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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my oh to come home early when I’ve had an emotional trauma?

365 replies

FrankiesMum78 · 10/02/2019 22:45

Sorry, strange title but I didn’t know how to abbreviate this.

Basically my partner had just gone out with his mates when I found out something really upsetting, don’t need to go into details but I was devastated (it wasn’t anything to do with him). It was the first time he’d gone out with the boys for a while so I didn’t want to drag him back home straight away, and I thought I could keep it together for a bit.

I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.

Three hours later he rolled in drunk, in the meantime I’d cried my eyes raw. It wasn’t terribly late at night but they had gone out really early.

Now, on top of being so upset about the original thing, I’m mad as hell that he abandoned me when I needed him, but he said it’s my fault for not letting him know how upset I really was. For me to send an SOS text like that is totally out of character and should’ve set alarmbells ringing, especially as I also texted to say I would come and get him but was too upset to be giving all his friends lifts home too.

I feel really let down, but also angry that (as usual) he’s managing to turn my anger at his behaviour round so that somehow he’s the wounded party.

It’s a blow as after quite a few ups and downs I felt that things were working out.

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.

OP posts:

twattymctwatterson · 10/02/2019 23:02

It sounds like he was out for around 4 hours? That's not what I would consider to be an excessive amount of time. I also think that if you wanted him to come straight home you should have told him exactly what was wrong and asked him to come straight home. You set him up to fail

Biffsboys · 10/02/2019 23:02

Saying please don’t be late or have too many beers would not say I’m devastated please come home ?
If you wanted him home you should have said please come home , I need you here ??

QuintadiMalago · 10/02/2019 23:03

I don't see why anyone here has to know what the traumatic event was. It was traumatic for you and that's all that matters. But your partner is not a mind reader, you sent him a text and expected him to immediately realise that you needed support. Did you tell him in the text what had happened. If not then you are being unreasonable. If you did tell him about the traumatic event then he's a bit of a shit for not coming home sooner

Bananasarenottheonlyfruit · 10/02/2019 23:03

Did you actually tell him what had happened? Or just a vague, something bad happened, please don't be late?

lifebegins50 · 10/02/2019 23:04

I’m mad as hell that he abandoned me when I needed him

That seems an overreaction as he is there now and didn't abandon you.
I think you might need to accept it was lousy timing, you didn't make your expectations clear and your anger is probably being misdirected because you are upset.

justasking111 · 10/02/2019 23:05

My OH would not have got a subtle message like that at all. He had probably downed at least two pints by then, so you wouldn`t have a prayer unless you had texted the house was on fire.

Original poster

FrankiesMum78 · 10/02/2019 23:05

Some really interesting comments, how can I reply by quoting a post? Do I have to copy and paste? Thanks

OP posts:

TheSmallAssassin · 10/02/2019 23:05

Sorry that whatever has happened to you has happened, but agree with others that he's not a mind reader, you should have been much more explicit on your message. Let the anger at him go so he can support you.

SparkiePolastri · 10/02/2019 23:06

Yes - copy and paste to quote.

NotStayingIn · 10/02/2019 23:06

...(as usual) he’s managing to turn my anger at his behaviour round so that somehow he’s the wounded party.

'As usual'? Is it possible that you are often unclear in expressing what you would prefer him to do? And then criticise him when he doesn't guess right?

Lizzie48 · 10/02/2019 23:06

I confess I've been guilty of expecting my DH to be a mind reader and have had a go at him unfairly when he hasn't been able to pick up on pick up on how bad I'm feeling.

PPs are right, it was setting him up to fail if you didn't spell out to him that you needed him to come home early because you needed him.

AutumnCrow · 10/02/2019 23:06

It's so hard to say, without knowing what happened and what your text said.

AintNobodyHereButUsReindeer · 10/02/2019 23:07

I have to agree with pretty much everyone else, it totally depends on the magnitude of whatever happened, and whether you actually told him specifically that "X has happened" or if you really said "Something upsetting has happened", because something could be anything. I'd be upset if someone ate my last piece of cake for example...

Houseonahill · 10/02/2019 23:07

You can copy and paste, if you put a at the start and end it will bold it like this bold without spaces makes bold*

BackforGood · 10/02/2019 23:07

YABU, based on what you have written.
I'm very sorry if you have had an actual emotional trauma.
From reading a LOT of MN, that phrase could be used differently by different people.
If you needed him though, because something terrible had happened, then YWBU to send him a text asking him not to be late and not to be too late back. If you needed him you needed to phone him and tell him what had happened - or at very least that you had just had some really shocking news and you needed him to come home then - so he knew that.

over50andfab · 10/02/2019 23:08

Sorry to say but even if it was a devastating thing that happened, I don’t think you communicated this properly and then you had a go at him when he’d had a few beers - with mates that you say he hadn’t seen for a while. He would not have been in the best frame of mind to discuss this at that point.

I also wonder how often you are angry with him?

AnyFucker · 10/02/2019 23:08

Well...are you going to tell us what the traumatic incident was ?

BlueCornishPixie · 10/02/2019 23:11

It does depend how traumatic really and what it was.

I would say if it was something he knew might happen or had the possibility of happening, or he definitely knew what had happened then be was being a dick.

If it was a total shock, he had no idea it could happen or you didn't tell him what had happened then you can't really expect him to come home to that text. To me with no context that text would annoy me, it seems more like you don't want him going out than actually something has happened. Not saying that is the case, but if he had no idea what had happened and all he had to go on was something upsetting has happened then it reads that way.

legolimb · 10/02/2019 23:12

Hard to say as we don't know how serious the issue was.

BlueCornishPixie · 10/02/2019 23:13

I think you could have communicated what had happened better. It's all a bit vague and attention seekery. If something genuinely upsetting had happened I don't get why you would actually text him what had happened?

AnyFucker · 10/02/2019 23:13

Annoying these threads, aren't they ?

Butteredghost · 10/02/2019 23:14

The fact that you don't want to say what it was leads me to believe it wasn't serious and you know it OP. Therefore I will say YABU.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/02/2019 23:14

Indeed.

JaesseJexaMaipru · 10/02/2019 23:14

You didn't tell him why it was important so that's why yabu. A vague "please don't be late" could easily be interpreted as being a bit clingy and controlling. We also have no idea whether you have form for suffering terrible tragedies whenever he has an opportunity to stretch his wings.

If you don't have a history of needing him to cancel plans due to dead goldfish/stubbed toe/etc then a text saying "please come home by 9.30 - something bad has happened and I need you" would have been a lot more sensible rather than something that could easily be misunderstood.

Original poster

FrankiesMum78 · 10/02/2019 23:15

@Houseonahill thanks. My phone isn’t behaving but will have a go.

OP posts:

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