To expect my oh to come home early when I’ve had an emotional trauma?

[FrankiesMum78]

Sorry, strange title but I didn’t know how to abbreviate this.

Basically my partner had just gone out with his mates when I found out something really upsetting, don’t need to go into details but I was devastated (it wasn’t anything to do with him). It was the first time he’d gone out with the boys for a while so I didn’t want to drag him back home straight away, and I thought I could keep it together for a bit.

I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.

Three hours later he rolled in drunk, in the meantime I’d cried my eyes raw. It wasn’t terribly late at night but they had gone out really early.

Now, on top of being so upset about the original thing, I’m mad as hell that he abandoned me when I needed him, but he said it’s my fault for not letting him know how upset I really was. For me to send an SOS text like that is totally out of character and should’ve set alarmbells ringing, especially as I also texted to say I would come and get him but was too upset to be giving all his friends lifts home too.

I feel really let down, but also angry that (as usual) he’s managing to turn my anger at his behaviour round so that somehow he’s the wounded party.

It’s a blow as after quite a few ups and downs I felt that things were working out.

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.

It depends what your upset was over.

Did you actually tell your partner what happened in the text? Or just say that SOMETHING had happened, but not specify?

If it’s the latter, he wasn’t to know how upset you were. 3 hours really isn’t excessive for somebody who hasn’t been out for ages. I really wouldn’t make a huge issue of it.

You don't really need to copy and paste anyone - you can if you want - but to help with advice on the matter at hand, we just need to know what it was.

Sorry if you have been through something really traumatic.

I think you need to work on your communication skills

You will find being straight forward, whether it be phoning your dh and tellung him what's wrong and what you need, or telling us what happened to give context will get you what you want/need more readily than been all cryptic and secretive.

I couldn't be doing with that and without information wouldn't have come home early either. YABU

Did you tell him what it was? I’m guessing do, because if you just says “something upsetting has happened and I need a shoulder to cry on” most peoples first response would be to as you what it was.

Through long observation of my and others' DPs, I've concluded that there is no point expecting a man to pick up a hint. 'Can you come home, X has happened' will probably get a response from my DH, 'Don't be late' will get him not being late, probably, unless he is so into his evening out that he forgets.

Sorry you were so upset, but IMO he wasn't going to guess how upset you were unless you let him know.

Asking him to not be late and go easy on the booze doesn't sound like much of an SOS. How was he to know how upset you are.

Nobody can possibly tell whether yabu or not without knowing what the trauma is. There's a world of difference between being a bit upset over something or devastated.
Why can't you just tell us what it is? It doesn't matter about details, just a general idea.

angry that (as usual) he’s managing to turn my anger at his behaviour round so that somehow he’s the wounded party
Is there a pattern to your behaviour here (and I mean both of you)? If so, then it sounds like he thought you were acting in a usual manner and maybe the traumatic event wasn't as traumatic in his eyes as yours?

If you were as vague with him as you have been here then yes, YABU.

If your sister died, hwbvvu.

If you missed out on a coveted item on eBay, get a grip.

please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.

So, when he replied that did you say 'actually can you come home now?' If not it would sound to me like you were fine with him being out- he didn't abandon you as you were fine when he left.

oh dear, I rather fear this thread's going to go downhill fast if the OP can't work out how to copy n paste quite soon

It depends on what the event was, and whether you have done this (or similar) before.

I have 2 dds. If one of them came to me saying her arm really hurt after falling over, I'd be getting the car out to take her to get it x-rayed before she'd finished the sentence.
If the other one says that, unless I can see any other evidence, I'd tell her a warm bath and early bed will solve it.
That's because the former won't admit it hurts until it's unbearable. The latter always has a drama over the littlest scrape. I've never been wrong with the latter telling her a warm bath and early bed will solve it either.

OP I'm afraid I also think that YABU. He's not a mind reader and if you'd have asked him to come home and he hadn't, it may be a different story. But by the sound of it, he doesn't get out much and you were expecting him to come home early because he 'should have known' to do so? It's unfair to blame him for not being psychic, especially when he was on a rare night out drinking with his friends.

Kind of disagree with other posters needing to know. If you out of character sent OH a message stating something awful had happened and your were upset regardless of what it was, OH should come home because he WANTS to because you're re upset. Where OH was is irrelevant but my DP would never not come home if I said I needed him irrespective of his location

Too vague to tell tbh.

Don’t think the OP needs to c&p as everyone’s saying the same thing

I don't think it matters what happened. She didn't tell him and like the vast majority of people on here he was none the wiser. He did what he was told, came home early. As with all people who are drinking his judgement was probably gone by the time he got the cryptic message.

It is unfair to be angry with him. In his shoes I would think I was set up to fail. But then again being a curious and impatient cat I would have asked what happened.

If you wanted him to come home you needed to be explicit about that. In the past I've messaged my husband asking him not to be late meaning exactly that, I don't want him to come home immediately but I also need his help so don't get raging drunk or wander home at 2am. If something actually traumatic happened and I needed him urgently I would ask him to come straight home.
Given what you've told us I'd say you were unreasonable to expect him to read your mind.

YABU for expecting him to be a mind reader.

I appreciate you don’t want to tell MN the super secret upsetting thing but an indication of where it is on a scale from stubbed toe to death of a close family member would be helpful. Did you actually tell DP what it was in your text or were you as attention seekingly vague as you’ve been here. If the latter then YABU, how was he supposed to know?!

Have no idea if you are being totally reasonable or if the budgie had a cough and you thought it was choking. If he rarely goes out yet the minute he does, you want him home, but don’t tell him why-no wonder he’s confused.

Nothing AIBU hates more than a vague OP!

Hmm. I think that if you don t usually send texts like that he should have rung you. It would be so out of character for me that dp would come straight home. But I would have just asked him to.