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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my oh to come home early when I’ve had an emotional trauma?

365 replies

FrankiesMum78 · 10/02/2019 22:45

Sorry, strange title but I didn’t know how to abbreviate this.

Basically my partner had just gone out with his mates when I found out something really upsetting, don’t need to go into details but I was devastated (it wasn’t anything to do with him). It was the first time he’d gone out with the boys for a while so I didn’t want to drag him back home straight away, and I thought I could keep it together for a bit.

I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.

Three hours later he rolled in drunk, in the meantime I’d cried my eyes raw. It wasn’t terribly late at night but they had gone out really early.

Now, on top of being so upset about the original thing, I’m mad as hell that he abandoned me when I needed him, but he said it’s my fault for not letting him know how upset I really was. For me to send an SOS text like that is totally out of character and should’ve set alarmbells ringing, especially as I also texted to say I would come and get him but was too upset to be giving all his friends lifts home too.

I feel really let down, but also angry that (as usual) he’s managing to turn my anger at his behaviour round so that somehow he’s the wounded party.

It’s a blow as after quite a few ups and downs I felt that things were working out.

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.

OP posts:
BrilliantDarling · 11/02/2019 11:25

OP did you spell out what the upsetting thing was to him?“

I didn’t, it wasn’t something I felt able to share unless in person.

In this case YABU

SleepingStandingUp · 11/02/2019 11:29

And for all of you rubberneckers it’s none of your business what it was about, I just hope you never, ever have cause to feel that way

No, there's just a difference between between the cat got into a fight and has a cut on her paw, no vet needed and finding out a close friend is terminally ill. If it was the latter, I'd have told him I needed him to come now. If it was the former you're being Ott to expect him to cut his night short

paintinmyhairAgain · 11/02/2019 11:32

brilliant if it was personal health reasons why would she tell him in a text ?

Wedgiecar58 · 11/02/2019 11:34

No offence but if the trauma was really that bad you wouldn't be too concerned with where he was or what he was doing.

Sounds like you're just throwing yourself a bit of a pity party.

I stand corrected if you explain the context and it is something extremely devastating - but if it was I would have thought you would be more concerned about that than what time DH was going to be home.

IrmaFayLear · 11/02/2019 11:37

Apart from anything else, if this trauma was so emotional, surely the OP would still be concentrating on that, rather than the perceived shortcomings of her dp? And thinking about telling his mates via Facebook? Weird.

Some posters are saying, "Oh, my dh would come straight home." But that's individual experience. We know nothing of the OP nor her dp so we can't possibly make a judgement as to who is right/wrong.

But we can say that texting/phoning and saying "John, X has happened. I'm distraught. Please come home" is just sensible and if John then refused to cut the evening short he'd not be very nice. As it was he may just have thought OP was being a bit of a nag about him having a few beers.

JacquesHammer · 11/02/2019 11:41

But we can say that texting/phoning and saying "John, X has happened. I'm distraught. Please come home" is just sensible and if John then refused to cut the evening short he'd not be very nice

The problem is, its easy to compose the perfect text when you're not upset.

As it was he may just have thought OP was being a bit of a nag about him having a few beers

Or he could have simply asked.

Oysterbabe · 11/02/2019 11:41

Without context it is impossible to say. I think unless it's a death or something life threatening then yabu. Even then yab a bit u as you should have given DH some idea as to what it was all about so he could appreciate the seriousness.

What's probably influencing a lot of the replies is many of us will know someone who claims to not be dramatic but who definitely is. A friend of mine will often start a sentence with "you know I hate to cause a fuss..." and anyone listening almost explodes with the effort of not laughing.

Deadbudgie · 11/02/2019 11:42

Op sorry you have had traumatic news.
Personally if i needed DH I would have rung him and said x happened I need you home. Unless it was something you didn’t want to tell him over text/phone in which case I would have rung him and said please come home now. I can see why you wouldn’t want to tell him over the phone something like a negative pregnancy test if you had been struggling to conceive, someone in family given a bad diagnosis etc.

Just try and move past his inability to get the hints. So long as he is supportive now you need to deal with the trauma not add to it (although as someone who had a trauma leading to ptsd I can understand the lack of support can really make a traumatic situation worse)

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2019 11:47

she just might want to keep it private as it may have been a miscarriage

Well as she said it was nothing to do with him, that would appear unlikely. Confused

IrmaFayLear · 11/02/2019 11:51

Yes, it was an "emotional trauma" , not a physical matter (eg miscarriage).

AHeartTiedWithString · 11/02/2019 12:01

Yes, it was an "emotional trauma" , not a physical matter (eg miscarriage).

I don't think an emotional trauma precludes a physical one. My first thought was that the OP had suffered some kind of assault. The problem is that everyone has a different definition of "traumatic" that would prompt them to send that text - some would only send it if someone had died; some would send it if someone had run a red light when they were about to cross the road, and had given them a bit of a fright.
I think the only consensus on this thread, OP, is that you should have been clearer in the text to your partner, and, given that you weren't at all very clear, it would have been decent of him to follow up with a request for clarification.
I hope you've managed to have a chat with him by now and clear the air.

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2019 12:13

Considering she said she "found something out" I'm unsure why anyone would think that means she was assaulted.

Oddcat · 11/02/2019 12:17

Maybe she found out her husband was having an affair and didn't want him to know until she saw him face to face . ( while we're on the subject of making wild guesses as to what had happened)

youknowmedontyou · 11/02/2019 12:20

The MN equivalent of vaguebooking

< yawn >

Agreed!

Lizzie48 · 11/02/2019 12:29

I'm remembering when my DH got in touch with me at work to tell me he had bad news and I needed to call him back. When I called him back it turned out that my DSis's marriage had broken up and she was coming to stay for the weekend.

That's the sort of thing that might be at play here. If I'd had the news about my DSis I probably would have been upset but wouldn't have wanted to share it in a text message (or shared it on Mumsnet for that matter).

youknowmedontyou · 11/02/2019 12:40

@Lizzie48 you don't want to share your SIL breaking up on mumsnet? Like you just have?

How is saying that on MN going to put you? 100s of marriages break up everyday!

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2019 12:42

Again, I'm quite stunned at some of the suggestions on here.

He was having an affair? And yet she says the news she found out was nothing to do with him?

Or she would cry her eyes out because her sisters marriage had broken had broken down?and couldn't cope for an hour on her own and felt devastated?

youknowmedontyou · 11/02/2019 12:50

To be honest all this I'm a private person, but OP is happy to come on telling all her problems with her OH.

This isn't the only thread where she is not happy with his behaviour, which is fair enough.

But if you want honest opinions if what he's done is wrong, we need info!

A post on here recently was about a woman going through her OHs phone, she was told she was out of order not him! Quiet rightly, just because you're female doesn't mean you're always right!

wowsertrousers · 11/02/2019 12:51

Maybe she has kids from previous relationship and it was to do with them, who knows... it seems a waste of time trying to guess and is also largely irrelevant to the actual AIBU that the OP was asking. Everyone deserves to feel supported in a relationship and on the flipside everyone deserves clear communication from their partner. From where I'm sitting, that's the crux of it. Not attributing various levels of emotional distress to various hypothetical situations that we know nothing about.

PBo83 · 11/02/2019 12:54

Quiet rightly, just because you're female doesn't mean you're always right

Think you might be in the wrong place! Grin

That's a joke by the way before I get metaphorically strung up!

ReaganSomerset · 11/02/2019 12:56

That's a joke by the way before I get metaphorically strung up!

Oh. OK. Glad you told me that.

puts down pitchfork and rope

Angeladelight · 11/02/2019 13:04

I can see your point OP about the reason not mattering, upset and pain is relative and clearly you were troubled by whatever happened.

However you should have been explicit, something awful has happened, I am shaken, please can you come home ASAP? I appreciate YOU might think that your message was a big red flag but your DP may not have been so sure.

I experience similar with myDP, and I accept I have form for being vague and hoping he gets what I am trying to say. It doesn’t work so I know now that I need to say EXACTLY what I want. It’s not fair to expect him to be a mind reader and make a judgment based off of my double speak. I appreciate it’s a hard habit to break but being direct gets the response you need.

I hope that whatever has happened you are okay, but do think you need to accept you could have been more explicit. Have you talked to DP about it? What’s his view? Did he not seem to realise how urgently you felt you needed him home?

Whisky2014 · 11/02/2019 13:09

I think the whole thing could have been avoided if you'd just told him what had happened in the txt or even better, called him.

Lizzie48 · 11/02/2019 13:29

@youknowmedontyou

It was my DSis not my SIL. It was many years ago, and she's happily remarried, so it doesn't matter now. I also discovered that her ex was violent, which was very upsetting and I would have wanted to be able to talk to my DH about it.

But at the time I wouldn't have wanted to share it on the internet as it wasn't my story to share.

The point is, it might be confidential or outing, that might explain why the OP might not feel at liberty to share it on here?

Collaborate · 11/02/2019 13:40

The context of all this is that OP asked him not to come home late. And he came home his usual time, which to 99% of the population means he didn't come home late. Sounds absolutely fine to me.

Number one on this list seems quite appropriate for this thread. www.thepoke.co.uk/2019/02/05/29-guy-secrets-men-think-women-dont-know/?fbclid=IwAR3vyIgepGszjfhqYyLCiFt1TKAbhMx3orbJIEaI_nYdYekLECm0nUmVRTs