doubt they’ll be upset about wasting their time replying They’ll be reading/posting on other threads wasting time just as I am!

Agree Jacques!

Op, this is difficult as we do not know what the upset trigger was. What ever it was is by the by now.

Sometimes in life things happen and we find ourselves alone in that moment or situation. We all need to be prepared and equipped to support ourselves at some point as we cannot be in company 24/7. Given that your DH was on one of his rare nights out and yr text was vague, i would cut him some slack here.

We all perceive things differently so what you may find upsetting others may not. Yes, we all need people to rely on and turn to from time to time,but not all of have that. Some have that but not everyone is contactable 24/7. In the nicest possible way OP I think once the upset of your issues has passed you may find it helpful to look at ways in which you can prepare yourself, moving forward, to cope with things initially yourself. Using your own inner resources will always stand you in good stead. As you found on your DH's night out, something happened and ultimately you needed yourself to get you through. I would focus and work on that moving forward and less on the who was or was not there during your hour of need.

Sorry for whatever it was that happened OP, I hope you are ok and getting the support ypu want irl, now. I for one don't feel the need to know at all actually whatever the event was, but it is reasonable to say you can't really expect an opinion from people who can't form one without the info they need to judge the severity.
With that said I don't think pinning your entire emotional need on your DP is healthy. Unless someone had died i wouldve left him to it knowing he's busy, and sought some comfort elsewhere IF I really needed. Certain bad news, and dealing with it alone for a few hours or indefinitely is a part of adult life and whilst we may look to other people to meet our needs in those situations, that doesn't make it a right, or their responsibility.
If you wanted him to rush directly home to make you feel you come first you should have directly said so. Do you think he would have?

I think it would sting me a bit that he'd got incredibly drunk when I'd expressed I needed him. But I think unless this stems from a permanent dynamic of you not feeling loved or being abandoned by him, I'd just make notes to be clearer next time, or resolve to not manage my own upset. Crying is normal when we are sad or hurt, it doesn't require another adult to rush to us.

do we know what the bad news was yet? so we can work out if an over reaction or not?

@Romanov no we haven't and OP has steadfastly refused to tell us. I think it's a safe bet that she isn't going to cave in and tell us what upset her now.

Agree with PP, without knowing what it was, it's difficult to comment. And that is exactly the position OP put her DP in.

He had no idea what had happened either. People aren't mind readers. If you wanted him to come home you should have said so directly.

Agree with PPs, it's hard to say without knowing what kind of 'upsetting event' it was.
Tbh OP sounds dramatic despite the protests otherwise. You can't expect the dh to drop everything because of a cryptic text. I feel like op checks into hospital on Facebook and replies with 'inbox me hun'

One question, OP, as it doesn't come through in your first post...

Once he got home/sobered up - did DP offer you the support you needed? Because the way you have written, in that you are still angry at him 2 days later, it reads that even when he found out what the emotional trauma was, he wasn't supportive, but turned himself into the victim.

If that is the case, you have a serious problem IMO (assuming you are not over dramatising, as others have suggested - in whcih case he would have a problem).

But he may have been unsupportive and the "victim" because the emotional trauma was not that bad.

The OP wanted everyone to pile in and agree her dh is a toad, but even MNetters can't condemn a man on the strength no information at all. I'm sure many are chomping at the bit to declare him a heel and holler LTB etc etc, but on the bare facts and in the absence of any other evidence, if I were Judge Judy I'd be finding in favour of the dh!