To expect my oh to come home early when I’ve had an emotional trauma?

[FrankiesMum78]

Sorry, strange title but I didn’t know how to abbreviate this.

Basically my partner had just gone out with his mates when I found out something really upsetting, don’t need to go into details but I was devastated (it wasn’t anything to do with him). It was the first time he’d gone out with the boys for a while so I didn’t want to drag him back home straight away, and I thought I could keep it together for a bit.

I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.

Three hours later he rolled in drunk, in the meantime I’d cried my eyes raw. It wasn’t terribly late at night but they had gone out really early.

Now, on top of being so upset about the original thing, I’m mad as hell that he abandoned me when I needed him, but he said it’s my fault for not letting him know how upset I really was. For me to send an SOS text like that is totally out of character and should’ve set alarmbells ringing, especially as I also texted to say I would come and get him but was too upset to be giving all his friends lifts home too.

I feel really let down, but also angry that (as usual) he’s managing to turn my anger at his behaviour round so that somehow he’s the wounded party.

It’s a blow as after quite a few ups and downs I felt that things were working out.

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.

I can understand you not wanting to say on here what the issue was but not telling your partner and being vague is not going to help matters. If something had happened to me I would just tell my DP rather than being all cloak and dagger about it.
From the Facebook comment, you do sound rather over dramatic. Why not just tell your partner what had happened?

I was just making a point, good god you don’t think I actually considered doing that?

How would we know?

You said you could've done it - people do do it - and we don't know you from Adam.

Poor bloke.

I regretted turning to Mumsnet at first, I’d only ever posted something on here once before and was surprised at how judgement all people can be.

But actually, some reasoned and kind posts have made me see past my anger at my oh and realise I did give him mixed messages. So instead of being upset with him I can now focus on what happened originally. And for all of you rubberneckers it’s none of your business what it was about, I just hope you never, ever have cause to feel that way.

I didn’t come here for sympathy, I cane for honest, respectful opinions. Thank you to those that gave them.

I don't think people really want to know what happened, per se.

But are asking more to demonstrate that without knowing what the event was, they can't say categorically whether your DH was being unreasonable, given the way you (sort of) asked him to come home (but not immediately), IYSWIM.

Hopefully you can put this behind you, and get the support you need from him.

**FrankiesMum78

I regretted turning to Mumsnet at first, I’d only ever posted something on here once before and was surprised at how judgement all people can be.

But actually, some reasoned and kind posts have made me see past my anger at my oh and realise I did give him mixed messages. So instead of being upset with him I can now focus on what happened originally. And for all of you rubberneckers it’s none of your business what it was about, I just hope you never, ever have cause to feel that way.

I didn’t come here for sympathy, I cane for honest, respectful opinions. Thank you to those that gave them.

What exactly where you hoping everyone would say,? Was it just to turn into a men bashing thread,?

Well next time be explicit with him. If you want him home tell him.

And given you have been posting since, I am assuming that you are coping with whatever happened.

* ATTENTION SEEKING *

Itsyersel

“What exactly where you hoping everyone would say,? Was it just to turn into a men bashing thread,?”

I thought I explained that, I came here for people’s opinions, to see if folk thought I was being unreasonable, and actually I can see that I should’ve been more direct and called him and asked him to come home. Isn’t that was this forum is for, to ask for advice?

MsPavlichenko

“Well next time be explicit with him. If you want him home tell him.

And given you have been posting since, I am assuming that you are coping with whatever happened.“

Assume what you like, and I sincerely hope there isn’t a next time. I rather wrongly thought this site was a place for support and honest advice, not for people to be judgemental.

The problem is OP that what it is kind of DOES matter because so many people make a big drama out of unimportant things. You've said that you're not that kind of person, but that wasn't clear from your OP and nobody on here knows you, so that's something that was in everyone's mind when you were so vague about it.

If you're being honest that you almost never get upset about anything and that anyone who knows you in the slightest would know it was something very serious from your message, then yes, your DP is selfish. If my OH sent me that message I would call them and offer to come home immediately because they also do not get upset over small things and I'd obviously be concerned! That's a normal response.

SparkiePolastri

Thanks x

I don't get why the OP is getting quite such a hard time... Yes she should've been clearer in her text to her DP, but it's hardly the crime of the century to be less than direct about something, and she's acknowledged her mistake and accepted the general consensus of 'tell him what you want, don't hint at it' with minimal kicking and screaming, which puts her one up on many. OP ignore the nasty comments, and i hope you're ok.

NunoGoncalves I wasn’t being vague, I was being private about the cause of the distress. Thanks for your supportive words though, much appreciated.

I don't think people really want to know what happened, per se. But are asking more to demonstrate that without knowing what the event was, they can't say categorically whether your DH was being u

Yes, this. Just RTFT, and don't see how people are going to be able to say whether you are BU or not as it totally depends on the situation!
You say yourself he rarely goes out. After a few drinks and a vague "don't be late back" you'd carry on as normal but come home a bit earlier than you had planned so before midnight
Was it something really upsetting like a family member taken ill? Or a sad film on the telly/lost your favourite item of jewellery?
Impossible to say

wowsertrousers Thanks, that’s why I can’t hrte, for someone else’s point of view. The person I would normally ask would be him, so pretty out on my own on this one. All my friends are our joint friends so would never discuss this sort of thing with them as that would be like slagging him off to them, which isn’t fair. X

The problem is OP that what it is kind of DOES matter because so many people make a big drama out of unimportant things. You've said that you're not that kind of person, but that wasn't clear from your OP and nobody on here knows you, so that's something that was in everyone's mind when you were so vague about it.

Yes, this too. I have a friend whose X husband used to ring up/text and make excuses/flat out lies of kids feeling poorly etc to get her to go back home.
As he didn't like her being on a girly night out or away from him.
Even though she was doing nothing wrong - just a few occasional drinks and even fewer occasional nights out she managed to get out and see her mates

Was it something really upsetting like a family member taken ill? Or a sad film on the telly/lost your favourite item of jewellery?
Impossible to say

It is difficult to say but if we take OP at face value when she says:

No, I am not prone to being clingy/jealous/high maintenance/controlling etc

No, I am not prone to ‘emotional traumas’, as I put in my post it is very out of character

No, I don’t get angry very often, I am a very laid back, easy going and accepting person

then I would think it odd for her DP not to worry and call her when she texts saying I found out something really upsettin and I'm devastated. In fact, the indirectness/lack of detail would make me MORE like to call my partner in that situation! It's kind of a worrying text from a laid back, easy-going, drama-free person that you love, isn't it?

That is my honest advice. And I am not judging. Be direct, always the best approach in my opinion.

I thought you were getting unfair comments until you accused people on this thread of 'rubbernecking'.

You posted on a public forum in aibu asking for opinions with not enough info to give an opinion.

What the ever loving fuck did you think was going to happen? Everyone just blinded agree with you? Go yell in to an echo chamber if that's what you were after, not post asking for opinions if you didn't want them!

Should have rung him. A text means nothing.

I don't get why the OP is getting quite such a hard time... Yes she should've been clearer in her text to her DP, but it's hardly the crime of the century to be less than direct about something, and she's acknowledged her mistake and accepted the general consensus of 'tell him what you want, don't hint at it' with minimal kicking and screaming, which puts her one up on many. OP ignore the nasty comments, and i hope you're ok.

^^ completely agree.

GlitterStick

“The problem is OP that what it is kind of DOES matter because so many people make a big drama out of unimportant things. You've said that you're not that kind of person, but that wasn't clear from your OP and nobody on here knows you, so that's something that was in everyone's mind when you were so vague about it.“

No, it doesn’t matter to anyone here what the reason is. It is important and distressing to me as isn’t for anyone else to judge. Yes I realize I should’ve been more direct and just asked him to come home, but as I said in my original post, for me to send a text like that is very unusual and should set alarm bells ringing as it is not a normal thing for us. And I never said he rarely goes out, I said it was the first time for a while. Thanks for your reply though.

Do you really expect an explicit request to come home?

Yes!

Hope your feeling better OP and can start to come to terms with what upset you. You should have been more explicit with your partner but he should have been more caring