This is not my business but I need a rant...

[PooleySpooley]

DH and I fall out sometimes about god not encouraging his DDs to take responsibility for themselves. They are 12 and 14. He still has to remind them to brush their teeth and shower etc.

They were here this weekend. We live 200 miles away but DH works in the same town as them all week so brings them back with him on a Friday and drops them off on a Sunday on his way back.

I washed their school uniform and DH ironed it. He moans that his ex never irons it and it only gets ironed here. I have suggested he teaches them how to iron it themselves but he doesn’t (he taught my DD to iron with a travel iron when she was about 10).

Tonight he has dropped them off (he rushes around gathering their things and something usually gets left, like school shoes or coats) and they have left their uniform in his car.

He has asked his ex to meet him (it’s a 30 mile round trip from where he is to her) and she says she can’t as she has had a drink.

He says he will meet her tomorrow after work meaning the kids will be unable to go to school tomorrow as they have no spare uniform.

So what the fuck does this teach them about taking any responsibility? That they get a day off school? I think it’s bloody disgusting from both parents.

Yet again on Mumsnet no matter what the step parent does she's in the wrong

I have DSS and no doubt am not up to MN standards as I don’t sacrifice my own wellbeing or that of our other children to give them everything we possibly could.

But I would be appalled by my DH failing to take any responsibility for ensuring young teenagers didn’t take their uniform out of the car or make steps to return it after. It’s no reflection on OP as she wasn’t involved. But it’s crappy parenting from him. If that’s his attitude, then he should ensure there is a spare. The mother sounds rubbish, but in this instance, it isn’t her who has dropped the ball by not returning the girls home with their uniform. It isn’t good enough to blame the girls, as pp have said, he is the backstop.

FFS, will everyone stop berating the OP for not providing a second school uniform. Additional uniform has been provided for these kids in the past, this has been made clear, but the MOTHER AND PARTNER where the children live FULLTIME do not take care of the clothes and it gets spoiled. These are the people who have allowed this situation to happen, not the OP! There are 4 adults here, not 1.

There is way more of concern than a school uniform here. Move on people.

Can't the older child's uniform be passed down to the younger one? That would at least make it slightly less expensive.

In fairness to the OP she is appalled hence the thread saying disgusting behaviour from both parents!

How about we lay some of the blame where it belongs, at the mother's door. If she can afford alcohol and eating out twice per week then SHE can pay for some school shirts not the kids step mother.

Of course it is the mothers fault she is neglecting them. But it the fathers responsibility to ensure their needs are met and they don't continue to suffer simply because 'he pays enough'

This situation isn't about money. It's about doing the right thing by the girls.

Yet again on Mumsnet no matter what the step parent does she's in the wrong

Actually, the girls father is the person who has the responsibility. I think that's why OP is getting a hard time. Because as per her thread title 'it's not her business'

It’s just so sad for these girls. They’re growing up in an environment of neglect, resentment and apathy. It all feels very toxic (on both sides tbh)

Not strictly related to the OP’s rant but 1 shirt for the entire week, 5 days! Maybe a little kid can pull this off but teenagers?

You would smell mine coming through the door on Day 3. By the end of Day 2 it would be particularly unpleasant. Not just kids st high school but neither DH or I could pull that off either and everyone in our household showers daily and uses deodorant. I don’t think most people would be too impressed with a colleague who fronted up to work each day in the same shirt/top for a week.

I actually think this is some form of abuse.

yes I feel sorry for the girls but this is all the more reason to teach them to be self sufficient as they are not going to be handed everything on a plate later in life are they. My daughter has 4 shirts, 2 skirts and one blazer, tie and pair of shoes. If I need to be away at the weekend then she has to make sure the washing is done and dried (no dryer) and I make sure she knows and can follow up to make sure it happens. Her Father is here but he has been working most of the weekend so whilst he has done most stuff I really don't think it is too much to ask of a 13/4 yr old to put a wash on and hang on the line or airer to dry before Mon am.

I actually think this is some form of abuse

I agree - but I'm a little confused re why the girls are not prioritising it? They seem more concerned over broken phones. Personally I'd do what has been suggested above - buy the shirts and deduct the money from the maintenance Mummy's drinking money.

This thread has migrated a bit from the original question, but here goes...

Sorry, but DH needs to take responsibility for the uniforms being left in the car, and get them back to his daughters. He probably needs to decide whether to check the car every other weekend or ask the DDs to change before he collects them on a Friday (assuming he doesn't collect from school).

I think you probably should buy new shirts for them, as you have said you would now, but perhaps moving forward you might need a chat with DH about finances and what you can realistically afford, and as with the phone data, apply a cap.

TBH, if my ex's partner had bought my DD her first bra, I'd be upset. I appreciate that you felt she should have done it when you wanted it done, but still, I think you should have waited for the mum to act on it.
Could you encourage the DDs' independence by putting some money into their own bank account each money rather than buy things for them? So they can take responsibility for spare shirts, sanitary products etc? Maybe 12 is a bit young, but at 14 it might be a welcome development?

I am perceiving a lot of resentment on your part, OP. There is a lot of "we" do this or that, but that no one is grateful that you are involved. It might be tough but what would happen if you just stepped back for a while and see what DH and his ex can make of it all? Might lessen your frustration and resentment, as it seems to come not from what you do for your step daughters, but the fact that no one appreciates it?

i'm not sure if what OPs DH is paying is CSA amount or more. If more then by all means use some of the money to buy extra uniform but if it isn't then no don't do that.
I agree with those saying poor girls. Neither home seems to offer a warm caring environment for them.

OP, you need to step away a little and take an objective view; posting at 10pm isn't rational and your frustration shows.

Talk to your DH and suggest a round table with the mother; if she/they won't do that then back away and stop enabling. At the moment, you're helping him avoid responsibility (like you say he's guilt parenting) and this way she gets to shirk her side of the financial deal. By the way, the fact that she had a Sunday lunchtime drink is a red herring, and you do yourself no favours bringing it up.

The DSDs are old enough to take some responsibility now, so insist on a checklist/chores list..... and don't step in if they're not done. I actually think the DSDs think something of you, but probably take you for granted. Whatever rules your DS has, impose the same on them - it IS your business as it's your time, money and emotional input.

Sorry but no. I would not accept this from my own child at 8 years old let alone 12 and 14. At 8 he is already far more responsible than these girls, they should remember to take all their stuff with them from the car, it’s beem washed, dried, ironed and packed for them it’s their responsibility to carry it in to their home. Next time tell them to have it with them in the car not in the boot.

Don’t replace any more phones.

Keep paying for school shoes and coats and pay what the CMS day you have to so you aren’t putting yourselves in a financial hole, then use the difference to buy a spare set of uniforms.

Sit them down and talk to them about responsibility next time they are at yours and what you expect of them.

Sorry but no. I would not accept this from my own child at 8 years old let alone 12 and 14. At 8 he is already far more responsible than these girls, they should remember to take all their stuff with them from the car, it’s beem washed, dried, ironed and packed for them it’s their responsibility to carry it in to their home. Next time tell them to have it with them in the car not in the boot.

It seems they are usually responsible and the uniform is taken back and forth without incident. But on this occasion it was forgotten. You have read the outcome of this. Has your 8 year old ever forgotten anything? Have you ever forgotten anything? One time? I dare say a 14 year old girl is more forgetful than an 8 year old, teenagers are notoriously forgetful, it’s actually a developmental phase.

The problem here is a simple oversight has led to the uniform being a considerable distance away and the girls can not attend school. Ensuring your children attend school is not only a parental responsibility but a legal requirement.

RainbowWaffles does your child travel 400 miles every weekend taking their dirty school clothes with them? Would it be impossible for them to quickly nip back and get them if they went out of the house/car with them?

My children are very responsible, but occasionally forget things like PE kit. Usually they borrow a friends, or get told off. That's on them.

They are not traveling between two homes though which in itself must be exhausting for them. It seems to me the least the parents can do is wash and make sure the children have the right kit, even checking it with them after such a long journey when it's much more likely things will get forgotten.

I feel sorry for you OP as the judgement is coming on you rather than your DH who is partially guilty and the mother who sounds neglectful. I don't believe you though when you say your own child wouldn't eat- and if that really is the case, then school uniform has to come before everything else you provide- old shoes will have to do, no new clothes for weekends, and only one working phone between them if that's what it takes. Going to school is a statutory requirement!

As for those saying if they had more sets of uniform the mum would still lose them- I don't agree. The problem is one set, shuffled 200 miles apart. It really isn't ok not to have a spare skirt, even if got second hand. The OP/DH could ring the school and ask if there is a secondhand sale, often schools will redistribute lost property for this reason. It doesn't mean buying new and lots of it- one secondhand skirt, some cheap shirts (which are a MUST) and a spare tie for a tenner. This is not break the bank stuff, it is just irritating the OP that they already pay money and it isn't used for this purpose, which I get.

Are they picked up straight from school? If not, asking them to change out of uniform before pick up is probably the way forward here. My dd owns 2 skirts but wears the same one every day for a week so could get away with one. My kids have one blazer and tie too. (They wear a fresh shirt daily and the mum is being shockingly neglectful not buying one poxy pack of shirts for each girl)

When ex drops the kids off, he gets bags out of the car and hugs the kids before driving off. I think that your h is 33% responsible for the forgotten uniform.

With regards to the lack of life skills yanbu. Yanbu to insist on a phone of shame if they smash any more. You can get a basic smartphone including top up for very little and your h could phone them so if they have no credit then he still get to contact them (although he needs to be strong and not offer phone top ups during the call)

I would reduce maintenance to the minimum as it sounds like you are paying for considerable extras.

I think that you've been unfairly attacked (I'm an ex wife and not a step mum so you know the sympathy is real 😉) You are well aware that both of the parents are at fault (so many only blame the mum) and I get that your hands are tied. My kids are expected to iron school shirts once they start y7 - it's an important life skill imo

Also, I've been in this situation myself, as my dd does an activity on Fridays which has meant she has forgotten her uniform more than once- hence how I know how to source a cheap second set!

You pay £500 maintenance, their mother has a good job and another partner who I presume has a job. What is their mother's obligation to the children, it seems to me everyones on the ops case and don't seem to care that the children's mother doesn't seem to give a toss. I think your OH should sit down with their mother and tell her that its not only down to him to provide for them she must take responsibility too. If she can't see that wearing grey shirts to school and not having a change of uniform places a stigma on her children, which could lead to serious bullying from their peers, then can you not reduce the amount of maintenance given by the amount it costs to provide all these extras you're providing, or has the amount been set by the child support agency.

How much does cms say he should be contributing?

Orchiddingme

I was quoting and relying to someone else. I fully agree with you!

At 12 and 14 they are old enough not to constantly lose uniform. They should be responsible enough to ensure they don’t forget to take anything back with them on the Sunday, even my DC are and they’re all under ten! They should also know how to iron and be ironing their uniform, completely agree with that.

They can’t buy a second set of uniform themselves though and shouldn’t be expected to. They need that and shouldn’t be sent to school in manky grey shirts either. School shirts are often the cheapest part of the uniform so that needs sorting ASAP if nothing else.

surely the real point that the OP is making is that these girls are being endlessly babied by their parents. Which is not good, and not helpful for them in the long run.

Their 'mother' is taking the piss, she should have more than one set of uniforms for them considering the money she gets!

DCs may be babied in some respects but in others they seem plain neglected. A DF reminding a scatty teenager and preteen to check they have taken all their belongings from the boot is hardly babying it's just plain common sense.

Having one school shirt all week - yes sure DCs are being babied.

DCs are not having their basic needs met, but sure blame the children not the adults

even my DC are and they’re all under ten

Teenagers are more forgetful so it isn’t a air comparison.