To expect my oh to come home early when I’ve had an emotional trauma?

[FrankiesMum78]

Sorry, strange title but I didn’t know how to abbreviate this.

Basically my partner had just gone out with his mates when I found out something really upsetting, don’t need to go into details but I was devastated (it wasn’t anything to do with him). It was the first time he’d gone out with the boys for a while so I didn’t want to drag him back home straight away, and I thought I could keep it together for a bit.

I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.

Three hours later he rolled in drunk, in the meantime I’d cried my eyes raw. It wasn’t terribly late at night but they had gone out really early.

Now, on top of being so upset about the original thing, I’m mad as hell that he abandoned me when I needed him, but he said it’s my fault for not letting him know how upset I really was. For me to send an SOS text like that is totally out of character and should’ve set alarmbells ringing, especially as I also texted to say I would come and get him but was too upset to be giving all his friends lifts home too.

I feel really let down, but also angry that (as usual) he’s managing to turn my anger at his behaviour round so that somehow he’s the wounded party.

It’s a blow as after quite a few ups and downs I felt that things were working out.

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.

If a loved one/friend/person I’d met once texted me and said “just found out something really upsetting”, I’d at least give them a call to find out what support they needed.

You don’t need to be a mind reader to take 5 minutes out of whatever you’re doing to make sure someone is ok.

Have you got control issues OP?

First time DP goes out with his mates in a long time and comes home at a decent time as they'd gone out early......... and suddenly there is a vague "emotional trauma" that OP can't elaborate about?

I think people need to be very careful encouraging OP to feel the victim here. There are two sides to every story.

OP if I received a message like that from my DH I would've dropped what I was doing and gone straight home as (like you said for you) it would've been very out of character.

Trying to look at it from the other side, I'm not sure DH would've done exactly the same as me BUT I think he would've phoned me ASAP or replied probing to find out what happened. If he had called me no doubt I would've been in tears, told him what happened and THEN he would've come home. (Assuming it really was something devastating)

I think the reason you're getting these kind of replies is that users come on here and bare their souls because it's an anonymous forum so withholding info seems a bit pointless. And your refusal to divulge really means people can't judge whether you were being unreasonable or not. And it's annoying. And everyone is kind of nosey naturally, so there. Lol.

Hope you're okay now

He probably put it in the 'not so bad emergency' basket as you sent a text and didn't phone. 3 hours later is not too bad for a 'not so bad emergency' response.

In future for serious emergencies I think it is best to always phone. Mid no answer then voice email and try phoning again after 15 mins. I think emergencies mean phone calls.

If I'd received a text from my dp like that I would've called to find out what's wrong.

I think your text was vaguely annoying and annoyingly vague. I think him not responding was also odd and annoying.

I hope you're ok now op

I’m going to guess it’s something like a failed IVF cycle. Regardless, your text at the very least warranted a call from your DP to check on what ever was going on and see if you’re ok. The fact he apparently didn’t even do that is what would piss me off.

You wanted advice. Well it's difficult to give advice when we, including your oh know bugger all

Going by your timings I don't think being out for 4 hours is excessive in these circumstances.
If you hadn't wanted him to go out or be home earlier you should have asked, I really don't think you can blame him for doing what he said he'd be doing

I think you should have been clearer about wanting him to come home. From your subsequent posts it's clear that actually you just wanted him to come home sober and more or less straight away.
If what happened was so bad you needed someone sober to talk to then you should have just asked him to come home. That's really not an I reasonable request if someone has died / you just found out someone is dying, etc.

My DH would much rather I'd phoned him if it was really important or upsetting me that much. I'd have kept trying to phone him anyway (or even one of his mates) if I really needed him to talk to/come home.

Hope you're feeling better either way now.

And for all of you rubberneckers it’s none of your business what it was about,.
Then don’t raise it on a public forum. Without knowing the actual situation it is impossible to know whether you are unreasonable.

Reading what you have put, it seems that yes this was out of character for you, but you didn't explain just how bad you felt presumably and because he obviously thinks you don't make a fuss about things and you didn't explain what it was that was upsetting you, he must have thought it would wait ... I may be wrong but it appears that you don't express much in the way of emotions just by how you have explained a lot of comments - that you couldn't talk about it unless face to face, you are not prone to emotional traumas .. you sound like you keep everything in, even with your DH so I expect he wasn't thinking it was anything that terrible. My DH would say "do you think I'm a mind reader" - however much out of character for you, your DH probably wasn't trying to read between the lines and wouldn't be sat working out every possibility while he is distracted by his friends on a night out - you asked him not to be late, not that it was urgent and you were getting ridiculously upset - some people need things explaining fully to understand the whole situation - it doesn't mean he doesn't care or doesn't love you, it means if you wanted him home you should have been a lot more direct

First time DP goes out with his mates in a long time and comes home at a decent time as they'd gone out early......... and suddenly there is a vague "emotional trauma" that OP can't elaborate about?

^This. I don’t think this the first time OP has pulled this stunt on her partner

You should have called OP. You meant one thing he read another. Happens all the time. Maybe your reaction is down to the upset about the thing rather than actually your DH and you’re transferring? Deep breath, he’s there now go cry on his shoulder.

This is THE weirdest thread ive read.
BTW OP YABU
And i think you're also being incredibly unfair. Yes, granted your 'emotional trauma' is none of our business but how on earth can u expect us to respond accordingly?
People are not asking to be nosy...we're asking because, much like your OH, its IMPOSSIBLE to judge whether you needed him home asap or whether he should have been able to happily stay out a bit longer.

This is the equivalent of a parking thread minus a picture.

My first thought, when reading the original post, was that the OP might possibly be a little bit of a drama queen, and was setting up her husband to fail. Cue more drama about his failure to act properly. If I got a text like that from anyone, when I was out enjoying myself for the first time in ages, I'd groan inwardly and think that I didn't want to know what the 'something upsetting' was just yet.

(now preparing mentally for sudden drip feed about dreadful occurrence that will prove how justified the OP was)

@FrankiesMum78 - I understand your desire to keep the nature of the 'distressing thing' private, but I do also think that your vagueness has not helped, on this thread.

If you were to tell us, on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is breaking a favourite ornament and 10 is death of a parent/child, where this event lies, that would give us more information on which to base our answers.

You might also have found support on here, if you had felt able to share what had upset you so much. In my experience, when MNers know what is wrong, and it is something serious, they are very quick to offer support.

Trauma is a very strong word op,If a situation is very "traumatic" you ring not txt ,is it possible he thought the same?
He may not have even heard a txt if he was out on a Saturday night.

You said you won't explain as you are being private,you are aware this is an anonymous forum ?
And as others have said ,it's hard to say if UABU ,with such little information...that's not "rubbernecking" it's making a decision based on facts which in this case you are reluctant to give all of.

If my wife text me when I was out with friends to say "Please don't be too late or too drunk" then I would read it as just that.*

If it was something genuinely serious and my wife needed me there and then, I would be in a cab and wouldn't even finish my drink. That said, if this was the case she would call me or at least tell me the situation so I could gauge how urgent it was.

*I think, this may be the problem. If, like your partner, I didn't go out much and I got a message basically telling me "Come home early and sober", this would definitely rub me up the wrong way. I'm not suggesting it's acceptable to fall through the door at 4am but, on the rare occasion that you get to go out with friends , the last thing you want to be thinking is "How late is too late?", "How drunk is too drunk?" as both are subjective.

Because of this, he may have been in a bad mood when he got in (quite early by all reports) as you impacted on his evening. He may not have, therefore, been as sympathetic as he would have been had you been more clear about the situation originally (in which case, as I would, may have dropped everything and come home immediately).

As many people have said though, it depends on the situation in-hand, the exact working of your messages to him and your response when he came in. Personally, it sounds like you were unreasonable.

“FenellaMaxwell I have no interest in drama, I wasn’t being vague I was being private”

I am shocked at some of the nasty replies on here, but I think you need to consider that sometimes being “mysterious” on a public forum does come across as a little melodramatic and attention seeking.

If something upsetting had happened to me and I needed to get hold of OH while he was out I would have been a little more urgent sounding in my text. Just “something upsetting has happened to me” simply doesn’t convey the sense of urgency.

I rather wrongly thought this site was a place for support and honest advice, not for people to be judgemental.

OP by creating your thread in AIBU, you are asking people to be judgemental. The very essence of Aim I Being Unreasonable is asking posters to judge you. It's a bit late to start moaning about being judged now. Suggest you ask for the thread to be moved to another board if you're just looking for sympathy and support.

And for all of you rubberneckers it’s none of your business what it was about

It's actually the crux of the matter. It's impossible to say if YWBU without knowing what you were upset about.

@CaitlinsYellowSocks

"If I told DH I was upset (for anything other than the most trivial reason - it wouldn't have to be something as serious as a bereavement) and would appreciate his coming home a bit early, he would probably head straight home after finishing his drink."

Yup, I think most men are like this.

Rather than trying to control him with commands (don’t stay out late, don’t get drunk) to get him to come home early, you should have just told him what the issue is.

A better text would have been something like “I’ve just had some awful news, would you mind coming home?”

If something genuinely traumatic has happened, surely being cross at your oh for not understanding your text is not very helpful.

Personally I wouldn’t have come home early.

If you aren’t saying what had happened then I would think it can’t be that bad and carried in with my evening.

Dp has a habit of doing things like this. My reply is always if you are unhappy about something then say it clearly otherwise don’t moan after the event