To expect my oh to come home early when I’ve had an emotional trauma?

[FrankiesMum78]

Sorry, strange title but I didn’t know how to abbreviate this.

Basically my partner had just gone out with his mates when I found out something really upsetting, don’t need to go into details but I was devastated (it wasn’t anything to do with him). It was the first time he’d gone out with the boys for a while so I didn’t want to drag him back home straight away, and I thought I could keep it together for a bit.

I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.

Three hours later he rolled in drunk, in the meantime I’d cried my eyes raw. It wasn’t terribly late at night but they had gone out really early.

Now, on top of being so upset about the original thing, I’m mad as hell that he abandoned me when I needed him, but he said it’s my fault for not letting him know how upset I really was. For me to send an SOS text like that is totally out of character and should’ve set alarmbells ringing, especially as I also texted to say I would come and get him but was too upset to be giving all his friends lifts home too.

I feel really let down, but also angry that (as usual) he’s managing to turn my anger at his behaviour round so that somehow he’s the wounded party.

It’s a blow as after quite a few ups and downs I felt that things were working out.

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.

How can it be remotely confidential or outing to say a siblings marriage ended, this is an anonymous forum, millions of people divorce each year. Many of them are someone's sibling. And she could have subtly changed it to friend or something.

Were you as vague about about upsetting incident with your OH as you are with us?

We can’t give advice unless we know kind of what you’re on about. No mega details - you could put “regards death or miscarriage or lost my favourite blankie”.

Emotional trauma.
Read: Found out a massive spoiler in which my favourite character from my favourite TV show dies.

She doesn't need to even give all details correct, to give the gist of it/show what level it was.

For example. If her best friend had died, she could say that her aunt died (probably would be viewed as a similar level)

If her dog died, make it her cat instead.

We don't need to know the specifics, but if we don't know the rough 'level' of it, then of course we can't decide if he was unreasonable. And if he didn't know, then he couldn't make that decision either.

I rather wrongly thought this site was a place for support and honest advice, not for people to be judgemental.

Relationships is.
Bereavement is
General Health is.
Chat is.
There are dozens - possibly hundreds of areas on this board for support and honest advice, even sympathy and hand holding. It has been brilliant over the years for all of those things.
However Clearly a board called 'Am I being unreasonable?' is precisely for people to make a judgement, on the information given, and let you know if they think you are BU or not. It sort of does what it says on the tin.

foolishly thought this community would offer kindness and support

In AIBU? Really?!

@OP I'm assuming you're not coming back, but if you do and you see this, I'm sorry for whatever you're going through.
Can I ask, was the news expected? Just for example, when my grandma died, we knew it was coming roughly but still one hell of a shock when it happened. The news felt like it came out of nowhere. DH saw me take the call and then he knew what must have happened by my face. If he had of been out I would have just text him saying "it's happened" or "please come home".
I, like you, don't text DH SOS texts on a night out. I'm a firm believer that we all deserve time and space away to be with our friends and do whatever we do. If I text DH something other than "have a great night, say hi to for me" he would know there was a problem.
The reason I ask if the news was somewhat expected is because if I was and you sent a text like that, I would assume he would be able to figure out that "it" had happened and come home. If the news was totally unexpected then he may well have taken that as a warning not to be too late (especially if he had already had a drink).

It sounds like whatever this is is really hard for you, please don't misplace your anger at him (even if some is warranted)

It's impossible to say without knowing the severity of your 'emotional trauma'. I know you don't want to give details but you could give a hint. It could be anything from a hangnail to you being attacked and your leg hanging by a thread. Presumably the severity was between those two so was it nearer the hang nail or the leg hanging off?

It was just a thought, that it might be confidential, I just gave that as an example. It could be anything, the point is, she doesn't want to share it. And she quite clearly isn't going to change her mind about it, so there's no point in going on at her to do so.

I don't really get it either, but posters do panic about outing themselves and ask for the thread to be deleted. That's what would happen if she were to share the trauma with us, I bet.

Totally agree that it's the equivalent of Facebooking a "OMG, so upset at what just happened" message and sitting back waiting for the "R U OK hunni" messages to roll back.

If you have a "trauma", it's fine not to want to share that with the world. But it's completely unreasonable to ask the person you want to support you through it to read between the lines and play some sort of perverse 20 questions about what might have happened.

In the OP's situation, what normal people would do is call or send a text saying "Brother's been arrested, really upset, come straight home". Or "A bus just hit next door's cat. Come home". or "Kids sick, can't cope with vomit. Need you home".

Not some vague "oh something dreadful has happened and I'm so upset, don't be late".

OP you are totally in the wrong. Quite honestly I couldn't give two hoots what your "emotional trauma" is, but if I were the person getting the text/call it's incredibly unfair not to give more details.

Just read OP other post where she says DH, now this is DP all within 5 months????

@SileneOliveira I agree, I'd be well pissed off with a "high drama" come home I need to tell you face to face text.

If something is so bad pick up the phone and say something dreadful had happened, if not text saying really shocked XYZ has happened and I could do with you home"

Such drama and foot stamping that DH didn't respond quickly enough.

If someone extremely close to you died or found out you have cancer then understandable why you're upset OP.

However you being so vague makes me think it's not something nearly do serious. AIBU is asking for judgment...but none can be given when you leave out crucial details.

If I sent that text to a loved one / close friend, they would, I know, be texting or phoning back because they would be concerned for me and know I needed support. And would want to know whether to come straight home urgently (eg taxi instead of public transport) or whether it could wait until I’ve finished my drink. They would also understand that some things you feel you can’t put in a text.

Well OP hasn't returned so the 'emotional trauma' must be all sorted.
What an interesting thread this has been
I guess we all have our own private versions of emotional trauma. Mine would be a giant spider at one end of the trauma scale and a death at the other end. Why didn't OP send proper details instead of waving a lavender scented hanky and calling for the smelling salts metaphoricaly speaking.

I reckon this is why lots of relationships fail , because people are rubbish at communicating their needs in a plain and simple way . Just tell your partner what you want from them rather than expecting them to read your mind .

Nah, my relationships fail because I'm a bit of an arsehole.

@Interceptor999 I can't find their other post? Are you able to put a link in?

This thread is a master class in advanced, black belt passive aggressive. Even the replies to comments on this thread are pure passive aggressive. It could be used in a text book on the subject.

@Haffiana

Yep!

*foolishly thought this community would offer kindness and support

In AIBU? Really?*

That’s assuming that the person that posted the thread is a very experienced forum user and knows the ropes, but from what others have said has only posted a thread once before.

I’ve been scrolling through some rather bitchy comments that assume everyone knows the intricacies of this forum, including all the abbreviations (I had to Google RTFT!). DP, DH, OH, SO and all the rest, it’s like another language.

Maybe folk on here could be a little less high and mighty and a bit more generous. Or perhaps you are unhappy with your own lives so stalk the threads here to get some kind of anonymous payback. I hope you all feel great for it!

Lot of people pissed off that they didn't get to find out what the trauma is - well done OP for not telling! How to drive MN mad.

I wanted to keep it private

none of you know me

contradictory statements, sharing on here with people who don't know you keeps it private really but yes you are being deliberatly vague and not 'private'

DH my granny has just died, please come home I need you

oh goodness I've just found out X is out of prison, can you come home, I need some support

either of these would make DH call me immediately,

please don't be too late or too drunk, something has happened and I might need to talk to you about it on a rare night out would make him reply saying whats up? I love you, I'll be back soon as he probably would think I'm having some daft moment.

@JacquesHammer yes, she may have been too upset to compose a proper text, fair enough.

So now knowing that what she wrote wasn't a clear enough text, she is being unfair.

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.