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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my oh to come home early when I’ve had an emotional trauma?

365 replies

FrankiesMum78 · 10/02/2019 22:45

Sorry, strange title but I didn’t know how to abbreviate this.

Basically my partner had just gone out with his mates when I found out something really upsetting, don’t need to go into details but I was devastated (it wasn’t anything to do with him). It was the first time he’d gone out with the boys for a while so I didn’t want to drag him back home straight away, and I thought I could keep it together for a bit.

I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.

Three hours later he rolled in drunk, in the meantime I’d cried my eyes raw. It wasn’t terribly late at night but they had gone out really early.

Now, on top of being so upset about the original thing, I’m mad as hell that he abandoned me when I needed him, but he said it’s my fault for not letting him know how upset I really was. For me to send an SOS text like that is totally out of character and should’ve set alarmbells ringing, especially as I also texted to say I would come and get him but was too upset to be giving all his friends lifts home too.

I feel really let down, but also angry that (as usual) he’s managing to turn my anger at his behaviour round so that somehow he’s the wounded party.

It’s a blow as after quite a few ups and downs I felt that things were working out.

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.

OP posts:

TheDarkPassenger · 11/02/2019 07:50

This is another one of those
Aibu?
Yes.
No I’m not!
Threads.

Yabu op and you sound dramatic

Raspberry88 · 11/02/2019 07:51

I agree with pp that it was too vague a message. Also a text is not the best if you want a quick reply, especially when drinking. I have been known to skim read a text when out...he may not have taken it in properly.
I wouldn't have texted my DH if it was something really important, I would have rang him as I know my texts may go unread as when DH is having a conversation with someone he tends to get pretty engrossed! Do you know the mates he was out with? Could there be anything going on with one of them and he felt he couldn't leave if they wanted his support. I think it's just a matter of him not realising the importance of the situation.

ashtrayheart · 11/02/2019 07:51

How upset you are over this makes me think the original trauma wasn’t that traumatic. I think phoning him would have been more helpful.

ReaganSomerset · 11/02/2019 07:52

To be fair to OP, she seems to have taken on board that she was being unreasonable and should have been more explicit in asking her partner to come home.

She takes issue with those being inflammatory or rude, which I can agree with.

That's how I read it, in any case.

JacquesHammer · 11/02/2019 07:53

There’s absolutely no need to know what has happened, other than for voyeuristic purposes.

If as the OP says her actions were out of character then her H should have at least called her to speak and find out more.

But then I tend to find the whole “oh men need more direct instructions” rather a get out of jail free card for them.

JenniferJareau · 11/02/2019 07:55

You told him not to be late. That isn't the same as I am desperately upset please come home I really need you.

Your dh doesn't have ESP. Next time communicate clearer.

paintinmyhairAgain · 11/02/2019 08:02

i don't always answer texts the second i receive them, might be several hours later. everyone knows to phone me if it's important to get a response.

Grumpelstilskin · 11/02/2019 08:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CaitlinsYellowSocks · 11/02/2019 08:10

@FrankiesMum78 I don't think ywbu to expect him to come home.

If I told DH I was upset (for anything other than the most trivial reason - it wouldn't have to be something as serious as a bereavement) and would appreciate his coming home a bit early, he would probably head straight home after finishing his drink.

This actually happened last week, although in that case it was because I was ill rather than unhappy - at any rate, he left his work drinks and got a cab home.

Aridane · 11/02/2019 08:14

That’s not nice, grumpel

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2019 08:21

Very difficult to make a judgement here.

Your reticence and refusal to even give an idea of what this was, would indicate strongly that it was something most people would consider minor, and paint you as unreasonable. It was simply his first night out in a good whole and you tried to put a stop to it.

Only you know deep down if this was the case. But I think a reasonable person would think if it was something major you'd have told him what it was, never mind us.

Chewbecca · 11/02/2019 08:23

Well you said don't be late and, as far as I can tell, he wasn't late.

Re: the vagueness, I get that you might not want to share the details with all but if you want people to consider it in their responses it would be good to tell something like what has happened, e.g. change the person, change the illness but you have to give some sense of scale of the problem, otherwise it is just annoying and posters will guess and then give you inappropriate advice and opinions.

Pinkyyy · 11/02/2019 08:27

I don't understand how you couldn't give him even a vague idea over text. How is it you can only talk about it to him in person? OP you just sound over dramatic

diddl · 11/02/2019 08:28

"If I told DH I was upset (for anything other than the most trivial reason - it wouldn't have to be something as serious as a bereavement) and would appreciate his coming home a bit early, he would probably head straight home after finishing his drink."

Yes-or get in touch to find out more!

Op could have said more-but he could have asked if he was concerned.

Who knows-if she had asked him to come home he might have said yes & then not bothered!

He's not a mind reader, but I would expect someone who cares to get in touch & offer to come home now/soon tbh.

JacquesHammer · 11/02/2019 08:34

I don't understand how you couldn't give him even a vague idea over text. How is it you can only talk about it to him in person? OP you just sound over dramatic

I can think of plenty of situations where the news is better given in a phone call than in a text.

Pinkyyy · 11/02/2019 08:35

Op could have said more-but he could have asked if he was concerned

Perhaps the fact that he wasn't concerned may say something about the OP and just how unusual this was for her. Just a thought.

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2019 08:37

He's not a mind reader, but I would expect someone who cares to get in touch & offer to come home now/soon

I think that rather depends on how controlling or drama llama your partner is.

2birds1stone · 11/02/2019 08:41

Op did he acknowledge your text in anyway???

If I need my dh home I ask him. He knows when I am upset so will ring me and talk through to work out if he needs to be at my side or just talk me down from whatever is bothering me (I have anxiety)

Men in most cases are wired differently and don't take hints and need to be actually told if you need them by your side then say it. But you have acknowledged that!

Holidayshopping · 11/02/2019 08:41

Impossible to make a judgement here. It could be a number of things:-

He was an unthinking arse.
You were deliberately awkward and attention seeking and didn’t want him to enjoy himself.
There was a communication cock up.

Mainly based on what the ‘thing’ was that you are refusing to elaborate on.

JacquesHammer · 11/02/2019 08:42

Perhaps the fact that he wasn't concerned may say something about the OP and just how unusual this was for her. Just a thought

Or it could show he’s absolutely in the wrong.

Nobody actually knows, so it’s interesting so many people are so sure the OP is unreasonable.

The OP could be a drama queen, she could have been genuinely in need of help.

Either way a kind person would have called to get more info at the very least.

Coppermine · 11/02/2019 08:44

OP what did he say about it on Sunday?? When he was awake and sober?

TheShiteRunner · 11/02/2019 08:46

The only reason we need to know what happened is that it will indicate if you are (as some of your posts indicate, I'm sorry to say) overreacting a bit. You were saying it's something that greatly upset you, but that in itself doesn't mean it's a big deal. You might have found out about a family member's illness, or you may have shrunk your favourite jumper in the wash.

YABU either way. Just be honest with him. You clearly wanted him to come home, so you should have asked him.

LunafortJest · 11/02/2019 08:50

If he 'always turns everything around so he's the victim' it doesn't seem like theres much of a future for you with him. I haven't RTFT but without knowing what it is (and yes, it does matter) it is hard to know. BUT it sounds like he is narcissistic.

Kittykat93 · 11/02/2019 08:54

Op you're being deliberately mysterious and dramatic on here and you have been with your husband too. Weird thread.

NotAgainSilly · 11/02/2019 08:54

And for all of you rubberneckers it’s none of your business what it was about, I just hope you never, ever have cause to feel that way.

You are the one who posted on an open public forum.

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