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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my oh to come home early when I’ve had an emotional trauma?

365 replies

FrankiesMum78 · 10/02/2019 22:45

Sorry, strange title but I didn’t know how to abbreviate this.

Basically my partner had just gone out with his mates when I found out something really upsetting, don’t need to go into details but I was devastated (it wasn’t anything to do with him). It was the first time he’d gone out with the boys for a while so I didn’t want to drag him back home straight away, and I thought I could keep it together for a bit.

I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.

Three hours later he rolled in drunk, in the meantime I’d cried my eyes raw. It wasn’t terribly late at night but they had gone out really early.

Now, on top of being so upset about the original thing, I’m mad as hell that he abandoned me when I needed him, but he said it’s my fault for not letting him know how upset I really was. For me to send an SOS text like that is totally out of character and should’ve set alarmbells ringing, especially as I also texted to say I would come and get him but was too upset to be giving all his friends lifts home too.

I feel really let down, but also angry that (as usual) he’s managing to turn my anger at his behaviour round so that somehow he’s the wounded party.

It’s a blow as after quite a few ups and downs I felt that things were working out.

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.

OP posts:
ScrumpyCrack · 11/02/2019 10:29

First time DP goes out with his mates in a long time and comes home at a decent time as they'd gone out early......... and suddenly there is a vague "emotional trauma" that OP can't elaborate about?

Yeah I agree there's likely a backstory here of OP’s trust issues.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 11/02/2019 10:32

I disagree with most pp and think your partner sounds selfish. If I said I was very upset about something my DH would call me straight away and come home because that’s what you do to support the person you love. The fact that he is now playing the victim is nasty. He doesn’t sound like a nice person so I think you have a big problem in this relationship.

He should have called you and come home early. It doesn’t matter what the trauma was other than you really needed him to be there for you at that time.

SiblingDifference · 11/02/2019 10:34

I can honestly say if I sent that to my husband he wouldn’t come back fast, he’s not intuitive and he’d read it as non-urgent . Maybe I needed a hug when he got back.

He loves me though and is always there, if I text him something like ‘dad’s gone into hospital, I’m really worried’ he’d be straight home offering to just sit with me, watch the kids or anything I needed.

I learnt years ago,he’s a good man who will do anything I ask for, even if I’m being a bit unreasonable he’d indulge me. However I’ve accepted he’s not me, nor is he a mind reader. Having a man who will do whatever you ask for is pretty amazing, and I’ve learnt over the last few decades to appreciate that quality. Not moan or get angry it’s not automatically always there. I’ve also learnt I don’t always understand him, I miss his wants and needs at times as he expresses them differently. For example I give him space, when he needs closeness at times with the best of intentions

Juells · 11/02/2019 10:35

If I told DH I was upset (for anything other than the most trivial reason - it wouldn't have to be something as serious as a bereavement) and would appreciate his coming home a bit early, he would probably head straight home after finishing his drink.

If my ex had texted me on one of the few nights I was out for a drink with mates, asking me to come home early because he was 'upset', I'd have thought "He won't let me have one fucking night to myself."

wowsertrousers · 11/02/2019 10:37

Why are people continuing to berate the OP for not being able to tolerate other opinions?? Really early on she agreed with the baying mob that with hindsight yes she had been too vague in her text and yes she should have asked him to come straight home if that's what she wanted. She has accepted that she was being unreasonable in that regard. Her thread has presumably therefore served its intended purpose for her - it's given her other people's perspectives and she has accepted the majority viewpoint. Bravo.

What she was reacting to was the personal jibes. I've read a lot of nasty digs on MN over the years and to be fair often I've found myself agreeing with the sentiment if not the manner in which that sentiment has been expressed... But as I said before, I really don't get the vitriol here. The OP has been pretty inoffensive and has listened to other people's opinions (when expressed in a non-judgmental way). All too often it seems that a woman who talks of emotional distress and of needing her partner's support is branded a drama llama. There has been a massive assumption in this thread that just because the OP won't go into detail about the nature of her distress then she must be being hysterical about something completely trivial. Maybe she is, I don't know either way, but I do find it really sad how most people have just rushed to assume she was making something up or overstating it to emotionally blackmail her DH into coming home. It's quite possible that you're wrong in your assumptions and the OP is going through something really bad like a miscarriage as a PP suggested might be the case. If it IS something of that naturr I'm sure the OP will have felt thoroughly supported by all the drama llama comments.

Just because someone starts a thread on a forum, doesn't mean they want or feel able or should be expected to offer up all the gory details for public consumption.

JacquesHammer · 11/02/2019 10:41

If my ex had texted me on one of the few nights I was out for a drink with mates, asking me to come home early because he was 'upset', I'd have thought "He won't let me have one fucking night to myself."

Wouldn't you have thought to find out why he was upset?

Nights out can be rearranged - are they really that important?!

Oliversmumsarmy · 11/02/2019 10:44

Wouldn't you have thought to find out why he was upset

No because if it was anything that terrible then it would have been in the text.

LoniceraJaponica · 11/02/2019 10:44

"I learnt years ago,he’s a good man who will do anything I ask for, even if I’m being a bit unreasonable he’d indulge me. However I’ve accepted he’s not me, nor is he a mind reader."

This ^^
DH is not a mind reader and does need things spelling out to him, as does DD's boyfriend. Some men are like this.

Juells · 11/02/2019 10:45

Wouldn't you have thought to find out why he was upset?

I'd think it was a mighty big coincidence that he got upset the one night I was out.

JacquesHammer · 11/02/2019 10:47

No because if it was anything that terrible then it would have been in the text

As I said earlier, many people would prefer not to give bad news in a text.

I'd think it was a mighty big coincidence that he got upset the one night I was out

I just don't get that. Life happens. I couldn't enjoy a night out knowing someone I was close to was upset without at least finding out what they were upset by.

AutumnCrow · 11/02/2019 10:52

I think it's odd that the partner didn't reply, 'What's happened?' rather than 'I won't be late'.

Was he not bothered? If so, why? Why did he then choose to get drunk? Either he's a twat, or he's not a twat and was making a point about how he feels about OP's 'upset'.

Only the OP knows which of those two options is the most likely.

RelaisBlu · 11/02/2019 10:53

Either it's an emergency or it isn't.

If it is you contact him and tell him what's happened.
If it isn't it can wait a few hours until he gets back, surely?
Unless you're very young?

Holidayshopping · 11/02/2019 10:54

Just because someone starts a thread on a forum, doesn't mean they want or feel able or should be expected to offer up all the gory details for public consumption.

But a vague idea about the crux of the matter would actually make a massive difference to people’s replies.

She’s posted asking if she’s unreasonable. All anyone can say is-‘maybe, but maybe not’.

That’s not terrible helpful.

Lizzie48 · 11/02/2019 10:58

I suspect that the OP's real concern was that she didn't want her DP to be drunk when he got home, she wanted him to be in a fit state to be a shoulder to cry on. The longer he was out the more likely he was to be drunk. That's perfectly understandable actually.

U2HasTheEdge · 11/02/2019 10:59

Some of the replies here are awful.

If I texted my husband something like that he would be straight on the phone asking if I am OK. I would do the same for him.

OP I agree that if you wanted him to come home you should have asked him, but at the same time I am surprised he didn't call you to see what was going on.

NCjustforthisthread · 11/02/2019 10:59

God OP - you sound like a drama llama - a vague drama llama at that. Im not surprised you poor husband had no idea what to do and was probably confused. You asked for all of our opinions but are not willing to give us anough information to make a proper opinion and then accuse us of rubbernecking! Please post on netmums next time.

ShirleyPhallus · 11/02/2019 11:01

This thread is so fantastically entertaining

It’s like the MN version of a FB status saying “So upset Sad” > “what’s up” > “don’t wanna talk about it”

Pinkyyy · 11/02/2019 11:05

OP you just sound like you're manipulating him. This was a lose lose situation for him as far as I can see.

U2HasTheEdge · 11/02/2019 11:07

I'd think it was a mighty big coincidence that he got upset the one night I was out

Why would you think that? It wouldn't cross my mind that my husband would text me OP's message because he doesn't like me going out.

If we take OP at her word she has not got form for this and she has no issues with her husband going out with friends.

If I received that message my first reaction would be to worry about what was going on and make contact asking. It would be so out of character I would worry. OP says this is out of character for her too, so I think her husband did show a lack of kindness.

RoastOx · 11/02/2019 11:08

*If just a friend of mine texted me what the OP said - I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. - I would go immediately, not fanny about thinking "Oh well, they didn't ask me to come home, so I'm going to sit here and get drunk without a care in the world"

If my partner had texted me that I'd have been out of the pub like a shot, regardless of whether they've given all the gory details by text. *

I have to agree with this. If My DP sent this I would be home straight away.

But without the details who knows? I haven't RTFT

wowsertrousers · 11/02/2019 11:09

Holidayshopping but she wasn't asking 'AIBU to feel upset about this thing that happened?' (for which we WOULD need to know what had upset her) - she was asking 'AIBU to feel upset that my partner didn't come home when I told him I was upset and said don't be late?' (for which we don't need the details to be able to suggest she should've been more clear to her DH about what was wrong and that she wanted him to come straight home).

CatG85 · 11/02/2019 11:11

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.

People are doing this, whether you agree with them or not unfortunately, people don't know you so it is hard to give too much of an opinion on anything other than what was in the original post.

I think the situation has been reacted to in a way you wouldn't have done had you not already been upset. You asked him to come home early and he did. You asked him not to drink too much but for all you know at the point he'd already drank too much and a couple more after that just topped it up. He wasn't aware of the full extent of your situation and had he been, he probably would have been home even earlier I'm sure.
This to me just sounds like communication errors and high emotions.
As you've said, you can see past your anger now and hopefully things will be ok. I hope whatever the trauma was is ok now and you are being supported.

QuintadiMalago · 11/02/2019 11:12

Roast ox
There are no details. Even the op's partner didn't get told the details

CatG85 · 11/02/2019 11:12

Why are people continuing to berate the OP for not being able to tolerate other opinions?? Really early on she agreed with the baying mob that with hindsight yes she had been too vague in her text and yes she should have asked him to come straight home if that's what she wanted.

Probably as it's a 12 page thread and hard to read ALL comments. I did try but may have missed a couple

paintinmyhairAgain · 11/02/2019 11:22

she just might want to keep it private as it may have been a miscarriage, have you actually thought of that while you are slagging her off ? hope it wasn't for op's sake but just think about it !